Day 2 of October Postive Challenge
https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/
5 Things That make me smile or happy
1. Writing for hours straight
2. Compliments about my writing
3. Getting paid for my writing, (see a pattern here)
4. Cooking or baking awesome food
5. Having and playing with cats
I go to a therapy site that has helped quite a bit http://www.7cups.com
I will admit if I could afford in would try a few of the therapist there and maybe a few new paths.
I’m on the free account and forums really help, the path and the listeners sometime help. However I usually get good feedback and encouragement on the forums.
On one of forums they have a monthly challenge for positivity and building yourself up.
I’m going to post my answers on their and here. I’m going to try daily.
“The challenge is over 31 days, each day presenting a new task, encouraging us to value ourselves and recognize our skills and qualities. The tasks include:”
Day 1, October 1: List 10 things that you love about yourself. (Physical or personality)
Day 2: List 5 things that make you smile or happy.
Day 3: What is one fear or goal that you would like to conquer?
Day 4: What do you do to feel better when you’re having a bad day?
Day 5: What’s your proudest accomplishment?
Day 6: What are some obstacles that are preventing you from accomplishing your goals? What will you do to overcome them?
Day 7: Do you think you care too much about what others think? If so how can you change that?
Day 8: What is a food you enjoy that makes you feel good?
Day 9: Do you have genuine respect for yourself and who you are as an individual? And if not, how can you change that?
Day 10: Are you happy with your “inner person”? If so, why or why not?
Day 11: Is your self-talk negative or positive? If it is negative, what are some more positive ways to talk to yourself?
Day 12: What’s the last thing you did that made you feel proud of yourself? Why did it make you feel this way?
Day 13: Share about the last time you felt confident in yourself. Why did you feel that confident?
Day 14: Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so, who and why?
Day 15: Do you like your personal appearance? If so, why? If not, what are some ways you could view yourself differently?
Day 16: Do you have makeup, clothing or an accessory that makes you feel positive about yourself? If so what is it, and how does it make you feel positive?
Day 17: What do you do to feel calmer when you’re stressed?
Day 18: Do you like the way you talk? If so, why? If not, how can you view it more positively?
Day 19: Do you have an activity that makes you feel alive and good within yourself?
Day 20: Has your self-esteem improved with doing this challenge so far during the month? If so, how? If not, why not?
Day 21: Name at least 5 things that you are good at.
Day 22: Which of your skills or abilities to you pride yourself on?
Day 23: What is your ideal outcome of this challenge?
Day 24: Do you compare yourself to others? How can you be more focused on yourself?
Day 25: If you met a person that was just like you, would you like them? If so, why? If not, how could you view the person more positively?
Day 26: When was the last time you were too hard on yourself? What do you think you could have done to treat and comfort yourself instead?
Day 27: What is the main barrier to you having positive self-esteem? How can you break free from it?
Day 28: What do you consider to be healthy self-esteem? Does this match the dictionary definition of healthy self-esteem?
Day 29: What do you think of your teeth and your smile? Do you like them and if so, why? If not, how can you view them more positively?
Day 30: Validation is important to our self-esteem. Do others encourage you? If not, what are some ways that you can ask them to so your self-esteem is improved?
Day 31: Rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1-10? Has your self-esteem improved?
Note: All of the credit goes to http://www.7cups.com
I final my spirituality in many things. . .especially art, music, and outdoors. (The are elements I do not like about outdoors like the bees and insects.) However I love to walk in the fall with my mp3 player and just focus on what God/Godess has created. (I get more into the God/Goddess issues on my spiritual blog http://spiritualbeck.wordpress.com/ )
I have many playlists and I have a worship playlist. . . In which I get caught up comtempary Christian, and other motivating and touching songs. I love when I have my headset on and I’m just into the music completely undisturbed. (It has helped my anxious and blue moods at times.)
I spiritual in most thing such as art. I love abstract art.
I love food and it can be a satisfying and spiritual experience.
Again I post my spiritual moments, beliefs, and such in my spiritual blog.
I do not want kids. I like sleeping in. I like going out. I like to write without “butthead is hitting me.” “He called me a butthead”
Please do not tell me that you’ll spoil me and only me, but secretly leave your kids hanging. (If you are a kid person, please do not have more than you can afford. Please don’t make you or them struggle for food or a roof over your head.)
I’m not mean to be mom or a step mom, and I do not want to be. I’ve learned the “I love your dad and I want us to be friends. . . It is very tricky.
(I also don’t go to the bar or other locations and take any random guy home. I am dominant, monogamous, demisexual, saphiosexual, and grey sexual. This means I’m seeking a smart, submissive boyfriend for a female led relationship possible marriage. I’m seeking more of the relationship than the sex. The grey sexual part means I’m picky in who I am attracted to. I have health issues, in which I cannot physically enjoy sex. So it’s really going to take someone over special to not want kids or sex.)
Currently, I’m seeking friends, around my age, but preferably those without kids. . . It’s not your fault or your kids fault, but I’m going down a path with no kids in it. This is a very rare find, I know. ( I write about ghosts, vampires, violence, and sex . . . Mature audiences only.)
I just want to enjoy a night without a call from the babysitter or without the million stories of how Jr walked early or how he looks like the mail man which he has cussed out.
If you have kids, please seek someone else. I think you should find those with kids too, so you can plan fun dates with and without your kids. (Just a suggestion. . . )
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I was not always against kids, but I got burnt out in college. (When my last obygn told me that I have like a less than a 5% chance of having a healthy, complete pregnancy, I knew kids are not in my cards.)
My first story that freaked me out with infant was when I changed my brother. I was 12 and my stepmother was going to Wal-Mart, she was only going to be gone 20 minutes, but of course during that time my brother decided to mess in his diaper. He was about 6 months, the age where they roll and crawl. I found the last diaper, put it on the couch, put him on the couch, but I lost the baby wipes. . . Grrr. I was looking for the damn wipes. I found them, he was only rocking back and forth, but still on the couch.
I took off his dirty diaper and clean up but then the clean diaper was gone. I moved him, but it was not under him. I put him back on the couch as I look behind the couch I heard a splat and the a shrieking cry. My baby brother had rolled off the couch on to the hard wooden floor. I grab the baby and the diaper on the floor as it was under the couch.
I put him on the couch, and checked him head to toe. . . There were no bumps, no bruises. He was okay. I’m freaking out still which was why he was still crying. I put his diaper on him and tried to call him down.
Once she got home, I told my stepmother who checks him over and give me a mixture of laughter, yelling, lecturing me (as if she was communicating me with different personalities, I felt like I was talking to Glenda the good witch, the wicked witch, and a mama dragon.) Then my stepmother said “I’m telling your father.” I’m freaking out crying in the shower thinking I’m going to get grounded because I am not responsible, because my stepmother is going to make it sound that I wanted to hurt my baby brother. . . In reality it was just accident.
I told my dad when he got home, he looked over my brother, and just said “be more careful next time.”
(It didn’t help that I had just hit by a car months before this incident.
I can’t hold a baby or change a baby under a year without freaking out in fear I’ll hurt that one too. I’m too nervous, scared, and anxious that I’m accidently going to hurt anyone else’s kid.
I dont know how I managed to take care of my youngest brother, but from the moment I got my first drivers tempts I blocked out from the years 15 and half to almost 18.)
My younger brothers were usually well-behaved boys who knew their “pleases” and “thank yous.” (I liked to think my walks and cars and cookies bribes were teaching in that.)
If I just had my brothers after school, I would probably still want kids, especially like them.
However, I would have help with breakfast, mornings (I’m not a morning person), when I got home school, and if I didn’t have to work. My average school day, get up, help make boys breakfast, eat breakfast, get them dressed, go to school, get home, watch the boys, try to get homework done, make dinner, eat, bath boys, shower, finish homework, sleep repeat. (I rarely had time to myself or with my friends. . . All because my stepmother had back and depression problems that mixed with a biological clock.)
My dad pushed the education major so when I had ear problems and couldn’t finish my music major, so I logically switched. I was good with my brothers, so I thought I would be good with kids. I’m not sure what precalculas had to do with teaching junior high math. . . But I was first Math and English teacher. . . I got a multi-varible calculas professor trying to teach me as if I know what kind of math that was. . . So I changed to early education. . . At the time I was volunteering for my brother’s elementary class. His classmates were all sweet and most were very helpful. I did enjoy it, but I don’t know if I could emotionally handle getting attached to kids for a year and them having to let them go.
At the time, I would voluteer once a month for nursery at the church, the toddler side, not infant side. My stepmother got sick one week so I took her week (as parents who use it are supposed to volunteer once every six weeks in order to allow everyone to attend service.) Then my stepmother started to volunteer me for her friends to, saying it looked good on my educational resume. However this happened for over seven months in which I never got to go to service. (My dad finally caught on and made sure I stopped volunteering as I was getting taken advantaged of.)
At the time, I was taking early education courses only to find out as soon as I finished them the main college said everything I learned was out of date and they had newer lessons and I were to repeat three of my courses in order to keep early childhood education major. However I was not to get any refunds or credits for previous classes. I had not been out with anyone my age for months and burned, I had a break down. I changed my major to English as if too me 6 years to get a basic Associate of Arts.
I have been diagnosed with high anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and PTSD. . . I do not want that around kids.
I rather just have cats, maybe a dog or two, but that is another blog.
I learned babysitting with one than one kid is good birth control.
I learned I will always goid to Hell and back for anyone of my siblings.
I posted a simple version of this on my therapy site 7 cups.
I’ve been to 2 therapists, one kept pushing a job, but I have energy issues.the second one kept saying most are my issues are hormonal.
My main thoughts in no particular order. . .
1. Are the different pieces of my family ok? My mom has her health issues. My dad side of he family still not talking to me. . . But I still think of them. My closest brother has health issues (but sometimes, I think he does better than me.). My one brother just got married and other just graduated with many options ahead for him. I have a very young sister, so young she could easily be my own daughter and yet, I haven’t gotten to bond with her. I rather play with the toddler than the infant. I have a sister-in-law who I wish I so could chat with more, but it all just turns into he-said, he-said drama.
2. When can we have our own space (My family and I?) (My mom, brother and uncle live in a very tight space, and it’s very crowded and not as fun as like the show “My Name is Earl.) I would just like my own desk, working computer, WiFi, and recliner to sleep in.
3. I can’t work, and a few doctors will write notes, but government facilities will not count it. (Stupid president killed that.) I can’t work, I can’t sleep right: I go to bed tired, I wake up tired. No one wants me to use those 5 hour vitamins shots, but it’s the only way I can function for errands.
4. I can’t lose weight due to hormones I’m taking and bad sleep issues. The body needs to be balanced and get right sleep in order to function correctly. I lose 5 pounds, but gain ten in water weight. I’m going to scream if I get more doctor thinking all of my health problems are based on me being overweight. I can’t work so I can’t buy decent groceries. Because of weight I feel I’m ugly and not worthy. . . My doctors or media do not help my self esteem.
5. I can go from sweet and caring to bitter and mean. I’m also losing the propper, politeness filter of saying things especially when I’m flustered. My family know I’m bruntly honest, and I try to watch for other’s feelings, but they call me the bear, because I can snap and growl for no reason. I’m afraid to date because it’s bad to snap for no reason in the middle of a date. I don’t know all of my triggers. I know it’s hormonal, and my doctors don’t seem to care.
6. My energy versus my “luck” versus my writing. I love to write, but my lights and computers keep breaking. . . I feel like fates are against me writing, why God/Goddess, why? Writing helps me release and express myself. I’m borrowing the third desk light from a neighbor. I have two computers: one broke in which wires are exposed, my other computer’s fan is broken and charger over heats. I’m using my mom tablet to write this because my tablet needs to be plugged in at all times and tries to run every program at once. (Even when I have them turned off, it’s like if my Wi-Fi is on, it tries to override my controls.)
7. Why can’t I have a cat? Cats help my anxiety, especially petting them when they purr. The current land lady doesn’t even want us feeding the old stray, friendly mama cat.
8. Where can I advertise my blogs? I feel I do not have enough readers and fans, but I feel Facebook pushes it too much.
https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/
9. Why am in pain at least 5 days out of week? Headaches, pelvic pains, sinus pains, back pains, hip pain. . . Cramping when it’s not even my lady time. WTH? What is wrong with me? (I will let the doctors do their tests, but they can’t say it’s my weight.) I feel I get passed from doctor to doctor (as if they don’t want me) leaving me with more questions than any solutions. . .
10. I am so easily distracted. I can’t mediate or focus without someone or something pulling away my attention, especially during the day. So I try to write between the hours of 11pm to 3am, sometimes later, but I have to have a day schedule on at least Friday’s and any day I have a doctor appointment.
11. I’m lonely. I am not sure why all my so-called friends left me once my ex died. Were they only his friends, and I was just along for the ride? If it wasnt for me, they wouldn’t have hung out as much. I rather have a bunch of friends that hug me (and sometimes understands me,) than a random boyfriend who will just cheat on me when he realize with my health issues I cannot give him physical intimacy.
12. Can, I please win the Mega millions jackpot? I mean. . .May I please win the Mega millions jackpot? God/Goddess, you know 66% (2/3rds) will go to help others just like we agreed. I need a place to call home again, preferable our old land with a new house on it. You know if I had the choice right now. . . I would choose money over love. (I had love with Tom, and now it’s my time to work on me and help others. PLEASE. Today, I am buying a lottery ticket, may it have the six winning lottery numbers on it, again, please.).
13. I’m tired of the constant depressed and anxious feelings. . . That instant feeling of doom just around the corner. I hate how I am instantly sad like I want to cry but no reason why. . . Or I snap without warning. Who would want a friend who can bite your head off figuratively speaking?
There are more problems but these are the main issues that constantly boil in my head . . . It’s hard to sleep when my mind doesn’t stop. Maybe since I vented, I can sleep better. . . We’ll see.
Now you may go back to regular scheduled program. . . Lol.
Why am I analyzing myself with the questionnaire questions and articles from Eharmony?
Note: for those who do not know Eharmony is a Christian online date site which uses many questions to figure out your just right partner if they have that person online too.
So why am I doing this (especially when I failed their questionaire twice and was kicked off the site once when I said I thought I was bi-curious.)
First, I I usually overanalyze most things and dating is not different. Some things I’ve overanalyzed, I’ve gotten right and other things I’ve learned from.
Second, I’m not doing this to date (yet), but I hope to learn more about myself. (If I find friends who get me or maybe Mr. Right-for-me, then awesome. I’m here to learn first.)
Third, I really love answering questions and talking surveys and quizzes about myself.
My mom used to tell that . . . “Opposite attract.” That might be right in science, but mom and dad were opposites and they didn’t last. (Its also probably why I argue with myself too. J/k lol.)
I think for partners, there needs some similarities and some differences to keep things interesting p. As long as they keep communication open and honest, that is what is most important.
I need to know myself and get my “stuff” together before I can get someone else involved in the chaotic fun that is me. Lol.
First of I am a bbw. . .Big Beautiful Woman. I am not a model or superstar. I am a writer who loves to cook, bake, cats, cuddle, and movies.
Secondly, I consider myself a D.U.F.F . . . most peoples designated ugly fat friend. . . I’m not ugly, but my truthful words can be. I rarely drink (its over a year) so I’m the sober friend that will tell you exactly how it is and most people are afraid to face it. (This one guy asked me why did he kept getting cheated on. . . he had a nice job and he was a too trusting guy. . the mean girls made him feel sexy, but they just used him for flirty money or a ride while they fuck a bad boys. I told him, they see a nice and they will use him. I also told him that he needed to find a nice yet creative girl; someone who likes to roleplay so she could pretend to be the mean girl. . .last I heard he was married 5 years now with two kids.)
I was in a relationship with a creative geek, and I’m seeking another, locally. Someone totally into me and can calm me down when I get anxious and nervous. Someone who let’s me call the shots, but I still feel safe with.
I’ve tried plenty of fish, match, Eharmony, OkCupid etc.
Okcupid— If I didn’t mention something sexual, my profile barely got looked at. I’ve dealt with drunken horn-dogs and forgeign guys asking me to marry them for visas. The owners of this site did get better with finding those and created selective searches which helped. However the horn-dogs are still on their.
Match— its nice for the first 5 days while you have a platinum trial, but after then, its like they push to buy silver pack or gold pack you need to see more like if Joe B. likes you. I’ve seen sites say you have three admirers, but you must pay in order to see them. When did love cost so much? Isn’t greedy to put a price on your heart? I guess love really is a luxury. If I had 29.95 per month, I wouldn’t put it on a “what if Joe B.gets my four line email.”. . . I can put it on groceries, a pet, gas, bills, movies, save for a vacation etc.
Craig’s list— I did try this a few times. I met one guy and found a lot of horny catfish. The one guy complained about everything, but he could have whatever he wanted. . . but nothing made him happy. I hope he finds happiness. (Note: there was too many illegal things going on with the sex trade, so they closed their personals.)
Plenty of fish were full of the wannabe busy bad boy who just wanted a good time instead of a relationship. I probably sent 6 dozen messages, but I rarely got a message back. When I did, I got called names like pig, cow, fuggly bitch etc. Or I would get messages from married men wanting a secret relationship or I even caught a few catfish. (They complain that their wives or girlfriends didn’t want sex since the baby was born, but I never those guys helping their partner take care of the kids or get a family member to watch while they a nice hotel for relaxation and rest. Pamper and romance your girls, damnit!)
Eharmony— I failed their test twice. They claim that only happens to like 7% but I think its more. I read this article, and its happened more than not. . .
“How Do You Get Rejected By Eharmony? Start By Telling the Truth.”
Susan Isaacs
http://storylineblog.com/2013/08/07/how-do-you-get-rejected-by-eharmony-start-by-telling-the-truth/
Eharmony christian robots are a very small group.
(Note: I’ve tried other Christian sites, and as much as I believe in Jesus Christ, I have many other beliefs which clash with many beliefs of the stricter Christian churches. For example, I believe in women dominants as much as men, and that charity is like pass it forward, help those in need, you don’t just have to work through a Church for it to count. Jesus did most of his ministry in the streets. So Christian sites don’t work for me. I will post a future blog getting more into this.)
However Eharmony and this lovely lady’s article inspired me.
Eharmony used to ask like 100-200 questions in 24-25 different sections of your daily life. . . I researched this, and I will explain on this sections and such throughout the month of August.
I got rejected twice so this way I can still get my answers out.
Please do not think, I am telling not to try online dating, but it has been more frustrating than hopeful for me.
This is strictly coming a bigger set female hopeful to find other people in the world who understand her. I’m not even seeking love at the moment.
As mentioned in my previous blog, I discovered a difference in being alone and be lonely.
Last month I made a release book. . . (I bought a cheap composition notebook, and I released everything. . . my hopes, dreams, fears, heartache, worries. . . then I reread it and ripped it to shreds. Normally I would burn it, but my current living situation will not allow that.) I felt lighter, but I learned about myself in the process.
With it, I deleted accounts that were wasting my life like plentyoffish or other personals. I kept getting the same horny guy or a guy to ask advice for another girl or the catfish (yes, I’ve caught my share, sigh.)
I have learned I need to love me first. I started working on my novel again.
I’m content writing in my own world.
The world feels so open and amazing.
After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.
I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)
However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.
I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.
I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.
Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.
I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.
I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.
Things I’ve been up to. . .
I’ve been busy. I always try to stay busy.
In my head 