Holiday

I’ve been tired for days, but Christmas went well.

I’m a mixture of European, but my father’s side has Slovak in it, and we follow a Christmas soup (saurkuat and mushrooms etc.) tradition. Its to be made on Christmas eve. Its a required taste, and yet it does not feel like Christmas without it. I made it this year, and it turned out really good. Our neighbors even liked it.

Then I helped cook Ham on Christmas.

Between the cooking, salty meats with my gout, I’ve been pretty tired and swollen.

I hope everyone’s holiday went well.

5 of my greatest Compliments

I get compliment and thanked for different things. I try to put others before myself. I have a few skills. . . . Music, writing, cooking etc.

These are my greatest compliments I was given. . .

1. You are a gifted and/or awesome writer. You have so much talent and tell a twisted, creative story. Keep writing. Please don’t stop writing. (I try to write as much as I can. I try my best to ignore the others who say I write too much.)

2. Thank you for being an open and/Or honest person. (I believe in honesty, no point in lying. It will catch up with you and cause a mess.)

3. You are an awesome cook. I love (fill in the dish, I make a lot.) I love

4. I look forward to your future blogs, stories, messages or e-mail etc. (This one is my top 5 because it means the person wants to see or read more of me.)

5. Thank you for replying back. (Its simple, but to me it’s just matters. If you took the time to read my profile and message at least I can do is thank you for your time, even if I’m not interested. It helps for closure and for the other to move on. I hate to be hanging, waiting for a reply that would never happen, it’s rude.)

Honorable mention

You sing so well. I love your voice. (I enjoy singing and I’ve had 14 years of vocal training and won many awards. I had ear isdyes some just sing karaoke and myself now.)

Day 8: Food

Day 8: What is a food you enjoy that makes you feel good?

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

I’m not sure if they meant healthy food or guilty pleasure.

Top ten favorite food.

1. Lasagna or pizza (any pasta fits here.)

2. Snap pea with ranch dip, (I’m weird but they are my potato chips)

3. Coffee with flavor creamers (caramel)

4. Ice cream (favorite rocky road with marshmallow swirl)

5. Sushi

6. Soft tacos (I prefer homemade and I make quesadillas)

7. Mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes

8. Very gooy mac and cheese with bacon

9. A juicy loaded burger with fried potatoes

10. most things chocolate

Day 2: 5 things that make me smile

Day 2 of October Postive Challenge

https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/

5 Things That make me smile or happy

1. Writing for hours straight

2. Compliments about my writing

3. Getting paid for my writing, (see a pattern here)

4. Cooking or baking awesome food

5. Having and playing with cats

Bad Habits Part 2

Bad Habits Part 1 heres the link from part 1.
I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes.

I’m far from perfect, but I feel the more I write, the more I learn about myself.

I worry alot (over thinking doesn’t help.) I hate being out of control. If I can’t control something, I over think, over worry and then bite my nails and over eating to try and calm myself down. It usually ends in a stomache or headache

I feel have to plan and be in control. I feel better when I plan. Even though 90% of the time, nothing goes as planned. I love outlining, but my muses and character usually run the story their own ways. I love to make lists: chores, menus, take out orders, errands, grocery, budgeting with bills etc.

I love food. I mentioned in this in part 1, but I forgot the worst part of this habit is that I eat late at night. We joke I’m a vampire. Lol. I watch food network, and I get hungry. We have trying to only watching the food network in the afternoon or during meals.

I feel I have to come with a warning. . . . I can snap at any second for any reason. My mood swings are crazy. I’ve tried talking to several doctors and therapists. The therapist push it to the doctors, and the doctors push it to the therapists. It’s been over two years, and I haven’t gotten past a second date.

I am not a bad person. In fact, I’m the most honest and loyal person, I know.

I’m trying to fix myself. (I’m work in process. Perfection is boring.)

I am working on my current weaknesses. . .

I hate to clean, but with the right energy and good cleaning products, I have cleaned a bathroom pretty good. My bedroom and a kitchen are two rooms I hate to clean. I hate bed making, it can never get flat or even; I tuck in one side and I pull out the other. (But I love clean fresh tide-smelling sheets.)

Clothes wise, I don’t like to sew, cannot stay in a straight line. I also hate ironing. (I don’t dress up, so I need to do either.) I will throw a damp towel in a dryer with my wrinkled clothes so I don’t have to use the iron. I love folding towels, but I hate folding shirts. I am just bad with the sleeves. I am not a fan of laundry. It usually stays in the washer until, I remember or look on my do-to list.

My sleep schedule (my sleep apnea makes thinks worst for me.) Makes a lot of thing hard for me . . . Working a 9 to 5 schedule, day schedule period, (I seem to have the most energy between 8pm to 2am), it’s harder to heal, and harder to control my moods. (I plan to get a cpap machine soon. I hope will get more energy during the day. Coffee and soda are my main sources of energy, right now.)

However I do NOT believe I am over honest or that I write too much.

Some Eharmony Questions

1. Who is the most important person in your life, and why? My family, because they are always there for me no matter my health or my mood.

2. What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving? I want to a famous multi-genre author and blogger.

3. Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry? My self and then my mom, but thing is my mom just has really bad timing, she just pushes me when I’m tired or my nerves are fired or both. My self is because I want to be everyone’s everything and be in control and the truth is I can’t.

4. Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable? Mom and my youngest brother. . . mom let’s me be who I am, and youngest brother taught me to be affectionate and cuddle.

5. How do you feel about yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
physically—drained from health issues
emotionally—strained from health issues
Mentally—obsessed from inspired research
Spiritually—buzzed and fuzzy from being hard to relax or focus

6. When do you feel inspired? How does it feel when you are inspired? All kinds of thing inspire me: another blogs, writings, books, movies, art, movies etc. and they can inspire at anytime. I usually get inspired the most when I’m busy or very tired and need sleep. I feel like my thoughts speak a mile a minute. . . my head fills with questions, and it does not stop. . . its one of the reason I’m an insomniac.

7. What is the most important thing in the world to you? My writing, family, food, and cats.

8. If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
Breakfast make Eggs Benedict with my dad
Write letters to everyone
Lunch with my mom
Shopping for everyone
Dinner lasagna with everyone
Multiple desserts
Give gifts and letters
Play Wii bowling
Write for a while

9. When do you feel most afraid? To be honest, all of the time for different reasons. . . . being alone, being a car accident, being homeless, having little friends or super busy friends, losing more family, dying before my writings are complete, being completely misunderstood etc.

10. If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be? Complete all my writing projects

11. What bores you? Why is this?
1. Women playing sports (I’m not saying, not to play, but I just prefer watching men playing American football, wrestling, baseball, basketball etc. this not count on the Olympics.)
2. Black n’ white TV. . . puts me to sleep. I love colors.
3. When writer’s block, I can’t even research, I’m that stuck.

12. How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it? Money is NOT the meaning to happiness. Its only a means to an end. More money, more taxes and problems lol. I have never had much money, but I do have a supportive family, a roof over my head, lights on, food, a good shower, toilet, and best of all my writing supplies. Its all that counts. I only think about maybe 20% of time when I’m budgeting, paying a bills or playing lottery.

13. What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you? My spirituality is complicated. I do believe in a higher deity . . .divided into two God and Goddess. They need each other, they support each other so they are never alone, and they balance each other.
I have read the bible (I know it does not mention the God and Goddess, but it makes no sense for God to be alone, and yet tell us to find a mate.)
I do not really like most churches, but I will talk about God, worship (sing and play piano, prefer modern worship guitars, drums etc.) and pray. Prayer helps my worrying.

14. What three interests are you most passionate about?
1. Creative works: creating worlds including playing sims, making art and writing stories.)
2. Food. I’m a foodie.
3. Cats. I love my furbabies. Note: I like puppies too.

15. Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy? I am my worst enemy. I over think and worry. I’m critical on myself about chores, job, weight, my writing, control, depression, anxiety, anger, and if I am good enough.

16. How important is food to you? Do you feel disciplined when it comes to eating? I love and enjoy food. It’s an art and experience. It’s not just a substance. I try to discipline myself, but food is good, and life is short.

17. Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you—or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like? I would like to try marriage and if I do marriage I hoping for it to last forever(until we both go to the pearly gates.) If I can find Mr. Right for me who I want and need, then I defiantly want long term. I want someone I can truly depend on and who is as loyal as I am.

18. Do you consider yourself emotionally healthy? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement? *laughs* I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes. I need more friends who understand me and what I have. . .
PTSD
Depression
Anxiety
Anger issues
Self esteem issues
Creative chaos

19. Do you argue very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out? Yes, I argue with my family more than not, (we argue all the freakin’ time lol), they call me the bear. (My personal term is bitchy bear.)

20. What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral? (I’m really not to sure as most my friends scattered once my ex died. I think I just remind them of his death.) I think. . . they would say
“She left so soon.” Or “She was still here?”
“Good die young.” Or “Did she piss God/repeaper off too?”
“We should have hung out more. . . ” or “I couldn’t let her near my kids that lazy or depressed.”

21. Would you got back to any ex? No. I would not go back with any of my exes. There are reasons we didn’t work out.

Things I’ve learned from my exes.
1. I need someone with a sense of humor.
2. I need someone at least as loyal as I am.
3. I need someone reliable.
4. I need someone who let’s me take the lead ( I need control.)
5. I need someone who at least tries to understand me.
6. I need someone positive.
7. I need someone who love cats.
8. I need a dreaming doer.
9. I need someone who can communicate clearly.
10. I need someone around my age (26 to 39) who is into me as I am into them.
11. I want someone with some similarities and interests.
12. I want someone who likes sports.
13. I want someone smart.
14. I want someone semi spiritual.
15. I want someone into reading.
16. I want someone who cleans.

Note: there is a huge difference between needing and wanting.

https://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/about-you/twenty-questions-to-ask-yourself/

I will have more questions and blogs on here and specific questions on https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/2018/08/12/new-personal-prompts/

My self-care basket

Things in My basket for a bad day

  • Self care basket
  • Chocolate brownies or cake
  • Pretzels
  • Pepsi
  • Coffee with flavored creamers
  • Dial shower gel (I love the feel and smell.)
  • Notebooks
  • Color pens
  • A book with a good twist
  • Pillows
  • Movies: comedies and chick flicks
  • My tablet with my personal play list (music)
  • Headset

I never had someone love my food so much.

Tom would get excited over whatever I made whether it was grilled cheese with tomato soup or super chocolate cake. He loved my desserts. . .

I made him a five layer cake for one birthday.

I made my own fontant. 

This was the leftover Halloween candy cake.

My family recipe pineapple upside down cake. 

Security

I’ve been thinking about what security is for me. Many say money is security, but 90% of jobs are not secure any more, so how can money be security. . . unless you own more than one business, have good stocks, or is a CEO of a major corporation. Most of these bosses will cut a guy working there ten year to hire two guys to do the same job for just a few dollars less. So money is not security. 

Money is nice, but I really would not know what to do with lots of money. . . I know if I won the lottery, I was told in a dream. . .. That 2/3rds of the money must go to someone or thing else. So I would give to charities and places and people that have helped me in my past. It would also go to people who need that extra boost.  I like helping people. 

However too much money would worry me as I afraid someone would break in and hurt the ones I care about or myself just to get some money that they will blow on alcohol and drugs to hide from their conscience that they did wrong. When they run out of their crutches, they will hurt someone else for more money. Too much money, even with a security system and trained pets, is not security for me

I know extra money is nice to travel, dine out, shop, go to parties or enjoy more things. Then it also scares me that people show up when you have money that would have never been there if you were broke. How do you know your friendship or relationship are build on trust or the false security and wrong love of money?

Security to me is when I have my hand in my special guy and I feel I can take on the world. I feel safe and truly loved ( not the love over what you have, but who you are). This has happened only once ( Tom). I hope to have the feeling again. I just hope the man I feel safe and secure with also loves and truly, loyally adores me. 

Birthday

 My birthday went better than I thought. We had a nice dinner and a really nice shopping spree. I truly wasn’t expecting it. . .

I got. . . 

  • A diary
  • Colored pens
  • This tablet
  • Night shirt
  • Robe
  • Nail polish 
  • Scarf and gloves
  • Bath soap
  • Dress
  • My folding table desk
  • My led light
  • Calendar
  • Hair dye

I really did make out. I appreciate everything John did. He made me brownies and got me rocky road ice cream. I had a really good birthday and weekend.