Opened eyes

My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .

My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.

Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.

I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.

However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.

Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.

This was a metaphor. . .

I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.

I’ve learned a few things. . .

  • There are a few things that make me happy.
  • There are people that support me.
  • This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
  • Hope is a very good thing.
  • Coffee is liquid hope.
  • Creative cooking is fun.
  • I am responsible for me and my life.
  • Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
  • I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
  • Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
  • I need to let go and move on.
  • I love to write.
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A bit bummed

YIM (yahoo instant messenger) is stopping their application on July 17.

It was really the only messenger I trusted and would go back to (especially after they stopped their chat rooms.)

KIK . . . keeps glitching on me with pass codes and calling me a bot for talking to one than one person at a time. I’m not a bot, just a multitasker. Grrrr

SKYPE. . . I used to be on Skype until it’s full of nothing but pervs, and what they want to show me on cam. No thanks, what happen to a decent chat?

I’m not into Hang outs or snap chat either. Sigh.

I will not instantly give out my phone number after like two messages. I have situation where I’m not alone so no naughty picture texts or bad phone calls.

. . . So I’m not sure what chatting system I’m going use in the future. Maybe my Facebook messenger, but who knows?

Sitting here worried

My time of day is off.

My energy is off. . .

Im just off. . . It’s because I’m worried.

I’m worried because my mom is the hospital waiting on medical specialists to figure out what to do with her inopratiable hernia. She now has a small obstruction, so I just hope they can fix it.

Meanwhile I’m doing her work and my work on lots of caffeine . . . Mostly coffee.

I would be with my mom, but I have a procedure I’ve scheduled six weeks ago to figure out my own health problems. Sigh.

I’m going crazy, and I’m mentally off. My mom issues just make my problems seem so trivial right now. I hope to get things figured out.

April is going to busy

I know at four doctors I need to schedule in. . . Maybe four if I need a specialist for my hands. ( They keep swelling, and my joints hurt. It hurts sometimes to hold a pen or fork.)

I’m doing camp Nano but I’m only giving myself a word count of 30,000 for my main goal. It’s only 1k per day. I thinkmi can type that. I did 35,000 both last August and November. I how to write a book of short stories. I talk more about it in my writers blog. . . Rebekah Quinne

I also hope to walk at least three times a week. I want to get in better shape and get more energy. I’m hoping to sleep better from it and get more focus.

The thing is I’m doing this for me. I’ve learned that I need to focus on myself and heal myself before I can help others.

My body doesn’t like clocks

My sleep schedules are really off. . .

If I fall asleep between 7 pm and 9pm will be up by the latest 2am and my schedule is completely off.

Then I usually write 2am until 8 am and the light has known to give me migraines. Grrr.

However my body loves to sleep between the hours of 7am to 1pm (or if anyone wants to text me in the morning. )

If I get at least a good five to nine hours, I write well.

Ideally I would love to go to bed 3am and wake up by 10am and write 12pm to 5pm, but my muses have different ideas.

I try to find just a few hours for myself.

Can’t I just have six hours for out time and 18 hours of active time?

I’m usually tired all of the time.

I have to thank whom ever made caffeine my best friend. I love coffee and my Pepsi.

Sigh.

Between PTSD and depression, I have not been happy.

I’ve tried sims, cooking and the rest of my content list. . .

1. Listening to music

2. Comfortably writing for hours

3. Soda pop

4. Shopping

5. Walking

6. Getting out or dinning out

7. Talking to friends

8. Cats

9. Watching funny TV

10. Going to the movies

I just can’t get or find happiness. Why?

Computer glitches grr

I keep getting computer glitches in which my blog entries are multipying. I’m sorry if you are getting 5, 10, or any other number by one. I think its due to sketchy internet. (I have very weak WiFi as I have to share with several other people.)

Please be patience and I hope those who are reading know I am trying to work on this.