Day 18: Talking

Day 18: Do you like the way you talk? If so, why? If not, how can you view it more positively?

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

If you know me, I can swear and I’m not pc. (I Wil not cuss around those I know don’t like it or if I have to sound professional.) However I am so honest that many people stop asking questions. . .if you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask me.

I can’t be blunt, but whether people want to hear, sometimes they need to hear.

I try to be positive when I think and talk, I just find negative people trying to burst my bubble

Furbabies

Growing up, my sibling and I were raised that our pets, were not just animals but they were a part of the family. They were family members. We always had at least a cat or dog. . . Sometimes we have rabbits or hamsters too. However most cats and dome dogs were furry babies, I can depend on to talk ur snuggle. The animals do listen and communicate back.

I was snuggling with a cat at age of 6 months, my parents have pictures if me in my baby photo album cuddling with my first cat, Spooky, she was a black Siamese. She got wild: she would hiss and scratch, and they took her to a farm. (My grandpa actually did, the same farm, he got his watermelons, he sold at his fruit stand.)

My first dog was a corgi named hopeless. She died when she got hit by a car . . . I was 7, my parents took it hard.

Mama was my second cat a miniature torishell, she had Orange, an orange tiger, who can open doors. She also had Joey (a grey tiger) and Roshell (torishell) who cuddled with each other.

Our second dog was a Keeshond, Bear, a grey fuzzy winter dog, hair everywhere. . . Who knocked down the Christmas tree the first day home as a puppy. It was sad to see him go. We had him 15 years, easy.

My dad go more corgis, were had four in the last ten years. One of the claimed my youngest brother. Ten years later, he had to put her down. It was hard, but it made him tough.

I had one of my favorite Mona a miniature caico, who loved my brother’s cat Dirty Dog, an orange tiger. (My brother has claimed all orange cats.) He was originally Sir Doughnut after eating an entire doughnut bigger than he was after eating weed when he was a kitten. Dirty would talk to me and would argue with Mona. my mom would feed Dirty, but he would burping my brother’s face.

I loved the other cats I had Sybelle who thought she was better than all, and Armand who was brother to Mona. Armand ran away.

I had MoMo for almost a year, but she by herself had anxiety whenever I would leave to do errands. So I sent her to a family that had other cats, because she needed to know that she was not alone.

My current cat that I miss is elmo. I helped heal him with an eye infection.

I am currently in a living situation in which I cannot have a cat. They help my anxiety, and I can cuddle with them.

We have a stray, I also call Mama. We got someone to take her kittens, but they said she was too wild, but I’m not supposed to feed her. It kills me.

I don’t want kids. https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/09/11/anti-kid-zone/

However I do want a few fur babies. I hope to find a guy who love cats and some dogs like I do. Someone who will help take care of them and let them sleep with us in bed.

I hope to get out of my live-in situation soon, so I can have my cats again.
They help me with my anxiety and depression. They are not just my fur babies, but my friends. They are the third thing that makes me happy. . . (1. Writing, 2. Good food, 3. Cats)

A long time to be in the shadows. . .

I’ve had anxiety has been since grade school. . . Started with test anxiety and dealing with a very hot-tempered father. I wanted to have good grades to impress my family at first. (I am not sure if I did.)

I struggled at times with tests, I knew the info, but my nerves would have the worst in me. Speeches always made me nervous, but I’m not sure why . . . Probably the grades stay on my record and my record is important for college. . . In which did help me get full grants . . . I have Associate of Arts collecting dust.

I enjoyed the challenge of college, but unlike high school, studying and notes are not always just given to you. No one is going to push you to study. I think they should have a Saturday class to see if you are college material. If you can handle the classes, a job, plus college extras. .. I’m just saying college to me was made up of my own made self-pushing and anxiety. I always want to excel.

Currently my anxiety deals with new people and new situation, I’m afraid to start over only to get hurt again. (It’s a common fear, but how do I get over it?)

I do feel my anxiety and depression goes hand in hand. I get nervous because I try so hard to make others happy, to please others, to get them to like me. . . and when they do not like me, I get depressed. (I know not everyone is going to like me. I can be a moody person, but I am helper, honest, and one of the most loyal people I know. So I know if you don’t like me, it’s not my lost, there will be others.)

Depression is shorter (as I have not been depressed as much as simply worried) , it started probably end of high school. The snowball probably started with my ex- stepmother threatening my hot-tempered father on me when things didn’t go her way. I was always a people pleaser, and if I couldn’t please them, then my self esteem would lower and I believe my depression developed. (I know now that the only one I can please is myself.)

My depression now is from lack of friends and a love life, mixed with my unbalanced emotional, mood swings from female issues. I guess I need to get out more.

  • I feel like I can stand in a crowded room and no one would understand me.
  • I feel like I can clearly blog my every emotion and yet I still feel alone and misunderstood.

I have several moments in my life that cause ptsd.

Car issues 1995, 1999, and 2016

Adult issues 2005, 2007, 2016

Emotional issues 2005-2006, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2016-2017

PTSD issues, I don’t feel like getting into details at this time.

Bad Habits Part 2

Bad Habits Part 1 heres the link from part 1.
I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes.

I’m far from perfect, but I feel the more I write, the more I learn about myself.

I worry alot (over thinking doesn’t help.) I hate being out of control. If I can’t control something, I over think, over worry and then bite my nails and over eating to try and calm myself down. It usually ends in a stomache or headache

I feel have to plan and be in control. I feel better when I plan. Even though 90% of the time, nothing goes as planned. I love outlining, but my muses and character usually run the story their own ways. I love to make lists: chores, menus, take out orders, errands, grocery, budgeting with bills etc.

I love food. I mentioned in this in part 1, but I forgot the worst part of this habit is that I eat late at night. We joke I’m a vampire. Lol. I watch food network, and I get hungry. We have trying to only watching the food network in the afternoon or during meals.

I feel I have to come with a warning. . . . I can snap at any second for any reason. My mood swings are crazy. I’ve tried talking to several doctors and therapists. The therapist push it to the doctors, and the doctors push it to the therapists. It’s been over two years, and I haven’t gotten past a second date.

I am not a bad person. In fact, I’m the most honest and loyal person, I know.

I’m trying to fix myself. (I’m work in process. Perfection is boring.)

I am working on my current weaknesses. . .

I hate to clean, but with the right energy and good cleaning products, I have cleaned a bathroom pretty good. My bedroom and a kitchen are two rooms I hate to clean. I hate bed making, it can never get flat or even; I tuck in one side and I pull out the other. (But I love clean fresh tide-smelling sheets.)

Clothes wise, I don’t like to sew, cannot stay in a straight line. I also hate ironing. (I don’t dress up, so I need to do either.) I will throw a damp towel in a dryer with my wrinkled clothes so I don’t have to use the iron. I love folding towels, but I hate folding shirts. I am just bad with the sleeves. I am not a fan of laundry. It usually stays in the washer until, I remember or look on my do-to list.

My sleep schedule (my sleep apnea makes thinks worst for me.) Makes a lot of thing hard for me . . . Working a 9 to 5 schedule, day schedule period, (I seem to have the most energy between 8pm to 2am), it’s harder to heal, and harder to control my moods. (I plan to get a cpap machine soon. I hope will get more energy during the day. Coffee and soda are my main sources of energy, right now.)

However I do NOT believe I am over honest or that I write too much.

Analyzing Me with Eharmony

Why am I analyzing myself with the questionnaire questions and articles from Eharmony?

Note: for those who do not know Eharmony is a Christian online date site which uses many questions to figure out your just right partner if they have that person online too.

So why am I doing this (especially when I failed their questionaire twice and was kicked off the site once when I said I thought I was bi-curious.)

First, I I usually overanalyze most things and dating is not different. Some things I’ve overanalyzed, I’ve gotten right and other things I’ve learned from.

Second, I’m not doing this to date (yet), but I hope to learn more about myself. (If I find friends who get me or maybe Mr. Right-for-me, then awesome. I’m here to learn first.)

Third, I really love answering questions and talking surveys and quizzes about myself.

My mom used to tell that . . . “Opposite attract.” That might be right in science, but mom and dad were opposites and they didn’t last. (Its also probably why I argue with myself too. J/k lol.)

I think for partners, there needs some similarities and some differences to keep things interesting p. As long as they keep communication open and honest, that is what is most important.

I need to know myself and get my “stuff” together before I can get someone else involved in the chaotic fun that is me. Lol.

So tired

Why am I so tired? Coffee only works sometimes, sigh!

Why don’t I have energy?

I wake up, eat, do some phone calls, take meds, and go back to bed. Sighs!

5 hour energy shots help as long as I drink enough. However the crash is hard!

I hate my sleep issues….apnea and anemia. Between the both, I feel I have permanent mono.

How can I get daily energy?

Opened eyes

My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .

My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.

Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.

I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.

However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.

Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.

This was a metaphor. . .

I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.

I’ve learned a few things. . .

  • There are a few things that make me happy.
  • There are people that support me.
  • This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
  • Hope is a very good thing.
  • Coffee is liquid hope.
  • Creative cooking is fun.
  • I am responsible for me and my life.
  • Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
  • I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
  • Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
  • I need to let go and move on.
  • I love to write.

A bit bummed

YIM (yahoo instant messenger) is stopping their application on July 17.

It was really the only messenger I trusted and would go back to (especially after they stopped their chat rooms.)

KIK . . . keeps glitching on me with pass codes and calling me a bot for talking to one than one person at a time. I’m not a bot, just a multitasker. Grrrr

SKYPE. . . I used to be on Skype until it’s full of nothing but pervs, and what they want to show me on cam. No thanks, what happen to a decent chat?

I’m not into Hang outs or snap chat either. Sigh.

I will not instantly give out my phone number after like two messages. I have situation where I’m not alone so no naughty picture texts or bad phone calls.

. . . So I’m not sure what chatting system I’m going use in the future. Maybe my Facebook messenger, but who knows?

My Bad Habits

My Bad Habits

1. “I’m sorry.” I will say it even if I did nothing wrong. If the situation is wrong or bad. “I’m sorry.” Are the few words that come out of my mouth as if it’s my fault, it rained or that hot woman didn’t like you. It’s a bad force of the habit. I am the oldest of my siblings… and if something went wrong … it was my instant go to.
However I will not simply accept “I’m sorry,” or flower (I prefer candy or notebooks and pens.) for an apology especially if a person does not tell me what they are sorry about.

2. Over thinking… I question everything and if I have to rethink my questions and ideas … I wonder if my original ideas were right or wrong… I have talked myself out dates, meeting people, new experiences, jobs, writing projects. Please do NOT make me rethink my ideas.
I try myself to follow my hunches (gut), hearts, and then head… in that order.

3. I’m too soft. I feel I give in to easily, because I do not want to be alone. I have done stuff or meet people that I know don’t fit just because I want to get out. I need to stop this.

4. I keep blaming my health. I got dealt a weird and weak hand with life. I have to stop blaming myself for bad health and get creative. My health can impact my moodiness. I really need to stop hiding behind my health problems.

5. I can be lazy. I can write for hours or walk over a mile but I hate to clean. I simply blame my laziness. My laziness can talk me out of doing things… it’s hard to motivate myself when I simply do not want to do something.

6. I love food, and it can be a weakness such as going to my favorite restaurant. I love to cook, bake, and having nice dinner parties (nothing fancy just friends, food, games and movies.) It is a weakness to me, and lately it’s one of my only motivation which is sad.

I need to face my weaknesses

  • Food and shopping. (I love shopping whether it’s for fun or I have a list and goals.)
  • Feeling guilty after bitchiness even someone deserves it. (I should only feel guilty if the person did not purposely push my buttons.)
  • Loneliness vs being semi-social. (I have to understand not everyone has such an open schedule like I do. However there are time where I am simply tired, focused, or just too drained than to talked to people.)

I’m Lonely, not stupid

I’m lonely, but I’m not stupid. I will not meet up with someone who does not show me their picture. It can be anyone.

We post pics all over media. . . Facebook, personals, blogs etc.

Please send a pic and may it really be you.

I hate the excuses. . .

  • Work won’t allow it, then take it at home.
  • My family doesn’t know, then email it to me. (I delete pics if the guy doesn’t work out, why should I keep pics of guys who aren’t meant for me?)
  • My phone is new and I have no pic. Then take a pic.

If you are hiding something, please just leave alone. I only want open and honest people in my life.

This is me.