Bitter

Why I do feel majority of the world is full of cheaters, heartless bastards, catfish, scammers, murders, and just mean people?

Why do they want to steal and hurt others do bad?

I’m not at a bad person. I try to share, and I was taught to give of myself. However lately I don’t have much to give, and feel like I am getting ridiculed for catch a scam artist in there damn scam. 

I am not going to take a guilt trip for finding a scam. 

Sigh. 

I am a dope. 

This summer. . .

  •  I’ve had ten cancelled dates. 
  • Been blown off  by dozens of cute guys (probably due to my weight)
  • Been lied to by a catfish
  • And been on dozens of dead end chats
  • Been blocked three times
  • Been ignored for politics 
  • Now I can say I’ve almost been scammed three times (I do not trust anyone who says itune cards.)

Aren’t there any cute, real, decent loyal guys left?

The more I talk to people, the more I like cats. 

I need to stop thinking. . .

I need to stop thinking because the mixture of loneliness, desperation, and self doubt. . . I start to overthink and go against my first impression, and gut feeling. 

My gut is 95% correct. It always been on the money with what I truly need. 

However with my hormonal imbalance my heart and my head keeps twisting my thoughts. Then you add all this time I have in the mixture and my desperate thoughts are trying to sneak against my own boundaries. I put those there for a reason . . . Somethings make me uncomfortable.

My gut is telling me hold my ground.

But. . .

  • My hormones want to have fun. 
  • My broken heart wants comfort. 
  • My soul is hallow. 
  • My head is lonely. 

I just want a friend who gets me. 

Honesty is the best policy

Please be honest with me. . . 

If I am too fat for you, okay not everyone enjoys bbw. (I’m trying to get more fit, but I have I’ll move on. If you are worried about weight, it is easier to move too.)

If I am too harsh or not harsh enough, tell me.  (I am who I am, if I am too harsh for you, we will not fit.)

I know I am not a nurturer, or sympathetic.  (However I’m a very generous and caring person. I’m also empathetic at times, but that drains me.)

The thing I have learned from honesty is that it is easier to heal and move on. (Thing someone is spearing my feelings by lying is mean and a fool.)

Note: telling me these things, does NOT  mean I will change, but does mean we are probably not compatible and to move on.

There 7.6 billion people in the world, I’m NOT for everyone. Just be honest with me and yourself.

I’m just trying to find a honest person who communicates often and connects with me. Is that too much to ask?

Waiting. Eh. 

I’m stupid. 

I’m wasting time. 

I’m wasting life.

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on someone who has his own life. 

I’m  wasting my own time waiting on someone that if I am lucky may give me 20 minutes of his time. I am way worth more than 20 minutes. 

I need to stop waiting on someone who is too busy for me. 

I need to work on my own life.

I need to get myself and my computer fixed.

I need to focus on my writing. 

I need to love myself. 

I am so much better than this. 

Secret confession 

I’m learning I need to face my own feelings and emotions. I realize I need to do this to get back to myself and my happiness. 

My confession is the statements “I’m okay.” and “I’m fine.” Are my go to saying. It’s better than explaining emotions or complaining about my life’s issues.  

For example, when someone asks “how are you? ”  I say ” I’m okay.” Instead of “my insurance gave me an error and I couldn’t get my meds. This guy push me to give him my number, and I wish I hadn’t. I just wasted a year on a guy who catfished and lied to me. The guy I think I like is too busy for me, but I can’t stop thinking of him.. My ride for errands cancelled on me. This is all making me edging and my anxiety is high. However our towel smell amazing.”

If I said all of that I think I would overwhelm a new person. 

I’ve been on a new therapy site called http://www.7cups.com and they have chats with groups, listeners and therapists. They also have tests and exercises to help with my depression and anxiety. I have getting more benefits from that site than my 2 therapists in real life. 

If you chat with me and I say fine or ok, there usually (9 times out of 10) there is more. Don’t ask about it unless you really want to hear about it, please. 

Meow, I miss you, Elmo

I know I have posted alot on cats, but growing up I’ve always loved and adored cats. I miss them purring in my ear, cuddling with me, sleeping with me, playing with them etc. 

I help raised and heal a cat and he slept with me for over a year. I hated leaving him (and my youngest bro.) I keep thinking about him and if he is ok. 


It just makes me sad that I had to leave him. I also have no cat at the moment. Sighs. 

My health: an invisible eh

If you saw me on the street, I look normal, maybe a little sluggish or tired.  

However  most don’t know what a struggle it is to get up. . .

Between my anemia (cause by endometriosis hyperplasia or hormonal female issues), my sleep apnea (Not enough oxygen when I sleep), anxiety (nightmares), and depression  (No motivation) . . .it’s a fight to get out of bed. Somedays I can barely keep my eyes open. 

It’s nice when I do get out, but even short trips make me exhausted. 

Writing stuff like these blogs can wipe me put.

I feel bad when I can barely make dinner or I have to watch mom do errands by herself, because I can barely make it out of bed. 

I have choked on my food before. 

Coffee work sometimes, not when my anemia is against me. 

I feel like I have mono all over again. Sigh.

I hate feeling this way.