November all for me. 

I am not a selfish person, but next month is all about me. I am working on my writing and hopefully myself. 

My goal is in 2018 to move forward and away from my past.

I have two projects. . .  (Each project is 50,000 in 30 days)

  1. Finishing the The Broken Path 50,000 plus. 
  2. Working on the ghost stories for the Broken Path.

    I hope to figure myself out and do something for me, write. 

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    Rolls eyes

    I suck. . .

    At playing it cool.

    I bite my tongue when he asks if I am ok as I am afraid I would chase him away with everything in my head. He doesn’t want to hear my true feelings, he barely texts he misses me. 

    He doesn’t want to hear that I am freaking out because I feel like he rather be somewhere else 9 times out 10 we text. Or that I’m freaking out because I do not feel I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, quiet enough, strict/dominant enough.  . . He wants to me to demand him what to do, how to do it and simply be happy with that. 

    He is out bettering himself. I cannot even get up to get a can of soda. I made dinner, but didn’t finish my fantasy football list. I feel completely deflated and not worthy.

    I cannot sleep.

    My mind will not stop.

    All I do is freak out.

    I’m loud and cannot play it cool. 

    What is wrong with me?

    Therapy exercise

    I was asked “Where do I see myself in a year?” 

    This year, from Sept (2016) to Sept (2017), I’ve learned that so much can change in the year. 

    • By next Sept (2018), I hope to have my thriller novella trilogy being sold in real book stores. 
    • I also hope to help my mom and brother have their own place with two cats.
    • I hope I am with a great guy who gets me, but that is icing on the cake. 

    My goal is to put my past behind me and build my confidence. 

    Where do I see myself in 5 years?”

    (When I was in therapy, I had said I wanted to be with a guy, I found out was a catfish.) I realize I need  to focus on me. 

    • I hope to be on book tours and lectures and selling my books.
    • I hope my family is taken care of.
    • I hope to be with someone, but again it is icing on the cake. 

    I try to focus a day at a time, not to look at the future. I get anxious thinking about it. 

     

    The things I really need to hear

    1. Enjoy today

    2. Nothing that you worry about will matter a year or five years from now

    3. If they don’t appreciate you for you are, it’s not worth it.

    4. Keep writing, you are really good at it. You will be successful. 

    5. I love when you are happy. 

    6. You are beautiful or sexy. 

    7. Smile more

    8. Sing, dance, color, it’s fun.

    9. Enjoy what life has to give you.

    10. It will be okay. 

    Baggage

    I used to watch the game show called Baggage. Jerry Springer was the host. There was the main person, male or female which had a piece of extreme baggage. Then they get to see three or four of the wanted type of partner with their small, medium, and large baggage. 

    It made me think what is my baggage. 

    Small baggage: I’m very close to my family. I moved back in with them. (My ex didn’t want me to work, so when he passed away, I had nothing. I try to help support my family and they help and support me.)

    Medium baggage: I am seeking someone to inspire me and support my writing career. 

    Large baggage: I have health issues which encourages me to entrance more of a dominant life style. I am a dominant yet sensual mistress who loves control. I love chastity and other fetishes. I want a submissive boyfriend who wants me for who I am and supports me. 
    Surprising baggage: I do not want kids, and I will not date those with kids. I rather have 2 to 3 cats. I helped raise my brothers and was forced into an education major, this burnt me out. I want adult fun, writing my book, like running around the house naked or have dinner parties or traveling more.  

    Ideal day

    My ideal day would be

    8:30 Wakes up after hitting snooze twice. Get breakfast with coffee

    9:00 Works out on indoor bike

    9:30 Shower

    9:45 Lotion, priming body

    10:00 Checking email, research and notes or outlines for writing or errands

    12:00 lunch

    12:30 writing my blogs, novels

    4:30 make dinner, or errands 

    6:30 have dinner and clean up. 

    7:00  Be with family or boyfriend before bed, TV, games etc

    11:30  Research, read, and relax before bed, maybe a bath

    1:30 go to bed. 

    Smack the back of my head. My gut is always right.

    Grrrrrr. I did it again. I ignored my gut feeling. 

    My problem as a writer: I love words, and I love reading the right words. There are people out there all wrong for me, but can say just right thing at the perfect time. It catches you in the back of your mind and makes you have a war with that gut feeling saying it’s not right. 

    My gut is not judgemental, it just knows what is truly best for me. I need to listen to it more. 

    I want that situation in my life that is 90% too good to be true, usually it is. Sigh. 

    The encouraging words is one of my Achilles heel. It makes me feel wronged when the words are empty. Because at this point in my life all I have our my words. So I try to fill them with hope, faith, and truth. I just wish others would at least be honest. 

    Pieces 

    I’m in pieces right now. 

    My soul is holding the broken, bloody pieces of my heart.
    I’ve been trying to clean and put each piece back together,
    but it has been a process.

    I feel empty and alone
    A shell of what I used to be
    Maybe it’s good
    Maybe I need to clean it out
    To make room for new.

    I mustfight through
    Clean out
    Smile and. . .
    Move on.

    Take the pieces of me
    And make someone new. 
    (c) Rebekah Quinne 2017

    Waiting. Eh. 

    I’m stupid. 

    I’m wasting time. 

    I’m wasting life.

    I’m waiting

    I’m waiting on someone who has his own life. 

    I’m  wasting my own time waiting on someone that if I am lucky may give me 20 minutes of his time. I am way worth more than 20 minutes. 

    I need to stop waiting on someone who is too busy for me. 

    I need to work on my own life.

    I need to get myself and my computer fixed.

    I need to focus on my writing. 

    I need to love myself. 

    I am so much better than this.