The dating game

I’m starting to think my dating life is like rounds of Mahjongg. You don’t know if when start the game if you are going to win, lose, have one, two or three stars. 

Sometimes the pairs are easy, like problems or events with the latest boyfriend. However there are harder pieces to find like the big fights that change how you see everything. 

What irks me is when the exact pieces are under each other and it’s like problems that cannot be fixed. Grrrrrr. 

Sometime you need to step away, scatter the pieces, if you are that lucky, or walk away for good from the mess. However what counts that you had a good time while you played. 


What I would like right now (2:45pm)

I would love to cuddling on the couch with my guy. We’re watching netflix.  He kisses my cheek and neck while whispering sweet things . . . 

  • “You are the prettiest woman I know. “
  • “You are so soft.”
  • ” Do you know how much you mean to me?”
  • “We can get through anything together”

What I want right now (3am)

I want to be with my dream guy who is giddy over me and is snuggling in bed, I’m the small spoon. He has his arms around me and everything is alright. 

Rolls eyes

I suck. . .

At playing it cool.

I bite my tongue when he asks if I am ok as I am afraid I would chase him away with everything in my head. He doesn’t want to hear my true feelings, he barely texts he misses me. 

He doesn’t want to hear that I am freaking out because I feel like he rather be somewhere else 9 times out 10 we text. Or that I’m freaking out because I do not feel I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, quiet enough, strict/dominant enough.  . . He wants to me to demand him what to do, how to do it and simply be happy with that. 

He is out bettering himself. I cannot even get up to get a can of soda. I made dinner, but didn’t finish my fantasy football list. I feel completely deflated and not worthy.

I cannot sleep.

My mind will not stop.

All I do is freak out.

I’m loud and cannot play it cool. 

What is wrong with me?

Therapy exercise

I was asked “Where do I see myself in a year?” 

This year, from Sept (2016) to Sept (2017), I’ve learned that so much can change in the year. 

  • By next Sept (2018), I hope to have my thriller novella trilogy being sold in real book stores. 
  • I also hope to help my mom and brother have their own place with two cats.
  • I hope I am with a great guy who gets me, but that is icing on the cake. 

My goal is to put my past behind me and build my confidence. 

Where do I see myself in 5 years?”

(When I was in therapy, I had said I wanted to be with a guy, I found out was a catfish.) I realize I need  to focus on me. 

  • I hope to be on book tours and lectures and selling my books.
  • I hope my family is taken care of.
  • I hope to be with someone, but again it is icing on the cake. 

I try to focus a day at a time, not to look at the future. I get anxious thinking about it. 


Anxiety be gone

As I have mention, I’ve been interested in a new guy. 

My anxiety has been on high. 

I haven’t been sleeping right and when I do I’ve been having nightmares. (Smothering men, locking them in cages, and even smothering so much I find them dead. I need  to stop the over thinking about this.)

I was on my therapy site and it helped put my anxiety into perspective.  I need to start thing thinking like this. .  .

“Will this matter a year from now? How about 5 years from now?” 

If it will, then why I am worrying about it now?

If it won’t, then why I am worrying about it now?

Big question why the **** am I worrying?

Worrying will not help. 

The things I really need to hear

1. Enjoy today

2. Nothing that you worry about will matter a year or five years from now

3. If they don’t appreciate you for you are, it’s not worth it.

4. Keep writing, you are really good at it. You will be successful. 

5. I love when you are happy. 

6. You are beautiful or sexy. 

7. Smile more

8. Sing, dance, color, it’s fun.

9. Enjoy what life has to give you.

10. It will be okay.