Day 4: Bad Day

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

Day 4: What do you do to feel better when you’re having a bad day?

1. I listen to music

2. Go for a walk

3. Cook

4. Play with cats

5, if I’m lucky, go shopping

6. When I have it, take a bubble bath

7. I can write about it

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I’m trying to better myself

I go to a therapy site that has helped quite a bit http://www.7cups.com

I will admit if I could afford in would try a few of the therapist there and maybe a few new paths.

I’m on the free account and forums really help, the path and the listeners sometime help. However I usually get good feedback and encouragement on the forums.

On one of forums they have a monthly challenge for positivity and building yourself up.

I’m going to post my answers on their and here. I’m going to try daily.

The challenge is over 31 days, each day presenting a new task, encouraging us to value ourselves and recognize our skills and qualities. The tasks include:

Day 1, October 1: List 10 things that you love about yourself. (Physical or personality)

Day 2: List 5 things that make you smile or happy.

Day 3: What is one fear or goal that you would like to conquer?

Day 4: What do you do to feel better when you’re having a bad day?

Day 5: What’s your proudest accomplishment?

Day 6: What are some obstacles that are preventing you from accomplishing your goals? What will you do to overcome them?

Day 7: Do you think you care too much about what others think? If so how can you change that?

Day 8: What is a food you enjoy that makes you feel good?

Day 9: Do you have genuine respect for yourself and who you are as an individual? And if not, how can you change that?

Day 10: Are you happy with your “inner person”? If so, why or why not?

Day 11: Is your self-talk negative or positive? If it is negative, what are some more positive ways to talk to yourself?

Day 12: What’s the last thing you did that made you feel proud of yourself? Why did it make you feel this way?

Day 13: Share about the last time you felt confident in yourself. Why did you feel that confident?

Day 14: Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so, who and why?

Day 15: Do you like your personal appearance? If so, why? If not, what are some ways you could view yourself differently?

Day 16: Do you have makeup, clothing or an accessory that makes you feel positive about yourself? If so what is it, and how does it make you feel positive?

Day 17: What do you do to feel calmer when you’re stressed?

Day 18: Do you like the way you talk? If so, why? If not, how can you view it more positively?

Day 19: Do you have an activity that makes you feel alive and good within yourself?

Day 20: Has your self-esteem improved with doing this challenge so far during the month? If so, how? If not, why not?

Day 21: Name at least 5 things that you are good at.

Day 22: Which of your skills or abilities to you pride yourself on?

Day 23: What is your ideal outcome of this challenge?

Day 24: Do you compare yourself to others? How can you be more focused on yourself?

Day 25: If you met a person that was just like you, would you like them? If so, why? If not, how could you view the person more positively?

Day 26: When was the last time you were too hard on yourself? What do you think you could have done to treat and comfort yourself instead?

Day 27: What is the main barrier to you having positive self-esteem? How can you break free from it?

Day 28: What do you consider to be healthy self-esteem? Does this match the dictionary definition of healthy self-esteem?

Day 29: What do you think of your teeth and your smile? Do you like them and if so, why? If not, how can you view them more positively?

Day 30: Validation is important to our self-esteem. Do others encourage you? If not, what are some ways that you can ask them to so your self-esteem is improved?

Day 31: Rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1-10? Has your self-esteem improved?

Note: All of the credit goes to http://www.7cups.com

My current warnings

  1. I can’t cry. I feel like a robot: emotional stuck.
  2. I want to be happy too, but again I’m emotionally stuck.
  3. Im hormonal. It’s due to endometriosis. My body does make enough of one hormone, so others are unbalanced.
  4. I can freak out at anytime: I can go from nice to total bitch. It’s because my hormones are not balanced.
  5. I can be in pain, usually in my pelvic area also due to endometriosis. This can make sex hurt for me.
  6. I can startle easily. However I love a horror movie with unpredictable twists. They are hard to find in this days blah and remakes.
  7. I can easily get stuck in a good book, computer/tablet, or notebook/writing.
  8. I hate to clean, but I hate bugs and spiders more
  9. I only like to clean alone with music blasting.
  10. I am not an outdoor girl.
  11. I am not a girly-girl. I do not owe a dress or make up. I will not wear high heels, in fact, I own one pair of shoes, and two slippers.
  12. I dislike/hate authority. Advise/guide/suggest to me, but do not tell me what to do with attitude or I will turn into a bitch.
  13. I’m not into drug, drinking, smoking, and not into those who are drunk or smoke.
  14. I can talk myself to organize.
  15. I am not a baby/kid person.
  16. I prefer cats over dogs and kids.
  17. I am not vanilla (sexually), and I cannot got back. (I have a seprate blog for that.)
  18. I work better between 11pm and 6am for now. It may change as my sleep cycle never stays the same for long.
  19. I prefer my weather semi sunny between 55 and 75 degrees.
  20. I prefer Pepsi over Coke. I know the difference. I also know the difference between regular and diet.

Sigh.

Between PTSD and depression, I have not been happy.

I’ve tried sims, cooking and the rest of my content list. . .

1. Listening to music

2. Comfortably writing for hours

3. Soda pop

4. Shopping

5. Walking

6. Getting out or dinning out

7. Talking to friends

8. Cats

9. Watching funny TV

10. Going to the movies

I just can’t get or find happiness. Why?

RIP Tom

Ironic this writing assignment is over a week late to deadline (anniversary of Toms death January 13th.) The irony is that it was usually Tom nagging me, pushing me to finish my writing on time. Another ironic thing is Interview with a Vampire is playing in the background. Tom’s favorite movie.

Tom’s Dream Funeral

I lived with Tom for 8 years. . . I like to believe you get to know someone really well in 8 years.

As lovely and simple as the real funeral was . . . it was not what Tom would have wanted. He told first of all, he wanted to be biodiamonds. He wanted to be made into jewelry for those closest to him. I would have requested a ring for my middle finger on right hand. The right hand is my dominant and he taught me to say “fuck it” sometimes.

I think it would be in the woods with candles, latter’s and huge bonfire. We have a fake body in which we burn while celebrating him moving into a different realm. We drink, eat, listen to his favorite classic rock music. We sit around the fire and tell stories of him.

What I miss the most, I’ll never find anyone as passionate as he was. He bold, daring, loud, and rambunctious. There was rarely a dull moment with him. Whether it was him yelling at TV over wrestling or football or passionate reciting Lestat quotes from Anne Rice.

I also think I never got to appreciate the way he should have been. He taught me so much about love, hope, dreams, support, and passionate. I hope he knows he will always be remembered for his liveliness.

my prayers

5 minute rant: saving my self

Why don’t people listen to me when I say they can’t handle me

I have depression and anxiety, and there are times I cannot deal with life. I need to go into my Sim games, my art, my walking, or most of my fictional writing.  It is a process for me to come back to me. I’m usually a very positive, perky person, but over the years, life has worn me down. 

I need positive people. I need someone who will encourage me, to keep my spirits up. 

I do not need someone who complains about everything in life. I do not need someone so toxic that even the sun shine is bitch. I met someone like this. .  . and tried to be friends. He never ask me about me, just complained about everything from work to his place to food. He even tried to joke about his complains, thinking he was being cute. A complaint is a complaint whether you whine, snap, bitch, or laugh about it.  I couldn’t take it, and said whatever. (That was my depression talking, but I realize I couldn’t help him, and he was pulling me down. He made me feel insecure of who I was, and I had to save myself.)

I did feel bad he had no friends, but now I know why. 

 

Then he said he was done, but I’m not going to fight back. I know is going to complain about me. I have my own problems. However I hope down the road, he find someone special and string who makes his complaints fade away. (Even though I’m hurt, I still hope he finds happiness. That is just who I am.)

Sighs

This kills me because I pride myself on my honesty . . .but sometimes I lie about my feelings with the outside world. I will smile and laugh or be robotic when I’m sad and miserable inside. 

However I am sad, and hurt and mad and upset and I feel like I am stuck in a dark, cold very lonely hole. I feel like this hole is only getting deeper. 

I’m so sad. I’m going to bed.