Opened eyes

My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .

My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.

Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.

I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.

However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.

Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.

This was a metaphor. . .

I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.

I’ve learned a few things. . .

  • There are a few things that make me happy.
  • There are people that support me.
  • This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
  • Hope is a very good thing.
  • Coffee is liquid hope.
  • Creative cooking is fun.
  • I am responsible for me and my life.
  • Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
  • I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
  • Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
  • I need to let go and move on.
  • I love to write.
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Sitting here worried

My time of day is off.

My energy is off. . .

Im just off. . . It’s because I’m worried.

I’m worried because my mom is the hospital waiting on medical specialists to figure out what to do with her inopratiable hernia. She now has a small obstruction, so I just hope they can fix it.

Meanwhile I’m doing her work and my work on lots of caffeine . . . Mostly coffee.

I would be with my mom, but I have a procedure I’ve scheduled six weeks ago to figure out my own health problems. Sigh.

I’m going crazy, and I’m mentally off. My mom issues just make my problems seem so trivial right now. I hope to get things figured out.

My body doesn’t like clocks

My sleep schedules are really off. . .

If I fall asleep between 7 pm and 9pm will be up by the latest 2am and my schedule is completely off.

Then I usually write 2am until 8 am and the light has known to give me migraines. Grrr.

However my body loves to sleep between the hours of 7am to 1pm (or if anyone wants to text me in the morning. )

If I get at least a good five to nine hours, I write well.

Ideally I would love to go to bed 3am and wake up by 10am and write 12pm to 5pm, but my muses have different ideas.

I try to find just a few hours for myself.

Can’t I just have six hours for out time and 18 hours of active time?

I’m usually tired all of the time.

I have to thank whom ever made caffeine my best friend. I love coffee and my Pepsi.

ZZZ’s

I do enjoy sleep when I have good dreams and the air is just right not too hot or too cold. The blanket is comfy and smells good. I wake up actually feeling refreshed.

This usually only happens maybe 1 time out every 50.

I usually wake up stiff, tired or exhausted (like I didn’t sleep at all). I’ve either hot, cold, in pain, with a headache. . . Or have to wake up due to my bladder or panic attack or choking with breathing problems.

Sometimes I can sleep for 12 hours and feel like I had not slept all. Sometimes I can run all day on four good hours of sleep, again, this is rare. My depression makes me want to sleep even more and not get out of bed.

I have sleep apnea where I do not get enough air in or out. I snore very loud, get dry mouth, grind my teeth, wake up with jaw pain, and headaches.

Apnea makes me wake up choking, my lips to be blue due to lack of oxygen, my head is foggy and it’s hard to focus, my eyes twitch, my eyes are heavy. I get migraines and my stomach don’t settle.

My animea makes me exhausted. I was so tired from the lack of blood cells that I have choked on my food several times.

Caffeine or lack of caffeine really screws me up. If I drink coffee or energy (no ginsing) at the wrong times and my day and night schedules are off.

My anxiety fills my head will ideas and I’m up with insomnia, but I am usually a zombie.

With all of these problems sleep is hard for me.

My self-care basket

Things in My basket for a bad day

  • Self care basket
  • Chocolate brownies or cake
  • Pretzels
  • Pepsi
  • Coffee with flavored creamers
  • Dial shower gel (I love the feel and smell.)
  • Notebooks
  • Color pens
  • A book with a good twist
  • Pillows
  • Movies: comedies and chick flicks
  • My tablet with my personal play list (music)
  • Headset

“It’s my birthday. . .”

“And I’ll cry if I want to. . .”

I’m just in a really debunk depression that I cannot get out of. 

I hope to fake until I make it. . . 

And that that I at least get to write.