Opened eyes

My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .

My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.

Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.

I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.

However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.

Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.

This was a metaphor. . .

I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.

I’ve learned a few things. . .

  • There are a few things that make me happy.
  • There are people that support me.
  • This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
  • Hope is a very good thing.
  • Coffee is liquid hope.
  • Creative cooking is fun.
  • I am responsible for me and my life.
  • Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
  • I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
  • Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
  • I need to let go and move on.
  • I love to write.
Advertisements

Goals

  • Word count by December 31, 2018 (400,000)
  • Finish “Driving Lies
  • Get my computer fixed
  • Get a new cord for my computer
  • Fixed my sleep apnea
  • Help mom with diet
  • Walk three times a week
  • Work on getting a daily word count of 3000
  • Work on wattpad account
  • Write more stories
  • Research and get a new place
  • Publish something
  • Work on personal project
  • Post up to 200 blogs this year (among all my blogs)
  • Succeed in camp Nanowrimo April 30k
  • Succeed in camp Nanowrimo July 30k
  • Succeed in Nanowrimo November 50k
  • release book
  • Figure out who I am

Note: some of this list will repeat on my writing goals on my writing http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com

Health updates

I went to the doctor. . .

  • UTI, I knew that one.
  • My stuff updated, bloodwork and meds.
  • I lost 5 pounds within the year.
  • I have an appointment with my female stuff doctor. Most of my main problems are with my female junk.
  • My hands are just sore from overuse, nor carpal tunnel syndrome or arthritis. Yay.
  • I do have sleep apnea and need more test.

However why am I more tired with my meds, then when I was off of them?

Ohio Weather. . . Eh.

I hate snow and my body hates cold. My joints are achy. My head is pounding and I’m so tired . . . My body cannot relax.

I miss walking. I miss warm breezes.

I wish I could live in a place that was mostly sunny. . . 70`s during the day and 50`s at night. However no snakes, bugs, spiders, or bees. (I know we need those for flowers to grow, but I am more of a city girl anyway, not a farm/country girl. I just want to be able to go outside for a long walk and worry about ice.)

The problem is that most people want that too so it would belong the rich for vacation escapes.

It honestly only exists in my dreams. . . Sighs.

Finding a Guy

After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.

I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)

However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.

I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.

I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.

Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.

I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.

I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.

Music

My love of music is a blessing and a curse. . . It depends on the song and my mood.

I can either take on the world or cry hiding in a hole. . . Depending on how the song pushed my emotions. It could make me laugh or haunt me with a bitter memory of my past.

Music is always something I go to no matter emotion I feel. It is expressive for me and I can make a play list for anytime in my life. Sometime a song just says the words, that I cannot get out of my head.

I was originally a music major in college. I found out that I had inner ear problem on my right ear and it made it hard to play one thing and sing another. I changed my major because of my ear, so music is a bittersweet thing for me.

My self-care basket

Things in My basket for a bad day

  • Self care basket
  • Chocolate brownies or cake
  • Pretzels
  • Pepsi
  • Coffee with flavored creamers
  • Dial shower gel (I love the feel and smell.)
  • Notebooks
  • Color pens
  • A book with a good twist
  • Pillows
  • Movies: comedies and chick flicks
  • My tablet with my personal play list (music)
  • Headset