My own defintions

I’m on http://www.7cups.com and they ask me to define the following words. . .

Depression, sadness, pain, mental illness, and mental health:

depression is stuck in a state of sadness or negativity, sometimes it paralyzing

sadness lack or losing happiness like a balloon losing air

pain uncomfort or a moment which the mind cannot understand the body

mental illness the accumulation of knowledge to know within the mind something is wrong (Note: I never said normal, that is just a setting on appliances)

mental health is knowledge and ways to improve and make the mental state of mind calmer, possibly better

In addition

Anxiety when repeating thought haunt me so much, they twist themselves into bigger worries than they really are

A long time to be in the shadows. . .

I’ve had anxiety has been since grade school. . . Started with test anxiety and dealing with a very hot-tempered father. I wanted to have good grades to impress my family at first. (I am not sure if I did.)

I struggled at times with tests, I knew the info, but my nerves would have the worst in me. Speeches always made me nervous, but I’m not sure why . . . Probably the grades stay on my record and my record is important for college. . . In which did help me get full grants . . . I have Associate of Arts collecting dust.

I enjoyed the challenge of college, but unlike high school, studying and notes are not always just given to you. No one is going to push you to study. I think they should have a Saturday class to see if you are college material. If you can handle the classes, a job, plus college extras. .. I’m just saying college to me was made up of my own made self-pushing and anxiety. I always want to excel.

Currently my anxiety deals with new people and new situation, I’m afraid to start over only to get hurt again. (It’s a common fear, but how do I get over it?)

I do feel my anxiety and depression goes hand in hand. I get nervous because I try so hard to make others happy, to please others, to get them to like me. . . and when they do not like me, I get depressed. (I know not everyone is going to like me. I can be a moody person, but I am helper, honest, and one of the most loyal people I know. So I know if you don’t like me, it’s not my lost, there will be others.)

Depression is shorter (as I have not been depressed as much as simply worried) , it started probably end of high school. The snowball probably started with my ex- stepmother threatening my hot-tempered father on me when things didn’t go her way. I was always a people pleaser, and if I couldn’t please them, then my self esteem would lower and I believe my depression developed. (I know now that the only one I can please is myself.)

My depression now is from lack of friends and a love life, mixed with my unbalanced emotional, mood swings from female issues. I guess I need to get out more.

• I feel like I can stand in a crowded room and no one would understand me.
• I feel like I can clearly blog my every emotion and yet I still feel alone and misunderstood.

I have several moments in my life that cause ptsd.

Car issues 1995, 1999, and 2016

Adult issues 2005, 2007, 2016

Emotional issues 2005-2006, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2016-2017

PTSD issues, I don’t feel like getting into details at this time.

Opened eyes

My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .

My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.

Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.

I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.

However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.

Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.

This was a metaphor. . .

I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.

I’ve learned a few things. . .

• There are a few things that make me happy.
• There are people that support me.
• This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
• Hope is a very good thing.
• Coffee is liquid hope.
• Creative cooking is fun.
• I am responsible for me and my life.
• Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
• I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
• Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
• I need to let go and move on.
• I love to write.

Being on best behavior

When first dating, I was always told you in need to bring your best foot forward and be on your best behavior. 

1. No burping on purpose. (Mouth closed and always say “Excuse me.”)
2. I have to hold my farts. (It really hurts to hold it back. It makes the stomach upset. I try to get to the bathroom to release gas, but the whole damn thing is embarrassing.)
3. No garlic or onion breath. (Always have gum or mints or candy )
4. Don’t eat out of plate in yesterdays clothes with mismatched socks. (You know you have done it or a variation . Lol)
5. Watch how much you cuss or yell at the tv with bad sports calls. (I was raised with brothers who enjoyed sports.
6. Be polite (9 times out 10, I am polite) 
7. No being moody or b*itchy (it is hard to hold back PMS if they are jerk.)
8. Watch my weirdness and creativity (It can scare off “normal” people.) 
9. Need to shave all of the right spots. (It feels nice, but is a lot of work.)
10. Dress up. (I know that guys want me to dress up, but it is not me. Unless you have a extremely nice place to take me, then there is no point in me dressing up.)

I am not sure if there is a guy worth all of this energy. I mean most of my best behavior isn’t really me. 

I am honest and can be a rough on the edges, but I am best damn loyal girlfriend you’ll ever have. 

My Current Soundtrack

My Current Soundtrack.

These songs mean something to me at the moment.

1. “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks or “Crazy Bitch” by Buck Cherry (For my many mood swings)
2. “Counting Stars” By One Republic (I am still hoping for my dreams.)
3. “Unwell” By Matchbox 20 (Self-explanatory)
4. “Demons” By Imagine Dragon (Fighting my temptation and depression in monster and demon form)
5. “Monster” by Imagine Dragons and “Monster” by Rhainna (I’m either fighting the monsters or hanging with them.)
6. “I’ll Be there” (Free Willy) by Michael Jackson (The world expects me to be a super hero.)
7. “Infected” by Repo! Genetic Opera (I feel like my sinuses and health kick my ass)
8. “S&M” by Beyonce (I’m a dominant, sensual Mistress.)
9. “Things I wouldn’t Say” by Avril Lavgine (If you knew me, why would I have to say them.)
10. “Freak The Freak out” by Victorious (I’m always freaking out nothing)
11. “Take a Hint” by Victorious (Too many guys just do not get it, I am not interested. Do you match my blog, if not then why bother?)
12. “Weird” By Hanson (I never seek normal).
13. “Desperado” by The Eagles (I love singing this songs, and sometimes I think I will ended up alone.)

 

Honorable mentions

14. “Complicated” Avril Lavgine
15. “The Thunder Rolls” Garth Brooks
16. “Still Haven’t Found what I’m Looking For” by U2
17. “Beautiful” By Christina Aguilera
18. “Zombie” By The Cranberries
19. “Created a Monster” By B.o.B.
20. “Titanium” by

 

Music is divided to me in different moods.

 

Love Songs

1. “Just as You Are” by Bruno Mars
2. “Haven’t Met You Yet” by Michael Buble
3. “Dream of Me” by Kirsten Dunst
4. “Love Song” The Wedding Singer by Adam Sandler
5. “Say You Won’t let me go” James Arthur
6. “A Thousand Years” Christina Perri
7. “Let Her go” Passenger
8. “Collide” Howie day
9. “Never Let Go” Hanson
10. “Dance with me Tonight” by Olly Murs

 

Happy or Encouraging Songs

1. “Titantium”
2. “This Time Around” by Hanson
3. “Shake it Off” Taylor Swift
4. “Wake Me Up” by Avicii
5. “Happy” by
6. “I Like to Move It” by
7. “Cha Cha Slide” by Casper
8. “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven
9. “Rock Star” Nickelback
10. “Shine in a Bag” By Gorillaz Or “Pocket of Sunshine” by Natasha Bedingfield

Inspiration Songs

1. “Cups” (Pitch Perfect) by Anna
2. “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons
3. “Drift Away” by Bob Seger
4. “You’ve got a Friend” James Taylor
5. “I’ll be There” (Free Willy) by Michael Jackson
6. “Imagine” by Mercy Me
7. “I’m Sensitive” “Life Uncommon,” or “Angel” by Jewel
8. “Need” by Jonathan Jackson
9. “You Rise Me Up”by Josh Gorban
10. “Shameless” by Garth Brooks or Billy Joel

Sad Songs

1. “Angel” Sarah McLachlan
2. “Without You” Mariah Carey
3. “The Rose” By Bett Mittler
4. “Desperado” The Eagles
5. “Chasing Cars” Snow Patrol
6. “My Heart Will Go On” Céline Dion
7. “I don’t want to miss a thing” Aerosmith
8. “Bridge of Trouble Waters” Simon and Garfunkel

Angry Songs

1. “Bad Things” by Wednesday 13
2. “Fuck the World” By ICP
3. “Down with the Sickness” By Disturbed
4. “Don’t Get Mad, get Even” By Aerosmith
5. “Enter Sandman” By Metallica
6. “Zombie” By Cranberries
7. “Crazy Bitch” Buck Cherry
8. “Fuck the Pain Away” Peaches
9. 2w

 

 

 

2017 things I want. . .

It’s been ten years and I have noticed a lot of thing have changed in who I am and what I want.

This is my list from 2007

 

2007 in THINGS I HAVE WANTED TO DO (INNOCENT AND GUILTY):

• Have my own place.
• Have my own car. (Note: Paid and manage by me. Not a hand me down.)

(How can I have my own car when I freak out behind the wheel?)

• Have a “rainy day” stash of money
• Buy something I can wear that’s designer

(Really? I’ve never gone after something designer. In fact, I cannot stand dressing up and heels.)

• Have sex outside

(I have a list on my naughty blog. I really do not like outside, especially with my sinuses.)

• Wake up to a guy kissing me
• Have a guy spoil me with nothing sexual in return
• Be romanced (Candle light, bath, flowers dancing etc.)
• Tickle and cuddle with a guy without sexual tension
• Continued to be romanced

(I never believed that I deserved to be romanced and swept off my feet, but with Tom had a few really nice moments.)

• Write another stage play
• Finish at least 3 out of 10 of my scripts within the year
• Publish at least one novel under my own

(11 to 13, I’m still working on my writing, but I have learned that it is a process.)

• Publish a book of poetry It’s now smash words
• Manage a credit card for one year and keep good credit
• Fine a guy who fits my personality (someone who can put up with me) (RIP Tom)
• Have someone throw me a surprise party (preferably on my Birthday) (Worst wish ever)
• Go to Disney World or Land with my boyfriend (before marriage or kids of my own, so I can still act like a kid.)
• Get the guts to sky dive
• Sky dive

(19 & 20 I’m not sure what I was thinking when making this list, but not common sense.)

• Have a friendship with a guy and have it turn into a relationship without it ruining the friendship
• Get my scripts put on the “big screen”
• Have a guy who looks attractive like me for me
• Learn patience
• Learn independence

(23 & 24 I’ve learned I need people in my life and I am not a patient person and I do not want to be. Why would I ask for that?)

• To bake for my boyfriend (For Health reasons.)
• To go on birth control
• Not to have kids until I’m at least 29
• Find a guy my age for an activity partner: Movies, music, darts, bowling, putt-putt
• To score at least 200 in a game of bowling

(Now that is a laugh. I have bowled probably like 5 times in the last ten years, unless you count wii bowling and I have over 200 with wii bowling.)

• To find a guy who will take care of me when I’m sick
• Learn self-control
• Learn self-discipline
• Learn self-motivation
• Be financially secure

(32 to 35 I just want to be able to be constant with my writing and eventually make a profit with my written artwork.)

 

2017 What I want now

 

1. No kids, I want at least two cats
2. Poly house
3. To make money on my writings
4. To finish and publish my writings
5. To have my own agent and editor
6. To have my own place with a nice kitchen and my own office
7. I want to be able t dine out at least once a week
8. Once I get a guy, I want a constant date per week.
9. Indoor picnic
10. More cuddling
11. Breakfast in bed
12. More massages
13. More hours of soaking in the tub
14. To know my mom and brother are taken care of
15. Constant encouragement

 

Smack the back of my head. My gut is always right.

Grrrrrr. I did it again. I ignored my gut feeling. 

My problem as a writer: I love words, and I love reading the right words. There are people out there all wrong for me, but can say just right thing at the perfect time. It catches you in the back of your mind and makes you have a war with that gut feeling saying it’s not right. 

My gut is not judgemental, it just knows what is truly best for me. I need to listen to it more. 

I want that situation in my life that is 90% too good to be true, usually it is. Sigh. 

The encouraging words is one of my Achilles heel. It makes me feel wronged when the words are empty. Because at this point in my life all I have our my words. So I try to fill them with hope, faith, and truth. I just wish others would at least be honest.