My Bad Habits

My Bad Habits

1. “I’m sorry.” I will say it even if I did nothing wrong. If the situation is wrong or bad. “I’m sorry.” Are the few words that come out of my mouth as if it’s my fault, it rained or that hot woman didn’t like you. It’s a bad force of the habit. I am the oldest of my siblings… and if something went wrong … it was my instant go to.
However I will not simply accept “I’m sorry,” or flower (I prefer candy or notebooks and pens.) for an apology especially if a person does not tell me what they are sorry about.

2. Over thinking… I question everything and if I have to rethink my questions and ideas … I wonder if my original ideas were right or wrong… I have talked myself out dates, meeting people, new experiences, jobs, writing projects. Please do NOT make me rethink my ideas.
I try myself to follow my hunches (gut), hearts, and then head… in that order.

3. I’m too soft. I feel I give in to easily, because I do not want to be alone. I have done stuff or meet people that I know don’t fit just because I want to get out. I need to stop this.

4. I keep blaming my health. I got dealt a weird and weak hand with life. I have to stop blaming myself for bad health and get creative. My health can impact my moodiness. I really need to stop hiding behind my health problems.

5. I can be lazy. I can write for hours or walk over a mile but I hate to clean. I simply blame my laziness. My laziness can talk me out of doing things… it’s hard to motivate myself when I simply do not want to do something.

6. I love food, and it can be a weakness such as going to my favorite restaurant. I love to cook, bake, and having nice dinner parties (nothing fancy just friends, food, games and movies.) It is a weakness to me, and lately it’s one of my only motivation which is sad.

I need to face my weaknesses

  • Food and shopping. (I love shopping whether it’s for fun or I have a list and goals.)
  • Feeling guilty after bitchiness even someone deserves it. (I should only feel guilty if the person did not purposely push my buttons.)
  • Loneliness vs being semi-social. (I have to understand not everyone has such an open schedule like I do. However there are time where I am simply tired, focused, or just too drained than to talked to people.)
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My self-care basket

Things in My basket for a bad day

  • Self care basket
  • Chocolate brownies or cake
  • Pretzels
  • Pepsi
  • Coffee with flavored creamers
  • Dial shower gel (I love the feel and smell.)
  • Notebooks
  • Color pens
  • A book with a good twist
  • Pillows
  • Movies: comedies and chick flicks
  • My tablet with my personal play list (music)
  • Headset

I never had someone love my food so much.

Tom would get excited over whatever I made whether it was grilled cheese with tomato soup or super chocolate cake. He loved my desserts. . .

I made him a five layer cake for one birthday.

I made my own fontant. 

This was the leftover Halloween candy cake.

My family recipe pineapple upside down cake. 

A Healthy Balance

My health is like balancing on a high wire. 

Yesterday I had low blood sugar spell. . . tired, sore, cranky. 

It was 72. I had a few sugar cubes and it went  up to 138 and 150. I work my best at 120. However I have no figured how to balance it just well yet. 

However I love my soda, chocolate, and coffee. 

Just don’t want my damn diabetes to destroy my love of food. 

“It’s my birthday. . .”

“And I’ll cry if I want to. . .”

I’m just in a really debunk depression that I cannot get out of. 

I hope to fake until I make it. . . 

And that that I at least get to write. 

My bday . . . Why bother?

My birthday is Wednesday and I know it sounds like a bad lifetime movie, but after the year I had, I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday. 

However I met a guy just before Halloween, and it was nice and exciting at first. . . 

 But then I realize he was not the same guy. . . It was like he split personality. . .  Fun Tigger, which as time went on I rarely saw and wanted to complaining Eeyore. I have my own issues of depression, anxiety, and pstd which I’ve been holding back because I been trying to help him, but whatever I say rarely matters, because once he stops complaining over one thing, he’ll easily find another. 

We agreed to just be friends. I have this feeling his next thing he’ll complain on is my birthday. He was the one who promised me to take me and such. . . I never asked for it

I’m just not looking forward to my birthday and it sucks. 

I mean a nice dinner but with a complaining Eeyore, SIGH.