My Bad Habits
1. “I’m sorry.” I will say it even if I did nothing wrong. If the situation is wrong or bad. “I’m sorry.” Are the few words that come out of my mouth as if it’s my fault, it rained or that hot woman didn’t like you. It’s a bad force of the habit. I am the oldest of my siblings… and if something went wrong … it was my instant go to.
However I will not simply accept “I’m sorry,” or flower (I prefer candy or notebooks and pens.) for an apology especially if a person does not tell me what they are sorry about.
2. Over thinking… I question everything and if I have to rethink my questions and ideas … I wonder if my original ideas were right or wrong… I have talked myself out dates, meeting people, new experiences, jobs, writing projects. Please do NOT make me rethink my ideas.
I try myself to follow my hunches (gut), hearts, and then head… in that order.
3. I’m too soft. I feel I give in to easily, because I do not want to be alone. I have done stuff or meet people that I know don’t fit just because I want to get out. I need to stop this.
4. I keep blaming my health. I got dealt a weird and weak hand with life. I have to stop blaming myself for bad health and get creative. My health can impact my moodiness. I really need to stop hiding behind my health problems.
5. I can be lazy. I can write for hours or walk over a mile but I hate to clean. I simply blame my laziness. My laziness can talk me out of doing things… it’s hard to motivate myself when I simply do not want to do something.
6. I love food, and it can be a weakness such as going to my favorite restaurant. I love to cook, bake, and having nice dinner parties (nothing fancy just friends, food, games and movies.) It is a weakness to me, and lately it’s one of my only motivation which is sad.
I need to face my weaknesses…
- Food and shopping. (I love shopping whether it’s for fun or I have a list and goals.)
- Feeling guilty after bitchiness even someone deserves it. (I should only feel guilty if the person did not purposely push my buttons.)
- Loneliness vs being semi-social. (I have to understand not everyone has such an open schedule like I do. However there are time where I am simply tired, focused, or just too drained than to talked to people.)
I’m writing Short Stories.
I put my feelings in each one. These are flash fiction but very personal. In the last few year my heart and soul shattered, each of these pieces are my a piece of shattered heart and soul.
I hope to find myself and piece myself together.
I’m posting them on my Short Story blog. . .
Rebekah Quinne Short Stories
Ironic this writing assignment is over a week late to deadline (anniversary of Toms death January 13th.) The irony is that it was usually Tom nagging me, pushing me to finish my writing on time. Another ironic thing is Interview with a Vampire is playing in the background. Tom’s favorite movie.
Tom’s Dream Funeral
I lived with Tom for 8 years. . . I like to believe you get to know someone really well in 8 years.
As lovely and simple as the real funeral was . . . it was not what Tom would have wanted. He told first of all, he wanted to be biodiamonds. He wanted to be made into jewelry for those closest to him. I would have requested a ring for my middle finger on right hand. The right hand is my dominant and he taught me to say “fuck it” sometimes.
I think it would be in the woods with candles, latter’s and huge bonfire. We have a fake body in which we burn while celebrating him moving into a different realm. We drink, eat, listen to his favorite classic rock music. We sit around the fire and tell stories of him.
What I miss the most, I’ll never find anyone as passionate as he was. He bold, daring, loud, and rambunctious. There was rarely a dull moment with him. Whether it was him yelling at TV over wrestling or football or passionate reciting Lestat quotes from Anne Rice.
I also think I never got to appreciate the way he should have been. He taught me so much about love, hope, dreams, support, and passionate. I hope he knows he will always be remembered for his liveliness.
I laugh because I know he will still haunt me. (He celebrated his birthdays for weeks, not days.)
I’m talking about my ex Tom. He was my longest relationship so far. It is hard to get him out of my head . . . he passed away from cancer January 13, 2017. (Saturday will be his anniversary of his death.)
So starting today, I’m going to highlight a different thing about him until Saturday and I will write out his funeral the way he would have wanted it.
(I find it funny that I told myself I was going to give myself until December 31st, 2017 and move on. He and I both know I am trying, but when someone lives you for 8 years of your life, they make an impact. )
Why don’t people listen to me when I say they can’t handle me?
I have depression and anxiety, and there are times I cannot deal with life. I need to go into my Sim games, my art, my walking, or most of my fictional writing. It is a process for me to come back to me. I’m usually a very positive, perky person, but over the years, life has worn me down.
I need positive people. I need someone who will encourage me, to keep my spirits up.
I do not need someone who complains about everything in life. I do not need someone so toxic that even the sun shine is bitch. I met someone like this. . . and tried to be friends. He never ask me about me, just complained about everything from work to his place to food. He even tried to joke about his complains, thinking he was being cute. A complaint is a complaint whether you whine, snap, bitch, or laugh about it. I couldn’t take it, and said whatever. (That was my depression talking, but I realize I couldn’t help him, and he was pulling me down. He made me feel insecure of who I was, and I had to save myself.)
I did feel bad he had no friends, but now I know why.
Then he said he was done, but I’m not going to fight back. I know is going to complain about me. I have my own problems. However I hope down the road, he find someone special and string who makes his complaints fade away. (Even though I’m hurt, I still hope he finds happiness. That is just who I am.)
It was weird my one of my distractions . . . actually relaxed me enough to put me to sleep last night.
With in the 24 hour period, I have gone up 76 levels in candy crush soda saga (its different and more challenging than just the original candy crush.)
I would have stopped but I kept getting free rewards and extra . . . I fell asleep with 8 free hours of the chocolate bombs, 7 hours of the sour candies that change colors, 9 hours of the fishes. I also had up 6 hours of unlimited play. Grrrrr.
I need to use my energy to write blogs . . . for the year in review and new year resolutions.
However last night (and the last three or four weeks) my stomach has been giving me problems. Once my medical gets fixed, I plan to see several doctors. The game and playing music was my only distraction from my stomach issues. So I guess it did it job.
- Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
- You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
- Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
- Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
- Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
- There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
- People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
- Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.)
- Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
- I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.)
I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot.