Health issues. . . GRRR Vs ZZZZZ

Health wise . . . I have felt like I’ve been stuck upside on a rollercoaster. I mean I get a good energy day like the other day. . . I wrote over 4000 words, made dinner, help straighten the place up, made coffee, and helped with whatever anyone needed. Then all day yesterday I was drained. . . I could barely get out of bed.

I hate it when I over do myself on a high energy Why can’t I ever just have energy and get good sleep to do it again the next day? I mean on my draining days there are times even coffee doesn’t help.

One good day and I can be down for a day, a few days or even a week. When I am drain but up I get headaches and I feel like a zombie trying to focus. Grrr.

Between my zombie insomnia and my rough sleep apnea: a good night sleep is hard.

Why me? It makes it really hard to focus.

Sigh! Only Words

Warning: Adult Rating

I still like him alot—at least the version of the guy in my head.

It started out as two writers working on a few online stories together. Then we talked and shared personal stuff. Next we know the “L” word get passed over some texts. A few phone calls and lots of pictures. . .

Stress and problems share. . . words of hope.

Then nightmares and depression has me struggling to believe anything and makes me feel alone. My fear haunted me. . . that he catfished (as I have been before), that he is married, that he is not who he says he is.)-0-

We never met and the dark cloud in my head believes we well never meet and keep telling me to move on.

365 days of feelings, arguments, stories, chats. . . I enjoyed it all, but I wanted and needed and still WANT and NEED more.

I want to cuddle, kiss, make out, dance, have sex with lots of foreplay, sleep together, spooning, get have him see me be bashful and blush.

I guess the Fates feel we are just not ready for each other (yet if at all.)

I am not the type to handle a long timed– long distanced relationship with someone with similar problems as mine. Sigh.

Last 6 Months. . .

“Oh be aware the of Idles of March. . . (two days.)” <– I laugh at you.

 

The last six months have been crazy. . .

I know the weak would have not survived . . . .or at least locked themselves away for a lot less. . .

I have at least a dozen people that I have been there in my head that have kept me going in their own way. (Whether they were happy, worried or mad at me.)

I am very thankful for whatever they did. . . made me laugh, took me to a doctor, texted me, or just gave me a hug. . . even the smallest thing meant something to me.

I have no idea how I am going to return my appreciation to these people. . . they know who they are.

th

Okay. . . now to get to the drama. . .

It started in October-November when I just got overwhelmed. I got pushed with a baby, (not mine). . . it is an anxiety for me: I’m afraid of dropping an infant. I can handle a toddler a small for amount of time, until it starts crying and screaming, and then I want to go in a corner and cover my ears. It has to do with the fact that I was burnt out with kids at very early age. . . they pushed nursery, day care, early childhood education. . . I went to school to deal with kids, I came home to deal with kids, and I even dealt with kids at church. I had almost forgot what being an adult was like.

In November, I had nervous break down. I was told to find a therapist or lock myself away. I found a therapist and diagnosed with depression and anxiety. (The worst part is that my brain will not stop. . . I am constantly thinking about something. . . worrying, hoping, fearing etc. I feel trapped and suck in my own thoughts. I just want it stop for a while. )

I also felt I was being pushed away for Thanksgiving. . . I felt because I had my fit. . . like they watched what they did and said with me.

In December, I pissed off my father’s side of the family which is not what I meant to do, but I felt I NEEDED to help Tom. He had been through hell and back. . . I knew his last girlfriend wasn’t supportive, which was what I wanted out of Karma. (So be careful what you ask of Karma. . . it just might happen that way. It was not what I wanted. . . or at least didn’t feel as satisfying as I wanted it to be.)

However I was NOT looking to get back with Tom; in reality I just knew he needed help. To be honest, my heart was shattered and he had the hammer, so to speak. I called him dear out of habit; we had been together 8 years, and I am still working things out.

I would have communicated with my family if they didn’t make me feel like I just dealt with an AIDs victim and I was going to affect them. (I’m sorry I pissed them off, but they taught me if someone was in need to help them. I was supposed to help others. I had just wanted them to be proud at the fact that I was helping someone who needed it. . . I felt I was being the bigger person.)

I did a really good job. . . it wasn’t easy. I had to deal with cranky relatives, frustrated nurses, teams of doctors, and aides: everyone who wanted to do different things; I had to think to what was best for Tom. His medicine schedule was crazy: 6am, 9am, 1pm, 3pm, 6pm and 9pm . . . my birthday I was alone, Christmas and New Years I stayed in a hospital . . . that is the loneliness, most depressing place one could be during the holidays.

I felt horrible, because Tom asked me if he was going to get out of the hospital. . . I didn’t know what to really say . . . .so I told him to focus on one day at a time and use the main goal was get back home. I would have done more if I knew it would have never happened.

(What made me feel horrible was the bitter and threatening texts from people while I was nervously waiting during Tom’s unexpected surgery.)

In January, Tom was diagnosed with cancer that they believe started in the liver and had spread within days. He was off the vents, he was joking with his mother and I. . . then just two days later . . . he was just gone. Dealing with death has always been a roller-coaster for me. . . sometimes I am calm, cool while everyone else is sobbing, and then out of the blue I will hear a song or eat something and start crying because I think of him. (all I have to say is that eight years is a long time. He had just less than one-fourth of my life so far.)

January to now I have good friends who have supported me whether it be under their roof, or told a joke, or a hug. . . so I feel like I owe them so much. They have been there even with my depression and my anxiety. Now I feel like I am getting pass around. . . I have lost a piece of myself with Tom’s death. I also feel like an adventure, but my depression, anxiety, and worry still haunt my thoughts. . . (please calm down and let me sleep.)

happiness-is

Random Survey

Are you:
•single: Kind of. . . it’s comlicated and long distance
•scared of the dark: sometimes
•scared of heights: Yes
•scared of drowning: Yes
•scared of losing someone: Yes

Do you think:
•people talk about you behind your back:  Sometimes
•someone loves you (not including family):  Yes, it’s complicated
•someone hates you: yes
•felt lonely: YES
•cried your self to sleep: YES
•snuck out: No
•gone to sleep with your clothes on: Yes
•littered: …I try not to

Do you:
.like anyone: yes
•want a boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes, boyfriend
•have Ebola Hell No.
•like your life: For the most part
•wish you could change something from the past: A few
•have a bestfriend: Kind of
•want a new best friend: Sure
•like mustard: Yes
•have a phone: Yes, limited minutes

How many:
•siblings you got: 3 blood related, 4 pulled into the family
•tooth brushes you got: 2
•phone cases you got: 0, no cases
•fillings have you had: 5

Random stuff about me

Twenty-six things about me…

A- Age: 33

B- Biggest fear: being lone and not finishing my written projects

C- Current time: 1:04 am

D- Drink you last had: Yay coffee

E- Every day starts with: Coffee

F- Favorite song: Currently the soundtrack to Pitch Perfect

G- Ghosts, are they real?: Yes, I have sensed them.

H- Hometown: North Ridgeville, Ohio

I- In love with: Yes, there is someone new.

J- Jealous of: I try not to be .

K- Killed someone? Only within my writing, I mean I write vampires

L- Last time you cried? Maybe a week ago . . . stress

M- Middle name: Marie

N- Number of siblings: 3 brothers blood related and 3 brothers that got pulled into the family

O- One wish: To travel on book and lecture tour and all of my vampire books number 1 seller

P- Person you last called: Dad

Q- Question you’re always asked: Why?

R- Reason to smile: Chocolate, writing again, new guy in my life

S- Song last sang: Desperado by the eagles

T- Time you woke up: 08:00

U- Underwear color: Pink

V- Vacation destination: Europe

W- Worst habit: Putting things off

X- X-Rays you’ve had: Most of my left side, arm, ankle, foot, chest etc

Y- Your favorite food: Steak or fried chicken

Z- Zodiac sign: Sagittarius

I need to take better care of myself. . .

I have anxiety, depression, anemia, spleen and female issues. . .
I also need a lot of dental work done.
I had more tests and I feel a few answers.
Now I feel like the doctors are just pushing me off.
I have been trying to eat better, most of my soda-pop is diet.
I have been drinking more water and tea.
I have been losing weight. . . it’s been up and down 13 pounds.
I want to be healthy again and be able to get out and do some adventurous things.

What to do? What to do?

To-Do List This Weekend. . .

Clean out totes. . .

  1. Organize writings
  2. Go through diaries.
  3. Throw out what I do not need.
  4. Go through Books

Sweep Basement

Clean Kitty Litter

Feed Cats

Organize picture on my computer

Organize Flash Drive

Create Extra back ups

Work on diary

Draw and color for a while

Work on Blogs

  1. Writing Blog (3 entries)
  2. Webseries D. W. a G.
  3. Personal blog

Eat Lunch

Take meds

Dishes

Talk to my sweetie

 

Health issues: More than just a cough

I’ve had some serious health issues and lately they keep playing a roller coaster of unpredictability with me. Anyway I thought I had serious case of diabetes-I’ve been tired all of the time. I’m been sluggish lack of focus I snappy, emotional, drained, nauseated, constantly thirsty, dizzy, and frequent urination. All of these symptoms mixed with day to day errand and chores was crushing me

I got some blood work done to find out I am still boarder line diabetic. However my blood was low especially my red blood cells. Just over half what they are supposed to be. Sotho doctor gave me iron and vitamins they help but no one knows why my blood count is so low it could be female issues which is what I really believe. However I am still running more tests.

Some days I’m good and some days and I’m just plain exhausted. I hate sleeping for 12 plus hours, whether it 12 hours straight or 6 hours here, 2 hours here and 4 hours there. I want to sleep less and write more why won’t my body work with me?

 

I also have moments of depression and anxiety still . . . my stepmom just doesn’t stop from the moment she gets up to the moment she goes to bed. . . how the f*ck does she do it? The thing is I feel guilty when I cannot keep up with her, but my anemia barely lets me have a normal schedule. 9 times out of 10, if I am up but 9am, I am either napping until noon or I am out by 9pm. She gets up by 11am and doesn’t go to bed until 2am.
The snow has started to come in, and now everyone has colds. I can feel my body trying to fight, but I still get a running nose and sneezing. This pushes me back even more . . . I can write with a cold, but physical stuff is hard.