My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .
My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.
Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.
I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.
However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.
Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.
This was a metaphor. . .
I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.
I’ve learned a few things. . .
- There are a few things that make me happy.
- There are people that support me.
- This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
- Hope is a very good thing.
- Coffee is liquid hope.
- Creative cooking is fun.
- I am responsible for me and my life.
- Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
- I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
- Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
- I need to let go and move on.
- I love to write.
My time of day is off.
My energy is off. . .
Im just off. . . It’s because I’m worried.
I’m worried because my mom is the hospital waiting on medical specialists to figure out what to do with her inopratiable hernia. She now has a small obstruction, so I just hope they can fix it.
Meanwhile I’m doing her work and my work on lots of caffeine . . . Mostly coffee.
I would be with my mom, but I have a procedure I’ve scheduled six weeks ago to figure out my own health problems. Sigh.
I’m going crazy, and I’m mentally off. My mom issues just make my problems seem so trivial right now. I hope to get things figured out.
My Bad Habits
1. “I’m sorry.” I will say it even if I did nothing wrong. If the situation is wrong or bad. “I’m sorry.” Are the few words that come out of my mouth as if it’s my fault, it rained or that hot woman didn’t like you. It’s a bad force of the habit. I am the oldest of my siblings… and if something went wrong … it was my instant go to.
However I will not simply accept “I’m sorry,” or flower (I prefer candy or notebooks and pens.) for an apology especially if a person does not tell me what they are sorry about.
2. Over thinking… I question everything and if I have to rethink my questions and ideas … I wonder if my original ideas were right or wrong… I have talked myself out dates, meeting people, new experiences, jobs, writing projects. Please do NOT make me rethink my ideas.
I try myself to follow my hunches (gut), hearts, and then head… in that order.
3. I’m too soft. I feel I give in to easily, because I do not want to be alone. I have done stuff or meet people that I know don’t fit just because I want to get out. I need to stop this.
4. I keep blaming my health. I got dealt a weird and weak hand with life. I have to stop blaming myself for bad health and get creative. My health can impact my moodiness. I really need to stop hiding behind my health problems.
5. I can be lazy. I can write for hours or walk over a mile but I hate to clean. I simply blame my laziness. My laziness can talk me out of doing things… it’s hard to motivate myself when I simply do not want to do something.
6. I love food, and it can be a weakness such as going to my favorite restaurant. I love to cook, bake, and having nice dinner parties (nothing fancy just friends, food, games and movies.) It is a weakness to me, and lately it’s one of my only motivation which is sad.
I need to face my weaknesses…
- Food and shopping. (I love shopping whether it’s for fun or I have a list and goals.)
- Feeling guilty after bitchiness even someone deserves it. (I should only feel guilty if the person did not purposely push my buttons.)
- Loneliness vs being semi-social. (I have to understand not everyone has such an open schedule like I do. However there are time where I am simply tired, focused, or just too drained than to talked to people.)
I’m lonely, but I’m not stupid. I will not meet up with someone who does not show me their picture. It can be anyone.
We post pics all over media. . . Facebook, personals, blogs etc.
Please send a pic and may it really be you.
I hate the excuses. . .
- Work won’t allow it, then take it at home.
- My family doesn’t know, then email it to me. (I delete pics if the guy doesn’t work out, why should I keep pics of guys who aren’t meant for me?)
- My phone is new and I have no pic. Then take a pic.
If you are hiding something, please just leave alone. I only want open and honest people in my life.
This is me.
I do enjoy sleep when I have good dreams and the air is just right not too hot or too cold. The blanket is comfy and smells good. I wake up actually feeling refreshed.
This usually only happens maybe 1 time out every 50.
I usually wake up stiff, tired or exhausted (like I didn’t sleep at all). I’ve either hot, cold, in pain, with a headache. . . Or have to wake up due to my bladder or panic attack or choking with breathing problems.
Sometimes I can sleep for 12 hours and feel like I had not slept all. Sometimes I can run all day on four good hours of sleep, again, this is rare. My depression makes me want to sleep even more and not get out of bed.
I have sleep apnea where I do not get enough air in or out. I snore very loud, get dry mouth, grind my teeth, wake up with jaw pain, and headaches.
Apnea makes me wake up choking, my lips to be blue due to lack of oxygen, my head is foggy and it’s hard to focus, my eyes twitch, my eyes are heavy. I get migraines and my stomach don’t settle.
My animea makes me exhausted. I was so tired from the lack of blood cells that I have choked on my food several times.
Caffeine or lack of caffeine really screws me up. If I drink coffee or energy (no ginsing) at the wrong times and my day and night schedules are off.
My anxiety fills my head will ideas and I’m up with insomnia, but I am usually a zombie.
With all of these problems sleep is hard for me.
Ironic this writing assignment is over a week late to deadline (anniversary of Toms death January 13th.) The irony is that it was usually Tom nagging me, pushing me to finish my writing on time. Another ironic thing is Interview with a Vampire is playing in the background. Tom’s favorite movie.
Tom’s Dream Funeral
I lived with Tom for 8 years. . . I like to believe you get to know someone really well in 8 years.
As lovely and simple as the real funeral was . . . it was not what Tom would have wanted. He told first of all, he wanted to be biodiamonds. He wanted to be made into jewelry for those closest to him. I would have requested a ring for my middle finger on right hand. The right hand is my dominant and he taught me to say “fuck it” sometimes.
I think it would be in the woods with candles, latter’s and huge bonfire. We have a fake body in which we burn while celebrating him moving into a different realm. We drink, eat, listen to his favorite classic rock music. We sit around the fire and tell stories of him.
What I miss the most, I’ll never find anyone as passionate as he was. He bold, daring, loud, and rambunctious. There was rarely a dull moment with him. Whether it was him yelling at TV over wrestling or football or passionate reciting Lestat quotes from Anne Rice.
I also think I never got to appreciate the way he should have been. He taught me so much about love, hope, dreams, support, and passionate. I hope he knows he will always be remembered for his liveliness.