November all for me. 

I am not a selfish person, but next month is all about me. I am working on my writing and hopefully myself. 

My goal is in 2018 to move forward and away from my past.

I have two projects. . .  (Each project is 50,000 in 30 days)

  1. Finishing the The Broken Path 50,000 plus. 
  2. Working on the ghost stories for the Broken Path.

    I hope to figure myself out and do something for me, write. 

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    Therapy: temporary distraction 

    My brain needs to stop for a while. . . So I’ll need temporary distractions.

    • Online window shopping (my amazon app and put things on my wish list)
    • Candy crush soda saga
    • Music (genre depends on my mood)
    • Adult coloring 
    • Blogging (Any topic like this one)
    • Chatting (Maybe some roleplay)
    • Movies ( preferably comedy or horror)
    • Go take a walk  (Yes even at night,  but not by myself )
    • Read 

    I just need to have some fun. 

    There is this new guy. . .

    Don’t you just love hearing. . . There is new guy?

    I finally met a guy online who I connect with, didn’t cancel the date with some lame excuse, and he was very cute. 

    However this has made my anxiety go to extremes. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.  

    It has taken me so many empty conversations and bad pictures with guys and girls to get here. It makes it even more valuable.

    He is intelligent, creative, and wants a challenge. 

    My damn anxiety keeps me questioning me . . . 

    • Am I up to his expectations? 
    • Am I at his level?  
    • Is he interested me or just lonely ? 
    • Does he just want fun?
    • Is he for real?
    • Am I really good enough for HIM?
    • Am I dominant enough for HIM?

    I need to just enjoy the time we have together, but these thoughts hang on the back of my head.

    But there is this new guy. . .(excited and nervous)

    Ideal day

    My ideal day would be

    8:30 Wakes up after hitting snooze twice. Get breakfast with coffee

    9:00 Works out on indoor bike

    9:30 Shower

    9:45 Lotion, priming body

    10:00 Checking email, research and notes or outlines for writing or errands

    12:00 lunch

    12:30 writing my blogs, novels

    4:30 make dinner, or errands 

    6:30 have dinner and clean up. 

    7:00  Be with family or boyfriend before bed, TV, games etc

    11:30  Research, read, and relax before bed, maybe a bath

    1:30 go to bed. 

    Sigh! Only Words

    Warning: Adult Rating

    I still like him alot—at least the version of the guy in my head.

    It started out as two writers working on a few online stories together. Then we talked and shared personal stuff. Next we know the “L” word get passed over some texts. A few phone calls and lots of pictures. . .

    Stress and problems share. . . words of hope.

    Then nightmares and depression has me struggling to believe anything and makes me feel alone. My fear haunted me. . . that he catfished (as I have been before), that he is married, that he is not who he says he is.)-0-

    We never met and the dark cloud in my head believes we well never meet and keep telling me to move on.

    365 days of feelings, arguments, stories, chats. . . I enjoyed it all, but I wanted and needed and still WANT and NEED more.

    I want to cuddle, kiss, make out, dance, have sex with lots of foreplay, sleep together, spooning, get have him see me be bashful and blush.

    I guess the Fates feel we are just not ready for each other (yet if at all.)

    I am not the type to handle a long timed– long distanced relationship with someone with similar problems as mine. Sigh.

    What I want for 2017

    Personal Goals for 2017

    1. I want to walk more. (At least three walks a week or several rounds on the stairs.)
    2. I want to lose weight. (80 pounds. . . ultimate goal.)
    3. I want to be more active.
    4. I want to stretch more. (No charlie horses.)
    5. I want to learn some basic yoga and be more physically flexible.
    6. I want my tight clothes to be looser.
    7. I want to lower my diabetes numbers.
    8. I want to try more recipes.
    9. I want to control my binge eating. I want to eat smaller sizes.
    10. I want to eat better.
    11. I want to get into the habit of three meals a day.
    12. I want to paint more.
    13. I want to read more.
    14. I want to save a little money.
    15. I want to meet my “wolfie.” He knows who he is.
    16. I want to deal, maybe even cure my anxiety and depression.
    17. I want to mediate more and be able to always access my happy place.
    18. I want to finish some of the projects I have started.
    19. I want to start some new projects.
    20. I want to help my ex get stronger and heal.

    Confession 22: Reality Vs Fantasy

    Why does it seem lately that everything seems better in my head?

    Examples:

    #1
    In my head:
    I wanted to go out to all you can eat wing place for my birthday and then have presents and dark forest cake afterward with part of my family and a few friends. There were would be laughs and good time with everyone.

    Reality: I had several cats naps, because my sleep schedule is way off. Then for dinner a store bought pizza that wasn’t bad, but not what I wanted. I wanted a dark forest cake (chocolate and cherries), but what I got was a pumpkin pie that was just okay.

    #2
    In my head:
    I am cuddling and getting massages with my boyfriend and playing with my cat.

    Reality: I’m helping my ex without my cat.

    #3
    In my head:
    I am touring promoting my books and give huge universe lectures on how to write a novel.

    Reality: I can’t even write in my diary.  Damn writer’s block.

     

    Reality Vs Fantasy: Sometimes reality sucks.
    Did I do something wrong?