A long time to be in the shadows. . .

I’ve had anxiety has been since grade school. . . Started with test anxiety and dealing with a very hot-tempered father. I wanted to have good grades to impress my family at first. (I am not sure if I did.)

I struggled at times with tests, I knew the info, but my nerves would have the worst in me. Speeches always made me nervous, but I’m not sure why . . . Probably the grades stay on my record and my record is important for college. . . In which did help me get full grants . . . I have Associate of Arts collecting dust.

I enjoyed the challenge of college, but unlike high school, studying and notes are not always just given to you. No one is going to push you to study. I think they should have a Saturday class to see if you are college material. If you can handle the classes, a job, plus college extras. .. I’m just saying college to me was made up of my own made self-pushing and anxiety. I always want to excel.

Currently my anxiety deals with new people and new situation, I’m afraid to start over only to get hurt again. (It’s a common fear, but how do I get over it?)

I do feel my anxiety and depression goes hand in hand. I get nervous because I try so hard to make others happy, to please others, to get them to like me. . . and when they do not like me, I get depressed. (I know not everyone is going to like me. I can be a moody person, but I am helper, honest, and one of the most loyal people I know. So I know if you don’t like me, it’s not my lost, there will be others.)

Depression is shorter (as I have not been depressed as much as simply worried) , it started probably end of high school. The snowball probably started with my ex- stepmother threatening my hot-tempered father on me when things didn’t go her way. I was always a people pleaser, and if I couldn’t please them, then my self esteem would lower and I believe my depression developed. (I know now that the only one I can please is myself.)

My depression now is from lack of friends and a love life, mixed with my unbalanced emotional, mood swings from female issues. I guess I need to get out more.

  • I feel like I can stand in a crowded room and no one would understand me.
  • I feel like I can clearly blog my every emotion and yet I still feel alone and misunderstood.

I have several moments in my life that cause ptsd.

Car issues 1995, 1999, and 2016

Adult issues 2005, 2007, 2016

Emotional issues 2005-2006, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2016-2017

PTSD issues, I don’t feel like getting into details at this time.

Some Eharmony Questions

1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why? My family, because they are always there for me no matter my health or my mood.

2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving? I want to a famous multi-genre author and blogger.

3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry? My self and then my mom, but thing is my mom just has really bad timing, she just pushes me when I’m tired or my nerves are fired or both. My self is because I want to be everyone’s everything and be in control and the truth is I can’t.

4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable? Mom and my youngest brother. . . mom let’s me be who I am, and youngest brother taught me to be affectionate and cuddle.

5. How do you feel about yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
physically—drained from health issues
emotionally—strained from health issues
Mentally—obsessed from inspired research
Spiritually—buzzed and fuzzy from being hard to relax or focus

6. When do you feel inspired? How does it feel when you are inspired? All kinds of thing inspire me: another blogs, writings, books, movies, art, movies etc. and they can inspire at anytime. I usually get inspired the most when I’m busy or very tired and need sleep. I feel like my thoughts speak a mile a minute. . . my head fills with questions, and it does not stop. . . its one of the reason I’m an insomniac.

7. What is the most important thing in the world to you? My writing, family, food, and cats.

8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
Breakfast make Eggs Benedict with my dad
Write letters to everyone
Lunch with my mom
Shopping for everyone
Dinner lasagna with everyone
Multiple desserts
Give gifts and letters
Play Wii bowling
Write for a while

9. When do you feel most afraid? To be honest, all of the time for different reasons. . . . being alone, being a car accident, being homeless, having little friends or super busy friends, losing more family, dying before my writings are complete, being completely misunderstood etc.

10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be? Complete all my writing projects

11. What bores you? Why is this?
1. Women playing sports (I’m not saying, not to play, but I just prefer watching men playing American football, wrestling, baseball, basketball etc. this not count on the Olympics.)
2. Black n’ white TV. . . puts me to sleep. I love colors.
3. When writer’s block, I can’t even research, I’m that stuck.

12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it? Money is NOT the meaning to happiness. Its only a means to an end. More money, more taxes and problems lol. I have never had much money, but I do have a supportive family, a roof over my head, lights on, food, a good shower, toilet, and best of all my writing supplies. Its all that counts. I only think about maybe 20% of time when I’m budgeting, paying a bills or playing lottery.

13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you? My spirituality is complicated. I do believe in a higher deity . . .divided into two God and Goddess. They need each other, they support each other so they are never alone, and they balance each other.
I have read the bible (I know it does not mention the God and Goddess, but it makes no sense for God to be alone, and yet tell us to find a mate.)
I do not really like most churches, but I will talk about God, worship (sing and play piano, prefer modern worship guitars, drums etc.) and pray. Prayer helps my worrying.

14. What three interests are you most passionate about?
1. Creative works: creating worlds including playing sims, making art and writing stories.)
2. Food. I’m a foodie.
3. Cats. I love my furbabies. Note: I like puppies too.

15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy? I am my worst enemy. I over think and worry. I’m critical on myself about chores, job, weight, my writing, control, depression, anxiety, anger, and if I am good enough.

16. How important is food to you? Do you feel disciplined when it comes to eating? I love and enjoy food. It’s an art and experience. It’s not just a substance. I try to discipline myself, but food is good, and life is short.

17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you—or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like? I would like to try marriage and if I do marriage I hoping for it to last forever(until we both go to the pearly gates.) If I can find Mr. Right for me who I want and need, then I defiantly want long term. I want someone I can truly depend on and who is as loyal as I am.

18. Do you consider yourself emotionally healthy? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement? *laughs* I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes. I need more friends who understand me and what I have. . .
PTSD
Depression
Anxiety
Anger issues
Self esteem issues
Creative chaos

19. Do you argue very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out? Yes, I argue with my family more than not, (we argue all the freakin’ time lol), they call me the bear. (My personal term is bitchy bear.)

20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? (I’m really not to sure as most my friends scattered once my ex died. I think I just remind them of his death.) I think. . . they would say
“She left so soon.” Or “She was still here?”
“Good die young.” Or “Did she piss God/repeaper off too?”
“We should have hung out more. . . ” or “I couldn’t let her near my kids that lazy or depressed.”

21. Would you got back to any ex? No. I would not go back with any of my exes. There are reasons we didn’t work out.

Things I’ve learned from my exes.
1. I need someone with a sense of humor.
2. I need someone at least as loyal as I am.
3. I need someone reliable.
4. I need someone who let’s me take the lead ( I need control.)
5. I need someone who at least tries to understand me.
6. I need someone positive.
7. I need someone who love cats.
8. I need a dreaming doer.
9. I need someone who can communicate clearly.
10. I need someone around my age (26 to 39) who is into me as I am into them.
11. I want someone with some similarities and interests.
12. I want someone who likes sports.
13. I want someone smart.
14. I want someone semi spiritual.
15. I want someone into reading.
16. I want someone who cleans.

Note: there is a huge difference between needing and wanting.

https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/twenty-questions-to-ask-yourself/

I will have more questions and blogs on here and specific questions on https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/

So tired

Why am I so tired? Coffee only works sometimes, sigh!

Why don’t I have energy?

I wake up, eat, do some phone calls, take meds, and go back to bed. Sighs!

5 hour energy shots help as long as I drink enough. However the crash is hard!

I hate my sleep issues….apnea and anemia. Between the both, I feel I have permanent mono.

How can I get daily energy?

Opened eyes

My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .

My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.

Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.

I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.

However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.

Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.

This was a metaphor. . .

I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.

I’ve learned a few things. . .

  • There are a few things that make me happy.
  • There are people that support me.
  • This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
  • Hope is a very good thing.
  • Coffee is liquid hope.
  • Creative cooking is fun.
  • I am responsible for me and my life.
  • Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
  • I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
  • Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
  • I need to let go and move on.
  • I love to write.

Goals

  • Word count by December 31, 2018 (400,000)
  • Finish “Driving Lies
  • Get my computer fixed
  • Get a new cord for my computer
  • Fixed my sleep apnea
  • Help mom with diet
  • Walk three times a week
  • Work on getting a daily word count of 3000
  • Work on wattpad account
  • Write more stories
  • Research and get a new place
  • Publish something
  • Work on personal project
  • Post up to 200 blogs this year (among all my blogs)
  • Succeed in camp Nanowrimo April 30k
  • Succeed in camp Nanowrimo July 30k
  • Succeed in Nanowrimo November 50k
  • release book
  • Figure out who I am

Note: some of this list will repeat on my writing goals on my writing http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com

A bit bummed

YIM (yahoo instant messenger) is stopping their application on July 17.

It was really the only messenger I trusted and would go back to (especially after they stopped their chat rooms.)

KIK . . . keeps glitching on me with pass codes and calling me a bot for talking to one than one person at a time. I’m not a bot, just a multitasker. Grrrr

SKYPE. . . I used to be on Skype until it’s full of nothing but pervs, and what they want to show me on cam. No thanks, what happen to a decent chat?

I’m not into Hang outs or snap chat either. Sigh.

I will not instantly give out my phone number after like two messages. I have situation where I’m not alone so no naughty picture texts or bad phone calls.

. . . So I’m not sure what chatting system I’m going use in the future. Maybe my Facebook messenger, but who knows?

Sitting here worried

My time of day is off.

My energy is off. . .

Im just off. . . It’s because I’m worried.

I’m worried because my mom is the hospital waiting on medical specialists to figure out what to do with her inopratiable hernia. She now has a small obstruction, so I just hope they can fix it.

Meanwhile I’m doing her work and my work on lots of caffeine . . . Mostly coffee.

I would be with my mom, but I have a procedure I’ve scheduled six weeks ago to figure out my own health problems. Sigh.

I’m going crazy, and I’m mentally off. My mom issues just make my problems seem so trivial right now. I hope to get things figured out.

My Bad Habits

My Bad Habits

1. “I’m sorry.” I will say it even if I did nothing wrong. If the situation is wrong or bad. “I’m sorry.” Are the few words that come out of my mouth as if it’s my fault, it rained or that hot woman didn’t like you. It’s a bad force of the habit. I am the oldest of my siblings… and if something went wrong … it was my instant go to.
However I will not simply accept “I’m sorry,” or flower (I prefer candy or notebooks and pens.) for an apology especially if a person does not tell me what they are sorry about.

2. Over thinking… I question everything and if I have to rethink my questions and ideas … I wonder if my original ideas were right or wrong… I have talked myself out dates, meeting people, new experiences, jobs, writing projects. Please do NOT make me rethink my ideas.
I try myself to follow my hunches (gut), hearts, and then head… in that order.

3. I’m too soft. I feel I give in to easily, because I do not want to be alone. I have done stuff or meet people that I know don’t fit just because I want to get out. I need to stop this.

4. I keep blaming my health. I got dealt a weird and weak hand with life. I have to stop blaming myself for bad health and get creative. My health can impact my moodiness. I really need to stop hiding behind my health problems.

5. I can be lazy. I can write for hours or walk over a mile but I hate to clean. I simply blame my laziness. My laziness can talk me out of doing things… it’s hard to motivate myself when I simply do not want to do something.

6. I love food, and it can be a weakness such as going to my favorite restaurant. I love to cook, bake, and having nice dinner parties (nothing fancy just friends, food, games and movies.) It is a weakness to me, and lately it’s one of my only motivation which is sad.

I need to face my weaknesses

  • Food and shopping. (I love shopping whether it’s for fun or I have a list and goals.)
  • Feeling guilty after bitchiness even someone deserves it. (I should only feel guilty if the person did not purposely push my buttons.)
  • Loneliness vs being semi-social. (I have to understand not everyone has such an open schedule like I do. However there are time where I am simply tired, focused, or just too drained than to talked to people.)

I’m Lonely, not stupid

I’m lonely, but I’m not stupid. I will not meet up with someone who does not show me their picture. It can be anyone.

We post pics all over media. . . Facebook, personals, blogs etc.

Please send a pic and may it really be you.

I hate the excuses. . .

  • Work won’t allow it, then take it at home.
  • My family doesn’t know, then email it to me. (I delete pics if the guy doesn’t work out, why should I keep pics of guys who aren’t meant for me?)
  • My phone is new and I have no pic. Then take a pic.

If you are hiding something, please just leave alone. I only want open and honest people in my life.

This is me.

Finding a Guy

After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.

I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)

However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.

I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.

I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.

Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.

I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.

I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.