Opened eyes

My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .

My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.

Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.

I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.

However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.

Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.

This was a metaphor. . .

I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.

I’ve learned a few things. . .

  • There are a few things that make me happy.
  • There are people that support me.
  • This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
  • Hope is a very good thing.
  • Coffee is liquid hope.
  • Creative cooking is fun.
  • I am responsible for me and my life.
  • Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
  • I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
  • Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
  • I need to let go and move on.
  • I love to write.
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Goals

  • Word count by December 31, 2018 (400,000)
  • Finish “Driving Lies
  • Get my computer fixed
  • Get a new cord for my computer
  • Fixed my sleep apnea
  • Help mom with diet
  • Walk three times a week
  • Work on getting a daily word count of 3000
  • Work on wattpad account
  • Write more stories
  • Research and get a new place
  • Publish something
  • Work on personal project
  • Post up to 200 blogs this year (among all my blogs)
  • Succeed in camp Nanowrimo April 30k
  • Succeed in camp Nanowrimo July 30k
  • Succeed in Nanowrimo November 50k
  • release book
  • Figure out who I am

Note: some of this list will repeat on my writing goals on my writing http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com

April is going to busy

I know at four doctors I need to schedule in. . . Maybe four if I need a specialist for my hands. ( They keep swelling, and my joints hurt. It hurts sometimes to hold a pen or fork.)

I’m doing camp Nano but I’m only giving myself a word count of 30,000 for my main goal. It’s only 1k per day. I thinkmi can type that. I did 35,000 both last August and November. I how to write a book of short stories. I talk more about it in my writers blog. . . Rebekah Quinne

I also hope to walk at least three times a week. I want to get in better shape and get more energy. I’m hoping to sleep better from it and get more focus.

The thing is I’m doing this for me. I’ve learned that I need to focus on myself and heal myself before I can help others.

Finding a Guy

After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.

I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)

However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.

I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.

I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.

Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.

I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.

I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.

It’s been awhile

Things I’ve been up to. . .

  • I went out three times this week, which was nice. However I’m exhausted and it’s the weekend, grrr.
  • I worked on a release book. . . For my depression, anxiety, ptsd and spiritual so I can let go things and move on. . . I feel lighter and I’ve been sleeping better.
  • I’ve made several friends which is nice.
  • I’ve been trying to organize my writing.
  • I’m also trying to figure out why computer cord keeps buzzing: I think it’s a mixture of a bad cord and broke fan either way I need to take it to a computer guy.
  • My hands have swollen from writing so much. I think it’s carpal tunnel syndrome. . . Because water pills don’t always help and there is pain too. Bummer, huh?
  • I have finished draft one of my thriller novella trilogy “Driving Lies.” I know I keep bragging, but it’s a project that about 150,000 words give or take divided into three parts that started as a corny thriller script I wrote as a teenager because I needed more action in my life.
  • I’ve cooked a lot with the slow cooker.

I’ve been busy. I always try to stay busy.

Music

My love of music is a blessing and a curse. . . It depends on the song and my mood.

I can either take on the world or cry hiding in a hole. . . Depending on how the song pushed my emotions. It could make me laugh or haunt me with a bitter memory of my past.

Music is always something I go to no matter emotion I feel. It is expressive for me and I can make a play list for anytime in my life. Sometime a song just says the words, that I cannot get out of my head.

I was originally a music major in college. I found out that I had inner ear problem on my right ear and it made it hard to play one thing and sing another. I changed my major because of my ear, so music is a bittersweet thing for me.

He had a full haunted book shelf

Tom got me into so many things vampires, ghost, Paganism, and new age. His book shelf was full of these catorgies. 
I love how we used to read together. 

We both studied and celebrated Paganism and exploring the dark spiritual realm.