Waiting. Eh. 

I’m stupid. 

I’m wasting time. 

I’m wasting life.

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on someone who has his own life. 

I’m  wasting my own time waiting on someone that if I am lucky may give me 20 minutes of his time. I am way worth more than 20 minutes. 

I need to stop waiting on someone who is too busy for me. 

I need to work on my own life.

I need to get myself and my computer fixed.

I need to focus on my writing. 

I need to love myself. 

I am so much better than this. 

Weekend plans

I plan to play my brother’s ff rpg. (It’s a dice and fantasy game). 

I also plan to cook, work on some blogs and short stories  (Not sure what genre yet). 

I’m also watching catfish, I’m obsessed with that show. I do a lot of chatting and online flirting, so I’m always cautious. 
I had a stressful day yesterday I had issues with insurance. I hope next week to get it worked out. Meanwhile I have to hold off on all my doctors and meds. I have some to hold me off, but it really freaked me out. 

I’ve had a few people (besides family) who really helped me out yesterday and I’m very thankful for that. I’ve learned it’s one day at a time with my depression. Each day is a hill, and I got over yesterday. The weekend is hopefully just going to be relaxing.

Things That Make Me Happy

Things that make me happy

  1. Getting an a long e-mail
  2. Baking
  3. Cooking
  4. Good Sex with lots of foreplay
  5. Hours of unbothered writing
  6. Writing 10,000 words in a day
  7. Finishing (reading) a good book
  8. A story with a good twist
  9. Not being able to predict something
  10. Soda-pop
  11. Going out
  12. Helping others
  13. Making others happy
  14. Cats
  15. Cuddling with someone nice during a movie
  16. Kissing and making out
  17. Getting actual mail: letters and package
  18. Bubble bath
  19. Having energy
  20. A nice walk
  21. Lots of pillows and comfy bed
  22. Good night sleep
  23. Talking all night
  24. Going to the zoo
  25. Sailing
  26. Swimming
  27. Good Morning Greeting
  28. Spooning: I like the inner spoon
  29. Flirting
  30. A good tone male hairless chest
  31. A fit six pack ab
  32. Bright blue or blue-green eyes
  33. A nice smile
  34. Hair on the a guy’s head that I can run my hand through
  35. A night of card or board games with friends

What I want for 2017

Personal Goals for 2017

  1. I want to walk more. (At least three walks a week or several rounds on the stairs.)
  2. I want to lose weight. (80 pounds. . . ultimate goal.)
  3. I want to be more active.
  4. I want to stretch more. (No charlie horses.)
  5. I want to learn some basic yoga and be more physically flexible.
  6. I want my tight clothes to be looser.
  7. I want to lower my diabetes numbers.
  8. I want to try more recipes.
  9. I want to control my binge eating. I want to eat smaller sizes.
  10. I want to eat better.
  11. I want to get into the habit of three meals a day.
  12. I want to paint more.
  13. I want to read more.
  14. I want to save a little money.
  15. I want to meet my “wolfie.” He knows who he is.
  16. I want to deal, maybe even cure my anxiety and depression.
  17. I want to mediate more and be able to always access my happy place.
  18. I want to finish some of the projects I have started.
  19. I want to start some new projects.
  20. I want to help my ex get stronger and heal.

Confession 21: I’m An Adult who. . .

I am adult who doesn’t like babies or kids.

I’ve learned that I am not a baby person! Truth is I’m not even a kid person anymore. I’m afraid of hunting small babies. I freak out when someone wants me to hold them. I also cannot puke or spit up. I am horrified of dropping them and hurting their soft spot.  I was good with toddlers until they would run from me and split their head on the end table. (Happened to me twice)

I have health issues and due to my mental & emotional issues, I have zero patience for whinny, kids or crying babies!  In fact, I have anxiety & depression, do you really want that around your impressible young minds??

I used to be good with kids. I used to be able to get most kids to do whatever I wanted; with just my imagination and story time.  I could change a diaper with my eye closed. (I was tired enough that I may have.)
However my ex-stepmother pushed my younger brothers on me. (I love them, and I will go to hell and back for them, even now at 21 and 17.)  At 12, I was cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of brothers, and homework plus volleyball and basketball. I can’t remember when I slept.
Then in college I would take care of my 5 year old brother and my 1 year old brother between work and school. (Again I don’t remember seeping much!)
Then during church, I kept getting pushed into doing nursery duty for my ex-stepmother and then her friends’ shifts. I went to church once for three month and never saw a service.
I got burnt out of babies and kids! All of my 20’s I said I didn’t want kids. Then I tried to major in education in college to appease my dad. (He wanted me to have a stable job. I fell in love with music I move writing (opposite of stable right?)) That major last about two semesters before the college kept changing their classes and telling me the classes I took didn’t count. I have an Associates of Arts.

With my last ex (we were together 8 years) I had many times where my body thought it was pregnant. I even had believed I had a miscarriage, and I still have horrible nightmares over what I had passed in the bathroom. (I will keep you readers from the gross details.)

I had a doctor tell me I would be a high risk pregnancy because of my immune system and my hormonal imbalances. I am 90% sure I will never had a kid. And I am okay with that! I want fur-babies that meow and purr. If I had good money, I would have a cat sanctuary.

Between being burnt out and my health issues, now can others see where I do not want to be around babies and kids?

I like sleeping in. I like having ice cream for dinner or have dinner at 9pm. I like watching movies with adult scenes. I like to cuss, damn-it! I like sex with someone I am in a committed relationship with. I love uninterrupted time to write!

My problem is I currently live with family, and they just got a baby. (Sighs)

A poem: Impatience

 

Impatience

Rebekah Quinn © 2016

 

I never

Felt in

Such away

Like I

Do now.

I think

Of you

All of

The time:

In the

Early morning

And late

In the

Deep night.

I wish

We were

Together now

As I

Want to

Kiss you

Hold you

Hug you

And never

Let you

Ever go.

I pray

To the

Many gods

And fates . . .

I wish

On many

Shiny pennies

And stars

For us

To be

Closer, together.

But why

Such a

Long wait?

Why must

We go

Through this?

I know

A time

Will come

And we

Will be

Together soon.

But when?

 

Confession #8

I’m a constant worrier.

I have at least ten things in my head at all times. . . 

  1. Family issues (Who did I piss off or irk now?)
  2. Love issues (Will I ever get to see the guy I currently like 1000 miles away?)
  3. Friend issues (Will I say something to piss them off?)
  4. Money issues (Can I really keep a job? will I make money with my writing?)
  5. My Anxiety (If I don’t worry, then I don’t care.)
  6. My stories (Are they good enough to get published? will I ever get to finish them?)
  7. Am I good enough for (fill in the blank?)
  8. Time (I want to do everything at once)
  9. Health issues (Am I really sick? It is never as serious as it in my head)
  10. Whatever stress there is at the time.

That is just the basics. . . sometimes there is more.

It is very hard for me to just let go.

 

Night of Living Links. . .

More links to blogs of me. . .

A little more about me. . .

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2014/04/02/secrets-vs-privacy/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/this-is-who-i-am-in-a-nut-shell/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2013/09/24/what-i-think-of-me/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2013/09/24/who-i-am-the-harsh-truth/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2013/10/14/a-few-surveys/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2013/10/16/another-survey/

 

My Addictions With pictures

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/common-addiction/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2014/03/10/my-therapeutic-addiction/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2013/09/28/my-favorite-20-foods-that-i-make-at-home/

 

Health issues including Anxiety and Depression

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2014/04/17/shadow-on-the-sunny-side-of-the-street/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2014/03/28/is-there-hope/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2014/03/29/health-issues/

 

Drama and distraction (I guess, to be honest, they are one in the same with me.)

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2013/11/17/tapped-out/

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2014/04/04/slowly-fading-away/

 

My Heaven

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2014/03/10/levels-of-heaven/

 

My Hell

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2014/03/10/my-ten-levels-of-hell/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What to do? What to do?

To-Do List This Weekend. . .

Clean out totes. . .

  1. Organize writings
  2. Go through diaries.
  3. Throw out what I do not need.
  4. Go through Books

Sweep Basement

Clean Kitty Litter

Feed Cats

Organize picture on my computer

Organize Flash Drive

Create Extra back ups

Work on diary

Draw and color for a while

Work on Blogs

  1. Writing Blog (3 entries)
  2. Webseries D. W. a G.
  3. Personal blog

Eat Lunch

Take meds

Dishes

Talk to my sweetie