I hate snow and my body hates cold. My joints are achy. My head is pounding and I’m so tired . . . My body cannot relax.
I miss walking. I miss warm breezes.
I wish I could live in a place that was mostly sunny. . . 70`s during the day and 50`s at night. However no snakes, bugs, spiders, or bees. (I know we need those for flowers to grow, but I am more of a city girl anyway, not a farm/country girl. I just want to be able to go outside for a long walk and worry about ice.)
The problem is that most people want that too so it would belong the rich for vacation escapes.
It honestly only exists in my dreams. . . Sighs.
After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.
I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)
However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.
I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.
I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.
Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.
I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.
I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.
I do enjoy sleep when I have good dreams and the air is just right not too hot or too cold. The blanket is comfy and smells good. I wake up actually feeling refreshed.
This usually only happens maybe 1 time out every 50.
I usually wake up stiff, tired or exhausted (like I didn’t sleep at all). I’ve either hot, cold, in pain, with a headache. . . Or have to wake up due to my bladder or panic attack or choking with breathing problems.
Sometimes I can sleep for 12 hours and feel like I had not slept all. Sometimes I can run all day on four good hours of sleep, again, this is rare. My depression makes me want to sleep even more and not get out of bed.
I have sleep apnea where I do not get enough air in or out. I snore very loud, get dry mouth, grind my teeth, wake up with jaw pain, and headaches.
Apnea makes me wake up choking, my lips to be blue due to lack of oxygen, my head is foggy and it’s hard to focus, my eyes twitch, my eyes are heavy. I get migraines and my stomach don’t settle.
My animea makes me exhausted. I was so tired from the lack of blood cells that I have choked on my food several times.
Caffeine or lack of caffeine really screws me up. If I drink coffee or energy (no ginsing) at the wrong times and my day and night schedules are off.
My anxiety fills my head will ideas and I’m up with insomnia, but I am usually a zombie.
With all of these problems sleep is hard for me.
My love of music is a blessing and a curse. . . It depends on the song and my mood.
I can either take on the world or cry hiding in a hole. . . Depending on how the song pushed my emotions. It could make me laugh or haunt me with a bitter memory of my past.
Music is always something I go to no matter emotion I feel. It is expressive for me and I can make a play list for anytime in my life. Sometime a song just says the words, that I cannot get out of my head.
I was originally a music major in college. I found out that I had inner ear problem on my right ear and it made it hard to play one thing and sing another. I changed my major because of my ear, so music is a bittersweet thing for me.
I’ve been thinking about what security is for me. Many say money is security, but 90% of jobs are not secure any more, so how can money be security. . . unless you own more than one business, have good stocks, or is a CEO of a major corporation. Most of these bosses will cut a guy working there ten year to hire two guys to do the same job for just a few dollars less. So money is not security.
Money is nice, but I really would not know what to do with lots of money. . . I know if I won the lottery, I was told in a dream. . .. That 2/3rds of the money must go to someone or thing else. So I would give to charities and places and people that have helped me in my past. It would also go to people who need that extra boost. I like helping people.
However too much money would worry me as I afraid someone would break in and hurt the ones I care about or myself just to get some money that they will blow on alcohol and drugs to hide from their conscience that they did wrong. When they run out of their crutches, they will hurt someone else for more money. Too much money, even with a security system and trained pets, is not security for me.
I know extra money is nice to travel, dine out, shop, go to parties or enjoy more things. Then it also scares me that people show up when you have money that would have never been there if you were broke. How do you know your friendship or relationship are build on trust or the false security and wrong love of money?
Security to me is when I have my hand in my special guy and I feel I can take on the world. I feel safe and truly loved ( not the love over what you have, but who you are). This has happened only once ( Tom). I hope to have the feeling again. I just hope the man I feel safe and secure with also loves and truly, loyally adores me.
I am not a selfish person, but next month is all about me. I am working on my writing and hopefully myself.
My goal is in 2018 to move forward and away from my past.
I have two projects. . . (Each project is 50,000 in 30 days)
- Finishing the The Broken Path 50,000 plus.
- Working on the ghost stories for the Broken Path.
I hope to figure myself out and do something for me, write.
My brain needs to stop for a while. . . So I’ll need temporary distractions.
- Online window shopping (my amazon app and put things on my wish list)
- Candy crush soda saga
- Music (genre depends on my mood)
- Adult coloring
- Blogging (Any topic like this one)
- Chatting (Maybe some roleplay)
- Movies ( preferably comedy or horror)
- Go take a walk (Yes even at night, but not by myself )
I just need to have some fun.
I wish I was sitting in a huge bath tub, soaking in a hot bubbly bath. With a hot tea just mediating with healing vibes.
Don’t you just love hearing. . . There is new guy?
I finally met a guy online who I connect with, didn’t cancel the date with some lame excuse, and he was very cute.
However this has made my anxiety go to extremes. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.
It has taken me so many empty conversations and bad pictures with guys and girls to get here. It makes it even more valuable.
He is intelligent, creative, and wants a challenge.
My damn anxiety keeps me questioning me . . .
- Am I up to his expectations?
- Am I at his level?
- Is he interested me or just lonely ?
- Does he just want fun?
- Is he for real?
- Am I really good enough for HIM?
- Am I dominant enough for HIM?
I need to just enjoy the time we have together, but these thoughts hang on the back of my head.
But there is this new guy. . .(excited and nervous)