The dating game

I’m starting to think my dating life is like rounds of Mahjongg. You don’t know if when start the game if you are going to win, lose, have one, two or three stars. 

Sometimes the pairs are easy, like problems or events with the latest boyfriend. However there are harder pieces to find like the big fights that change how you see everything. 

What irks me is when the exact pieces are under each other and it’s like problems that cannot be fixed. Grrrrrr. 

Sometime you need to step away, scatter the pieces, if you are that lucky, or walk away for good from the mess. However what counts that you had a good time while you played. 


What I would like right now (2:45pm)

I would love to cuddling on the couch with my guy. We’re watching netflix.  He kisses my cheek and neck while whispering sweet things . . . 

  • “You are the prettiest woman I know. “
  • “You are so soft.”
  • ” Do you know how much you mean to me?”
  • “We can get through anything together”

Rolls eyes

I suck. . .

At playing it cool.

I bite my tongue when he asks if I am ok as I am afraid I would chase him away with everything in my head. He doesn’t want to hear my true feelings, he barely texts he misses me. 

He doesn’t want to hear that I am freaking out because I feel like he rather be somewhere else 9 times out 10 we text. Or that I’m freaking out because I do not feel I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, quiet enough, strict/dominant enough.  . . He wants to me to demand him what to do, how to do it and simply be happy with that. 

He is out bettering himself. I cannot even get up to get a can of soda. I made dinner, but didn’t finish my fantasy football list. I feel completely deflated and not worthy.

I cannot sleep.

My mind will not stop.

All I do is freak out.

I’m loud and cannot play it cool. 

What is wrong with me?

Therapy exercise

I was asked “Where do I see myself in a year?” 

This year, from Sept (2016) to Sept (2017), I’ve learned that so much can change in the year. 

  • By next Sept (2018), I hope to have my thriller novella trilogy being sold in real book stores. 
  • I also hope to help my mom and brother have their own place with two cats.
  • I hope I am with a great guy who gets me, but that is icing on the cake. 

My goal is to put my past behind me and build my confidence. 

Where do I see myself in 5 years?”

(When I was in therapy, I had said I wanted to be with a guy, I found out was a catfish.) I realize I need  to focus on me. 

  • I hope to be on book tours and lectures and selling my books.
  • I hope my family is taken care of.
  • I hope to be with someone, but again it is icing on the cake. 

I try to focus a day at a time, not to look at the future. I get anxious thinking about it. 


Anxiety be gone

As I have mention, I’ve been interested in a new guy. 

My anxiety has been on high. 

I haven’t been sleeping right and when I do I’ve been having nightmares. (Smothering men, locking them in cages, and even smothering so much I find them dead. I need  to stop the over thinking about this.)

I was on my therapy site and it helped put my anxiety into perspective.  I need to start thing thinking like this. .  .

“Will this matter a year from now? How about 5 years from now?” 

If it will, then why I am worrying about it now?

If it won’t, then why I am worrying about it now?

Big question why the **** am I worrying?

Worrying will not help. 

The things I really need to hear

1. Enjoy today

2. Nothing that you worry about will matter a year or five years from now

3. If they don’t appreciate you for you are, it’s not worth it.

4. Keep writing, you are really good at it. You will be successful. 

5. I love when you are happy. 

6. You are beautiful or sexy. 

7. Smile more

8. Sing, dance, color, it’s fun.

9. Enjoy what life has to give you.

10. It will be okay. 

There is this new guy. . .

Don’t you just love hearing. . . There is new guy?

I finally met a guy online who I connect with, didn’t cancel the date with some lame excuse, and he was very cute. 

However this has made my anxiety go to extremes. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.  

It has taken me so many empty conversations and bad pictures with guys and girls to get here. It makes it even more valuable.

He is intelligent, creative, and wants a challenge. 

My damn anxiety keeps me questioning me . . . 

  • Am I up to his expectations? 
  • Am I at his level?  
  • Is he interested me or just lonely ? 
  • Does he just want fun?
  • Is he for real?
  • Am I really good enough for HIM?
  • Am I dominant enough for HIM?

I need to just enjoy the time we have together, but these thoughts hang on the back of my head.

But there is this new guy. . .(excited and nervous)

Health vs reality

Yesterday was a challenge to get out of bed.  I hate my life like that. I don’t need bitter, harsh people having me to jump into reality. . . They will piss me off and make me hug my pillows harder.

However I simply need someone excited about life and telling me “let’s take one step at a time.” I want them to tell me “getting out of bed is a baby step, help me with dinner, and then we’ll go shopping or watch a movie.”

I have goals and dreams. I have things I want to accomplish in my life. I feel I really need support getting there. . .

My health issues are not always visible. Last night out of nowhere, after several really good days, I was completely down and out. I felt like nothing had meaning. My writing had no value and I felt depressed and empty. I hate that deflated feeling. . . Like deflated balloon in a dried up mud puddle. 

Normally, I know my triggers, but I’m getting depressed without trigger. It’s starting to scare me.

I just want to get better. A site that helps me


I used to watch the game show called Baggage. Jerry Springer was the host. There was the main person, male or female which had a piece of extreme baggage. Then they get to see three or four of the wanted type of partner with their small, medium, and large baggage. 

It made me think what is my baggage. 

Small baggage: I’m very close to my family. I moved back in with them. (My ex didn’t want me to work, so when he passed away, I had nothing. I try to help support my family and they help and support me.)

Medium baggage: I am seeking someone to inspire me and support my writing career. 

Large baggage: I have health issues which encourages me to entrance more of a dominant life style. I am a dominant yet sensual mistress who loves control. I love chastity and other fetishes. I want a submissive boyfriend who wants me for who I am and supports me. 
Surprising baggage: I do not want kids, and I will not date those with kids. I rather have 2 to 3 cats. I helped raise my brothers and was forced into an education major, this burnt me out. I want adult fun, writing my book, like running around the house naked or have dinner parties or traveling more.