Day 13: Confidence

Day 13: Share about the last time you felt confident in yourself. Why did you feel that confident?

I’m trying to better myself

I’m normally I’m confident in my blogs, stories and novels. I know I’m writer.

However when it comes to people, I can be very insecure. The last time I was truly confident, I was with my ex, Tom. He accepted me for who I am,(was) and he trusted me enough to control our money, errands, most dates, menu, shopping, chores, and such. (I love to plan.) I felt like I could do anything with him. I got sick, things got complicated, and he cheated on me. He did not shatter my heart, but he busted my confidence. I have not found anyone else in which I felt secure and confident.

I hope I find a new person in my life that helps me with my confidence. (I truly hope I can let someone in to let them help me with my confidence.)

Health updates

I went to the doctor. . .

• UTI, I knew that one.
• My stuff updated, bloodwork and meds.
• I lost 5 pounds within the year.
• I have an appointment with my female stuff doctor. Most of my main problems are with my female junk.
• My hands are just sore from overuse, nor carpal tunnel syndrome or arthritis. Yay.
• I do have sleep apnea and need more test.

However why am I more tired with my meds, then when I was off of them?

No Smoking Please

I posted no smoking on my personals. In fact, smoking partners is a deal breaker.

I do not want to kiss ashtrays.

The last guy I was with was a smoker, and I couldn’t kiss him when he come home from work.

Gum does not hide the smoky taste or smell.

I am lonely, but no enough to give up my sensitive lungs to a smoker.

I will not tell someone to stop their bad habit, because that leaves them to tell me to stop mine (saying I`m sorry for nothing, stalling, and soda. I’m sure there are others bad habits too. I’m not perfect.)

It’s crazy those since posting “I do not want smokers,” I`ve gotten replies from 6 different guys who all smoke. Either they didn’t read my profile or simply don’t care what or whom I want.

What does deal breaker mean, people? I means I do NOT want to date smokers. Please move on.

Finding a Guy

After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.

I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)

However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.

I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.

I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.

Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.

I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.

I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.

My Short Stories

I’m writing Short Stories.

I put my feelings in each one. These are flash fiction but very personal. In the last few year my heart and soul shattered, each of these pieces are my a piece of shattered heart and soul.

I hope to find myself and piece myself together.

I’m posting them on my Short Story blog. . .

Rebekah Quinne Short Stories

Sigh.

Between PTSD and depression, I have not been happy.

I’ve tried sims, cooking and the rest of my content list. . .

1. Listening to music

2. Comfortably writing for hours

3. Soda pop

4. Shopping

5. Walking

6. Getting out or dinning out

7. Talking to friends

8. Cats

9. Watching funny TV

10. Going to the movies

I just can’t get or find happiness. Why?

RIP Tom

Ironic this writing assignment is over a week late to deadline (anniversary of Toms death January 13th.) The irony is that it was usually Tom nagging me, pushing me to finish my writing on time. Another ironic thing is Interview with a Vampire is playing in the background. Tom’s favorite movie.

Tom’s Dream Funeral

I lived with Tom for 8 years. . . I like to believe you get to know someone really well in 8 years.

As lovely and simple as the real funeral was . . . it was not what Tom would have wanted. He told first of all, he wanted to be biodiamonds. He wanted to be made into jewelry for those closest to him. I would have requested a ring for my middle finger on right hand. The right hand is my dominant and he taught me to say “fuck it” sometimes.

I think it would be in the woods with candles, latter’s and huge bonfire. We have a fake body in which we burn while celebrating him moving into a different realm. We drink, eat, listen to his favorite classic rock music. We sit around the fire and tell stories of him.

What I miss the most, I’ll never find anyone as passionate as he was. He bold, daring, loud, and rambunctious. There was rarely a dull moment with him. Whether it was him yelling at TV over wrestling or football or passionate reciting Lestat quotes from Anne Rice.

I also think I never got to appreciate the way he should have been. He taught me so much about love, hope, dreams, support, and passionate. I hope he knows he will always be remembered for his liveliness.

my prayers

I’m giving him 5 more days and I’m done

I laugh because I know he will still haunt me. (He celebrated his birthdays for weeks, not days.) 

I’m talking about my ex Tom. He was my longest relationship so far. It is hard to get him out of my head . . . he passed away from cancer January 13, 2017.  (Saturday will be his anniversary of his death.) 

So starting today, I’m going to highlight a different thing about him until Saturday and I will write out his funeral the way he would have wanted it. 

(I find it funny that I told myself I was going to give myself until December 31st, 2017 and move on. He and I both know I am trying, but when someone lives you for 8 years of your life, they make an impact. ) 

A Healthy Balance

My health is like balancing on a high wire. 

Yesterday I had low blood sugar spell. . . tired, sore, cranky. 

It was 72. I had a few sugar cubes and it went  up to 138 and 150. I work my best at 120. However I have no figured how to balance it just well yet. 

However I love my soda, chocolate, and coffee. 

Just don’t want my damn diabetes to destroy my love of food. 

Sighs

This kills me because I pride myself on my honesty . . .but sometimes I lie about my feelings with the outside world. I will smile and laugh or be robotic when I’m sad and miserable inside. 

However I am sad, and hurt and mad and upset and I feel like I am stuck in a dark, cold very lonely hole. I feel like this hole is only getting deeper. 

I’m so sad. I’m going to bed.