My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .
My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.
Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.
I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.
However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.
Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.
This was a metaphor. . .
I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.
I’ve learned a few things. . .
- There are a few things that make me happy.
- There are people that support me.
- This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
- Hope is a very good thing.
- Coffee is liquid hope.
- Creative cooking is fun.
- I am responsible for me and my life.
- Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
- I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
- Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
- I need to let go and move on.
- I love to write.
- Word count by December 31, 2018 (400,000)
Finish “Driving Lies“
- Get my computer fixed
- Get a new cord for my computer
- Fixed my sleep apnea
- Help mom with diet
- Walk three times a week
- Work on getting a daily word count of 3000
- Work on wattpad account
- Write more stories
- Research and get a new place
- Publish something
- Work on personal project
- Post up to 200 blogs this year (among all my blogs)
Succeed in camp Nanowrimo April 30k
- Succeed in camp Nanowrimo July 30k
- Succeed in Nanowrimo November 50k
- Figure out who I am
Note: some of this list will repeat on my writing goals on my writing http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com
My time of day is off.
My energy is off. . .
Im just off. . . It’s because I’m worried.
I’m worried because my mom is the hospital waiting on medical specialists to figure out what to do with her inopratiable hernia. She now has a small obstruction, so I just hope they can fix it.
Meanwhile I’m doing her work and my work on lots of caffeine . . . Mostly coffee.
I would be with my mom, but I have a procedure I’ve scheduled six weeks ago to figure out my own health problems. Sigh.
I’m going crazy, and I’m mentally off. My mom issues just make my problems seem so trivial right now. I hope to get things figured out.
My Bad Habits
1. “I’m sorry.” I will say it even if I did nothing wrong. If the situation is wrong or bad. “I’m sorry.” Are the few words that come out of my mouth as if it’s my fault, it rained or that hot woman didn’t like you. It’s a bad force of the habit. I am the oldest of my siblings… and if something went wrong … it was my instant go to.
However I will not simply accept “I’m sorry,” or flower (I prefer candy or notebooks and pens.) for an apology especially if a person does not tell me what they are sorry about.
2. Over thinking… I question everything and if I have to rethink my questions and ideas … I wonder if my original ideas were right or wrong… I have talked myself out dates, meeting people, new experiences, jobs, writing projects. Please do NOT make me rethink my ideas.
I try myself to follow my hunches (gut), hearts, and then head… in that order.
3. I’m too soft. I feel I give in to easily, because I do not want to be alone. I have done stuff or meet people that I know don’t fit just because I want to get out. I need to stop this.
4. I keep blaming my health. I got dealt a weird and weak hand with life. I have to stop blaming myself for bad health and get creative. My health can impact my moodiness. I really need to stop hiding behind my health problems.
5. I can be lazy. I can write for hours or walk over a mile but I hate to clean. I simply blame my laziness. My laziness can talk me out of doing things… it’s hard to motivate myself when I simply do not want to do something.
6. I love food, and it can be a weakness such as going to my favorite restaurant. I love to cook, bake, and having nice dinner parties (nothing fancy just friends, food, games and movies.) It is a weakness to me, and lately it’s one of my only motivation which is sad.
I need to face my weaknesses…
- Food and shopping. (I love shopping whether it’s for fun or I have a list and goals.)
- Feeling guilty after bitchiness even someone deserves it. (I should only feel guilty if the person did not purposely push my buttons.)
- Loneliness vs being semi-social. (I have to understand not everyone has such an open schedule like I do. However there are time where I am simply tired, focused, or just too drained than to talked to people.)
I went to the doctor. . .
- UTI, I knew that one.
- My stuff updated, bloodwork and meds.
- I lost 5 pounds within the year.
- I have an appointment with my female stuff doctor. Most of my main problems are with my female junk.
- My hands are just sore from overuse, nor carpal tunnel syndrome or arthritis. Yay.
- I do have sleep apnea and need more test.
However why am I more tired with my meds, then when I was off of them?
I posted no smoking on my personals. In fact, smoking partners is a deal breaker.
I do not want to kiss ashtrays.
The last guy I was with was a smoker, and I couldn’t kiss him when he come home from work.
Gum does not hide the smoky taste or smell.
I am lonely, but no enough to give up my sensitive lungs to a smoker.
I will not tell someone to stop their bad habit, because that leaves them to tell me to stop mine (saying I`m sorry for nothing, stalling, and soda. I’m sure there are others bad habits too. I’m not perfect.)
It’s crazy those since posting “I do not want smokers,” I`ve gotten replies from 6 different guys who all smoke. Either they didn’t read my profile or simply don’t care what or whom I want.
What does deal breaker mean, people? I means I do NOT want to date smokers. Please move on.
I know at four doctors I need to schedule in. . . Maybe four if I need a specialist for my hands. ( They keep swelling, and my joints hurt. It hurts sometimes to hold a pen or fork.)
I’m doing camp Nano but I’m only giving myself a word count of 30,000 for my main goal. It’s only 1k per day. I thinkmi can type that. I did 35,000 both last August and November. I how to write a book of short stories. I talk more about it in my writers blog. . . Rebekah Quinne
I also hope to walk at least three times a week. I want to get in better shape and get more energy. I’m hoping to sleep better from it and get more focus.
The thing is I’m doing this for me. I’ve learned that I need to focus on myself and heal myself before I can help others.