Trying to write more

I am trying my best to write more about myself. . .

2020 was a trying year. . .

1. I had such bad writer’s block that I barely got role-playing and journaling in . . . .everything else (writing wise) I was completely blocked or I had to force it. (My boyfriend and writing partner helped me amazingly to get something out, but nothing got finished.) My writing updates will be here https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com
2. I gain the 19 pounds that I had lost in 2019 and gained extra. (It’s more frustrating.) If I get one more damn doctor claiming that weight lost is the cure all, I will scream. Yes, I am trying my best to simply slow down on my soda, but produce does not hold as well as rice and pasta. It’s hard to go for a walk with a mask on, breathing.
3. I did pray a lot but I still have depression mixed with being stuck inside due to the quarantine.
4. I was paranoid going out due to the viral pandemic. (Shopping wasn’t that fun anymore. I feel bad for local businesses. I am afraid to go to the doctor because I might get the virus. I have several family members with weak immune systems.)
5. The masks are causing teeth and breathing issues. (I am avoiding the dentist, because the last time he tried to fix my teeth the three doses of Novocaine did not work. A drill without Novocaine is excruciating. My lower jaw is way more sensitive.)
6. I will admit that I went through a lot of drama this year. (I hope I am wiser and stronger this year. I also am in a very complicated relationship, but I will not give it up for the world.)
7. I am trying to how to find my own happiness and self-love. (I learned you need to help yourself before you can truly help others. I am also working on my spiritual way.)

I hope to write more here as soon as I can, but I also want to write a few short stories this weekend.

Day 15: Outer Image

Day 15: Do you like your personal appearance? If so, why? If not, what are some ways you could view yourself differently?

I’m trying to better myself

My body has always been an up and down issue with me. I’ve always been a larger, curvy girl. My legs are 90% muscle, (cannot be pinched) because of the sports I was in and even now I walk whenever I can. My behind or stomach are my problem areas when they are the last to get slimmer, sigh.

I’m not into dressing up, make up or heel. I’m into comfort: jeans and tee shirts. (It’s hard for me to any skirt, blouse or dress that I like or feel good in. My weight with heels, ah, no, no no.)

As for my face, I’ve always had a youthful, cute face. I love my high cheek bones, bottom of the lake blue eyes, and a nice smile. (I get comments on my eyes.) My hair is fine but greasy , I have dyed it in all colors but green, and I usually gave it in a pony tail. (The back of my neck gets hot fast.) My teeth need extra care, but over I’m not bad.

It just depends on my mood in how I see myself, on a good day I see myself as 7 (minus health issues.) On a bad day . . . a -2.

I am hard on myself, and I am my worst enemy. (I’ve gotten more compliments than insults on my personal ads, and yet the insult seem to sting longer.)

Self challenge: Day 1

I’m taking part in 31 day self challenge. . . From http://www.7cups.com

That I posted here. . . https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

Day 1: Self Esteem Challenge – List 10 things that you love about yourself. (Physical or personality)

1. My writing http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com

2. My musical ability

3. Giving nature

4. Strength

5. Control

6. Endurance

7. My hope

8. Sense of humor

9. My hair

10. My eyes

I’m trying to better myself

I go to a therapy site that has helped quite a bit http://www.7cups.com

I will admit if I could afford in would try a few of the therapist there and maybe a few new paths.

I’m on the free account and forums really help, the path and the listeners sometime help. However I usually get good feedback and encouragement on the forums.

On one of forums they have a monthly challenge for positivity and building yourself up.

I’m going to post my answers on their and here. I’m going to try daily.

“The challenge is over 31 days, each day presenting a new task, encouraging us to value ourselves and recognize our skills and qualities. The tasks include:”

Day 1, October 1: List 10 things that you love about yourself. (Physical or personality)

Day 2: List 5 things that make you smile or happy.

Day 3: What is one fear or goal that you would like to conquer?

Day 4: What do you do to feel better when you’re having a bad day?

Day 5: What’s your proudest accomplishment?

Day 6: What are some obstacles that are preventing you from accomplishing your goals? What will you do to overcome them?

Day 7: Do you think you care too much about what others think? If so how can you change that?

Day 8: What is a food you enjoy that makes you feel good?

Day 9: Do you have genuine respect for yourself and who you are as an individual? And if not, how can you change that?

Day 10: Are you happy with your “inner person”? If so, why or why not?

Day 11: Is your self-talk negative or positive? If it is negative, what are some more positive ways to talk to yourself?

Day 12: What’s the last thing you did that made you feel proud of yourself? Why did it make you feel this way?

Day 13: Share about the last time you felt confident in yourself. Why did you feel that confident?

Day 14: Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so, who and why?

Day 15: Do you like your personal appearance? If so, why? If not, what are some ways you could view yourself differently?

Day 16: Do you have makeup, clothing or an accessory that makes you feel positive about yourself? If so what is it, and how does it make you feel positive?

Day 17: What do you do to feel calmer when you’re stressed?

Day 18: Do you like the way you talk? If so, why? If not, how can you view it more positively?

Day 19: Do you have an activity that makes you feel alive and good within yourself?

Day 20: Has your self-esteem improved with doing this challenge so far during the month? If so, how? If not, why not?

Day 21: Name at least 5 things that you are good at.

Day 22: Which of your skills or abilities to you pride yourself on?

Day 23: What is your ideal outcome of this challenge?

Day 24: Do you compare yourself to others? How can you be more focused on yourself?

Day 25: If you met a person that was just like you, would you like them? If so, why? If not, how could you view the person more positively?

Day 26: When was the last time you were too hard on yourself? What do you think you could have done to treat and comfort yourself instead?

Day 27: What is the main barrier to you having positive self-esteem? How can you break free from it?

Day 28: What do you consider to be healthy self-esteem? Does this match the dictionary definition of healthy self-esteem?

Day 29: What do you think of your teeth and your smile? Do you like them and if so, why? If not, how can you view them more positively?

Day 30: Validation is important to our self-esteem. Do others encourage you? If not, what are some ways that you can ask them to so your self-esteem is improved?

Day 31: Rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1-10? Has your self-esteem improved?

Note: All of the credit goes to http://www.7cups.com

Furbabies

Growing up, my sibling and I were raised that our pets, were not just animals but they were a part of the family. They were family members. We always had at least a cat or dog. . . Sometimes we have rabbits or hamsters too. However most cats and dome dogs were furry babies, I can depend on to talk ur snuggle. The animals do listen and communicate back.

I was snuggling with a cat at age of 6 months, my parents have pictures if me in my baby photo album cuddling with my first cat, Spooky, she was a black Siamese. She got wild: she would hiss and scratch, and they took her to a farm. (My grandpa actually did, the same farm, he got his watermelons, he sold at his fruit stand.)

My first dog was a corgi named hopeless. She died when she got hit by a car . . . I was 7, my parents took it hard.

Mama was my second cat a miniature torishell, she had Orange, an orange tiger, who can open doors. She also had Joey (a grey tiger) and Roshell (torishell) who cuddled with each other.

Our second dog was a Keeshond, Bear, a grey fuzzy winter dog, hair everywhere. . . Who knocked down the Christmas tree the first day home as a puppy. It was sad to see him go. We had him 15 years, easy.

My dad go more corgis, were had four in the last ten years. One of the claimed my youngest brother. Ten years later, he had to put her down. It was hard, but it made him tough.

I had one of my favorite Mona a miniature caico, who loved my brother’s cat Dirty Dog, an orange tiger. (My brother has claimed all orange cats.) He was originally Sir Doughnut after eating an entire doughnut bigger than he was after eating weed when he was a kitten. Dirty would talk to me and would argue with Mona. my mom would feed Dirty, but he would burping my brother’s face.

I loved the other cats I had Sybelle who thought she was better than all, and Armand who was brother to Mona. Armand ran away.

I had MoMo for almost a year, but she by herself had anxiety whenever I would leave to do errands. So I sent her to a family that had other cats, because she needed to know that she was not alone.

My current cat that I miss is elmo. I helped heal him with an eye infection.

I am currently in a living situation in which I cannot have a cat. They help my anxiety, and I can cuddle with them.

We have a stray, I also call Mama. We got someone to take her kittens, but they said she was too wild, but I’m not supposed to feed her. It kills me.

I don’t want kids. https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/09/11/anti-kid-zone/

However I do want a few fur babies. I hope to find a guy who love cats and some dogs like I do. Someone who will help take care of them and let them sleep with us in bed.

I hope to get out of my live-in situation soon, so I can have my cats again.
They help me with my anxiety and depression. They are not just my fur babies, but my friends. They are the third thing that makes me happy. . . (1. Writing, 2. Good food, 3. Cats)

Things that keep me up at night. . .

I posted a simple version of this on my therapy site 7 cups.

I’ve been to 2 therapists, one kept pushing a job, but I have energy issues.the second one kept saying most are my issues are hormonal.

My main thoughts in no particular order. . .

1. Are the different pieces of my family ok? My mom has her health issues. My dad side of he family still not talking to me. . . But I still think of them. My closest brother has health issues (but sometimes, I think he does better than me.). My one brother just got married and other just graduated with many options ahead for him. I have a very young sister, so young she could easily be my own daughter and yet, I haven’t gotten to bond with her. I rather play with the toddler than the infant. I have a sister-in-law who I wish I so could chat with more, but it all just turns into he-said, he-said drama.

2. When can we have our own space (My family and I?) (My mom, brother and uncle live in a very tight space, and it’s very crowded and not as fun as like the show “My Name is Earl.) I would just like my own desk, working computer, WiFi, and recliner to sleep in.

3. I can’t work, and a few doctors will write notes, but government facilities will not count it. (Stupid president killed that.) I can’t work, I can’t sleep right: I go to bed tired, I wake up tired. No one wants me to use those 5 hour vitamins shots, but it’s the only way I can function for errands.

4. I can’t lose weight due to hormones I’m taking and bad sleep issues. The body needs to be balanced and get right sleep in order to function correctly. I lose 5 pounds, but gain ten in water weight. I’m going to scream if I get more doctor thinking all of my health problems are based on me being overweight. I can’t work so I can’t buy decent groceries. Because of weight I feel I’m ugly and not worthy. . . My doctors or media do not help my self esteem.

5. I can go from sweet and caring to bitter and mean. I’m also losing the propper, politeness filter of saying things especially when I’m flustered. My family know I’m bruntly honest, and I try to watch for other’s feelings, but they call me the bear, because I can snap and growl for no reason. I’m afraid to date because it’s bad to snap for no reason in the middle of a date. I don’t know all of my triggers. I know it’s hormonal, and my doctors don’t seem to care.

6. My energy versus my “luck” versus my writing. I love to write, but my lights and computers keep breaking. . . I feel like fates are against me writing, why God/Goddess, why? Writing helps me release and express myself. I’m borrowing the third desk light from a neighbor. I have two computers: one broke in which wires are exposed, my other computer’s fan is broken and charger over heats. I’m using my mom tablet to write this because my tablet needs to be plugged in at all times and tries to run every program at once. (Even when I have them turned off, it’s like if my Wi-Fi is on, it tries to override my controls.)

7. Why can’t I have a cat? Cats help my anxiety, especially petting them when they purr. The current land lady doesn’t even want us feeding the old stray, friendly mama cat.

8. Where can I advertise my blogs? I feel I do not have enough readers and fans, but I feel Facebook pushes it too much.

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/

9. Why am in pain at least 5 days out of week? Headaches, pelvic pains, sinus pains, back pains, hip pain. . . Cramping when it’s not even my lady time. WTH? What is wrong with me? (I will let the doctors do their tests, but they can’t say it’s my weight.) I feel I get passed from doctor to doctor (as if they don’t want me) leaving me with more questions than any solutions. . .

10. I am so easily distracted. I can’t mediate or focus without someone or something pulling away my attention, especially during the day. So I try to write between the hours of 11pm to 3am, sometimes later, but I have to have a day schedule on at least Friday’s and any day I have a doctor appointment.

11. I’m lonely. I am not sure why all my so-called friends left me once my ex died. Were they only his friends, and I was just along for the ride? If it wasnt for me, they wouldn’t have hung out as much. I rather have a bunch of friends that hug me (and sometimes understands me,) than a random boyfriend who will just cheat on me when he realize with my health issues I cannot give him physical intimacy.

12. Can, I please win the Mega millions jackpot? I mean. . .May I please win the Mega millions jackpot? God/Goddess, you know 66% (2/3rds) will go to help others just like we agreed. I need a place to call home again, preferable our old land with a new house on it. You know if I had the choice right now. . . I would choose money over love. (I had love with Tom, and now it’s my time to work on me and help others. PLEASE. Today, I am buying a lottery ticket, may it have the six winning lottery numbers on it, again, please.).

13. I’m tired of the constant depressed and anxious feelings. . . That instant feeling of doom just around the corner. I hate how I am instantly sad like I want to cry but no reason why. . . Or I snap without warning. Who would want a friend who can bite your head off figuratively speaking?

There are more problems but these are the main issues that constantly boil in my head . . . It’s hard to sleep when my mind doesn’t stop. Maybe since I vented, I can sleep better. . . We’ll see.

Now you may go back to regular scheduled program. . . Lol.

A long time to be in the shadows. . .

I’ve had anxiety has been since grade school. . . Started with test anxiety and dealing with a very hot-tempered father. I wanted to have good grades to impress my family at first. (I am not sure if I did.)

I struggled at times with tests, I knew the info, but my nerves would have the worst in me. Speeches always made me nervous, but I’m not sure why . . . Probably the grades stay on my record and my record is important for college. . . In which did help me get full grants . . . I have Associate of Arts collecting dust.

I enjoyed the challenge of college, but unlike high school, studying and notes are not always just given to you. No one is going to push you to study. I think they should have a Saturday class to see if you are college material. If you can handle the classes, a job, plus college extras. .. I’m just saying college to me was made up of my own made self-pushing and anxiety. I always want to excel.

Currently my anxiety deals with new people and new situation, I’m afraid to start over only to get hurt again. (It’s a common fear, but how do I get over it?)

I do feel my anxiety and depression goes hand in hand. I get nervous because I try so hard to make others happy, to please others, to get them to like me. . . and when they do not like me, I get depressed. (I know not everyone is going to like me. I can be a moody person, but I am helper, honest, and one of the most loyal people I know. So I know if you don’t like me, it’s not my lost, there will be others.)

Depression is shorter (as I have not been depressed as much as simply worried) , it started probably end of high school. The snowball probably started with my ex- stepmother threatening my hot-tempered father on me when things didn’t go her way. I was always a people pleaser, and if I couldn’t please them, then my self esteem would lower and I believe my depression developed. (I know now that the only one I can please is myself.)

My depression now is from lack of friends and a love life, mixed with my unbalanced emotional, mood swings from female issues. I guess I need to get out more.

• I feel like I can stand in a crowded room and no one would understand me.
• I feel like I can clearly blog my every emotion and yet I still feel alone and misunderstood.

I have several moments in my life that cause ptsd.

Car issues 1995, 1999, and 2016

Adult issues 2005, 2007, 2016

Emotional issues 2005-2006, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2016-2017

PTSD issues, I don’t feel like getting into details at this time.

Not a morning person. . .

My sleep apnea makes me tired all of the time, but between 5am and 11am, I am at my worst. I am not a morning person. Coffee barely helps, but when it does, I make sure to get things done. (Especially when I have to do my chores and my mom’s chores, while she is down from her hernia surgery.)

• Try to Get up
• Make coffee
• Make breakfast
• Check meds
• Clean dishes
• Organize laundry
• Cook lunch
• Clean dishes
• Take out trash
• Banking
• Pay bills
• Shopping
• Laundry
• Cook dinner
• Dishes
• Make beds
• Clean bathroom
• Help mom out with medical stuff
• Schedule doctor appointments
• Fix broken phone
• Take out trash again
• Extra errands like get a new ID
• Make coffee again
• Find time for self
• Try to sleep

Yes this sounds like a normal to-do list for someone, but it’s hard when I am fighting energy when I have multi-health issues.

Bad Habits Part 2

Bad Habits Part 1 heres the link from part 1.
I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes.

I’m far from perfect, but I feel the more I write, the more I learn about myself.

I worry alot (over thinking doesn’t help.) I hate being out of control. If I can’t control something, I over think, over worry and then bite my nails and over eating to try and calm myself down. It usually ends in a stomache or headache

I feel have to plan and be in control. I feel better when I plan. Even though 90% of the time, nothing goes as planned. I love outlining, but my muses and character usually run the story their own ways. I love to make lists: chores, menus, take out orders, errands, grocery, budgeting with bills etc.

I love food. I mentioned in this in part 1, but I forgot the worst part of this habit is that I eat late at night. We joke I’m a vampire. Lol. I watch food network, and I get hungry. We have trying to only watching the food network in the afternoon or during meals.

I feel I have to come with a warning. . . . I can snap at any second for any reason. My mood swings are crazy. I’ve tried talking to several doctors and therapists. The therapist push it to the doctors, and the doctors push it to the therapists. It’s been over two years, and I haven’t gotten past a second date.

I am not a bad person. In fact, I’m the most honest and loyal person, I know.

I’m trying to fix myself. (I’m work in process. Perfection is boring.)

I am working on my current weaknesses. . .

I hate to clean, but with the right energy and good cleaning products, I have cleaned a bathroom pretty good. My bedroom and a kitchen are two rooms I hate to clean. I hate bed making, it can never get flat or even; I tuck in one side and I pull out the other. (But I love clean fresh tide-smelling sheets.)

Clothes wise, I don’t like to sew, cannot stay in a straight line. I also hate ironing. (I don’t dress up, so I need to do either.) I will throw a damp towel in a dryer with my wrinkled clothes so I don’t have to use the iron. I love folding towels, but I hate folding shirts. I am just bad with the sleeves. I am not a fan of laundry. It usually stays in the washer until, I remember or look on my do-to list.

My sleep schedule (my sleep apnea makes thinks worst for me.) Makes a lot of thing hard for me . . . Working a 9 to 5 schedule, day schedule period, (I seem to have the most energy between 8pm to 2am), it’s harder to heal, and harder to control my moods. (I plan to get a cpap machine soon. I hope will get more energy during the day. Coffee and soda are my main sources of energy, right now.)

However I do NOT believe I am over honest or that I write too much.

Some Eharmony Questions

1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why? My family, because they are always there for me no matter my health or my mood.

2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving? I want to a famous multi-genre author and blogger.

3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry? My self and then my mom, but thing is my mom just has really bad timing, she just pushes me when I’m tired or my nerves are fired or both. My self is because I want to be everyone’s everything and be in control and the truth is I can’t.

4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable? Mom and my youngest brother. . . mom let’s me be who I am, and youngest brother taught me to be affectionate and cuddle.

5. How do you feel about yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
physically—drained from health issues
emotionally—strained from health issues
Mentally—obsessed from inspired research
Spiritually—buzzed and fuzzy from being hard to relax or focus

6. When do you feel inspired? How does it feel when you are inspired? All kinds of thing inspire me: another blogs, writings, books, movies, art, movies etc. and they can inspire at anytime. I usually get inspired the most when I’m busy or very tired and need sleep. I feel like my thoughts speak a mile a minute. . . my head fills with questions, and it does not stop. . . its one of the reason I’m an insomniac.

7. What is the most important thing in the world to you? My writing, family, food, and cats.

8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
Breakfast make Eggs Benedict with my dad
Write letters to everyone
Lunch with my mom
Shopping for everyone
Dinner lasagna with everyone
Multiple desserts
Give gifts and letters
Play Wii bowling
Write for a while

9. When do you feel most afraid? To be honest, all of the time for different reasons. . . . being alone, being a car accident, being homeless, having little friends or super busy friends, losing more family, dying before my writings are complete, being completely misunderstood etc.

10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be? Complete all my writing projects

11. What bores you? Why is this?
1. Women playing sports (I’m not saying, not to play, but I just prefer watching men playing American football, wrestling, baseball, basketball etc. this not count on the Olympics.)
2. Black n’ white TV. . . puts me to sleep. I love colors.
3. When writer’s block, I can’t even research, I’m that stuck.

12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it? Money is NOT the meaning to happiness. Its only a means to an end. More money, more taxes and problems lol. I have never had much money, but I do have a supportive family, a roof over my head, lights on, food, a good shower, toilet, and best of all my writing supplies. Its all that counts. I only think about maybe 20% of time when I’m budgeting, paying a bills or playing lottery.

13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you? My spirituality is complicated. I do believe in a higher deity . . .divided into two God and Goddess. They need each other, they support each other so they are never alone, and they balance each other.
I have read the bible (I know it does not mention the God and Goddess, but it makes no sense for God to be alone, and yet tell us to find a mate.)
I do not really like most churches, but I will talk about God, worship (sing and play piano, prefer modern worship guitars, drums etc.) and pray. Prayer helps my worrying.

14. What three interests are you most passionate about?
1. Creative works: creating worlds including playing sims, making art and writing stories.)
2. Food. I’m a foodie.
3. Cats. I love my furbabies. Note: I like puppies too.

15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy? I am my worst enemy. I over think and worry. I’m critical on myself about chores, job, weight, my writing, control, depression, anxiety, anger, and if I am good enough.

16. How important is food to you? Do you feel disciplined when it comes to eating? I love and enjoy food. It’s an art and experience. It’s not just a substance. I try to discipline myself, but food is good, and life is short.

17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you—or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like? I would like to try marriage and if I do marriage I hoping for it to last forever(until we both go to the pearly gates.) If I can find Mr. Right for me who I want and need, then I defiantly want long term. I want someone I can truly depend on and who is as loyal as I am.

18. Do you consider yourself emotionally healthy? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement? *laughs* I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes. I need more friends who understand me and what I have. . .
PTSD
Depression
Anxiety
Anger issues
Self esteem issues
Creative chaos

19. Do you argue very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out? Yes, I argue with my family more than not, (we argue all the freakin’ time lol), they call me the bear. (My personal term is bitchy bear.)

20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? (I’m really not to sure as most my friends scattered once my ex died. I think I just remind them of his death.) I think. . . they would say
“She left so soon.” Or “She was still here?”
“Good die young.” Or “Did she piss God/repeaper off too?”
“We should have hung out more. . . ” or “I couldn’t let her near my kids that lazy or depressed.”

21. Would you got back to any ex? No. I would not go back with any of my exes. There are reasons we didn’t work out.

Things I’ve learned from my exes.
1. I need someone with a sense of humor.
2. I need someone at least as loyal as I am.
3. I need someone reliable.
4. I need someone who let’s me take the lead ( I need control.)
5. I need someone who at least tries to understand me.
6. I need someone positive.
7. I need someone who love cats.
8. I need a dreaming doer.
9. I need someone who can communicate clearly.
10. I need someone around my age (26 to 39) who is into me as I am into them.
11. I want someone with some similarities and interests.
12. I want someone who likes sports.
13. I want someone smart.
14. I want someone semi spiritual.
15. I want someone into reading.
16. I want someone who cleans.

Note: there is a huge difference between needing and wanting.

https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/twenty-questions-to-ask-yourself/

I will have more questions and blogs on here and specific questions on https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/