So tired

Why am I so tired? Coffee only works sometimes, sigh!

Why don’t I have energy?

I wake up, eat, do some phone calls, take meds, and go back to bed. Sighs!

5 hour energy shots help as long as I drink enough. However the crash is hard!

I hate my sleep issues….apnea and anemia. Between the both, I feel I have permanent mono.

How can I get daily energy?

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Opened eyes

My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .

My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.

Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.

I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.

However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.

Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.

This was a metaphor. . .

I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.

I’ve learned a few things. . .

  • There are a few things that make me happy.
  • There are people that support me.
  • This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
  • Hope is a very good thing.
  • Coffee is liquid hope.
  • Creative cooking is fun.
  • I am responsible for me and my life.
  • Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
  • I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
  • Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
  • I need to let go and move on.
  • I love to write.

My Bad Habits

My Bad Habits

1. “I’m sorry.” I will say it even if I did nothing wrong. If the situation is wrong or bad. “I’m sorry.” Are the few words that come out of my mouth as if it’s my fault, it rained or that hot woman didn’t like you. It’s a bad force of the habit. I am the oldest of my siblings… and if something went wrong … it was my instant go to.
However I will not simply accept “I’m sorry,” or flower (I prefer candy or notebooks and pens.) for an apology especially if a person does not tell me what they are sorry about.

2. Over thinking… I question everything and if I have to rethink my questions and ideas … I wonder if my original ideas were right or wrong… I have talked myself out dates, meeting people, new experiences, jobs, writing projects. Please do NOT make me rethink my ideas.
I try myself to follow my hunches (gut), hearts, and then head… in that order.

3. I’m too soft. I feel I give in to easily, because I do not want to be alone. I have done stuff or meet people that I know don’t fit just because I want to get out. I need to stop this.

4. I keep blaming my health. I got dealt a weird and weak hand with life. I have to stop blaming myself for bad health and get creative. My health can impact my moodiness. I really need to stop hiding behind my health problems.

5. I can be lazy. I can write for hours or walk over a mile but I hate to clean. I simply blame my laziness. My laziness can talk me out of doing things… it’s hard to motivate myself when I simply do not want to do something.

6. I love food, and it can be a weakness such as going to my favorite restaurant. I love to cook, bake, and having nice dinner parties (nothing fancy just friends, food, games and movies.) It is a weakness to me, and lately it’s one of my only motivation which is sad.

I need to face my weaknesses

  • Food and shopping. (I love shopping whether it’s for fun or I have a list and goals.)
  • Feeling guilty after bitchiness even someone deserves it. (I should only feel guilty if the person did not purposely push my buttons.)
  • Loneliness vs being semi-social. (I have to understand not everyone has such an open schedule like I do. However there are time where I am simply tired, focused, or just too drained than to talked to people.)

Distraction

It was weird my one of my distractions . . . actually relaxed me enough to put me to sleep last night. 

With in the 24 hour period, I have gone up 76 levels in candy crush soda saga (its different and more challenging than just the original candy crush.) 

I would have stopped but I kept getting free rewards and extra . . . I fell asleep with 8 free hours of the chocolate bombs, 7 hours of the sour candies that change colors, 9 hours of the fishes. I also had up 6 hours of unlimited play. Grrrrr. 

I need to use my energy to write blogs . . . for the year in review and new year resolutions. 

However last night (and the last three or four weeks) my stomach has been giving me problems. Once my medical gets fixed, I plan to see several doctors. The game and playing music was my only distraction from my stomach issues. So I guess it did it job.