Analyzing Me with Eharmony

Why am I analyzing myself with the questionnaire questions and articles from Eharmony?

Note: for those who do not know Eharmony is a Christian online date site which uses many questions to figure out your just right partner if they have that person online too.

So why am I doing this (especially when I failed their questionaire twice and was kicked off the site once when I said I thought I was bi-curious.)

First, I I usually overanalyze most things and dating is not different. Some things I’ve overanalyzed, I’ve gotten right and other things I’ve learned from.

Second, I’m not doing this to date (yet), but I hope to learn more about myself. (If I find friends who get me or maybe Mr. Right-for-me, then awesome. I’m here to learn first.)

Third, I really love answering questions and talking surveys and quizzes about myself.

My mom used to tell that . . . “Opposite attract.” That might be right in science, but mom and dad were opposites and they didn’t last. (Its also probably why I argue with myself too. J/k lol.)

I think for partners, there needs some similarities and some differences to keep things interesting p. As long as they keep communication open and honest, that is what is most important.

I need to know myself and get my “stuff” together before I can get someone else involved in the chaotic fun that is me. Lol.

I’m giving him 5 more days and I’m done

I laugh because I know he will still haunt me. (He celebrated his birthdays for weeks, not days.) 

I’m talking about my ex Tom. He was my longest relationship so far. It is hard to get him out of my head . . . he passed away from cancer January 13, 2017.  (Saturday will be his anniversary of his death.) 

So starting today, I’m going to highlight a different thing about him until Saturday and I will write out his funeral the way he would have wanted it. 

(I find it funny that I told myself I was going to give myself until December 31st, 2017 and move on. He and I both know I am trying, but when someone lives you for 8 years of your life, they make an impact. ) 

Stray Cats

We have four stray cats. . . this is driving me crazy. I can hear them crying but our landlord doesn’t want us to feed them .. .its mean.

Its six degrees. I know other people have fed them but they are at our front door. 

I just want to bring them in and cuddle with them. But I cannot the two dollars a month plus food and litter.

My grandma put the love of animals in me, especially cats. She would take in all strays.. . puppies, kitties, people. 

If I ever got a house, I would love to have a kitty santurary.   

Levels of Depression

Level One

• Just feeling blah/blue, but can be shaken off
• Just general sad feeling
• Feeling sluggish
• Mood swings, but mild: they can be talked out
• Can still get up and function

Level Two

• Mood swings can go from content to blah 
• Easily bored
• Things take a bit more energy
• Want to cry
• Telling jokes may help

Level three 

• Things can take longer to do
• May talk slower
• Harder to make a decision 
• May nap more
• Have to push yourself to get motivated
• Going for a walk may help

Level four

• Restless and exercise may not help
• May snap or bitch for no reason
• Doesn’t want to go out
• Venting may not help or feels stuck and can’t vent
• Shopping may help (temporarily)
• Activities like sex just feel like a chore (they to require more energy than normal.)

Note: Usually after Level Four these don‘t work or they take more work to achieve. 

• Talking out feeling, but feelings linger
• Some dark feelings pop up, but disappear
• Sometimes chocolate or caffeine helps
• Sometimes walking or exercise can help
• Talking out out feelings
• Talking a shower or bath with favorite soap

Level five

• Doesn’t brush teeth 
• May have headache (lacking caffeine or food)
• Eats little
• No pleasure in fun activities
• Emotions feel as if the run together
• Chores feel like torture
• TV is meh. 
• Start to wonder why you exist/purpose. 
• Dark thoughts start (life vs death)
• Sluggish with caffeine like it doesn’t work
• Can not see the positivity in things

Level six

• Doesn’t brush hair
• Think of darkness and death
• Does not want to think
• Does not to do anything
• everything seems to mix together and looks ugly

Level seven

• Feel hopeless
• Doesn’t shower for days
• Doesn’t want to eat 
• Doesn’t want to to get out bed
• Thoughts of taking out yourself or humanity
• Lazy
• Bitter
• Angry
• Sad
• Hopeless
• Sleeping for long periods of time
• Everything feels meaningless
• Everything feels impossible

By levels six and seven you may need others to help you. 

I been on all levels. I try to stop myself by level four.

Anything can cause depression and you can start at any level depending on the trigger. 

Not everything happens for everyone. If you get to level five or higher get help. 7 Cups is a therapy website that really helps me. 

My bday . . . Why bother?

My birthday is Wednesday and I know it sounds like a bad lifetime movie, but after the year I had, I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday. 

However I met a guy just before Halloween, and it was nice and exciting at first. . . 

 But then I realize he was not the same guy. . . It was like he split personality. . .  Fun Tigger, which as time went on I rarely saw and wanted to complaining Eeyore. I have my own issues of depression, anxiety, and pstd which I’ve been holding back because I been trying to help him, but whatever I say rarely matters, because once he stops complaining over one thing, he’ll easily find another. 

We agreed to just be friends. I have this feeling his next thing he’ll complain on is my birthday. He was the one who promised me to take me and such. . . I never asked for it. 

I’m just not looking forward to my birthday and it sucks. 

I mean a nice dinner but with a complaining Eeyore, SIGH. 

2017 death, men, meh.

It has been a trying year.

 I think I’ve had more bad days and blah days than nice days. 

I’ve lost more people and been more rejected this year than all of my life. 

I’m not sure why or how I keep doing it. 

With the winter coming, I will need as much mental help as I can get. . .

I claim now 2018 . . . Better than 2017. 

Do I care too much?

Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.

We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.

January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.

In August of 2016, he got a successful  liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.

November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.

In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)

I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.

Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.

I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)

I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?

P.S.  since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole. 

Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors. 

What I would like right now (2:45pm)

I would love to cuddling on the couch with my guy. We’re watching netflix.  He kisses my cheek and neck while whispering sweet things . . . 

• “You are the prettiest woman I know. “
• “You are so soft.”
• ” Do you know how much you mean to me?”
• “We can get through anything together”

What I want right now (3am)

I want to be with my dream guy who is giddy over me and is snuggling in bed, I’m the small spoon. He has his arms around me and everything is alright. 

I miss My Cats