My brain will not stop 

I can rant and go on and on, but my brain still will not stop. This has caused me insomnia and . .. 

 I’ve tried. . . .

  1. breathing exercises, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3
  2. Turning off the TV
  3. Mediating 
  4. Music
  5. Cutting down on my caffeine after 4

I’m still up 5 out 7 nights a week with my everlasting thoughts. 

Average thoughts

  1. Health issues, when will I get fixed
  2. Why do my hormones keep making me a b*tch?
  3. Food issues is there ever enough
  4. Why do I feel so useless? I do help with errands, and cooking
  5. Writing scheduling
  6. Errand scheduling
  7. Sleep issues and why I cannot sleep when I supposed to. 
  8. Depression
  9. Guys vs what I want 
  10. Hope’s and dreams vs depression

This what my head is like . . . 

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Depression strikes again. 

I’m exhausted. Sleep only happens in single cycles of 3 hours maybe more, here and there.

I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks and depression fighting me all weekend. 

Nightmares of being abandoned and lost and confused.  (My chest is getting tight just thinking of it.)

Past coming back to literally haunt me, but migraines beating me instead. Past on hold. 

Chest heavy, breathing hard, panic catching in my throat. 

Stomach turns, food comes from helping hands, but doesn’t help.  

That is my weekend. I did manage to get to write pieces here and there. There is a light. 


Rolls eyes

I suck. . .

At playing it cool.

I bite my tongue when he asks if I am ok as I am afraid I would chase him away with everything in my head. He doesn’t want to hear my true feelings, he barely texts he misses me. 

He doesn’t want to hear that I am freaking out because I feel like he rather be somewhere else 9 times out 10 we text. Or that I’m freaking out because I do not feel I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, quiet enough, strict/dominant enough.  . . He wants to me to demand him what to do, how to do it and simply be happy with that. 

He is out bettering himself. I cannot even get up to get a can of soda. I made dinner, but didn’t finish my fantasy football list. I feel completely deflated and not worthy.

I cannot sleep.

My mind will not stop.

All I do is freak out.

I’m loud and cannot play it cool. 

What is wrong with me?

Therapy exercise

I was asked “Where do I see myself in a year?” 

This year, from Sept (2016) to Sept (2017), I’ve learned that so much can change in the year. 

  • By next Sept (2018), I hope to have my thriller novella trilogy being sold in real book stores. 
  • I also hope to help my mom and brother have their own place with two cats.
  • I hope I am with a great guy who gets me, but that is icing on the cake. 

My goal is to put my past behind me and build my confidence. 

Where do I see myself in 5 years?”

(When I was in therapy, I had said I wanted to be with a guy, I found out was a catfish.) I realize I need  to focus on me. 

  • I hope to be on book tours and lectures and selling my books.
  • I hope my family is taken care of.
  • I hope to be with someone, but again it is icing on the cake. 

I try to focus a day at a time, not to look at the future. I get anxious thinking about it. 

 

Health vs reality

Yesterday was a challenge to get out of bed.  I hate my life like that. I don’t need bitter, harsh people having me to jump into reality. . . They will piss me off and make me hug my pillows harder.

However I simply need someone excited about life and telling me “let’s take one step at a time.” I want them to tell me “getting out of bed is a baby step, help me with dinner, and then we’ll go shopping or watch a movie.”

I have goals and dreams. I have things I want to accomplish in my life. I feel I really need support getting there. . .

My health issues are not always visible. Last night out of nowhere, after several really good days, I was completely down and out. I felt like nothing had meaning. My writing had no value and I felt depressed and empty. I hate that deflated feeling. . . Like deflated balloon in a dried up mud puddle. 

Normally, I know my triggers, but I’m getting depressed without trigger. It’s starting to scare me.

I just want to get better. A site that helps me http://www.7cups.com/21800318

Baggage

I used to watch the game show called Baggage. Jerry Springer was the host. There was the main person, male or female which had a piece of extreme baggage. Then they get to see three or four of the wanted type of partner with their small, medium, and large baggage. 

It made me think what is my baggage. 

Small baggage: I’m very close to my family. I moved back in with them. (My ex didn’t want me to work, so when he passed away, I had nothing. I try to help support my family and they help and support me.)

Medium baggage: I am seeking someone to inspire me and support my writing career. 

Large baggage: I have health issues which encourages me to entrance more of a dominant life style. I am a dominant yet sensual mistress who loves control. I love chastity and other fetishes. I want a submissive boyfriend who wants me for who I am and supports me. 
Surprising baggage: I do not want kids, and I will not date those with kids. I rather have 2 to 3 cats. I helped raise my brothers and was forced into an education major, this burnt me out. I want adult fun, writing my book, like running around the house naked or have dinner parties or traveling more.  

I need to stop thinking. . .

I need to stop thinking because the mixture of loneliness, desperation, and self doubt. . . I start to overthink and go against my first impression, and gut feeling. 

My gut is 95% correct. It always been on the money with what I truly need. 

However with my hormonal imbalance my heart and my head keeps twisting my thoughts. Then you add all this time I have in the mixture and my desperate thoughts are trying to sneak against my own boundaries. I put those there for a reason . . . Somethings make me uncomfortable.

My gut is telling me hold my ground.

But. . .

  • My hormones want to have fun. 
  • My broken heart wants comfort. 
  • My soul is hallow. 
  • My head is lonely. 

I just want a friend who gets me. 

Secret confession 

I’m learning I need to face my own feelings and emotions. I realize I need to do this to get back to myself and my happiness. 

My confession is the statements “I’m okay.” and “I’m fine.” Are my go to saying. It’s better than explaining emotions or complaining about my life’s issues.  

For example, when someone asks “how are you? ”  I say ” I’m okay.” Instead of “my insurance gave me an error and I couldn’t get my meds. This guy push me to give him my number, and I wish I hadn’t. I just wasted a year on a guy who catfished and lied to me. The guy I think I like is too busy for me, but I can’t stop thinking of him.. My ride for errands cancelled on me. This is all making me edging and my anxiety is high. However our towel smell amazing.”

If I said all of that I think I would overwhelm a new person. 

I’ve been on a new therapy site called http://www.7cups.com and they have chats with groups, listeners and therapists. They also have tests and exercises to help with my depression and anxiety. I have getting more benefits from that site than my 2 therapists in real life. 

If you chat with me and I say fine or ok, there usually (9 times out of 10) there is more. Don’t ask about it unless you really want to hear about it, please. 

I think I can heal now

I chatted with a guy online, I was apprehensive at first and I should have been
I have written this and rewritten  this because I am a professional and I try not to slander those who can so easily take down himself. 

I just know I chatted with a guy on here for over a year and then he gets over sensitive and blocks me. I truly had no idea why he dropped me. 

I was going to post his name on here, but I know it’s not right. As much as I would like random people yelling at him for me, it’s not going to help me heal.  

He lied to me. However I got on a friend’s profile to find out he is causing his own soap opera. 

The thing was i thought that he was someone who understood me, but if he truly understood me . . . He would have been just honest with me, let us be be friends and move on.

I spend days wondering what I did wrong? What did I do to piss him off? What was wrong with me? I was hurt, broken all over again. Why would he talk to me everyday for over a year than to just to hurt me?

I just wish he was real and honest with me. I’m more hurt that he snunk behind my back than to say it is not going to work out. 
Maybe no one really gets me and I am just kidding myself. I am such a fool. 

At least, I know the truth and can and will move on.