Our internet has been shotty at best this week and it has fried my nerves. Grrrr.
Over the weekend we a few hours where internet worked but these last five days the internet cannot get through. . . grrr.
Do NOT advertise you have free WiFi if you don’t.
I am writing this August 7th into 8th.
I use WiFi for blogging, communication, research, and therapy. I need WiFi. This is driving me crazy.
As mentioned in my previous blog, I discovered a difference in being alone and be lonely.
Last month I made a release book. . . (I bought a cheap composition notebook, and I released everything. . . my hopes, dreams, fears, heartache, worries. . . then I reread it and ripped it to shreds. Normally I would burn it, but my current living situation will not allow that.) I felt lighter, but I learned about myself in the process.
With it, I deleted accounts that were wasting my life like plentyoffish or other personals. I kept getting the same horny guy or a guy to ask advice for another girl or the catfish (yes, I’ve caught my share, sigh.)
I have learned I need to love me first. I started working on my novel again.
I’m content writing in my own world.
The world feels so open and amazing.
I posted no smoking on my personals. In fact, smoking partners is a deal breaker.
I do not want to kiss ashtrays.
The last guy I was with was a smoker, and I couldn’t kiss him when he come home from work.
Gum does not hide the smoky taste or smell.
I am lonely, but no enough to give up my sensitive lungs to a smoker.
I will not tell someone to stop their bad habit, because that leaves them to tell me to stop mine (saying I`m sorry for nothing, stalling, and soda. I’m sure there are others bad habits too. I’m not perfect.)
It’s crazy those since posting “I do not want smokers,” I`ve gotten replies from 6 different guys who all smoke. Either they didn’t read my profile or simply don’t care what or whom I want.
What does deal breaker mean, people? I means I do NOT want to date smokers. Please move on.
I know at four doctors I need to schedule in. . . Maybe four if I need a specialist for my hands. ( They keep swelling, and my joints hurt. It hurts sometimes to hold a pen or fork.)
I’m doing camp Nano but I’m only giving myself a word count of 30,000 for my main goal. It’s only 1k per day. I thinkmi can type that. I did 35,000 both last August and November. I how to write a book of short stories. I talk more about it in my writers blog. . . Rebekah Quinne
I also hope to walk at least three times a week. I want to get in better shape and get more energy. I’m hoping to sleep better from it and get more focus.
The thing is I’m doing this for me. I’ve learned that I need to focus on myself and heal myself before I can help others.
After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.
I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)
However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.
I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.
I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.
Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.
I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.
I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.
My sleep schedules are really off. . .
If I fall asleep between 7 pm and 9pm will be up by the latest 2am and my schedule is completely off.
Then I usually write 2am until 8 am and the light has known to give me migraines. Grrr.
However my body loves to sleep between the hours of 7am to 1pm (or if anyone wants to text me in the morning. )
If I get at least a good five to nine hours, I write well.
Ideally I would love to go to bed 3am and wake up by 10am and write 12pm to 5pm, but my muses have different ideas.
I try to find just a few hours for myself.
Can’t I just have six hours for out time and 18 hours of active time?
I’m usually tired all of the time.
I have to thank whom ever made caffeine my best friend. I love coffee and my Pepsi.
Ironic this writing assignment is over a week late to deadline (anniversary of Toms death January 13th.) The irony is that it was usually Tom nagging me, pushing me to finish my writing on time. Another ironic thing is Interview with a Vampire is playing in the background. Tom’s favorite movie.
Tom’s Dream Funeral
I lived with Tom for 8 years. . . I like to believe you get to know someone really well in 8 years.
As lovely and simple as the real funeral was . . . it was not what Tom would have wanted. He told first of all, he wanted to be biodiamonds. He wanted to be made into jewelry for those closest to him. I would have requested a ring for my middle finger on right hand. The right hand is my dominant and he taught me to say “fuck it” sometimes.
I think it would be in the woods with candles, latter’s and huge bonfire. We have a fake body in which we burn while celebrating him moving into a different realm. We drink, eat, listen to his favorite classic rock music. We sit around the fire and tell stories of him.
What I miss the most, I’ll never find anyone as passionate as he was. He bold, daring, loud, and rambunctious. There was rarely a dull moment with him. Whether it was him yelling at TV over wrestling or football or passionate reciting Lestat quotes from Anne Rice.
I also think I never got to appreciate the way he should have been. He taught me so much about love, hope, dreams, support, and passionate. I hope he knows he will always be remembered for his liveliness.
Tom had many hobbies he was passionate about. . .
1. He always loved wrestling. Ever time I liked a wrestler, they ended up hurt. He liked how I would yell at the TV.
2. He loved video games. He played a lit skyrim and diablo.
3. He loved playing Dungeons and Dragons 3.5.
4. He also got me into football. We were Browns first. Then I went Saints and he was into Titans.
I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot.
I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot.
In my head 