Day 8: Food

Day 8: What is a food you enjoy that makes you feel good?

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

I’m not sure if they meant healthy food or guilty pleasure.

Top ten favorite food.

1. Lasagna or pizza (any pasta fits here.)

2. Snap pea with ranch dip, (I’m weird but they are my potato chips)

3. Coffee with flavor creamers (caramel)

4. Ice cream (favorite rocky road with marshmallow swirl)

5. Sushi

6. Soft tacos (I prefer homemade and I make quesadillas)

7. Mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes

8. Very gooy mac and cheese with bacon

9. A juicy loaded burger with fried potatoes

10. most things chocolate

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I’m a very spiritual person

I final my spirituality in many things. . .especially art, music, and outdoors. (The are elements I do not like about outdoors like the bees and insects.) However I love to walk in the fall with my mp3 player and just focus on what God/Godess has created. (I get more into the God/Goddess issues on my spiritual blog http://spiritualbeck.wordpress.com/ )

I have many playlists and I have a worship playlist. . . In which I get caught up comtempary Christian, and other motivating and touching songs. I love when I have my headset on and I’m just into the music completely undisturbed. (It has helped my anxious and blue moods at times.)

I spiritual in most thing such as art. I love abstract art.

I love food and it can be a satisfying and spiritual experience.

Again I post my spiritual moments, beliefs, and such in my spiritual blog.

Things that keep me up at night. . .

I posted a simple version of this on my therapy site 7 cups.

I’ve been to 2 therapists, one kept pushing a job, but I have energy issues.the second one kept saying most are my issues are hormonal.

My main thoughts in no particular order. . .

1. Are the different pieces of my family ok? My mom has her health issues. My dad side of he family still not talking to me. . . But I still think of them. My closest brother has health issues (but sometimes, I think he does better than me.). My one brother just got married and other just graduated with many options ahead for him. I have a very young sister, so young she could easily be my own daughter and yet, I haven’t gotten to bond with her. I rather play with the toddler than the infant. I have a sister-in-law who I wish I so could chat with more, but it all just turns into he-said, he-said drama.

2. When can we have our own space (My family and I?) (My mom, brother and uncle live in a very tight space, and it’s very crowded and not as fun as like the show “My Name is Earl.) I would just like my own desk, working computer, WiFi, and recliner to sleep in.

3. I can’t work, and a few doctors will write notes, but government facilities will not count it. (Stupid president killed that.) I can’t work, I can’t sleep right: I go to bed tired, I wake up tired. No one wants me to use those 5 hour vitamins shots, but it’s the only way I can function for errands.

4. I can’t lose weight due to hormones I’m taking and bad sleep issues. The body needs to be balanced and get right sleep in order to function correctly. I lose 5 pounds, but gain ten in water weight. I’m going to scream if I get more doctor thinking all of my health problems are based on me being overweight. I can’t work so I can’t buy decent groceries. Because of weight I feel I’m ugly and not worthy. . . My doctors or media do not help my self esteem.

5. I can go from sweet and caring to bitter and mean. I’m also losing the propper, politeness filter of saying things especially when I’m flustered. My family know I’m bruntly honest, and I try to watch for other’s feelings, but they call me the bear, because I can snap and growl for no reason. I’m afraid to date because it’s bad to snap for no reason in the middle of a date. I don’t know all of my triggers. I know it’s hormonal, and my doctors don’t seem to care.

6. My energy versus my “luck” versus my writing. I love to write, but my lights and computers keep breaking. . . I feel like fates are against me writing, why God/Goddess, why? Writing helps me release and express myself. I’m borrowing the third desk light from a neighbor. I have two computers: one broke in which wires are exposed, my other computer’s fan is broken and charger over heats. I’m using my mom tablet to write this because my tablet needs to be plugged in at all times and tries to run every program at once. (Even when I have them turned off, it’s like if my Wi-Fi is on, it tries to override my controls.)

7. Why can’t I have a cat? Cats help my anxiety, especially petting them when they purr. The current land lady doesn’t even want us feeding the old stray, friendly mama cat.

8. Where can I advertise my blogs? I feel I do not have enough readers and fans, but I feel Facebook pushes it too much.

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/

9. Why am in pain at least 5 days out of week? Headaches, pelvic pains, sinus pains, back pains, hip pain. . . Cramping when it’s not even my lady time. WTH? What is wrong with me? (I will let the doctors do their tests, but they can’t say it’s my weight.) I feel I get passed from doctor to doctor (as if they don’t want me) leaving me with more questions than any solutions. . .

10. I am so easily distracted. I can’t mediate or focus without someone or something pulling away my attention, especially during the day. So I try to write between the hours of 11pm to 3am, sometimes later, but I have to have a day schedule on at least Friday’s and any day I have a doctor appointment.

11. I’m lonely. I am not sure why all my so-called friends left me once my ex died. Were they only his friends, and I was just along for the ride? If it wasnt for me, they wouldn’t have hung out as much. I rather have a bunch of friends that hug me (and sometimes understands me,) than a random boyfriend who will just cheat on me when he realize with my health issues I cannot give him physical intimacy.

12. Can, I please win the Mega millions jackpot? I mean. . .May I please win the Mega millions jackpot? God/Goddess, you know 66% (2/3rds) will go to help others just like we agreed. I need a place to call home again, preferable our old land with a new house on it. You know if I had the choice right now. . . I would choose money over love. (I had love with Tom, and now it’s my time to work on me and help others. PLEASE. Today, I am buying a lottery ticket, may it have the six winning lottery numbers on it, again, please.).

13. I’m tired of the constant depressed and anxious feelings. . . That instant feeling of doom just around the corner. I hate how I am instantly sad like I want to cry but no reason why. . . Or I snap without warning. Who would want a friend who can bite your head off figuratively speaking?

There are more problems but these are the main issues that constantly boil in my head . . . It’s hard to sleep when my mind doesn’t stop. Maybe since I vented, I can sleep better. . . We’ll see.

Now you may go back to regular scheduled program. . . Lol.

Bad Habits Part 2

Bad Habits Part 1 heres the link from part 1.
I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes.

I’m far from perfect, but I feel the more I write, the more I learn about myself.

I worry alot (over thinking doesn’t help.) I hate being out of control. If I can’t control something, I over think, over worry and then bite my nails and over eating to try and calm myself down. It usually ends in a stomache or headache

I feel have to plan and be in control. I feel better when I plan. Even though 90% of the time, nothing goes as planned. I love outlining, but my muses and character usually run the story their own ways. I love to make lists: chores, menus, take out orders, errands, grocery, budgeting with bills etc.

I love food. I mentioned in this in part 1, but I forgot the worst part of this habit is that I eat late at night. We joke I’m a vampire. Lol. I watch food network, and I get hungry. We have trying to only watching the food network in the afternoon or during meals.

I feel I have to come with a warning. . . . I can snap at any second for any reason. My mood swings are crazy. I’ve tried talking to several doctors and therapists. The therapist push it to the doctors, and the doctors push it to the therapists. It’s been over two years, and I haven’t gotten past a second date.

I am not a bad person. In fact, I’m the most honest and loyal person, I know.

I’m trying to fix myself. (I’m work in process. Perfection is boring.)

I am working on my current weaknesses. . .

I hate to clean, but with the right energy and good cleaning products, I have cleaned a bathroom pretty good. My bedroom and a kitchen are two rooms I hate to clean. I hate bed making, it can never get flat or even; I tuck in one side and I pull out the other. (But I love clean fresh tide-smelling sheets.)

Clothes wise, I don’t like to sew, cannot stay in a straight line. I also hate ironing. (I don’t dress up, so I need to do either.) I will throw a damp towel in a dryer with my wrinkled clothes so I don’t have to use the iron. I love folding towels, but I hate folding shirts. I am just bad with the sleeves. I am not a fan of laundry. It usually stays in the washer until, I remember or look on my do-to list.

My sleep schedule (my sleep apnea makes thinks worst for me.) Makes a lot of thing hard for me . . . Working a 9 to 5 schedule, day schedule period, (I seem to have the most energy between 8pm to 2am), it’s harder to heal, and harder to control my moods. (I plan to get a cpap machine soon. I hope will get more energy during the day. Coffee and soda are my main sources of energy, right now.)

However I do NOT believe I am over honest or that I write too much.

Some Eharmony Questions

1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why? My family, because they are always there for me no matter my health or my mood.

2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving? I want to a famous multi-genre author and blogger.

3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry? My self and then my mom, but thing is my mom just has really bad timing, she just pushes me when I’m tired or my nerves are fired or both. My self is because I want to be everyone’s everything and be in control and the truth is I can’t.

4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable? Mom and my youngest brother. . . mom let’s me be who I am, and youngest brother taught me to be affectionate and cuddle.

5. How do you feel about yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
physically—drained from health issues
emotionally—strained from health issues
Mentally—obsessed from inspired research
Spiritually—buzzed and fuzzy from being hard to relax or focus

6. When do you feel inspired? How does it feel when you are inspired? All kinds of thing inspire me: another blogs, writings, books, movies, art, movies etc. and they can inspire at anytime. I usually get inspired the most when I’m busy or very tired and need sleep. I feel like my thoughts speak a mile a minute. . . my head fills with questions, and it does not stop. . . its one of the reason I’m an insomniac.

7. What is the most important thing in the world to you? My writing, family, food, and cats.

8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
Breakfast make Eggs Benedict with my dad
Write letters to everyone
Lunch with my mom
Shopping for everyone
Dinner lasagna with everyone
Multiple desserts
Give gifts and letters
Play Wii bowling
Write for a while

9. When do you feel most afraid? To be honest, all of the time for different reasons. . . . being alone, being a car accident, being homeless, having little friends or super busy friends, losing more family, dying before my writings are complete, being completely misunderstood etc.

10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be? Complete all my writing projects

11. What bores you? Why is this?
1. Women playing sports (I’m not saying, not to play, but I just prefer watching men playing American football, wrestling, baseball, basketball etc. this not count on the Olympics.)
2. Black n’ white TV. . . puts me to sleep. I love colors.
3. When writer’s block, I can’t even research, I’m that stuck.

12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it? Money is NOT the meaning to happiness. Its only a means to an end. More money, more taxes and problems lol. I have never had much money, but I do have a supportive family, a roof over my head, lights on, food, a good shower, toilet, and best of all my writing supplies. Its all that counts. I only think about maybe 20% of time when I’m budgeting, paying a bills or playing lottery.

13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you? My spirituality is complicated. I do believe in a higher deity . . .divided into two God and Goddess. They need each other, they support each other so they are never alone, and they balance each other.
I have read the bible (I know it does not mention the God and Goddess, but it makes no sense for God to be alone, and yet tell us to find a mate.)
I do not really like most churches, but I will talk about God, worship (sing and play piano, prefer modern worship guitars, drums etc.) and pray. Prayer helps my worrying.

14. What three interests are you most passionate about?
1. Creative works: creating worlds including playing sims, making art and writing stories.)
2. Food. I’m a foodie.
3. Cats. I love my furbabies. Note: I like puppies too.

15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy? I am my worst enemy. I over think and worry. I’m critical on myself about chores, job, weight, my writing, control, depression, anxiety, anger, and if I am good enough.

16. How important is food to you? Do you feel disciplined when it comes to eating? I love and enjoy food. It’s an art and experience. It’s not just a substance. I try to discipline myself, but food is good, and life is short.

17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you—or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like? I would like to try marriage and if I do marriage I hoping for it to last forever(until we both go to the pearly gates.) If I can find Mr. Right for me who I want and need, then I defiantly want long term. I want someone I can truly depend on and who is as loyal as I am.

18. Do you consider yourself emotionally healthy? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement? *laughs* I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes. I need more friends who understand me and what I have. . .
PTSD
Depression
Anxiety
Anger issues
Self esteem issues
Creative chaos

19. Do you argue very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out? Yes, I argue with my family more than not, (we argue all the freakin’ time lol), they call me the bear. (My personal term is bitchy bear.)

20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? (I’m really not to sure as most my friends scattered once my ex died. I think I just remind them of his death.) I think. . . they would say
“She left so soon.” Or “She was still here?”
“Good die young.” Or “Did she piss God/repeaper off too?”
“We should have hung out more. . . ” or “I couldn’t let her near my kids that lazy or depressed.”

21. Would you got back to any ex? No. I would not go back with any of my exes. There are reasons we didn’t work out.

Things I’ve learned from my exes.
1. I need someone with a sense of humor.
2. I need someone at least as loyal as I am.
3. I need someone reliable.
4. I need someone who let’s me take the lead ( I need control.)
5. I need someone who at least tries to understand me.
6. I need someone positive.
7. I need someone who love cats.
8. I need a dreaming doer.
9. I need someone who can communicate clearly.
10. I need someone around my age (26 to 39) who is into me as I am into them.
11. I want someone with some similarities and interests.
12. I want someone who likes sports.
13. I want someone smart.
14. I want someone semi spiritual.
15. I want someone into reading.
16. I want someone who cleans.

Note: there is a huge difference between needing and wanting.

https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/twenty-questions-to-ask-yourself/

I will have more questions and blogs on here and specific questions on https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/

Goals

  • Word count by December 31, 2018 (400,000)
  • Finish “Driving Lies
  • Get my computer fixed
  • Get a new cord for my computer
  • Fixed my sleep apnea
  • Help mom with diet
  • Walk three times a week
  • Work on getting a daily word count of 3000
  • Work on wattpad account
  • Write more stories
  • Research and get a new place
  • Publish something
  • Work on personal project
  • Post up to 200 blogs this year (among all my blogs)
  • Succeed in camp Nanowrimo April 30k
  • Succeed in camp Nanowrimo July 30k
  • Succeed in Nanowrimo November 50k
  • release book
  • Figure out who I am

Note: some of this list will repeat on my writing goals on my writing http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com

My Bad Habits

My Bad Habits

1. “I’m sorry.” I will say it even if I did nothing wrong. If the situation is wrong or bad. “I’m sorry.” Are the few words that come out of my mouth as if it’s my fault, it rained or that hot woman didn’t like you. It’s a bad force of the habit. I am the oldest of my siblings… and if something went wrong … it was my instant go to.
However I will not simply accept “I’m sorry,” or flower (I prefer candy or notebooks and pens.) for an apology especially if a person does not tell me what they are sorry about.

2. Over thinking… I question everything and if I have to rethink my questions and ideas … I wonder if my original ideas were right or wrong… I have talked myself out dates, meeting people, new experiences, jobs, writing projects. Please do NOT make me rethink my ideas.
I try myself to follow my hunches (gut), hearts, and then head… in that order.

3. I’m too soft. I feel I give in to easily, because I do not want to be alone. I have done stuff or meet people that I know don’t fit just because I want to get out. I need to stop this.

4. I keep blaming my health. I got dealt a weird and weak hand with life. I have to stop blaming myself for bad health and get creative. My health can impact my moodiness. I really need to stop hiding behind my health problems.

5. I can be lazy. I can write for hours or walk over a mile but I hate to clean. I simply blame my laziness. My laziness can talk me out of doing things… it’s hard to motivate myself when I simply do not want to do something.

6. I love food, and it can be a weakness such as going to my favorite restaurant. I love to cook, bake, and having nice dinner parties (nothing fancy just friends, food, games and movies.) It is a weakness to me, and lately it’s one of my only motivation which is sad.

I need to face my weaknesses

  • Food and shopping. (I love shopping whether it’s for fun or I have a list and goals.)
  • Feeling guilty after bitchiness even someone deserves it. (I should only feel guilty if the person did not purposely push my buttons.)
  • Loneliness vs being semi-social. (I have to understand not everyone has such an open schedule like I do. However there are time where I am simply tired, focused, or just too drained than to talked to people.)