I need to stop thinking because the mixture of loneliness, desperation, and self doubt. . . I start to overthink and go against my first impression, and gut feeling.
My gut is 95% correct. It always been on the money with what I truly need.
However with my hormonal imbalance my heart and my head keeps twisting my thoughts. Then you add all this time I have in the mixture and my desperate thoughts are trying to sneak against my own boundaries. I put those there for a reason . . . Somethings make me uncomfortable.
My gut is telling me hold my ground.
But. . .
- My hormones want to have fun.
- My broken heart wants comfort.
- My soul is hallow.
- My head is lonely.
I just want a friend who gets me.
Please be honest with me. . .
If I am too fat for you, okay not everyone enjoys bbw. (I’m trying to get more fit, but I have I’ll move on. If you are worried about weight, it is easier to move too.)
If I am too harsh or not harsh enough, tell me. (I am who I am, if I am too harsh for you, we will not fit.)
I know I am not a nurturer, or sympathetic. (However I’m a very generous and caring person. I’m also empathetic at times, but that drains me.)
The thing I have learned from honesty is that it is easier to heal and move on. (Thing someone is spearing my feelings by lying is mean and a fool.)
Note: telling me these things, does NOT mean I will change, but does mean we are probably not compatible and to move on.
There 7.6 billion people in the world, I’m NOT for everyone. Just be honest with me and yourself.
I’m just trying to find a honest person who communicates often and connects with me. Is that too much to ask?
I’m wasting time.
I’m wasting life.
I’m waiting on someone who has his own life.
I’m wasting my own time waiting on someone that if I am lucky may give me 20 minutes of his time. I am way worth more than 20 minutes.
I need to stop waiting on someone who is too busy for me.
I need to work on my own life.
I need to get myself and my computer fixed.
I need to focus on my writing.
I need to love myself.
I am so much better than this.
Just the other day, I had a guy proposed to me and several men wanting some harsh version of me that I don’t want to be.
All day I was thinking about one guy, because I feel we are connected in an intellectual way. I also loved his positivity. (He also had gotten my mind off of this other guy who I had missed for two months now. )
HOWEVER. I am worried, there is an issue holding us back. He has a kid. I’m not a kid person, they can make my anxiety go off the charts. (My ex–stepmother really screwed it for me. I’m burnt out on kids because of her.)
I’m so flustered. I really like this guy, but does he have too much baggage? I’m so confused. I confronted him, and I feel like it’s just going to work. I know how important kids are, and I would never tell someone to change their life for me.
I just feel a few days ago all these guys were into me and now I’m all alone. Sigh.
I should be sleeping, BUT . . .
My mind will not stop.
Things on my mind. . .
- Who is right one for me?
- Am I going to be alone forever?
- Why do I keep having headaches?
- My head knows I need to deal with my past, but my hormones say I’m lonely.
- I just want to cuddle.
- Will I ever get better?
- Will I ever be happy again?
- Will I ever get a cat?
- Will my family be ok? (Can I move on?)
- Why am I still mad?
- Why all I want to do is cry?
- Why do I keep pushing nice people away?
- Will my the blemishes on my face ever clear?
- Will I lose weight or at least get fit for more energy?
- Why does my body want to sleep up to 18 hours or not at all?
- Why do I feel I kicked in the gut for doing something good?
- Why do I feel like I get handled wrong or used?
- Why do people use me?
- Will I will the lottery?
When I get stressed I easily get sick and/or drained. Over this last week I have been up and down. Yesterday was hard on me. . . plans got cancelled. My medical insurance has issues now everything is pushed back and my anxiety is on high. My body fights between insomnia and bad sleep from sleep apnea.
I crashed only to eat dinner at 9 last night. I was exhausted eating I was careful not to choke. However I went for a walk last night to get candy and coffee (that would be my autobiography be called “Candy and Coffee.”) I walked home took like three sips of my coffee put in the fridge and thought about it all night even in my twisted dreams.
My brother went to hand me it this morning, and it slipped and spilled all over the carpet . . .damn it. It just fits into the ahhhhh theme this week. Okay back to rotating water and Pepsi.
Tomorrow is a new day and this are going to to get better.
Things that make me happy
- Getting an a long e-mail
- Good Sex with lots of foreplay
- Hours of unbothered writing
- Writing 10,000 words in a day
- Finishing (reading) a good book
- A story with a good twist
- Not being able to predict something
- Going out
- Helping others
- Making others happy
- Cuddling with someone nice during a movie
- Kissing and making out
- Getting actual mail: letters and package
- Bubble bath
- Having energy
- A nice walk
- Lots of pillows and comfy bed
- Good night sleep
- Talking all night
- Going to the zoo
- Good Morning Greeting
- Spooning: I like the inner spoon
- A good tone male hairless chest
- A fit six pack ab
- Bright blue or blue-green eyes
- A nice smile
- Hair on the a guy’s head that I can run my hand through
- A night of card or board games with friends
1. A good cup of coffee
3. A Sweet text
4. Fried chicken
5. Soda-pop (pepsi)
6. New notebook
7. New colored pens
8. Clean clothes with tide
9. Clean sheets
10. First kiss
11. A good movie
12. A good book
13. Agood joke
15. Not having to put groceries back at the register
18. Writing a story
19. Finishing a writing project
21. Writing several blogs
22. A bubble bath
23. Going out
24. Ice cream
26. Dark Forest Cake
27. Time to write
29. Secretly dancing
30. Good night sleep
32. A good song
35. Body Spray
36. a long drive
Warning: Adult Rating
I still like him alot—at least the version of the guy in my head.
It started out as two writers working on a few online stories together. Then we talked and shared personal stuff. Next we know the “L” word get passed over some texts. A few phone calls and lots of pictures. . .
Stress and problems share. . . words of hope.
Then nightmares and depression has me struggling to believe anything and makes me feel alone. My fear haunted me. . . that he catfished (as I have been before), that he is married, that he is not who he says he is.)-0-
We never met and the dark cloud in my head believes we well never meet and keep telling me to move on.
365 days of feelings, arguments, stories, chats. . . I enjoyed it all, but I wanted and needed and still WANT and NEED more.
I want to cuddle, kiss, make out, dance, have sex with lots of foreplay, sleep together, spooning, get have him see me be bashful and blush.
I guess the Fates feel we are just not ready for each other (yet if at all.)
I am not the type to handle a long timed– long distanced relationship with someone with similar problems as mine. Sigh.