“It’s my birthday. . .”

“And I’ll cry if I want to. . .”

I’m just in a really debunk depression that I cannot get out of. 

I hope to fake until I make it. . . 

And that that I at least get to write. 

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Who I really am. 

  • ​I am a writer.

I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive. 

I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. (Http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com)

  • I am a foodie.

I love food. (Yes, I am a bigger lady, and I am watching my weight for health. However I will not deny a new or fun food experience. )

 I enjoy making food, cooking, baking, and going out. (When I got out, I usually try to order something, I usually I will not make at home.)

  • I am always learning.

I’m always researching for my writing. I’ve learned from life experience as well. 

I enjoy reading and finding out more about all kinds of things.

  • I am a bear. (Or a bulldog whatever is cuter.)

I am a very determined person. The loyal person. The type of person who would do whatever I had to.

 I may be sweet or cranky doing it, it depends on how people treat me. 

My brain will not stop 

I can rant and go on and on, but my brain still will not stop. This has caused me insomnia and . .. 

 I’ve tried. . . .

  1. breathing exercises, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3
  2. Turning off the TV
  3. Mediating 
  4. Music
  5. Cutting down on my caffeine after 4

I’m still up 5 out 7 nights a week with my everlasting thoughts. 

Average thoughts

  1. Health issues, when will I get fixed
  2. Why do my hormones keep making me a b*tch?
  3. Food issues is there ever enough
  4. Why do I feel so useless? I do help with errands, and cooking
  5. Writing scheduling
  6. Errand scheduling
  7. Sleep issues and why I cannot sleep when I supposed to. 
  8. Depression
  9. Guys vs what I want 
  10. Hope’s and dreams vs depression

This what my head is like . . . 

Ideal day

My ideal day would be

8:30 Wakes up after hitting snooze twice. Get breakfast with coffee

9:00 Works out on indoor bike

9:30 Shower

9:45 Lotion, priming body

10:00 Checking email, research and notes or outlines for writing or errands

12:00 lunch

12:30 writing my blogs, novels

4:30 make dinner, or errands 

6:30 have dinner and clean up. 

7:00  Be with family or boyfriend before bed, TV, games etc

11:30  Research, read, and relax before bed, maybe a bath

1:30 go to bed. 

I’m Attracted To. . .

Im attracted to.  . .

  • Positivity
  • Hope
  • Intelligence 
  • Creativity
  • Man who can clean, but does not complain about
  • A man to cook with
  • Cuddlers
  • Like PDA
  • A cat lover
  • Loves coffee
  • Artist
  • Sports lover
  • Writers
  • Readers
  • Understanding and patient of my health issues
  • Supportive
  • Semi romantic 
  • Likes shopping
  • Anyone who can truly make me laugh
  • Someone who tries to get me (I’m complicated, but at least they try.)
  • Ambition 
  • Fit
  • Spiritual (At least in a street kindness meaning doing good for others.)

My coffee. Sigh. 

When I get stressed I easily get sick and/or drained. Over this last week I have been up and down.  Yesterday was hard on me. . . plans got cancelled. My medical insurance has issues now everything is pushed back and my anxiety is on high. My body fights between insomnia and bad sleep from sleep apnea. 

I crashed only to eat dinner at 9 last night. I was exhausted eating I was careful not to choke. However I went for a walk last night to get candy and coffee  (that would be my autobiography be called “Candy and Coffee.”) I walked home took like three sips of my coffee put in the fridge and thought about it all night even in my twisted dreams. 

My brother went to hand me it this morning, and it slipped and spilled all over the carpet . . .damn it. It just fits into the ahhhhh theme this week. Okay back to rotating water and Pepsi. 

Tomorrow is a new day and this are going to to get better.