My current warnings

1. I can’t cry. I feel like a robot: emotional stuck.
2. I want to be happy too, but again I’m emotionally stuck.
3. Im hormonal. It’s due to endometriosis. My body does make enough of one hormone, so others are unbalanced.
4. I can freak out at anytime: I can go from nice to total bitch. It’s because my hormones are not balanced.
5. I can be in pain, usually in my pelvic area also due to endometriosis. This can make sex hurt for me.
6. I can startle easily. However I love a horror movie with unpredictable twists. They are hard to find in this days blah and remakes.
7. I can easily get stuck in a good book, computer/tablet, or notebook/writing.
8. I hate to clean, but I hate bugs and spiders more
9. I only like to clean alone with music blasting.
10. I am not an outdoor girl.
11. I am not a girly-girl. I do not owe a dress or make up. I will not wear high heels, in fact, I own one pair of shoes, and two slippers.
12. I dislike/hate authority. Advise/guide/suggest to me, but do not tell me what to do with attitude or I will turn into a bitch.
13. I’m not into drug, drinking, smoking, and not into those who are drunk or smoke.
14. I can talk myself to organize.
15. I am not a baby/kid person.
16. I prefer cats over dogs and kids.
17. I am not vanilla (sexually), and I cannot got back. (I have a seprate blog for that.)
18. I work better between 11pm and 6am for now. It may change as my sleep cycle never stays the same for long.
19. I prefer my weather semi sunny between 55 and 75 degrees.
20. I prefer Pepsi over Coke. I know the difference. I also know the difference between regular and diet.

What I Learned in 2017

1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 

I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

What I Learned in 2017

1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 

I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

Security

I’ve been thinking about what security is for me. Many say money is security, but 90% of jobs are not secure any more, so how can money be security. . . unless you own more than one business, have good stocks, or is a CEO of a major corporation. Most of these bosses will cut a guy working there ten year to hire two guys to do the same job for just a few dollars less. So money is not security. 

Money is nice, but I really would not know what to do with lots of money. . . I know if I won the lottery, I was told in a dream. . .. That 2/3rds of the money must go to someone or thing else. So I would give to charities and places and people that have helped me in my past. It would also go to people who need that extra boost.  I like helping people. 

However too much money would worry me as I afraid someone would break in and hurt the ones I care about or myself just to get some money that they will blow on alcohol and drugs to hide from their conscience that they did wrong. When they run out of their crutches, they will hurt someone else for more money. Too much money, even with a security system and trained pets, is not security for me. 

I know extra money is nice to travel, dine out, shop, go to parties or enjoy more things. Then it also scares me that people show up when you have money that would have never been there if you were broke. How do you know your friendship or relationship are build on trust or the false security and wrong love of money?

Security to me is when I have my hand in my special guy and I feel I can take on the world. I feel safe and truly loved ( not the love over what you have, but who you are). This has happened only once ( Tom). I hope to have the feeling again. I just hope the man I feel safe and secure with also loves and truly, loyally adores me. 

What I want right now…

• I want a house (shared with family) with my own space. I don’t need my own per say, but just my own space that I can make my own.  

1. Desk for my working computer with a comfy chair
2. My own recliner with soft sheet set.
3. Place for my writing
4. Bigger kitchen to cook and bake
5. I want a book shelf where I can store my books. Note: buy more books

• I want at least two cats. I want them cuddly and trainable. Yes, I have trained my cats, to beg for treats, follow me, and ask for food.
• I want a place close to city where mom or I can find at least a part time job. 
• I want a place where I can paint. 
• I want a bathroom with a large tub, I can soak in.  
• Internet and cable throughout the house. 
• Good heat and a/c
• Friendly neighbors
• More friends that really get me
• I want my health and sleep to get better
• Honest people (No catfish and canceled dates)

Recent Sleep schedule

Note: I’ve tried to keep coffee stopped by 6pm and soda by 10pm. 

Dec 1 2am to 8:15 9:20 to 10:35       choppy and feels exhausted

Dec 2 4am to 12:15pm                       still exhausted. Choked a few times

Dec 3 1:30am to 6:15 and   6:45 to  8:15 and   9 to 12 very choppy and foggy,                                                                 headache, and crampy
Dec 4 12:15 to 8:05am and 9:15 to 12:35  exhausted, hard to get up 

Dec 5 2:30 to 8:15 and 9:15 to 11:15      bad dream, tossed and turn alot

Dec 6 1:35 to 8:35  and 9:15 to 11 and 11:35 to 1. Foggy, exhausted

Dec 7 1:45 to 10:55 and 11to 1 and 4:45 to 715 could not stay awake

Dec 8 3am to 11:30                                  very choppy sleep

Dec 9 2:45 to 1:15                                     not super tired but foggy
The more I sleep through the night, the better I am. 

Between, hormonal issues, sleep apnea, headaches, depression, and other mental issues. . . My sleep just is not balanced. 

2017 death, men, meh.

It has been a trying year.

 I think I’ve had more bad days and blah days than nice days. 

I’ve lost more people and been more rejected this year than all of my life. 

I’m not sure why or how I keep doing it. 

With the winter coming, I will need as much mental help as I can get. . .

I claim now 2018 . . . Better than 2017. 

Sleep issues: Sleep Apnea

It sucks. I have sleep apnea-it means that my throat does not open properly or let me inhale enough air. I snore hard and I gasp and choke from lack of oxygen.

Things that happen when you don’t get quality sleep. . .

1.  Always exhausted
2. Headaches 
3. Blue lips from lack of oxygen
4. Rings or begs under the eyes
5. Dizzy
6. Sick easier
7. Hard to focus

All I want to do is to stay in bed and watch tv if Ican focus at all. It’s impossible to keep a steady job, which makes me feel like a failure and makes my depression higher. (Even now I forced myself out of bed, I’m fighting a headache, and I’m pushing myself to type.)

 I’ve tried so many things. . .

1. Three or more pillows, helps to a point. 
2. Fan
3. Sleeping in a recliner
4. Sleeping at different times a day

 I am currently in the process of fixing with my doctor over it. 

Sleep issues: Sleep Apnea

It sucks. I have sleep apnea-it means that my throat does not open properly or let me inhale enough air. I snore hard and I gasp and choke from lack of oxygen.

Things that happen when you don’t get quality sleep. . .

1.  Always exhausted
2. Headaches 
3. Blue lips from lack of oxygen
4. Rings or begs under the eyes
5. Dizzy
6. Sick easier
7. Hard to focus

All I want to do is to stay in bed and watch tv if Ican focus at all. It’s impossible to keep a steady job, which makes me feel like a failure and makes my depression higher. (Even now I forced myself out of bed, I’m fighting a headache, and I’m pushing myself to type.)

 I’ve tried so many things. . .

1. Three or more pillows, helps to a point. 
2. Fan
3. Sleeping in a recliner
4. Sleeping at different times a day

 I am currently in the process of fixing with my doctor over it. 

Who I really am.

• ​I am a writer.

I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive. 

I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. (Http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com)

• I am a foodie.

I love food. (Yes, I am a bigger lady, and I am watching my weight for health. However I will not deny a new or fun food experience. )

 I enjoy making food, cooking, baking, and going out. (When I got out, I usually try to order something, I usually I will not make at home.)

• I am always learning.

I’m always researching for my writing. I’ve learned from life experience as well. 

I enjoy reading and finding out more about all kinds of things.

• I am a bear. (Or a bulldog whatever is cuter.)

I am a very determined person. The loyal person. The type of person who would do whatever I had to.

 I may be sweet or cranky doing it, it depends on how people treat me.