I felt good all week but now. . .
It feels just another day.
I felt like my mind hyped it all for nothing.
I don’t feel any older or wiser.
Many of my online friends wished me a happy birthday early.
I’m getting a cake tomorrow.
My hair is funky and colorful.
I’ve done a lot within the year, but I still feel blah.
I hope Christmas goes better.
I’m taking part in 31 day self challenge. . . From http://www.7cups.com
That I posted here. . . https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/
Day 1: Self Esteem Challenge – List 10 things that you love about yourself. (Physical or personality)
1. My writing http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com
2. My musical ability
3. Giving nature
4. Strength
5. Control
6. Endurance
7. My hope
8. Sense of humor
9. My hair
10. My eyes
I posted a simple version of this on my therapy site 7 cups.
I’ve been to 2 therapists, one kept pushing a job, but I have energy issues.the second one kept saying most are my issues are hormonal.
My main thoughts in no particular order. . .
1. Are the different pieces of my family ok? My mom has her health issues. My dad side of he family still not talking to me. . . But I still think of them. My closest brother has health issues (but sometimes, I think he does better than me.). My one brother just got married and other just graduated with many options ahead for him. I have a very young sister, so young she could easily be my own daughter and yet, I haven’t gotten to bond with her. I rather play with the toddler than the infant. I have a sister-in-law who I wish I so could chat with more, but it all just turns into he-said, he-said drama.
2. When can we have our own space (My family and I?) (My mom, brother and uncle live in a very tight space, and it’s very crowded and not as fun as like the show “My Name is Earl.) I would just like my own desk, working computer, WiFi, and recliner to sleep in.
3. I can’t work, and a few doctors will write notes, but government facilities will not count it. (Stupid president killed that.) I can’t work, I can’t sleep right: I go to bed tired, I wake up tired. No one wants me to use those 5 hour vitamins shots, but it’s the only way I can function for errands.
4. I can’t lose weight due to hormones I’m taking and bad sleep issues. The body needs to be balanced and get right sleep in order to function correctly. I lose 5 pounds, but gain ten in water weight. I’m going to scream if I get more doctor thinking all of my health problems are based on me being overweight. I can’t work so I can’t buy decent groceries. Because of weight I feel I’m ugly and not worthy. . . My doctors or media do not help my self esteem.
5. I can go from sweet and caring to bitter and mean. I’m also losing the propper, politeness filter of saying things especially when I’m flustered. My family know I’m bruntly honest, and I try to watch for other’s feelings, but they call me the bear, because I can snap and growl for no reason. I’m afraid to date because it’s bad to snap for no reason in the middle of a date. I don’t know all of my triggers. I know it’s hormonal, and my doctors don’t seem to care.
6. My energy versus my “luck” versus my writing. I love to write, but my lights and computers keep breaking. . . I feel like fates are against me writing, why God/Goddess, why? Writing helps me release and express myself. I’m borrowing the third desk light from a neighbor. I have two computers: one broke in which wires are exposed, my other computer’s fan is broken and charger over heats. I’m using my mom tablet to write this because my tablet needs to be plugged in at all times and tries to run every program at once. (Even when I have them turned off, it’s like if my Wi-Fi is on, it tries to override my controls.)
7. Why can’t I have a cat? Cats help my anxiety, especially petting them when they purr. The current land lady doesn’t even want us feeding the old stray, friendly mama cat.
8. Where can I advertise my blogs? I feel I do not have enough readers and fans, but I feel Facebook pushes it too much.
https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/
9. Why am in pain at least 5 days out of week? Headaches, pelvic pains, sinus pains, back pains, hip pain. . . Cramping when it’s not even my lady time. WTH? What is wrong with me? (I will let the doctors do their tests, but they can’t say it’s my weight.) I feel I get passed from doctor to doctor (as if they don’t want me) leaving me with more questions than any solutions. . .
10. I am so easily distracted. I can’t mediate or focus without someone or something pulling away my attention, especially during the day. So I try to write between the hours of 11pm to 3am, sometimes later, but I have to have a day schedule on at least Friday’s and any day I have a doctor appointment.
11. I’m lonely. I am not sure why all my so-called friends left me once my ex died. Were they only his friends, and I was just along for the ride? If it wasnt for me, they wouldn’t have hung out as much. I rather have a bunch of friends that hug me (and sometimes understands me,) than a random boyfriend who will just cheat on me when he realize with my health issues I cannot give him physical intimacy.
12. Can, I please win the Mega millions jackpot? I mean. . .May I please win the Mega millions jackpot? God/Goddess, you know 66% (2/3rds) will go to help others just like we agreed. I need a place to call home again, preferable our old land with a new house on it. You know if I had the choice right now. . . I would choose money over love. (I had love with Tom, and now it’s my time to work on me and help others. PLEASE. Today, I am buying a lottery ticket, may it have the six winning lottery numbers on it, again, please.).
13. I’m tired of the constant depressed and anxious feelings. . . That instant feeling of doom just around the corner. I hate how I am instantly sad like I want to cry but no reason why. . . Or I snap without warning. Who would want a friend who can bite your head off figuratively speaking?
There are more problems but these are the main issues that constantly boil in my head . . . It’s hard to sleep when my mind doesn’t stop. Maybe since I vented, I can sleep better. . . We’ll see.
Now you may go back to regular scheduled program. . . Lol.
Why am I analyzing myself with the questionnaire questions and articles from Eharmony?
Note: for those who do not know Eharmony is a Christian online date site which uses many questions to figure out your just right partner if they have that person online too.
So why am I doing this (especially when I failed their questionaire twice and was kicked off the site once when I said I thought I was bi-curious.)
First, I I usually overanalyze most things and dating is not different. Some things I’ve overanalyzed, I’ve gotten right and other things I’ve learned from.
Second, I’m not doing this to date (yet), but I hope to learn more about myself. (If I find friends who get me or maybe Mr. Right-for-me, then awesome. I’m here to learn first.)
Third, I really love answering questions and talking surveys and quizzes about myself.
My mom used to tell that . . . “Opposite attract.” That might be right in science, but mom and dad were opposites and they didn’t last. (Its also probably why I argue with myself too. J/k lol.)
I think for partners, there needs some similarities and some differences to keep things interesting p. As long as they keep communication open and honest, that is what is most important.
I need to know myself and get my “stuff” together before I can get someone else involved in the chaotic fun that is me. Lol.
First of I am a bbw. . .Big Beautiful Woman. I am not a model or superstar. I am a writer who loves to cook, bake, cats, cuddle, and movies.
Secondly, I consider myself a D.U.F.F . . . most peoples designated ugly fat friend. . . I’m not ugly, but my truthful words can be. I rarely drink (its over a year) so I’m the sober friend that will tell you exactly how it is and most people are afraid to face it. (This one guy asked me why did he kept getting cheated on. . . he had a nice job and he was a too trusting guy. . the mean girls made him feel sexy, but they just used him for flirty money or a ride while they fuck a bad boys. I told him, they see a nice and they will use him. I also told him that he needed to find a nice yet creative girl; someone who likes to roleplay so she could pretend to be the mean girl. . .last I heard he was married 5 years now with two kids.)
I was in a relationship with a creative geek, and I’m seeking another, locally. Someone totally into me and can calm me down when I get anxious and nervous. Someone who let’s me call the shots, but I still feel safe with.
I’ve tried plenty of fish, match, Eharmony, OkCupid etc.
Okcupid— If I didn’t mention something sexual, my profile barely got looked at. I’ve dealt with drunken horn-dogs and forgeign guys asking me to marry them for visas. The owners of this site did get better with finding those and created selective searches which helped. However the horn-dogs are still on their.
Match— its nice for the first 5 days while you have a platinum trial, but after then, its like they push to buy silver pack or gold pack you need to see more like if Joe B. likes you. I’ve seen sites say you have three admirers, but you must pay in order to see them. When did love cost so much? Isn’t greedy to put a price on your heart? I guess love really is a luxury. If I had 29.95 per month, I wouldn’t put it on a “what if Joe B.gets my four line email.”. . . I can put it on groceries, a pet, gas, bills, movies, save for a vacation etc.
Craig’s list— I did try this a few times. I met one guy and found a lot of horny catfish. The one guy complained about everything, but he could have whatever he wanted. . . but nothing made him happy. I hope he finds happiness. (Note: there was too many illegal things going on with the sex trade, so they closed their personals.)
Plenty of fish were full of the wannabe busy bad boy who just wanted a good time instead of a relationship. I probably sent 6 dozen messages, but I rarely got a message back. When I did, I got called names like pig, cow, fuggly bitch etc. Or I would get messages from married men wanting a secret relationship or I even caught a few catfish. (They complain that their wives or girlfriends didn’t want sex since the baby was born, but I never those guys helping their partner take care of the kids or get a family member to watch while they a nice hotel for relaxation and rest. Pamper and romance your girls, damnit!)
Eharmony— I failed their test twice. They claim that only happens to like 7% but I think its more. I read this article, and its happened more than not. . .
“How Do You Get Rejected By Eharmony? Start By Telling the Truth.”
Susan Isaacs
http://storylineblog.com/2013/08/07/how-do-you-get-rejected-by-eharmony-start-by-telling-the-truth/
Eharmony christian robots are a very small group.
(Note: I’ve tried other Christian sites, and as much as I believe in Jesus Christ, I have many other beliefs which clash with many beliefs of the stricter Christian churches. For example, I believe in women dominants as much as men, and that charity is like pass it forward, help those in need, you don’t just have to work through a Church for it to count. Jesus did most of his ministry in the streets. So Christian sites don’t work for me. I will post a future blog getting more into this.)
However Eharmony and this lovely lady’s article inspired me.
Eharmony used to ask like 100-200 questions in 24-25 different sections of your daily life. . . I researched this, and I will explain on this sections and such throughout the month of August.
I got rejected twice so this way I can still get my answers out.
Please do not think, I am telling not to try online dating, but it has been more frustrating than hopeful for me.
This is strictly coming a bigger set female hopeful to find other people in the world who understand her. I’m not even seeking love at the moment.
As mentioned in my previous blog, I discovered a difference in being alone and be lonely.
Last month I made a release book. . . (I bought a cheap composition notebook, and I released everything. . . my hopes, dreams, fears, heartache, worries. . . then I reread it and ripped it to shreds. Normally I would burn it, but my current living situation will not allow that.) I felt lighter, but I learned about myself in the process.
With it, I deleted accounts that were wasting my life like plentyoffish or other personals. I kept getting the same horny guy or a guy to ask advice for another girl or the catfish (yes, I’ve caught my share, sigh.)
I have learned I need to love me first. I started working on my novel again.
I’m content writing in my own world.
The world feels so open and amazing.
After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.
I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)
However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.
I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.
I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.
Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.
I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.
I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.
I love to write. The feel of a good pen in my hands as it glides on the page. It invites the words, the color, the creativity.
However my hands have been swelling and cramping for weeks now. I tried water pills, but I sleep and they are swollen again. There are cramps as I write. Pushing down on my palm hurts, moving it too much hurts.
It hurts to hold a pen or a fork. It hurts to make a fist. These damn cramps. I probably have arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome.
I refuse to give up my writing. I felt due my ear issue, I had give up music. I’m not giving up my writing too.
Maybe I can get my computer fixed soon . . . So I can type more.
I’m going to the doctor soon.
My love of music is a blessing and a curse. . . It depends on the song and my mood.
I can either take on the world or cry hiding in a hole. . . Depending on how the song pushed my emotions. It could make me laugh or haunt me with a bitter memory of my past.
Music is always something I go to no matter emotion I feel. It is expressive for me and I can make a play list for anytime in my life. Sometime a song just says the words, that I cannot get out of my head.
I was originally a music major in college. I found out that I had inner ear problem on my right ear and it made it hard to play one thing and sing another. I changed my major because of my ear, so music is a bittersweet thing for me.
In my head 