Days 29 to 31

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

Day 29: What do you think of your teeth and your smile? Do you like them and if so, why? If not, how can you view them more positively?

I used to love my teeth. When I was young I had them capped due to issues I had when I slept, but the caps started to chip a few years back. I need to get them done again, but my dentist is pushing every procedure but it.Sigh.

I used to sing and I used to have a big toothy smile, but now not so much.

My face is the first thing people usually noticed about me and yes i do have teeth problems, but majority are in the back of my mouth. I’m very apprehensive about the whole thing. I hate pain, and many times my teeth hurt

Day 30 Validation is important to our self-esteem. Do others encourage you? If not, what are some ways that you can ask them to so your self-esteem.

My family does help and those who read my writing and blog. . That comment really help my self esteem. It feels like a confirmation that I’m meant to be writing. (Esspecially when I have those who thinks it’s unstable and I’m wasting time writing too much.)

I give myself goals and rewards for myself.

Day 31. Rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1-10?

It was -5 on my lowest day, but currently I’m at 7.

Has your self-esteem improved?

I have learned about myself. I’ve also learned that I am valuable. My sleep issues make my depression and anxiety feel bigger than they are.

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Days 24 and 25

Day 24 and 25

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

Note: the main person who posted the questions was away from her computer yesterday, so I decided to post Day 24 the way she had posted the previous days and she messaged me asking if I would like to write posts for the page. (Dances! I know it’s not a paying thing, but it helps my writing resume.)

Day 24: Do you compare yourself to others? How can you be more focused on yourself?

I used to all of the time, and sometimes when I’m sleep deprived I still will. (I’m horrible with Facebook and looking up old school mates. I see their hopeful,my healthy families and busy lives and wonder if kids are worth it. I have so many mood and mental issues, I’m afraid I would ruin a boyfriend . . . I know I would screw up a kid. Sighs.)

I try to focus on things I love Writing, cooking, and cats.

Day 25: If you met a person that was just like you, would you like them? If so, why? If not, how could you view the person more positively?

I would find myself interesting and if can both remain calm we would have some good conversations. However i do NOT have the patience for myself. (I really don’t know how my family does it with my grotchiness and mood swings.)

I rather communicate to them through writing. If they are me we would both be doing online at 3 am in the morning.

My own defintions

I’m on http://www.7cups.com and they ask me to define the following words. . .

Depression, sadness, pain, mental illness, and mental health:

depression is stuck in a state of sadness or negativity, sometimes it paralyzing

sadness lack or losing happiness like a balloon losing air

pain uncomfort or a moment which the mind cannot understand the body

mental illness the accumulation of knowledge to know within the mind something is wrong (Note: I never said normal, that is just a setting on appliances)

mental health is knowledge and ways to improve and make the mental state of mind calmer, possibly better

In addition

Anxiety when repeating thought haunt me so much, they twist themselves into bigger worries than they really are

Anti-kid zone

I do not want kids. I like sleeping in. I like going out. I like to write without “butthead is hitting me.” “He called me a butthead”

Please do not tell me that you’ll spoil me and only me, but secretly leave your kids hanging. (If you are a kid person, please do not have more than you can afford. Please don’t make you or them struggle for food or a roof over your head.)

I’m not mean to be mom or a step mom, and I do not want to be. I’ve learned the “I love your dad and I want us to be friends. . . It is very tricky.

(I also don’t go to the bar or other locations and take any random guy home. I am dominant, monogamous, demisexual, saphiosexual, and grey sexual. This means I’m seeking a smart, submissive boyfriend for a female led relationship possible marriage. I’m seeking more of the relationship than the sex. The grey sexual part means I’m picky in who I am attracted to. I have health issues, in which I cannot physically enjoy sex. So it’s really going to take someone over special to not want kids or sex.)

Currently, I’m seeking friends, around my age, but preferably those without kids. . . It’s not your fault or your kids fault, but I’m going down a path with no kids in it. This is a very rare find, I know. ( I write about ghosts, vampires, violence, and sex . . . Mature audiences only.)

I just want to enjoy a night without a call from the babysitter or without the million stories of how Jr walked early or how he looks like the mail man which he has cussed out.

If you have kids, please seek someone else. I think you should find those with kids too, so you can plan fun dates with and without your kids. (Just a suggestion. . . )

_______________________________________

I was not always against kids, but I got burnt out in college. (When my last obygn told me that I have like a less than a 5% chance of having a healthy, complete pregnancy, I knew kids are not in my cards.)

My first story that freaked me out with infant was when I changed my brother. I was 12 and my stepmother was going to Wal-Mart, she was only going to be gone 20 minutes, but of course during that time my brother decided to mess in his diaper. He was about 6 months, the age where they roll and crawl. I found the last diaper, put it on the couch, put him on the couch, but I lost the baby wipes. . . Grrr. I was looking for the damn wipes. I found them, he was only rocking back and forth, but still on the couch.

I took off his dirty diaper and clean up but then the clean diaper was gone. I moved him, but it was not under him. I put him back on the couch as I look behind the couch I heard a splat and the a shrieking cry. My baby brother had rolled off the couch on to the hard wooden floor. I grab the baby and the diaper on the floor as it was under the couch.

I put him on the couch, and checked him head to toe. . . There were no bumps, no bruises. He was okay. I’m freaking out still which was why he was still crying. I put his diaper on him and tried to call him down.

Once she got home, I told my stepmother who checks him over and give me a mixture of laughter, yelling, lecturing me (as if she was communicating me with different personalities, I felt like I was talking to Glenda the good witch, the wicked witch, and a mama dragon.) Then my stepmother said “I’m telling your father.” I’m freaking out crying in the shower thinking I’m going to get grounded because I am not responsible, because my stepmother is going to make it sound that I wanted to hurt my baby brother. . . In reality it was just accident.

I told my dad when he got home, he looked over my brother, and just said “be more careful next time.”

(It didn’t help that I had just hit by a car months before this incident.

I can’t hold a baby or change a baby under a year without freaking out in fear I’ll hurt that one too. I’m too nervous, scared, and anxious that I’m accidently going to hurt anyone else’s kid.

I dont know how I managed to take care of my youngest brother, but from the moment I got my first drivers tempts I blocked out from the years 15 and half to almost 18.)

My younger brothers were usually well-behaved boys who knew their “pleases” and “thank yous.” (I liked to think my walks and cars and cookies bribes were teaching in that.)

If I just had my brothers after school, I would probably still want kids, especially like them.

However, I would have help with breakfast, mornings (I’m not a morning person), when I got home school, and if I didn’t have to work. My average school day, get up, help make boys breakfast, eat breakfast, get them dressed, go to school, get home, watch the boys, try to get homework done, make dinner, eat, bath boys, shower, finish homework, sleep repeat. (I rarely had time to myself or with my friends. . . All because my stepmother had back and depression problems that mixed with a biological clock.)

My dad pushed the education major so when I had ear problems and couldn’t finish my music major, so I logically switched. I was good with my brothers, so I thought I would be good with kids. I’m not sure what precalculas had to do with teaching junior high math. . . But I was first Math and English teacher. . . I got a multi-varible calculas professor trying to teach me as if I know what kind of math that was. . . So I changed to early education. . . At the time I was volunteering for my brother’s elementary class. His classmates were all sweet and most were very helpful. I did enjoy it, but I don’t know if I could emotionally handle getting attached to kids for a year and them having to let them go.

At the time, I would voluteer once a month for nursery at the church, the toddler side, not infant side. My stepmother got sick one week so I took her week (as parents who use it are supposed to volunteer once every six weeks in order to allow everyone to attend service.) Then my stepmother started to volunteer me for her friends to, saying it looked good on my educational resume. However this happened for over seven months in which I never got to go to service. (My dad finally caught on and made sure I stopped volunteering as I was getting taken advantaged of.)

At the time, I was taking early education courses only to find out as soon as I finished them the main college said everything I learned was out of date and they had newer lessons and I were to repeat three of my courses in order to keep early childhood education major. However I was not to get any refunds or credits for previous classes. I had not been out with anyone my age for months and burned, I had a break down. I changed my major to English as if too me 6 years to get a basic Associate of Arts.

I have been diagnosed with high anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and PTSD. . . I do not want that around kids.

I rather just have cats, maybe a dog or two, but that is another blog.

I learned babysitting with one than one kid is good birth control.

I learned I will always goid to Hell and back for anyone of my siblings.

Things that keep me up at night. . .

I posted a simple version of this on my therapy site 7 cups.

I’ve been to 2 therapists, one kept pushing a job, but I have energy issues.the second one kept saying most are my issues are hormonal.

My main thoughts in no particular order. . .

1. Are the different pieces of my family ok? My mom has her health issues. My dad side of he family still not talking to me. . . But I still think of them. My closest brother has health issues (but sometimes, I think he does better than me.). My one brother just got married and other just graduated with many options ahead for him. I have a very young sister, so young she could easily be my own daughter and yet, I haven’t gotten to bond with her. I rather play with the toddler than the infant. I have a sister-in-law who I wish I so could chat with more, but it all just turns into he-said, he-said drama.

2. When can we have our own space (My family and I?) (My mom, brother and uncle live in a very tight space, and it’s very crowded and not as fun as like the show “My Name is Earl.) I would just like my own desk, working computer, WiFi, and recliner to sleep in.

3. I can’t work, and a few doctors will write notes, but government facilities will not count it. (Stupid president killed that.) I can’t work, I can’t sleep right: I go to bed tired, I wake up tired. No one wants me to use those 5 hour vitamins shots, but it’s the only way I can function for errands.

4. I can’t lose weight due to hormones I’m taking and bad sleep issues. The body needs to be balanced and get right sleep in order to function correctly. I lose 5 pounds, but gain ten in water weight. I’m going to scream if I get more doctor thinking all of my health problems are based on me being overweight. I can’t work so I can’t buy decent groceries. Because of weight I feel I’m ugly and not worthy. . . My doctors or media do not help my self esteem.

5. I can go from sweet and caring to bitter and mean. I’m also losing the propper, politeness filter of saying things especially when I’m flustered. My family know I’m bruntly honest, and I try to watch for other’s feelings, but they call me the bear, because I can snap and growl for no reason. I’m afraid to date because it’s bad to snap for no reason in the middle of a date. I don’t know all of my triggers. I know it’s hormonal, and my doctors don’t seem to care.

6. My energy versus my “luck” versus my writing. I love to write, but my lights and computers keep breaking. . . I feel like fates are against me writing, why God/Goddess, why? Writing helps me release and express myself. I’m borrowing the third desk light from a neighbor. I have two computers: one broke in which wires are exposed, my other computer’s fan is broken and charger over heats. I’m using my mom tablet to write this because my tablet needs to be plugged in at all times and tries to run every program at once. (Even when I have them turned off, it’s like if my Wi-Fi is on, it tries to override my controls.)

7. Why can’t I have a cat? Cats help my anxiety, especially petting them when they purr. The current land lady doesn’t even want us feeding the old stray, friendly mama cat.

8. Where can I advertise my blogs? I feel I do not have enough readers and fans, but I feel Facebook pushes it too much.

https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/

9. Why am in pain at least 5 days out of week? Headaches, pelvic pains, sinus pains, back pains, hip pain. . . Cramping when it’s not even my lady time. WTH? What is wrong with me? (I will let the doctors do their tests, but they can’t say it’s my weight.) I feel I get passed from doctor to doctor (as if they don’t want me) leaving me with more questions than any solutions. . .

10. I am so easily distracted. I can’t mediate or focus without someone or something pulling away my attention, especially during the day. So I try to write between the hours of 11pm to 3am, sometimes later, but I have to have a day schedule on at least Friday’s and any day I have a doctor appointment.

11. I’m lonely. I am not sure why all my so-called friends left me once my ex died. Were they only his friends, and I was just along for the ride? If it wasnt for me, they wouldn’t have hung out as much. I rather have a bunch of friends that hug me (and sometimes understands me,) than a random boyfriend who will just cheat on me when he realize with my health issues I cannot give him physical intimacy.

12. Can, I please win the Mega millions jackpot? I mean. . .May I please win the Mega millions jackpot? God/Goddess, you know 66% (2/3rds) will go to help others just like we agreed. I need a place to call home again, preferable our old land with a new house on it. You know if I had the choice right now. . . I would choose money over love. (I had love with Tom, and now it’s my time to work on me and help others. PLEASE. Today, I am buying a lottery ticket, may it have the six winning lottery numbers on it, again, please.).

13. I’m tired of the constant depressed and anxious feelings. . . That instant feeling of doom just around the corner. I hate how I am instantly sad like I want to cry but no reason why. . . Or I snap without warning. Who would want a friend who can bite your head off figuratively speaking?

There are more problems but these are the main issues that constantly boil in my head . . . It’s hard to sleep when my mind doesn’t stop. Maybe since I vented, I can sleep better. . . We’ll see.

Now you may go back to regular scheduled program. . . Lol.

A long time to be in the shadows. . .

I’ve had anxiety has been since grade school. . . Started with test anxiety and dealing with a very hot-tempered father. I wanted to have good grades to impress my family at first. (I am not sure if I did.)

I struggled at times with tests, I knew the info, but my nerves would have the worst in me. Speeches always made me nervous, but I’m not sure why . . . Probably the grades stay on my record and my record is important for college. . . In which did help me get full grants . . . I have Associate of Arts collecting dust.

I enjoyed the challenge of college, but unlike high school, studying and notes are not always just given to you. No one is going to push you to study. I think they should have a Saturday class to see if you are college material. If you can handle the classes, a job, plus college extras. .. I’m just saying college to me was made up of my own made self-pushing and anxiety. I always want to excel.

Currently my anxiety deals with new people and new situation, I’m afraid to start over only to get hurt again. (It’s a common fear, but how do I get over it?)

I do feel my anxiety and depression goes hand in hand. I get nervous because I try so hard to make others happy, to please others, to get them to like me. . . and when they do not like me, I get depressed. (I know not everyone is going to like me. I can be a moody person, but I am helper, honest, and one of the most loyal people I know. So I know if you don’t like me, it’s not my lost, there will be others.)

Depression is shorter (as I have not been depressed as much as simply worried) , it started probably end of high school. The snowball probably started with my ex- stepmother threatening my hot-tempered father on me when things didn’t go her way. I was always a people pleaser, and if I couldn’t please them, then my self esteem would lower and I believe my depression developed. (I know now that the only one I can please is myself.)

My depression now is from lack of friends and a love life, mixed with my unbalanced emotional, mood swings from female issues. I guess I need to get out more.

  • I feel like I can stand in a crowded room and no one would understand me.
  • I feel like I can clearly blog my every emotion and yet I still feel alone and misunderstood.

I have several moments in my life that cause ptsd.

Car issues 1995, 1999, and 2016

Adult issues 2005, 2007, 2016

Emotional issues 2005-2006, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2016-2017

PTSD issues, I don’t feel like getting into details at this time.

Weird

Since I accidentally posted on my previous blog, I’ve gotten more readers, so I’m doing more blogs on that blog. (More fan fiction, maybe personal stories, poems, rants etc)

I’m in my own world, but its ok they know me there

I do plan to work on blog series about online dating on this blog.

I also will work on my muses on my writing blog.

author blog Rebekah Quinne

So please check out all three blogs.

August will be my blog writing month.