Sigh.

Between PTSD and depression, I have not been happy.

I’ve tried sims, cooking and the rest of my content list. . .

1. Listening to music

2. Comfortably writing for hours

3. Soda pop

4. Shopping

5. Walking

6. Getting out or dinning out

7. Talking to friends

8. Cats

9. Watching funny TV

10. Going to the movies

I just can’t get or find happiness. Why?

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RIP Tom

Ironic this writing assignment is over a week late to deadline (anniversary of Toms death January 13th.) The irony is that it was usually Tom nagging me, pushing me to finish my writing on time. Another ironic thing is Interview with a Vampire is playing in the background. Tom’s favorite movie.

Tom’s Dream Funeral

I lived with Tom for 8 years. . . I like to believe you get to know someone really well in 8 years.

As lovely and simple as the real funeral was . . . it was not what Tom would have wanted. He told first of all, he wanted to be biodiamonds. He wanted to be made into jewelry for those closest to him. I would have requested a ring for my middle finger on right hand. The right hand is my dominant and he taught me to say “fuck it” sometimes.

I think it would be in the woods with candles, latter’s and huge bonfire. We have a fake body in which we burn while celebrating him moving into a different realm. We drink, eat, listen to his favorite classic rock music. We sit around the fire and tell stories of him.

What I miss the most, I’ll never find anyone as passionate as he was. He bold, daring, loud, and rambunctious. There was rarely a dull moment with him. Whether it was him yelling at TV over wrestling or football or passionate reciting Lestat quotes from Anne Rice.

I also think I never got to appreciate the way he should have been. He taught me so much about love, hope, dreams, support, and passionate. I hope he knows he will always be remembered for his liveliness.

my prayers

He had a full haunted book shelf

Tom got me into so many things vampires, ghost, Paganism, and new age. His book shelf was full of these catorgies. 
I love how we used to read together. 

We both studied and celebrated Paganism and exploring the dark spiritual realm. 

I never had someone love my food so much.

Tom would get excited over whatever I made whether it was grilled cheese with tomato soup or super chocolate cake. He loved my desserts. . .

I made him a five layer cake for one birthday.

I made my own fontant. 

This was the leftover Halloween candy cake.

My family recipe pineapple upside down cake. 

Tom was a gamer

Tom had many hobbies he was passionate about. . .

1. He always loved wrestling. Ever time I liked a wrestler, they ended up hurt. He liked how I would yell at the TV. 

2. He loved video games. He played a lit skyrim and diablo. 

3. He loved playing Dungeons and Dragons 3.5. 

4. He also got me into football. We were Browns first. Then I went Saints and he was into Titans. 

Tom was a rock n roller

I have a secret, I usually take music from whoever I’m with. Tom grow up with classic rock growing up. He was so passionate about it he got me into liking most of it. 

He even had long hair like a rocker.

He even had a leather jacket.

He loved Ozzy and Motley Crue