Warning: Adult Rating
I still like him alot—at least the version of the guy in my head.
It started out as two writers working on a few online stories together. Then we talked and shared personal stuff. Next we know the “L” word get passed over some texts. A few phone calls and lots of pictures. . .
Stress and problems share. . . words of hope.
Then nightmares and depression has me struggling to believe anything and makes me feel alone. My fear haunted me. . . that he catfished (as I have been before), that he is married, that he is not who he says he is.)-0-
We never met and the dark cloud in my head believes we well never meet and keep telling me to move on.
365 days of feelings, arguments, stories, chats. . . I enjoyed it all, but I wanted and needed and still WANT and NEED more.
I want to cuddle, kiss, make out, dance, have sex with lots of foreplay, sleep together, spooning, get have him see me be bashful and blush.
I guess the Fates feel we are just not ready for each other (yet if at all.)
I am not the type to handle a long timed– long distanced relationship with someone with similar problems as mine. Sigh.
Personal Goals for 2017
- I want to walk more. (At least three walks a week or several rounds on the stairs.)
- I want to lose weight. (80 pounds. . . ultimate goal.)
- I want to be more active.
- I want to stretch more. (No charlie horses.)
- I want to learn some basic yoga and be more physically flexible.
- I want my tight clothes to be looser.
- I want to lower my diabetes numbers.
- I want to try more recipes.
- I want to control my binge eating. I want to eat smaller sizes.
- I want to eat better.
- I want to get into the habit of three meals a day.
- I want to paint more.
- I want to read more.
- I want to save a little money.
- I want to meet my “wolfie.” He knows who he is.
- I want to deal, maybe even cure my anxiety and depression.
- I want to mediate more and be able to always access my happy place.
- I want to finish some of the projects I have started.
- I want to start some new projects.
- I want to help my ex get stronger and heal.
Why does it seem lately that everything seems better in my head?
In my head: I wanted to go out to all you can eat wing place for my birthday and then have presents and dark forest cake afterward with part of my family and a few friends. There were would be laughs and good time with everyone.
Reality: I had several cats naps, because my sleep schedule is way off. Then for dinner a store bought pizza that wasn’t bad, but not what I wanted. I wanted a dark forest cake (chocolate and cherries), but what I got was a pumpkin pie that was just okay.
In my head: I am cuddling and getting massages with my boyfriend and playing with my cat.
Reality: I’m helping my ex without my cat.
In my head: I am touring promoting my books and give huge universe lectures on how to write a novel.
Reality: I can’t even write in my diary. Damn writer’s block.
Reality Vs Fantasy: Sometimes reality sucks.
Did I do something wrong?
I know my ex had hurt me in the past, but I heard that he had gotten a liver transplant. It is a very dangerous and serious surgery.
I was requested to live with and help him. Free room and board and he will help pay for personal items. I thought about it hard. I knew that he had hurt me, but was that him or the toxins from the liver? No one was asking me to marry him (I am interested in someone else.) They just wanted me to help him with meals, supporting him with walking, helping with therapy and the nurses etc.
Long story short, I had a dream. . . where neither Jesus nor the Devil would take me. They said I wasn’t good enough for Heaven or bad enough for Hell. It was true. I was a robot merely surviving repressing my emotions where I was.
So I took the offer.
I know I pissed people off. I’m sorry they are mad.
I know I confused people, but I felt I needed to do this. Maybe my communication was lacking but I never communicated right with them.
They never really allowed me to be who I needed to be. They made me feel lazy, useless, and not able to express who I am.
I am helping someone who trusts and needs me.
I feel less anxious at times because I can talk about it.
Now I feel like I can help and be me again, not a robot.
Where the BEEP is all of the money going?
The USA debt is 19.5 trillion. . . and yet certain candidates want to give away healthcare and education.
I think if we just gave everything away, no one who understand how to earn it.
Why would we give education away when they are trying to standardize the education system? I mean some kids are smarter, and some need more help . . . do not dumb down education so everyone feels identical. We are all different . . . we all learn differently. We are NOT clones. STOP giving money for standardize tests that majority of teachers are teaching too so that school gets money. I also think charter schools are a good idea. They keep public schools on their toes.
I think college should be earned as well. We should not be giving it out for free; beside there are countless grants and scholarships these days. There are also websites like fundme where you can ask money for education.
If the kids were taught right we would be able to spend and save correctly; maybe our kids would figure how to budget and fix our debt.
We also keep taking from Social Security. We have enough originally in there that we would have not had to worry about retiring, but the dumb president keep borrowing against it. It had its own piggy bank; it was saved for those who were disabled and retired.
I hope the next generation with be able to re-budget the debt in which it will be less than 19.5 trillion and have a bigger and booming economy than we do now.
10 Food Confessions
- You will get grumpy me, if you tell me I cannot eat something. Growing up, I got the “I’m saving that.” Or “It’s for your father.” Now that I am adult I when people tell I can’t enjoy myself with food, it makes me mad.
- I am borderline diabetic: I know I need to watch my sugar and carbs.
- I get very sleepy when I overeat. I love and hate holidays for that reason.
- I love candy! I usually always have candy. (I did in school, and most people know it.)
- I hate to count calories; I rather count words. I have written over 1,000 words today. (I also seem to love food with higher calories. Big Mac have close to 1000 calories.)
- My three ultimate comfort foods: mashed potatoes and beef gravy, lasagna, and extra cheesy bacon mac n cheese. (All have carbs. I also like a salad with everything.)
- I have cut back on my soda to once a day. (I’ve been pretty good.)
- I love when people get excited over my food.
- Three foods I hate: Canned peas, canned spinach, and liver
- If I cannot get thin, then I am making the rest of the world fat with my food.
There is an ultimate fast food meal. I have always wanted to try.
Big Mac from Mc Donalds.
Seasoned Fries from Rallys.
Chocolate Frosty from Wendy’s
Pepsi Slushy from Sheets.
Rebekah Quinn © 2016
And fates . . .