I’m exhausted. Sleep only happens in single cycles of 3 hours maybe more, here and there.
I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks and depression fighting me all weekend.
Nightmares of being abandoned and lost and confused. (My chest is getting tight just thinking of it.)
Past coming back to literally haunt me, but migraines beating me instead. Past on hold.
Chest heavy, breathing hard, panic catching in my throat.
Stomach turns, food comes from helping hands, but doesn’t help.
That is my weekend. I did manage to get to write pieces here and there. There is a light.
I believe the world needs harsh, realistic people. They need to be the “bulldogs ” and “bears.” I am a “bear” or “bulldog” if need to be. However I need someone who is understanding. I need someone who will encourage and support me, and let me do the same to them.
I was interested in this local guy, but once we really started texting I got to see his true colors. He believe I was using my health issues as an excuse. However he was not in my shoes to know what I have gone through and what I’m going through now. (Our views on helping family and being there for each other are very different.)
My head doesn’t stop. I’m always thinking, worrying, planning about something. (I probably over think, but that is another blog.) I am either barely sleep (due to nightmares, anxiety or hormones) or I over sleep like up 18 hours a day. I have endometriosis hyperplasia (long words for extreme female hormonal issues) anemia, board line diabetic, headaches, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and pstd.
I’m on my second therapist. I have several specialist. I am trying to better my health, but I know it is a daily struggle. I’m trying to find more people in my life as many of my friends have kids and are married. I don’t feel at many times I can relate. (Many have stop talking to me after my ex died.) I know I will find some support.
It was guys like this that makes me afraid to talk about my health problems.
I feel bad for this guy who sees this world so harshly. I hope he finds a kind-hearted, gentle, understanding woman, who makes him a better man just by being in his world. He needs some sunshine.
Things that make me happy
- Getting an a long e-mail
- Good Sex with lots of foreplay
- Hours of unbothered writing
- Writing 10,000 words in a day
- Finishing (reading) a good book
- A story with a good twist
- Not being able to predict something
- Going out
- Helping others
- Making others happy
- Cuddling with someone nice during a movie
- Kissing and making out
- Getting actual mail: letters and package
- Bubble bath
- Having energy
- A nice walk
- Lots of pillows and comfy bed
- Good night sleep
- Talking all night
- Going to the zoo
- Good Morning Greeting
- Spooning: I like the inner spoon
- A good tone male hairless chest
- A fit six pack ab
- Bright blue or blue-green eyes
- A nice smile
- Hair on the a guy’s head that I can run my hand through
- A night of card or board games with friends
1. A good cup of coffee
3. A Sweet text
4. Fried chicken
5. Soda-pop (pepsi)
6. New notebook
7. New colored pens
8. Clean clothes with tide
9. Clean sheets
10. First kiss
11. A good movie
12. A good book
13. Agood joke
15. Not having to put groceries back at the register
18. Writing a story
19. Finishing a writing project
21. Writing several blogs
22. A bubble bath
23. Going out
24. Ice cream
26. Dark Forest Cake
27. Time to write
29. Secretly dancing
30. Good night sleep
32. A good song
35. Body Spray
36. a long drive
Why does it seem lately that everything seems better in my head?
In my head: I wanted to go out to all you can eat wing place for my birthday and then have presents and dark forest cake afterward with part of my family and a few friends. There were would be laughs and good time with everyone.
Reality: I had several cats naps, because my sleep schedule is way off. Then for dinner a store bought pizza that wasn’t bad, but not what I wanted. I wanted a dark forest cake (chocolate and cherries), but what I got was a pumpkin pie that was just okay.
In my head: I am cuddling and getting massages with my boyfriend and playing with my cat.
Reality: I’m helping my ex without my cat.
In my head: I am touring promoting my books and give huge universe lectures on how to write a novel.
Reality: I can’t even write in my diary. Damn writer’s block.
Reality Vs Fantasy: Sometimes reality sucks.
Did I do something wrong?
Today I was in the mall and Walmart. . . normally no big deal but it was Black Friday.
They were not as crowded as I thought they would be.
I always thought it was like war and crazy people fighting each other for the last whatever was on sale. Maybe the movies make too much of the craziness. I never went shopping on Black Friday, because I thought the crowds would be crazy, the lines be long, and there would have been more violence. I didn’t want to get into a fight just because you save 40% on an item.
It was not like that at all, people were helpful, no fights, and lines were shorter than I thought. I did get a few gifts bought which was nice.
I even got to hang out with an old friend who is family and his beautiful fiancee and we also got china buffet. Sushi! Yum.
There is an ultimate fast food meal. I have always wanted to try.
Big Mac from Mc Donalds.
Seasoned Fries from Rallys.
Chocolate Frosty from Wendy’s
Pepsi Slushy from Sheets.
I love Chocolate.
- Any kind of Chocolate ice cream.
- Dark Forest Cake (Chocolate fudge and cherries)
- Chocolate milk
- Hot Chocolate
And the list could go on. . .
I usually will not past chocolate up. And if I do pass it up, those around me know I am not feeling well.
Chocolate helps my anxiety and depression sometimes.