“It’s my birthday. . .”

“And I’ll cry if I want to. . .”

I’m just in a really debunk depression that I cannot get out of. 

I hope to fake until I make it. . . 

And that that I at least get to write. 

Advertisements

Sleep issues: Sleep Apnea

It sucks. I have sleep apnea-it means that my throat does not open properly or let me inhale enough air. I snore hard and I gasp and choke from lack of oxygen.

Things that happen when you don’t get quality sleep. . .

  1.  Always exhausted
  2. Headaches 
  3. Blue lips from lack of oxygen
  4. Rings or begs under the eyes
  5. Dizzy
  6. Sick easier
  7. Hard to focus

All I want to do is to stay in bed and watch tv if Ican focus at all. It’s impossible to keep a steady job, which makes me feel like a failure and makes my depression higher. (Even now I forced myself out of bed, I’m fighting a headache, and I’m pushing myself to type.)

 I’ve tried so many things. . .

  1. Three or more pillows, helps to a point. 
  2. Fan
  3. Sleeping in a recliner
  4. Sleeping at different times a day

 I am currently in the process of fixing with my doctor over it. 

Sleep issues: Sleep Apnea

It sucks. I have sleep apnea-it means that my throat does not open properly or let me inhale enough air. I snore hard and I gasp and choke from lack of oxygen.

Things that happen when you don’t get quality sleep. . .

  1.  Always exhausted
  2. Headaches 
  3. Blue lips from lack of oxygen
  4. Rings or begs under the eyes
  5. Dizzy
  6. Sick easier
  7. Hard to focus

All I want to do is to stay in bed and watch tv if Ican focus at all. It’s impossible to keep a steady job, which makes me feel like a failure and makes my depression higher. (Even now I forced myself out of bed, I’m fighting a headache, and I’m pushing myself to type.)

 I’ve tried so many things. . .

  1. Three or more pillows, helps to a point. 
  2. Fan
  3. Sleeping in a recliner
  4. Sleeping at different times a day

 I am currently in the process of fixing with my doctor over it. 

Who I really am. 

  • ​I am a writer.

I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive. 

I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. (Http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com)

  • I am a foodie.

I love food. (Yes, I am a bigger lady, and I am watching my weight for health. However I will not deny a new or fun food experience. )

 I enjoy making food, cooking, baking, and going out. (When I got out, I usually try to order something, I usually I will not make at home.)

  • I am always learning.

I’m always researching for my writing. I’ve learned from life experience as well. 

I enjoy reading and finding out more about all kinds of things.

  • I am a bear. (Or a bulldog whatever is cuter.)

I am a very determined person. The loyal person. The type of person who would do whatever I had to.

 I may be sweet or cranky doing it, it depends on how people treat me. 

The dating game

I’m starting to think my dating life is like rounds of Mahjongg. You don’t know if when start the game if you are going to win, lose, have one, two or three stars. 

Sometimes the pairs are easy, like problems or events with the latest boyfriend. However there are harder pieces to find like the big fights that change how you see everything. 

What irks me is when the exact pieces are under each other and it’s like problems that cannot be fixed. Grrrrrr. 

Sometime you need to step away, scatter the pieces, if you are that lucky, or walk away for good from the mess. However what counts that you had a good time while you played. 

Health vs reality

Yesterday was a challenge to get out of bed.  I hate my life like that. I don’t need bitter, harsh people having me to jump into reality. . . They will piss me off and make me hug my pillows harder.

However I simply need someone excited about life and telling me “let’s take one step at a time.” I want them to tell me “getting out of bed is a baby step, help me with dinner, and then we’ll go shopping or watch a movie.”

I have goals and dreams. I have things I want to accomplish in my life. I feel I really need support getting there. . .

My health issues are not always visible. Last night out of nowhere, after several really good days, I was completely down and out. I felt like nothing had meaning. My writing had no value and I felt depressed and empty. I hate that deflated feeling. . . Like deflated balloon in a dried up mud puddle. 

Normally, I know my triggers, but I’m getting depressed without trigger. It’s starting to scare me.

I just want to get better. A site that helps me http://www.7cups.com/21800318

Baggage

I used to watch the game show called Baggage. Jerry Springer was the host. There was the main person, male or female which had a piece of extreme baggage. Then they get to see three or four of the wanted type of partner with their small, medium, and large baggage. 

It made me think what is my baggage. 

Small baggage: I’m very close to my family. I moved back in with them. (My ex didn’t want me to work, so when he passed away, I had nothing. I try to help support my family and they help and support me.)

Medium baggage: I am seeking someone to inspire me and support my writing career. 

Large baggage: I have health issues which encourages me to entrance more of a dominant life style. I am a dominant yet sensual mistress who loves control. I love chastity and other fetishes. I want a submissive boyfriend who wants me for who I am and supports me. 
Surprising baggage: I do not want kids, and I will not date those with kids. I rather have 2 to 3 cats. I helped raise my brothers and was forced into an education major, this burnt me out. I want adult fun, writing my book, like running around the house naked or have dinner parties or traveling more.  

Health issues. . . GRRR Vs ZZZZZ

Health wise . . . I have felt like I’ve been stuck upside on a rollercoaster. I mean I get a good energy day like the other day. . . I wrote over 4000 words, made dinner, help straighten the place up, made coffee, and helped with whatever anyone needed. Then all day yesterday I was drained. . . I could barely get out of bed.

I hate it when I over do myself on a high energy Why can’t I ever just have energy and get good sleep to do it again the next day? I mean on my draining days there are times even coffee doesn’t help.

One good day and I can be down for a day, a few days or even a week. When I am drain but up I get headaches and I feel like a zombie trying to focus. Grrr.

Between my zombie insomnia and my rough sleep apnea: a good night sleep is hard.

Why me? It makes it really hard to focus.

Sigh! Only Words

Warning: Adult Rating

I still like him alot—at least the version of the guy in my head.

It started out as two writers working on a few online stories together. Then we talked and shared personal stuff. Next we know the “L” word get passed over some texts. A few phone calls and lots of pictures. . .

Stress and problems share. . . words of hope.

Then nightmares and depression has me struggling to believe anything and makes me feel alone. My fear haunted me. . . that he catfished (as I have been before), that he is married, that he is not who he says he is.)-0-

We never met and the dark cloud in my head believes we well never meet and keep telling me to move on.

365 days of feelings, arguments, stories, chats. . . I enjoyed it all, but I wanted and needed and still WANT and NEED more.

I want to cuddle, kiss, make out, dance, have sex with lots of foreplay, sleep together, spooning, get have him see me be bashful and blush.

I guess the Fates feel we are just not ready for each other (yet if at all.)

I am not the type to handle a long timed– long distanced relationship with someone with similar problems as mine. Sigh.