Finding a Guy

After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.

I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)

However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.

I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.

I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.

Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.

I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.

I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.

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My Short Stories

I’m writing Short Stories.

I put my feelings in each one. These are flash fiction but very personal. In the last few year my heart and soul shattered, each of these pieces are my a piece of shattered heart and soul.

I hope to find myself and piece myself together.

I’m posting them on my Short Story blog. . .

Rebekah Quinne Short Stories

I’m giving him 5 more days and I’m done

I laugh because I know he will still haunt me. (He celebrated his birthdays for weeks, not days.) 

I’m talking about my ex Tom. He was my longest relationship so far. It is hard to get him out of my head . . . he passed away from cancer January 13, 2017.  (Saturday will be his anniversary of his death.) 

So starting today, I’m going to highlight a different thing about him until Saturday and I will write out his funeral the way he would have wanted it. 

(I find it funny that I told myself I was going to give myself until December 31st, 2017 and move on. He and I both know I am trying, but when someone lives you for 8 years of your life, they make an impact. ) 

5 minute rant: saving my self

Why don’t people listen to me when I say they can’t handle me

I have depression and anxiety, and there are times I cannot deal with life. I need to go into my Sim games, my art, my walking, or most of my fictional writing.  It is a process for me to come back to me. I’m usually a very positive, perky person, but over the years, life has worn me down. 

I need positive people. I need someone who will encourage me, to keep my spirits up. 

I do not need someone who complains about everything in life. I do not need someone so toxic that even the sun shine is bitch. I met someone like this. .  . and tried to be friends. He never ask me about me, just complained about everything from work to his place to food. He even tried to joke about his complains, thinking he was being cute. A complaint is a complaint whether you whine, snap, bitch, or laugh about it.  I couldn’t take it, and said whatever. (That was my depression talking, but I realize I couldn’t help him, and he was pulling me down. He made me feel insecure of who I was, and I had to save myself.)

I did feel bad he had no friends, but now I know why. 

 

Then he said he was done, but I’m not going to fight back. I know is going to complain about me. I have my own problems. However I hope down the road, he find someone special and string who makes his complaints fade away. (Even though I’m hurt, I still hope he finds happiness. That is just who I am.)

Security

I’ve been thinking about what security is for me. Many say money is security, but 90% of jobs are not secure any more, so how can money be security. . . unless you own more than one business, have good stocks, or is a CEO of a major corporation. Most of these bosses will cut a guy working there ten year to hire two guys to do the same job for just a few dollars less. So money is not security. 

Money is nice, but I really would not know what to do with lots of money. . . I know if I won the lottery, I was told in a dream. . .. That 2/3rds of the money must go to someone or thing else. So I would give to charities and places and people that have helped me in my past. It would also go to people who need that extra boost.  I like helping people. 

However too much money would worry me as I afraid someone would break in and hurt the ones I care about or myself just to get some money that they will blow on alcohol and drugs to hide from their conscience that they did wrong. When they run out of their crutches, they will hurt someone else for more money. Too much money, even with a security system and trained pets, is not security for me

I know extra money is nice to travel, dine out, shop, go to parties or enjoy more things. Then it also scares me that people show up when you have money that would have never been there if you were broke. How do you know your friendship or relationship are build on trust or the false security and wrong love of money?

Security to me is when I have my hand in my special guy and I feel I can take on the world. I feel safe and truly loved ( not the love over what you have, but who you are). This has happened only once ( Tom). I hope to have the feeling again. I just hope the man I feel safe and secure with also loves and truly, loyally adores me. 

My bday . . . Why bother?

My birthday is Wednesday and I know it sounds like a bad lifetime movie, but after the year I had, I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday. 

However I met a guy just before Halloween, and it was nice and exciting at first. . . 

 But then I realize he was not the same guy. . . It was like he split personality. . .  Fun Tigger, which as time went on I rarely saw and wanted to complaining Eeyore. I have my own issues of depression, anxiety, and pstd which I’ve been holding back because I been trying to help him, but whatever I say rarely matters, because once he stops complaining over one thing, he’ll easily find another. 

We agreed to just be friends. I have this feeling his next thing he’ll complain on is my birthday. He was the one who promised me to take me and such. . . I never asked for it

I’m just not looking forward to my birthday and it sucks. 

I mean a nice dinner but with a complaining Eeyore, SIGH. 

Do I care too much?

Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.

We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.

January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.

In August of 2016, he got a successful  liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.

November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.

In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)

I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.

Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.

I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)

I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?

P.S.  since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole

Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors