What I want right now…

  • I want a house (shared with family) with my own space. I don’t need my own per say, but just my own space that I can make my own.  
  1. Desk for my working computer with a comfy chair
  2. My own recliner with soft sheet set.
  3. Place for my writing
  4. Bigger kitchen to cook and bake
  5. I want a book shelf where I can store my books. Note: buy more books
  • I want at least two cats. I want them cuddly and trainable. Yes, I have trained my cats, to beg for treats, follow me, and ask for food.
  • I want a place close to city where mom or I can find at least a part time job. 
  • I want a place where I can paint. 
  • I want a bathroom with a large tub, I can soak in.  
  • Internet and cable throughout the house. 
  • Good heat and a/c
  • Friendly neighbors
  • More friends that really get me
  • I want my health and sleep to get better
  • Honest people (No catfish and canceled dates)
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Recent Sleep schedule

Note: I’ve tried to keep coffee stopped by 6pm and soda by 10pm. 

Dec 1 2am to 8:15 9:20 to 10:35       choppy and feels exhausted

Dec 2 4am to 12:15pm                       still exhausted. Choked a few times

Dec 3 1:30am to 6:15 and   6:45 to  8:15 and   9 to 12 very choppy and foggy,                                                                 headache, and crampy
Dec 4 12:15 to 8:05am and 9:15 to 12:35  exhausted, hard to get up 

Dec 5 2:30 to 8:15 and 9:15 to 11:15      bad dream, tossed and turn alot

Dec 6 1:35 to 8:35  and 9:15 to 11 and 11:35 to 1. Foggy, exhausted

Dec 7 1:45 to 10:55 and 11to 1 and 4:45 to 715 could not stay awake

Dec 8 3am to 11:30                                  very choppy sleep

Dec 9 2:45 to 1:15                                     not super tired but foggy
The more I sleep through the night, the better I am. 

Between, hormonal issues, sleep apnea, headaches, depression, and other mental issues. . . My sleep just is not balanced. 

2017 death, men, meh. 

It has been a trying year.

 I think I’ve had more bad days and blah days than nice days. 

I’ve lost more people and been more rejected this year than all of my life. 

I’m not sure why or how I keep doing it. 

With the winter coming, I will need as much mental help as I can get. . .

I claim now 2018 . . . Better than 2017

Do I care too much?

Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.

We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.

January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.

In August of 2016, he got a successful  liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.

November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.

In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)

I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.

Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.

I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)

I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?

P.S.  since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole

Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors

Sleep issues: Sleep Apnea

It sucks. I have sleep apnea-it means that my throat does not open properly or let me inhale enough air. I snore hard and I gasp and choke from lack of oxygen.

Things that happen when you don’t get quality sleep. . .

  1.  Always exhausted
  2. Headaches 
  3. Blue lips from lack of oxygen
  4. Rings or begs under the eyes
  5. Dizzy
  6. Sick easier
  7. Hard to focus

All I want to do is to stay in bed and watch tv if Ican focus at all. It’s impossible to keep a steady job, which makes me feel like a failure and makes my depression higher. (Even now I forced myself out of bed, I’m fighting a headache, and I’m pushing myself to type.)

 I’ve tried so many things. . .

  1. Three or more pillows, helps to a point. 
  2. Fan
  3. Sleeping in a recliner
  4. Sleeping at different times a day

 I am currently in the process of fixing with my doctor over it. 

Sleep issues: Sleep Apnea

It sucks. I have sleep apnea-it means that my throat does not open properly or let me inhale enough air. I snore hard and I gasp and choke from lack of oxygen.

Things that happen when you don’t get quality sleep. . .

  1.  Always exhausted
  2. Headaches 
  3. Blue lips from lack of oxygen
  4. Rings or begs under the eyes
  5. Dizzy
  6. Sick easier
  7. Hard to focus

All I want to do is to stay in bed and watch tv if Ican focus at all. It’s impossible to keep a steady job, which makes me feel like a failure and makes my depression higher. (Even now I forced myself out of bed, I’m fighting a headache, and I’m pushing myself to type.)

 I’ve tried so many things. . .

  1. Three or more pillows, helps to a point. 
  2. Fan
  3. Sleeping in a recliner
  4. Sleeping at different times a day

 I am currently in the process of fixing with my doctor over it. 

Who I really am. 

  • ​I am a writer.

I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive. 

I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. (Http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com)

  • I am a foodie.

I love food. (Yes, I am a bigger lady, and I am watching my weight for health. However I will not deny a new or fun food experience. )

 I enjoy making food, cooking, baking, and going out. (When I got out, I usually try to order something, I usually I will not make at home.)

  • I am always learning.

I’m always researching for my writing. I’ve learned from life experience as well. 

I enjoy reading and finding out more about all kinds of things.

  • I am a bear. (Or a bulldog whatever is cuter.)

I am a very determined person. The loyal person. The type of person who would do whatever I had to.

 I may be sweet or cranky doing it, it depends on how people treat me. 

Being on best behavior 

When first dating, I was always told you in need to bring your best foot forward and be on your best behavior. 

  1. No burping on purpose. (Mouth closed and always say “Excuse me.”)
  2. I have to hold my farts. (It really hurts to hold it back. It makes the stomach upset. I try to get to the bathroom to release gas, but the whole damn thing is embarrassing.)
  3. No garlic or onion breath. (Always have gum or mints or candy )
  4. Don’t eat out of plate in yesterdays clothes with mismatched socks. (You know you have done it or a variation . Lol)
  5. Watch how much you cuss or yell at the tv with bad sports calls. (I was raised with brothers who enjoyed sports.
  6. Be polite (9 times out 10, I am polite) 
  7. No being moody or b*itchy (it is hard to hold back PMS if they are jerk.)
  8. Watch my weirdness and creativity (It can scare off “normal” people.) 
  9. Need to shave all of the right spots. (It feels nice, but is a lot of work.)
  10. Dress up. (I know that guys want me to dress up, but it is not me. Unless you have a extremely nice place to take me, then there is no point in me dressing up.)

I am not sure if there is a guy worth all of this energy. I mean most of my best behavior isn’t really me. 

I am honest and can be a rough on the edges, but I am best damn loyal girlfriend you’ll ever have

My brain will not stop 

I can rant and go on and on, but my brain still will not stop. This has caused me insomnia and . .. 

 I’ve tried. . . .

  1. breathing exercises, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3
  2. Turning off the TV
  3. Mediating 
  4. Music
  5. Cutting down on my caffeine after 4

I’m still up 5 out 7 nights a week with my everlasting thoughts. 

Average thoughts

  1. Health issues, when will I get fixed
  2. Why do my hormones keep making me a b*tch?
  3. Food issues is there ever enough
  4. Why do I feel so useless? I do help with errands, and cooking
  5. Writing scheduling
  6. Errand scheduling
  7. Sleep issues and why I cannot sleep when I supposed to. 
  8. Depression
  9. Guys vs what I want 
  10. Hope’s and dreams vs depression

This what my head is like . . .