I felt good all week but now. . .
It feels just another day.
I felt like my mind hyped it all for nothing.
I don’t feel any older or wiser.
Many of my online friends wished me a happy birthday early.
I’m getting a cake tomorrow.
My hair is funky and colorful.
I’ve done a lot within the year, but I still feel blah.
I hope Christmas goes better.
Day 24 and 25
https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/
Note: the main person who posted the questions was away from her computer yesterday, so I decided to post Day 24 the way she had posted the previous days and she messaged me asking if I would like to write posts for the page. (Dances! I know it’s not a paying thing, but it helps my writing resume.)
Day 24: Do you compare yourself to others? How can you be more focused on yourself?
I used to all of the time, and sometimes when I’m sleep deprived I still will. (I’m horrible with Facebook and looking up old school mates. I see their hopeful,my healthy families and busy lives and wonder if kids are worth it. I have so many mood and mental issues, I’m afraid I would ruin a boyfriend . . . I know I would screw up a kid. Sighs.)
I try to focus on things I love Writing, cooking, and cats.
Day 25: If you met a person that was just like you, would you like them? If so, why? If not, how could you view the person more positively?
I would find myself interesting and if can both remain calm we would have some good conversations. However i do NOT have the patience for myself. (I really don’t know how my family does it with my grotchiness and mood swings.)
I rather communicate to them through writing. If they are me we would both be doing online at 3 am in the morning.
Bad Habits Part 1 heres the link from part 1.
I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes.
I’m far from perfect, but I feel the more I write, the more I learn about myself.
I worry alot (over thinking doesn’t help.) I hate being out of control. If I can’t control something, I over think, over worry and then bite my nails and over eating to try and calm myself down. It usually ends in a stomache or headache
I feel have to plan and be in control. I feel better when I plan. Even though 90% of the time, nothing goes as planned. I love outlining, but my muses and character usually run the story their own ways. I love to make lists: chores, menus, take out orders, errands, grocery, budgeting with bills etc.
I love food. I mentioned in this in part 1, but I forgot the worst part of this habit is that I eat late at night. We joke I’m a vampire. Lol. I watch food network, and I get hungry. We have trying to only watching the food network in the afternoon or during meals.
I feel I have to come with a warning. . . . I can snap at any second for any reason. My mood swings are crazy. I’ve tried talking to several doctors and therapists. The therapist push it to the doctors, and the doctors push it to the therapists. It’s been over two years, and I haven’t gotten past a second date.
I am not a bad person. In fact, I’m the most honest and loyal person, I know.
I’m trying to fix myself. (I’m work in process. Perfection is boring.)
I am working on my current weaknesses. . .
I hate to clean, but with the right energy and good cleaning products, I have cleaned a bathroom pretty good. My bedroom and a kitchen are two rooms I hate to clean. I hate bed making, it can never get flat or even; I tuck in one side and I pull out the other. (But I love clean fresh tide-smelling sheets.)
Clothes wise, I don’t like to sew, cannot stay in a straight line. I also hate ironing. (I don’t dress up, so I need to do either.) I will throw a damp towel in a dryer with my wrinkled clothes so I don’t have to use the iron. I love folding towels, but I hate folding shirts. I am just bad with the sleeves. I am not a fan of laundry. It usually stays in the washer until, I remember or look on my do-to list.
My sleep schedule (my sleep apnea makes thinks worst for me.) Makes a lot of thing hard for me . . . Working a 9 to 5 schedule, day schedule period, (I seem to have the most energy between 8pm to 2am), it’s harder to heal, and harder to control my moods. (I plan to get a cpap machine soon. I hope will get more energy during the day. Coffee and soda are my main sources of energy, right now.)
However I do NOT believe I am over honest or that I write too much.
I decided to post my jobs, and skills
Jobs I’ve had
Volunteer jobs I’ve done
Skills
Notes:
I had a no internet weekend, and not because I wanted to. . .I think out router in our modem went out. Of course when I want to research. . . grrr.
Its different than a few weekends ago when I purposely took a break from the internet.
I use sites for therapy, research, my blogging, etc. Sigh.
You do not like me when I have no internet. . . Angry Bear…. Grrr.
I hope the modem stays fixed.
After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.
I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)
However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.
I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.
I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.
Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.
I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.
I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.
My love of music is a blessing and a curse. . . It depends on the song and my mood.
I can either take on the world or cry hiding in a hole. . . Depending on how the song pushed my emotions. It could make me laugh or haunt me with a bitter memory of my past.
Music is always something I go to no matter emotion I feel. It is expressive for me and I can make a play list for anytime in my life. Sometime a song just says the words, that I cannot get out of my head.
I was originally a music major in college. I found out that I had inner ear problem on my right ear and it made it hard to play one thing and sing another. I changed my major because of my ear, so music is a bittersweet thing for me.
Ironic this writing assignment is over a week late to deadline (anniversary of Toms death January 13th.) The irony is that it was usually Tom nagging me, pushing me to finish my writing on time. Another ironic thing is Interview with a Vampire is playing in the background. Tom’s favorite movie.
Tom’s Dream Funeral
I lived with Tom for 8 years. . . I like to believe you get to know someone really well in 8 years.
As lovely and simple as the real funeral was . . . it was not what Tom would have wanted. He told first of all, he wanted to be biodiamonds. He wanted to be made into jewelry for those closest to him. I would have requested a ring for my middle finger on right hand. The right hand is my dominant and he taught me to say “fuck it” sometimes.
I think it would be in the woods with candles, latter’s and huge bonfire. We have a fake body in which we burn while celebrating him moving into a different realm. We drink, eat, listen to his favorite classic rock music. We sit around the fire and tell stories of him.
What I miss the most, I’ll never find anyone as passionate as he was. He bold, daring, loud, and rambunctious. There was rarely a dull moment with him. Whether it was him yelling at TV over wrestling or football or passionate reciting Lestat quotes from Anne Rice.
I also think I never got to appreciate the way he should have been. He taught me so much about love, hope, dreams, support, and passionate. I hope he knows he will always be remembered for his liveliness.
I laugh because I know he will still haunt me. (He celebrated his birthdays for weeks, not days.)
I’m talking about my ex Tom. He was my longest relationship so far. It is hard to get him out of my head . . . he passed away from cancer January 13, 2017. (Saturday will be his anniversary of his death.)
So starting today, I’m going to highlight a different thing about him until Saturday and I will write out his funeral the way he would have wanted it.
(I find it funny that I told myself I was going to give myself until December 31st, 2017 and move on. He and I both know I am trying, but when someone lives you for 8 years of your life, they make an impact. )
I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot.
In my head 