Days 26 & 27

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

Day 26: When was the last time you were too hard on yourself? What do you think you could have done to treat and comfort yourself instead?

It was last February, I told by this guy I had met before, he was going to be at a diner we were meeting at, so I ordered a quesadilla waiting for him. He never showed and I had to use my family’s laundry money for that week.

I didn’t get another for myself for months as by felt bad. I haven’t been on a date since as I feel if I cant afford to take myself out, then I can’t date.

My family barely makes it was into week, I don’t feel I can comfort myself until My health is better and In have no idea when that is.

Day 27: What is the main barrier to you having positive self-esteem? How can you break free from it?

My current living situation and health issues, energy, weight, and loneliness are my barriers from me seeing thing in a constant positive outlook in life.

I feel my landlords keep putting rule after rule (some I feel are unjustified), I feel smothered. Now they are posting that they can deny it kick a person out for any reason. (My family pays on time, but I’m very moody and opinionated and I’m afraid one I’m going to blow up emotionally and get my family kicked out. I feel like my mood swing make me unlikable and unattractive.)

My other health issues have made me more introverted . . . I’ve been called bad and mean names for my weight and it hurts. Ive been struggling to lose weight because of the hormones I’m on.

I also felt like a failure because I couldn’t appease or make other family members proud. I’ve always been a black sheep, but I currently said screw it, I’m me, I love my writing, and it’s not my job to make others happy. The only person I can make happy is me.

note: I have been seeing doctors and I am working on my health. I hope by next year to get out more.

Things that keep me up at night. . .

I posted a simple version of this on my therapy site 7 cups.

I’ve been to 2 therapists, one kept pushing a job, but I have energy issues.the second one kept saying most are my issues are hormonal.

My main thoughts in no particular order. . .

1. Are the different pieces of my family ok? My mom has her health issues. My dad side of he family still not talking to me. . . But I still think of them. My closest brother has health issues (but sometimes, I think he does better than me.). My one brother just got married and other just graduated with many options ahead for him. I have a very young sister, so young she could easily be my own daughter and yet, I haven’t gotten to bond with her. I rather play with the toddler than the infant. I have a sister-in-law who I wish I so could chat with more, but it all just turns into he-said, he-said drama.

2. When can we have our own space (My family and I?) (My mom, brother and uncle live in a very tight space, and it’s very crowded and not as fun as like the show “My Name is Earl.) I would just like my own desk, working computer, WiFi, and recliner to sleep in.

3. I can’t work, and a few doctors will write notes, but government facilities will not count it. (Stupid president killed that.) I can’t work, I can’t sleep right: I go to bed tired, I wake up tired. No one wants me to use those 5 hour vitamins shots, but it’s the only way I can function for errands.

4. I can’t lose weight due to hormones I’m taking and bad sleep issues. The body needs to be balanced and get right sleep in order to function correctly. I lose 5 pounds, but gain ten in water weight. I’m going to scream if I get more doctor thinking all of my health problems are based on me being overweight. I can’t work so I can’t buy decent groceries. Because of weight I feel I’m ugly and not worthy. . . My doctors or media do not help my self esteem.

5. I can go from sweet and caring to bitter and mean. I’m also losing the propper, politeness filter of saying things especially when I’m flustered. My family know I’m bruntly honest, and I try to watch for other’s feelings, but they call me the bear, because I can snap and growl for no reason. I’m afraid to date because it’s bad to snap for no reason in the middle of a date. I don’t know all of my triggers. I know it’s hormonal, and my doctors don’t seem to care.

6. My energy versus my “luck” versus my writing. I love to write, but my lights and computers keep breaking. . . I feel like fates are against me writing, why God/Goddess, why? Writing helps me release and express myself. I’m borrowing the third desk light from a neighbor. I have two computers: one broke in which wires are exposed, my other computer’s fan is broken and charger over heats. I’m using my mom tablet to write this because my tablet needs to be plugged in at all times and tries to run every program at once. (Even when I have them turned off, it’s like if my Wi-Fi is on, it tries to override my controls.)

7. Why can’t I have a cat? Cats help my anxiety, especially petting them when they purr. The current land lady doesn’t even want us feeding the old stray, friendly mama cat.

8. Where can I advertise my blogs? I feel I do not have enough readers and fans, but I feel Facebook pushes it too much.

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/

9. Why am in pain at least 5 days out of week? Headaches, pelvic pains, sinus pains, back pains, hip pain. . . Cramping when it’s not even my lady time. WTH? What is wrong with me? (I will let the doctors do their tests, but they can’t say it’s my weight.) I feel I get passed from doctor to doctor (as if they don’t want me) leaving me with more questions than any solutions. . .

10. I am so easily distracted. I can’t mediate or focus without someone or something pulling away my attention, especially during the day. So I try to write between the hours of 11pm to 3am, sometimes later, but I have to have a day schedule on at least Friday’s and any day I have a doctor appointment.

11. I’m lonely. I am not sure why all my so-called friends left me once my ex died. Were they only his friends, and I was just along for the ride? If it wasnt for me, they wouldn’t have hung out as much. I rather have a bunch of friends that hug me (and sometimes understands me,) than a random boyfriend who will just cheat on me when he realize with my health issues I cannot give him physical intimacy.

12. Can, I please win the Mega millions jackpot? I mean. . .May I please win the Mega millions jackpot? God/Goddess, you know 66% (2/3rds) will go to help others just like we agreed. I need a place to call home again, preferable our old land with a new house on it. You know if I had the choice right now. . . I would choose money over love. (I had love with Tom, and now it’s my time to work on me and help others. PLEASE. Today, I am buying a lottery ticket, may it have the six winning lottery numbers on it, again, please.).

13. I’m tired of the constant depressed and anxious feelings. . . That instant feeling of doom just around the corner. I hate how I am instantly sad like I want to cry but no reason why. . . Or I snap without warning. Who would want a friend who can bite your head off figuratively speaking?

There are more problems but these are the main issues that constantly boil in my head . . . It’s hard to sleep when my mind doesn’t stop. Maybe since I vented, I can sleep better. . . We’ll see.

Now you may go back to regular scheduled program. . . Lol.

Some Eharmony Questions

1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why? My family, because they are always there for me no matter my health or my mood.

2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving? I want to a famous multi-genre author and blogger.

3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry? My self and then my mom, but thing is my mom just has really bad timing, she just pushes me when I’m tired or my nerves are fired or both. My self is because I want to be everyone’s everything and be in control and the truth is I can’t.

4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable? Mom and my youngest brother. . . mom let’s me be who I am, and youngest brother taught me to be affectionate and cuddle.

5. How do you feel about yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
physically—drained from health issues
emotionally—strained from health issues
Mentally—obsessed from inspired research
Spiritually—buzzed and fuzzy from being hard to relax or focus

6. When do you feel inspired? How does it feel when you are inspired? All kinds of thing inspire me: another blogs, writings, books, movies, art, movies etc. and they can inspire at anytime. I usually get inspired the most when I’m busy or very tired and need sleep. I feel like my thoughts speak a mile a minute. . . my head fills with questions, and it does not stop. . . its one of the reason I’m an insomniac.

7. What is the most important thing in the world to you? My writing, family, food, and cats.

8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
Breakfast make Eggs Benedict with my dad
Write letters to everyone
Lunch with my mom
Shopping for everyone
Dinner lasagna with everyone
Multiple desserts
Give gifts and letters
Play Wii bowling
Write for a while

9. When do you feel most afraid? To be honest, all of the time for different reasons. . . . being alone, being a car accident, being homeless, having little friends or super busy friends, losing more family, dying before my writings are complete, being completely misunderstood etc.

10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be? Complete all my writing projects

11. What bores you? Why is this?
1. Women playing sports (I’m not saying, not to play, but I just prefer watching men playing American football, wrestling, baseball, basketball etc. this not count on the Olympics.)
2. Black n’ white TV. . . puts me to sleep. I love colors.
3. When writer’s block, I can’t even research, I’m that stuck.

12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it? Money is NOT the meaning to happiness. Its only a means to an end. More money, more taxes and problems lol. I have never had much money, but I do have a supportive family, a roof over my head, lights on, food, a good shower, toilet, and best of all my writing supplies. Its all that counts. I only think about maybe 20% of time when I’m budgeting, paying a bills or playing lottery.

13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you? My spirituality is complicated. I do believe in a higher deity . . .divided into two God and Goddess. They need each other, they support each other so they are never alone, and they balance each other.
I have read the bible (I know it does not mention the God and Goddess, but it makes no sense for God to be alone, and yet tell us to find a mate.)
I do not really like most churches, but I will talk about God, worship (sing and play piano, prefer modern worship guitars, drums etc.) and pray. Prayer helps my worrying.

14. What three interests are you most passionate about?
1. Creative works: creating worlds including playing sims, making art and writing stories.)
2. Food. I’m a foodie.
3. Cats. I love my furbabies. Note: I like puppies too.

15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy? I am my worst enemy. I over think and worry. I’m critical on myself about chores, job, weight, my writing, control, depression, anxiety, anger, and if I am good enough.

16. How important is food to you? Do you feel disciplined when it comes to eating? I love and enjoy food. It’s an art and experience. It’s not just a substance. I try to discipline myself, but food is good, and life is short.

17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you—or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like? I would like to try marriage and if I do marriage I hoping for it to last forever(until we both go to the pearly gates.) If I can find Mr. Right for me who I want and need, then I defiantly want long term. I want someone I can truly depend on and who is as loyal as I am.

18. Do you consider yourself emotionally healthy? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement? *laughs* I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes. I need more friends who understand me and what I have. . .
PTSD
Depression
Anxiety
Anger issues
Self esteem issues
Creative chaos

19. Do you argue very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out? Yes, I argue with my family more than not, (we argue all the freakin’ time lol), they call me the bear. (My personal term is bitchy bear.)

20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? (I’m really not to sure as most my friends scattered once my ex died. I think I just remind them of his death.) I think. . . they would say
“She left so soon.” Or “She was still here?”
“Good die young.” Or “Did she piss God/repeaper off too?”
“We should have hung out more. . . ” or “I couldn’t let her near my kids that lazy or depressed.”

21. Would you got back to any ex? No. I would not go back with any of my exes. There are reasons we didn’t work out.

Things I’ve learned from my exes.
1. I need someone with a sense of humor.
2. I need someone at least as loyal as I am.
3. I need someone reliable.
4. I need someone who let’s me take the lead ( I need control.)
5. I need someone who at least tries to understand me.
6. I need someone positive.
7. I need someone who love cats.
8. I need a dreaming doer.
9. I need someone who can communicate clearly.
10. I need someone around my age (26 to 39) who is into me as I am into them.
11. I want someone with some similarities and interests.
12. I want someone who likes sports.
13. I want someone smart.
14. I want someone semi spiritual.
15. I want someone into reading.
16. I want someone who cleans.

Note: there is a huge difference between needing and wanting.

https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/twenty-questions-to-ask-yourself/

I will have more questions and blogs on here and specific questions on https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/

Analyzing Me with Eharmony

Why am I analyzing myself with the questionnaire questions and articles from Eharmony?

Note: for those who do not know Eharmony is a Christian online date site which uses many questions to figure out your just right partner if they have that person online too.

So why am I doing this (especially when I failed their questionaire twice and was kicked off the site once when I said I thought I was bi-curious.)

First, I I usually overanalyze most things and dating is not different. Some things I’ve overanalyzed, I’ve gotten right and other things I’ve learned from.

Second, I’m not doing this to date (yet), but I hope to learn more about myself. (If I find friends who get me or maybe Mr. Right-for-me, then awesome. I’m here to learn first.)

Third, I really love answering questions and talking surveys and quizzes about myself.

My mom used to tell that . . . “Opposite attract.” That might be right in science, but mom and dad were opposites and they didn’t last. (Its also probably why I argue with myself too. J/k lol.)

I think for partners, there needs some similarities and some differences to keep things interesting p. As long as they keep communication open and honest, that is what is most important.

I need to know myself and get my “stuff” together before I can get someone else involved in the chaotic fun that is me. Lol.

What I Learned in 2017

1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 

I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

What I Learned in 2017

1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 

I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

What I want right now…

• I want a house (shared with family) with my own space. I don’t need my own per say, but just my own space that I can make my own.  

1. Desk for my working computer with a comfy chair
2. My own recliner with soft sheet set.
3. Place for my writing
4. Bigger kitchen to cook and bake
5. I want a book shelf where I can store my books. Note: buy more books

• I want at least two cats. I want them cuddly and trainable. Yes, I have trained my cats, to beg for treats, follow me, and ask for food.
• I want a place close to city where mom or I can find at least a part time job. 
• I want a place where I can paint. 
• I want a bathroom with a large tub, I can soak in.  
• Internet and cable throughout the house. 
• Good heat and a/c
• Friendly neighbors
• More friends that really get me
• I want my health and sleep to get better
• Honest people (No catfish and canceled dates)

2017 death, men, meh.

It has been a trying year.

 I think I’ve had more bad days and blah days than nice days. 

I’ve lost more people and been more rejected this year than all of my life. 

I’m not sure why or how I keep doing it. 

With the winter coming, I will need as much mental help as I can get. . .

I claim now 2018 . . . Better than 2017. 

Do I care too much?

Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.

We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.

January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.

In August of 2016, he got a successful  liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.

November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.

In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)

I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.

Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.

I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)

I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?

P.S.  since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole. 

Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors. 

Who I really am.

• ​I am a writer.

I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive. 

I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. (Http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com)

• I am a foodie.

I love food. (Yes, I am a bigger lady, and I am watching my weight for health. However I will not deny a new or fun food experience. )

 I enjoy making food, cooking, baking, and going out. (When I got out, I usually try to order something, I usually I will not make at home.)

• I am always learning.

I’m always researching for my writing. I’ve learned from life experience as well. 

I enjoy reading and finding out more about all kinds of things.

• I am a bear. (Or a bulldog whatever is cuter.)

I am a very determined person. The loyal person. The type of person who would do whatever I had to.

 I may be sweet or cranky doing it, it depends on how people treat me.