Note of thanks 

I have to give some credit to mom, she has seen me at my best (Not since 2012) and at my worst. . . She has dealt with all of my mood swings and yet she is still pushing me to write even with her tablet while my computer collects dust. 

She wants me to get to my writing goal so I can treat myself with notebooks, pens (which she borrows) and cups. 

I’m sorry I feel like I have put her through hell, but she wants me to do good. 


Therapy post: past sex

This has adult theme. I usually don’t post, but I am starting a therapy theme for myself. Please do not read or comment  . . . if you are a minor or will not talk this seriously. 

Ok this is my second version because I lost my first version do not hitting crtl with the c button. I hope I get everything out on here and it makes sense. I mentioned this in another blog. 

My ex (Tom) and I were together off and on for over years (Sept 25, 2006 to Sept 9, 2015). However the last year and half we were together, I have had some several health problems. 

I couldn’t give him the physical expression that I wanted to as I was have several cramps during and after sex. (I will explain my health issues at the end.)

I tried to be an open a good girlfriend saying our relationship was open hoping that even though I couldn’t give him sex that he would at least still get his own release. However, I gave him three catches: 

1. Sex cannot happen in the same building I’m in.

2. He can’t tell me about it. (I will just feel like failure because I couldn’t give him sex or I would compare myself to the other girl and make myself feel worst.)

3. He would have to get an std test before I would have sex with him again.  
However he did not listen to me at all. I walked in on him and ex BFF from high school. (I wanted them to be friends, not fuck buddies. However I was afraid if I told him no, then he would have said he wanted someone else. I agreed with him out of fear of losing him, which I did anyway. I lost both of them. However with friends like that, who needs enemies? I also know if I confront her with this, she will overact and do something stupid. She has kids to consider, so I am not ever going to tell her.)

I walked in on them and screamed and cried. I had very dark and stupid thoughts in my head. He gave me evil, pissed off glares because he didn’t get to finish. She tried to get me to stop crying, but by then I was crying so hard thst I couldn’t see anything anymore. She tried to say I was depressed, and it was a monster. Depression is a monster, its that evil voice in your head the kills everything around it. It was not just depression, it was a mixture of depression, anxiety, lack of control, trauma, anger, and fear. It was a pantic storm with tornado of feelings. I broke down, because the last of my innocence that day was murdered, by the two people I I had cared and loved the most. 

However her creative, “supportive” words were empty, because her support stopped once she pushed the alcohol on me. It was like “forget today, just get drunk and get stupid. ” I hate losing control. When I opened that door and I saw the mixture of mounds of flesh, I felt like I was completely alone in the world. I felt like I was wrong, everything was wrong, and all I wanted to do was run away. I was out of control, my heart was shattered, and I could not look at either one the same way. 

(She said she understands me, but she doesn’t get. I don’t break down for attention, I know I needed help. My hormones were not balanced. She also had kids that were relying her and a loyal providing fiancé who would try to give her the world. If she had truly understood me, then she wouldn’t have even touched my ex. She would have been a real friend instead of a slut with a physically and mental addiction. This shows is how bad it was after my ex and I broke up, she tried to get back with him. It hurts that he said no, because of the online closed-minded scam artist that he actually cheated on me with. Why didn’t he respect me like that? Did he or her not love or care for me anymore?)

(She has a cycle . . . She has a good period with her fiancé, then they get in rutt, she gets bored  and cheats on him, almost gets caught, the things slow down, she picks a fight and then may or may not breakdown with possible attention-getting suicide attempts, gets her fiancé’s attention and things are good for awhile. She seriously needs help if not for herself, but for her kids. Normally I would just feel bad for her and that she needs help. However I was told both by my ex and a good friend that she tried to get back with him, I have no respect or pity for her. She is officially out of my life, I am trying to use therapy to let all of me depression and anger to let it go.)


After I my nervous breakdown, I got quiet and I got drunk. . . Purple swirling vodka shots, I got bourbon, and my ex got jagistmeister and  I tried to not focus on anything.  I put him before myself and although I was not into her like that.

The next day, I gave my ex a threesome. I was still drunk the next day, actually more tipsy. I felt if I did I would be the kinky, hot girlfriend that he would want just me again. He was greedy and wanted both. She wanted a dominant, I am a natural dominant, so I felt like I had to show him how to do things. He was not a dominant, but he wanted “nuturing fans”. It is kind of like “Master what can I do for you?” But all she did was lay there and moan. (A sub is supposed to do more work as much work as the dominant. She was manipulating him, so she could get off.) 

However do my cramping and female issues (I was spotting), so I was pushed aside. I felt I they were getting off  with other, torturing me in the room. He was into her and didn’t ask if I was ok or why I had stopped. . . He just wanted to get off, so did she. I felt alone, depressed, and abandoned all over it. It  was not how you a three each party was supposed to participate, but she laid there like a log. (No wonder why her fiancé  rather work. Stop analyzing the damn sex that ruined,  I just wish it was at least done right. I got ruined by a bad threesome.)

After all was said and done she threw me under the bus telling her fiancé in one of her picked fights, that her and I fucked while my ex watched. Like I had a crush on her since high school, no it was all a damn lie. She was not my type. (I love Dharma from the show “Dharma and Greg.” I’m into blondes with blue eyes. However  Dharma was sweet, kind, positive, sweet, fit, flexible, sexy, confident, clean, nonjudgmental  and would make me feel good about myself. She would want me to be healthy inside and care about my physical body and my soul. I am way picker for women than men.)  

Then after she threw me under the bus she kept calling being it was rush talking to me behind her fiancé’s back. However I was still trying to face my broken pieces and work on my own mental and emotional issues. Then I needed support, she said I was ruining her happy time with another friend. I told her I was done. My ex didn’t like it because then she stopped talking to both of us because her fiancé tolf her if she was caught cheating with a male, then he would leave her. (I hope he leaves and finds a loyal woman in his life. He would work up 16 hours a day to pay all of the bills.)

I knew in my gut the moment I saw them together that our relationship was over. I was not the same since that day. I told my ex after of the drama with her that I could not have an open relationship. I could not handle an open  or a poly relationship, I get paranoid and jealous. I want one loyal man who loves me for me (including my health issues). My ex was not the one, and I am glad we did not get married. 
He started to talk to another girl online, stories, then personal and then sexually while I was sitting in the same room. He said he had no idea what he felt, but he wouldn’t comfort me when I cried, he pushed me away when Facebook would go off. The online girl really was scam artist who think was a liar just to keep his attention, which she did. She changed him right front of my eyes. I needed support with the doctors I saw but he needed his own time. No, he needed more time with her. He said their anniversary was September 7th, but we didn’t break up until September 9th. 

I have 4 doctors and 2 therapists. I have endometriosis hyperplasia  (hormonal imbalance which causes me to have amenia, I bleed too much. I was down to 6.2, and I was supposed to between a 12 and 13.) I also have sleep apnea, depression, social anxiety, trust issues, and ptsd. Sometimes I’m so stressed, I also fight insomnia. 

There are times I want and try to enjoy sex until I start to bleed heavy or cramp and the endometriosis can cause that. Other times where I just want to cuddle and my manly submissive boyfriend hold me and tell me: “I love you anyway, and it will be okay.” Is that too much to ask for? 
(the thing is if my ex had just went to the doctor with me and held me when I cried instead of talking  online, we would have still been together. It was bull sh*t that he had no idea what he felt . . . Was clear to me and everyone else. He liked Internet girl and I was his emotional cook and errand girl.

 However three times he almost rolled me off the bed to get the damn ding on facebook. To this day, I have turned off the sounds on Facebook, because it makes me want to threw my computer across the room. I love my computer, I current miss it as I need a cord to use it. My mom let’s me borrow her tablet for my blogging. )
Sex is not the same. I am figuring out what I want and I will not settle. I settled for him, and we weren’t happy. I’m currently in pieces. .. . Just a shell of soul and still in extreme pain. I’m trying to release things and let my anger go. 
I know I want a loyal submissive manly boyfriend who loves and supports me for who I am and doesn’t try to seeking others. 


Lost it, literally. Sniffle, sniffle sigh. 

I am losing my damn mind. I just wrote out a memo in which maxed out the characters and I was not finished. I had probably wrote 2500 words or more . . . I hit crtl a to select all, but did not hit crtl when I hit c to copy, and I lost all of it. It was for therapy and notes for my novel I was working on. I am going grief and then rewrite, luckily I have main notes written down. However my second version is not going to be as good as my first. (I hope it flows.)






Drinks more coffee. 

Now to write. It. Again. Sniffle, sniffle sigh. 

What I would do. . .

I saw that Mega Millions jackpot is worth 262 million dollars. What would do if I won. . .

I would. . .

  • Give to several animal charities in my grandma Pat name. 
  • Buy several houses and cars for some friends
  • Invest in the stock market 
  • I would give back to all of the churches, pantries, and communities that have helped me.
  • I would help my family with paying off houses and debt.
  • I would have a cat sanctuary and a dog sanctuary  two different houses. 
  • Have my own house 
  • work on my writing   
  • Travel

Wish. . .

I wish I could post more positive stuff and feel happy. Blah.

I wish I didn’t feel like a wholy deflated balloon in a dried up mud puddle just stuck. Eh

I wish I could sleep right and not wake up every other hour nauseated. Sigh

I wish I could be cuddling with a cute guy who is psyched about me while we are petting cuddly kittens together binging netflix with a buffet of soda and snack foods. Please

I wish I was sitting a desk with my favorite coffee working on my writing, feeling: confident, motivated, and focus. Yes.

I wish I had the money to help several communities that have helped me. Hope.

What the **** is wrong with me?

I feel like someone has put a curse on me. It’s been hard to find happiness. 

Coffee and soda are just means to stay awake. I’m starting to wonder why?

  • My computer is still down. Damn cord issues. 
  • I can only get Internet outside. (This humidity is making me sick.)
  • TV is empty hours of wasted time. 
  • I have no motivation or focus. 
  • I’m behind in my word count. 
  • The guy and friend (long distance boyfriend) I had feelings for (and still do) just drops me, not real closure. 
  • My past keeps Haunting me. 
  • I have drunken and high neighbors who make me feel very uncomfortable. 
  • I constantly feel on edge since I had my break down on Thursdays.
  • I had a break down Thursday and cried for the first time since my exs death.
  • I miss my cats really bad.
  • I cannot find happiness. I think the last time I had it, was before 2013. 
  • I’m afraid to say the wrong to anyone in fear someone will throw me in a rubber room  and lose the key. 
  • I feel I have lost myself when tom cheated on me. 
  • I truly felt more alone than I ever felt when I saw my ex BFF and ex bf fucking. (I had a nervous breakdown down then too, and their idea of cure was getting drunk.)
  • I want to be in the middle and control everything. 
  • Coffee, soda, and candy aren’t fun anymore.

    What the fuck is wrong with me?