Confession #11 and #12

#11 I have both anxiety and depression . . . I feel like there is a constant war inside my head.

  1. Some days I really have to push myself just to do things.
  2. I feel like I just can get out of the hole.
  3. I wish I can tell myself and believe it that things will get better.

 

I have written what is like with depression and anxiety. . . https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2015/07/21/this-what-what-is-it-like-with-depression-and-anxiety/

 

#12 I feel both my depression and anxiety keeps me from living my life. 

  1. I’m afraid to do things like drive or even date.
  2. There are some day I have to push myself to get out of bed.
  3. I struggled day to day with things I love to do like writing.

 

I hope to see a therapist soon, I am going to the doctor to talk about it this week.

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Confession #9 and 10

#9 I do not consider myself fat.  I am a larger woman, yes.
I will take words: fluffy, curvy, voluptuous, or well rounded.
I do not like the word fat.
 I just think fat just a bitter word.
(Just to let you know a thin women would not have natural plump breasts. My mine are real, and they are amazing or so I have been told.)

I would like a flatter stomach, but ideally I would leave my boobs as hips alone. The guys seem to like them, so I will live it. (My breasts give me backaches, but as long as my boyfriend rubs my back, my boobs are his.)

#10 I have accepted who I am. . . I am a curvy woman who enjoys food. I am not going to give up something I enjoy to suffer to look what a shallow media thinks is “good.”(Seeing ribs is gross, if I see ribs, then I feed you.)

And if I do decide to lose weight (it would be for health reasons, and my guy would accept me no matter what.)

 

 

Confession #8

I’m a constant worrier.

I have at least ten things in my head at all times. . . 

  1. Family issues (Who did I piss off or irk now?)
  2. Love issues (Will I ever get to see the guy I currently like 1000 miles away?)
  3. Friend issues (Will I say something to piss them off?)
  4. Money issues (Can I really keep a job? will I make money with my writing?)
  5. My Anxiety (If I don’t worry, then I don’t care.)
  6. My stories (Are they good enough to get published? will I ever get to finish them?)
  7. Am I good enough for (fill in the blank?)
  8. Time (I want to do everything at once)
  9. Health issues (Am I really sick? It is never as serious as it in my head)
  10. Whatever stress there is at the time.

That is just the basics. . . sometimes there is more.

It is very hard for me to just let go.

 

Confession #7

Family first. . . I have learn a lot in the last year including family first. . . in the end, they are who you got. You need to support each other.

I never thought I could see all of my family actually get along. . . I have seen several times already and it was very nice. It all feels very surreal, but I like it.

Family relies on each other, and I hope my next boyfriend has the sense of family that I do.

My family was there with this last break up, I hope to share a wedding celebration with them someday.

Confession # 6

I love the feeling of being in love. . . the infatuation, but then again who doesn’t?

It makes me feel good, day dream, and it gives me more energy. There is nothing wrong with that. (However I am just sick of the cat-fishing, the people out there pretending to be someone there are not just to think they need to fit in.)
I am finally talking to someone that yes I am infatuated with, but he just feels real. My gut even feel like he is real. (If I am find out that he is a cat-fish too, I probably would lose trust in humanity. no pressure. However I never felt this comfortable over a person ever. . . not even my ex.)

Random Survey

Are you:
•single: Kind of. . . it’s comlicated and long distance
•scared of the dark: sometimes
•scared of heights: Yes
•scared of drowning: Yes
•scared of losing someone: Yes

Do you think:
•people talk about you behind your back:  Sometimes
•someone loves you (not including family):  Yes, it’s complicated
•someone hates you: yes
•felt lonely: YES
•cried your self to sleep: YES
•snuck out: No
•gone to sleep with your clothes on: Yes
•littered: …I try not to

Do you:
.like anyone: yes
•want a boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes, boyfriend
•have Ebola Hell No.
•like your life: For the most part
•wish you could change something from the past: A few
•have a bestfriend: Kind of
•want a new best friend: Sure
•like mustard: Yes
•have a phone: Yes, limited minutes

How many:
•siblings you got: 3 blood related, 4 pulled into the family
•tooth brushes you got: 2
•phone cases you got: 0, no cases
•fillings have you had: 5