Pieces 

I’m in pieces right now. 

My soul is holding the broken, bloody pieces of my heart.
I’ve been trying to clean and put each piece back together,
but it has been a process.

I feel empty and alone
A shell of what I used to be
Maybe it’s good
Maybe I need to clean it out
To make room for new.

I mustfight through
Clean out
Smile and. . .
Move on.

Take the pieces of me
And make someone new. 
(c) Rebekah Quinne 2017

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I think I can heal now

I chatted with a guy online, I was apprehensive at first and I should have been
I have written this and rewritten  this because I am a professional and I try not to slander those who can so easily take down himself. 

I just know I chatted with a guy on here for over a year and then he gets over sensitive and blocks me. I truly had no idea why he dropped me. 

I was going to post his name on here, but I know it’s not right. As much as I would like random people yelling at him for me, it’s not going to help me heal.  

He lied to me. However I got on a friend’s profile to find out he is causing his own soap opera. 

The thing was i thought that he was someone who understood me, but if he truly understood me . . . He would have been just honest with me, let us be be friends and move on.

I spend days wondering what I did wrong? What did I do to piss him off? What was wrong with me? I was hurt, broken all over again. Why would he talk to me everyday for over a year than to just to hurt me?

I just wish he was real and honest with me. I’m more hurt that he snunk behind my back than to say it is not going to work out. 
Maybe no one really gets me and I am just kidding myself. I am such a fool. 

At least, I know the truth and can and will move on. 

How do I get over him? 

I feel like the Gain laundry soap commercial.  . . “How do I get over her? She left month ago!”

It’s been 8 months (Tom’s, my ex, birthday month). I’ll be honest, he crushed me. However the shattered pieces of my heart still have memories and extreme emotion on them. (I need emotional cleansing. The thing was if he was still alive, I would have not gotten back with him. We are two different people.)

I feel bad he died young. (He would have been 37 on the 17th.) 

However all of these things we would have really enjoyed are popping up everywhere.

  • He was a “Dark Tower” fan.
  • True Blood writers made a new show Midnight, Texas. 
  • WWE has a new tap wrestling game.

I know there is more. I can’t think right now. How am I supposed get over when I’m around all of the things he likes?

Sigh! Only Words

Warning: Adult Rating

I still like him alot—at least the version of the guy in my head.

It started out as two writers working on a few online stories together. Then we talked and shared personal stuff. Next we know the “L” word get passed over some texts. A few phone calls and lots of pictures. . .

Stress and problems share. . . words of hope.

Then nightmares and depression has me struggling to believe anything and makes me feel alone. My fear haunted me. . . that he catfished (as I have been before), that he is married, that he is not who he says he is.)-0-

We never met and the dark cloud in my head believes we well never meet and keep telling me to move on.

365 days of feelings, arguments, stories, chats. . . I enjoyed it all, but I wanted and needed and still WANT and NEED more.

I want to cuddle, kiss, make out, dance, have sex with lots of foreplay, sleep together, spooning, get have him see me be bashful and blush.

I guess the Fates feel we are just not ready for each other (yet if at all.)

I am not the type to handle a long timed– long distanced relationship with someone with similar problems as mine. Sigh.

Reality vs Fantasy

The version of people, places, dreams in my head are usually 75% or more way better than those in reality.

I do this with guys a lot; especially the pretty guys with hot eyes and nice chest. . . I always make them more sweet, caring and interested in me in my head than they are in reality.
In reality, they are busy with their own lives. I’m probably not on the first of their list.
In my head, they all head over heels for me. They make time for me and they want to please me and have me please them. (All of the naughty gossiping whispers are about how “good” I am.)
I really love the “naughty” and “nice” ideas in my head. 

I need to stop fantasizing and face reality. . . just makes my depression worst. Grrrr.  Movies and media do not help.

Reality makes my anxiety go nuts, because I think too much. I like the idea of a guy into me, but in reality the guy was just there for the moment. Or he was nothing like what he was in my head.

My unicorn would be the guy I see in my head and reality.

I should just stick my making my fictional characters worshiping. . . to them I am a goddess.

 

Last 6 Months. . .

“Oh be aware the of Idles of March. . . (two days.)” <– I laugh at you.

 

The last six months have been crazy. . .

I know the weak would have not survived . . . .or at least locked themselves away for a lot less. . .

I have at least a dozen people that I have been there in my head that have kept me going in their own way. (Whether they were happy, worried or mad at me.)

I am very thankful for whatever they did. . . made me laugh, took me to a doctor, texted me, or just gave me a hug. . . even the smallest thing meant something to me.

I have no idea how I am going to return my appreciation to these people. . . they know who they are.

th

Okay. . . now to get to the drama. . .

It started in October-November when I just got overwhelmed. I got pushed with a baby, (not mine). . . it is an anxiety for me: I’m afraid of dropping an infant. I can handle a toddler a small for amount of time, until it starts crying and screaming, and then I want to go in a corner and cover my ears. It has to do with the fact that I was burnt out with kids at very early age. . . they pushed nursery, day care, early childhood education. . . I went to school to deal with kids, I came home to deal with kids, and I even dealt with kids at church. I had almost forgot what being an adult was like.

In November, I had nervous break down. I was told to find a therapist or lock myself away. I found a therapist and diagnosed with depression and anxiety. (The worst part is that my brain will not stop. . . I am constantly thinking about something. . . worrying, hoping, fearing etc. I feel trapped and suck in my own thoughts. I just want it stop for a while. )

I also felt I was being pushed away for Thanksgiving. . . I felt because I had my fit. . . like they watched what they did and said with me.

In December, I pissed off my father’s side of the family which is not what I meant to do, but I felt I NEEDED to help Tom. He had been through hell and back. . . I knew his last girlfriend wasn’t supportive, which was what I wanted out of Karma. (So be careful what you ask of Karma. . . it just might happen that way. It was not what I wanted. . . or at least didn’t feel as satisfying as I wanted it to be.)

However I was NOT looking to get back with Tom; in reality I just knew he needed help. To be honest, my heart was shattered and he had the hammer, so to speak. I called him dear out of habit; we had been together 8 years, and I am still working things out.

I would have communicated with my family if they didn’t make me feel like I just dealt with an AIDs victim and I was going to affect them. (I’m sorry I pissed them off, but they taught me if someone was in need to help them. I was supposed to help others. I had just wanted them to be proud at the fact that I was helping someone who needed it. . . I felt I was being the bigger person.)

I did a really good job. . . it wasn’t easy. I had to deal with cranky relatives, frustrated nurses, teams of doctors, and aides: everyone who wanted to do different things; I had to think to what was best for Tom. His medicine schedule was crazy: 6am, 9am, 1pm, 3pm, 6pm and 9pm . . . my birthday I was alone, Christmas and New Years I stayed in a hospital . . . that is the loneliness, most depressing place one could be during the holidays.

I felt horrible, because Tom asked me if he was going to get out of the hospital. . . I didn’t know what to really say . . . .so I told him to focus on one day at a time and use the main goal was get back home. I would have done more if I knew it would have never happened.

(What made me feel horrible was the bitter and threatening texts from people while I was nervously waiting during Tom’s unexpected surgery.)

In January, Tom was diagnosed with cancer that they believe started in the liver and had spread within days. He was off the vents, he was joking with his mother and I. . . then just two days later . . . he was just gone. Dealing with death has always been a roller-coaster for me. . . sometimes I am calm, cool while everyone else is sobbing, and then out of the blue I will hear a song or eat something and start crying because I think of him. (all I have to say is that eight years is a long time. He had just less than one-fourth of my life so far.)

January to now I have good friends who have supported me whether it be under their roof, or told a joke, or a hug. . . so I feel like I owe them so much. They have been there even with my depression and my anxiety. Now I feel like I am getting pass around. . . I have lost a piece of myself with Tom’s death. I also feel like an adventure, but my depression, anxiety, and worry still haunt my thoughts. . . (please calm down and let me sleep.)

happiness-is

What I want for 2017

Personal Goals for 2017

  1. I want to walk more. (At least three walks a week or several rounds on the stairs.)
  2. I want to lose weight. (80 pounds. . . ultimate goal.)
  3. I want to be more active.
  4. I want to stretch more. (No charlie horses.)
  5. I want to learn some basic yoga and be more physically flexible.
  6. I want my tight clothes to be looser.
  7. I want to lower my diabetes numbers.
  8. I want to try more recipes.
  9. I want to control my binge eating. I want to eat smaller sizes.
  10. I want to eat better.
  11. I want to get into the habit of three meals a day.
  12. I want to paint more.
  13. I want to read more.
  14. I want to save a little money.
  15. I want to meet my “wolfie.” He knows who he is.
  16. I want to deal, maybe even cure my anxiety and depression.
  17. I want to mediate more and be able to always access my happy place.
  18. I want to finish some of the projects I have started.
  19. I want to start some new projects.
  20. I want to help my ex get stronger and heal.

Confession 23

I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I feel like I am getting my own voice back.

Since mid November: I have been taking therapy. I have needed therapy for years and finally had a break down big enough that everyone agreed I needed help.
It took a break down for it to happen. Break down

My therapy has been helping, and the fact that I am on my own has helped.

I do not deal with someone over my head.

I hate when someone tells me what to do.

I like doing my own thing.

I hate feeling like I am judged when I don’t agree on something.

I HATE FEELING like a kid. I am an adult damn it!

Did I say I am glad I am on my own?

Confession 22: Reality Vs Fantasy

Why does it seem lately that everything seems better in my head?

Examples:

#1
In my head:
I wanted to go out to all you can eat wing place for my birthday and then have presents and dark forest cake afterward with part of my family and a few friends. There were would be laughs and good time with everyone.

Reality: I had several cats naps, because my sleep schedule is way off. Then for dinner a store bought pizza that wasn’t bad, but not what I wanted. I wanted a dark forest cake (chocolate and cherries), but what I got was a pumpkin pie that was just okay.

#2
In my head:
I am cuddling and getting massages with my boyfriend and playing with my cat.

Reality: I’m helping my ex without my cat.

#3
In my head:
I am touring promoting my books and give huge universe lectures on how to write a novel.

Reality: I can’t even write in my diary.  Damn writer’s block.

 

Reality Vs Fantasy: Sometimes reality sucks.
Did I do something wrong?