November all for me. 

I am not a selfish person, but next month is all about me. I am working on my writing and hopefully myself. 

My goal is in 2018 to move forward and away from my past.

I have two projects. . .  (Each project is 50,000 in 30 days)

  1. Finishing the The Broken Path 50,000 plus. 
  2. Working on the ghost stories for the Broken Path.

    I hope to figure myself out and do something for me, write. 

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    My brain will not stop 

    I can rant and go on and on, but my brain still will not stop. This has caused me insomnia and . .. 

     I’ve tried. . . .

    1. breathing exercises, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3
    2. Turning off the TV
    3. Mediating 
    4. Music
    5. Cutting down on my caffeine after 4

    I’m still up 5 out 7 nights a week with my everlasting thoughts. 

    Average thoughts

    1. Health issues, when will I get fixed
    2. Why do my hormones keep making me a b*tch?
    3. Food issues is there ever enough
    4. Why do I feel so useless? I do help with errands, and cooking
    5. Writing scheduling
    6. Errand scheduling
    7. Sleep issues and why I cannot sleep when I supposed to. 
    8. Depression
    9. Guys vs what I want 
    10. Hope’s and dreams vs depression

    This what my head is like . . . 

    My Current Soundtrack

    My Current Soundtrack.

    These songs mean something to me at the moment.

    1. “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks or “Crazy Bitch” by Buck Cherry (For my many mood swings)
    2. “Counting Stars” By One Republic (I am still hoping for my dreams.)
    3. “Unwell” By Matchbox 20 (Self-explanatory)
    4. “Demons” By Imagine Dragon (Fighting my temptation and depression in monster and demon form)
    5. “Monster” by Imagine Dragons and “Monster” by Rhainna (I’m either fighting the monsters or hanging with them.)
    6. “I’ll Be there” (Free Willy) by Michael Jackson (The world expects me to be a super hero.)
    7. “Infected” by Repo! Genetic Opera (I feel like my sinuses and health kick my ass)
    8. “S&M” by Beyonce (I’m a dominant, sensual Mistress.)
    9. “Things I wouldn’t Say” by Avril Lavgine (If you knew me, why would I have to say them.)
    10. “Freak The Freak out” by Victorious (I’m always freaking out nothing)
    11. “Take a Hint” by Victorious (Too many guys just do not get it, I am not interested. Do you match my blog, if not then why bother?)
    12. “Weird” By Hanson (I never seek normal).
    13. “Desperado” by The Eagles (I love singing this songs, and sometimes I think I will ended up alone.)

     

    Honorable mentions

    1. “Complicated” Avril Lavgine
    2. “The Thunder Rolls” Garth Brooks
    3. “Still Haven’t Found what I’m Looking For” by U2
    4. “Beautiful” By Christina Aguilera
    5. “Zombie” By The Cranberries
    6. “Created a Monster” By B.o.B.
    7. “Titanium” by

     

    Music is divided to me in different moods.

     

    Love Songs

    1. “Just as You Are” by Bruno Mars
    2. “Haven’t Met You Yet” by Michael Buble
    3. “Dream of Me” by Kirsten Dunst
    4. “Love Song” The Wedding Singer by Adam Sandler
    5. “Say You Won’t let me go” James Arthur
    6. “A Thousand Years” Christina Perri
    7. “Let Her go” Passenger
    8. “Collide” Howie day
    9. “Never Let Go” Hanson
    10. “Dance with me Tonight” by Olly Murs

     

    Happy or Encouraging Songs

    1. “Titantium”
    2. “This Time Around” by Hanson
    3. “Shake it Off” Taylor Swift
    4. “Wake Me Up” by Avicii
    5. “Happy” by
    6. “I Like to Move It” by
    7. “Cha Cha Slide” by Casper
    8. “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven
    9. “Rock Star” Nickelback
    10. “Shine in a Bag” By Gorillaz Or “Pocket of Sunshine” by Natasha Bedingfield

    Inspiration Songs

    1. “Cups” (Pitch Perfect) by Anna
    2. “Radioactive” by Imagine Dragons
    3. “Drift Away” by Bob Seger
    4. “You’ve got a Friend” James Taylor
    5. “I’ll be There” (Free Willy) by Michael Jackson
    6. “Imagine” by Mercy Me
    7. “I’m Sensitive” “Life Uncommon,” or “Angel” by Jewel
    8. “Need” by Jonathan Jackson
    9. “You Rise Me Up”by Josh Gorban
    10. “Shameless” by Garth Brooks or Billy Joel

    Sad Songs

    1. “Angel” Sarah McLachlan
    2. “Without You” Mariah Carey
    3. “The Rose” By Bett Mittler
    4. “Desperado” The Eagles
    5. “Chasing Cars” Snow Patrol
    6. “My Heart Will Go On” Céline Dion
    7. “I don’t want to miss a thing” Aerosmith
    8. “Bridge of Trouble Waters” Simon and Garfunkel

    Angry Songs

    1. “Bad Things” by Wednesday 13
    2. “Fuck the World” By ICP
    3. “Down with the Sickness” By Disturbed
    4. “Don’t Get Mad, get Even” By Aerosmith
    5. “Enter Sandman” By Metallica
    6. “Zombie” By Cranberries
    7. “Crazy Bitch” Buck Cherry
    8. “Fuck the Pain Away” Peaches
    9. 2w

     

     

     

    My Favorite Celebrities

    My Current Favorite Male Celebrities

     

    1. Jamie Dornan                                                             (Actor/Model)
    2. Marcel Vigneron                (TV Chef)
    3. James O’Halloran                (price is right model)
    4. Gabriel Mann                (director, actor)
    5. Jonathan Brandis (director, actor, writer, RIP)
    6. Taylor Hanson (Musician, actor)
    7. Zak Bagans (Ghost Adventures host)
    8. Robin Williams (Actor, comedian, RIP)
    9. Nicolas Cage (Actor, producer)
    10. Kevin Love (Basketball player)

     

    Honorable Mentions

    1. Jensen Ackles (Actor, director, musician)
    2. Jared Palacki (Actor)
    3. Ryan Gosling (Actor, musician)
    4. Neil Patrick Harris (Actor, musician)
    5. Paul Walker (Actor, RIP)
    6. Health Ledger (Actor, RIP)
    7. Jeese Spencer (actor)
    8. Nev Schulman (Catfish host)
    9. Wayne Brandy (Host, actor, musician)
    10. The Rock (WWE wrestler, actor)
    11. Michael Simon (host,   American Iron chef)
    12. Hugh Laurie (Actor, musician)
    13. Jack Black (Actor, musician)
    14. Stephen King (Author, actor)
    15. Tom Hanks (producer, actor)

    Just because they are not on this list, there are a many male celebrities I would star struck with if I met them.

     

    My Current favorite Female celebrities.

     

    I am more drawn to men, so that is why this list is shorter. Hollywood makes women seek so picky, b*tchy and fake to me. The ones that make the list seem very real to me.

    1. Kat Dennings (Actress)
    2. Alex Guarnaschelli (Host, American Iron Chef)
    3. Anne Rice (Author)
    4. Kate Winslet (Actress)
    5. Rachel Ray (Host, chef)
    6. L. James (Author)
    7. Emma Stone (Actress, Musician)
    8. Kari Byron (Sciencist, Co Host Myth Busters)
    9. Katy Perry (Musicians)
    10. Emily VanCamp (Actress)

     

    Honorable mentions

    1. Cat Cora (American Iron Chef)
    2. Kirsten Dunst (Model/Actress)
    3. Taylor Swift (Musician)
    4. Carla (Host, chef)
    5. Shannon Woodard (Actress)
    6. Angelina Jolie (Actress, producer)

    Chatting games

    I try not to play the “hard to get” chatting games. 

    I’m trying to be more open in the dating pool, but I know what I want and yet the doors are current closed. 

    So I chat, but then guy gets aggressive even at my polite pushing away. 

    • “I’m not into your interests.
    • “I need to go to bed”
    • “We don’t live close, I’m seeking someone local. “
    • “I do not want just a chat, I want a real life relationship.”

     If I tell exactly how I see it, I sound like a b*tch

    • “I see us talking online, but then you will lie or be aggressive about something you really want and make me uncomfortable.” (Pusher)
    • “You’ll talk to me try to get pic and get off or I say no and you go on the the next easy chatter. You won’t chat again or if you do you ask for more pics.” (Pic weasel because the term I want to use is not nice)
    • “We chat for a few days, until either one say that is deal breaker ” (delayed dealbreaker I ask my deal breaking issues on chat 1.)
    • Chat, one date,  no call (fearful brats)

      I want a text, chat to continue after the first date, and then second and a third date etc. 

      If I don’t think we are going to be at least friends, then why are we even chatting? 

      The dating game

      I’m starting to think my dating life is like rounds of Mahjongg. You don’t know if when start the game if you are going to win, lose, have one, two or three stars. 

      Sometimes the pairs are easy, like problems or events with the latest boyfriend. However there are harder pieces to find like the big fights that change how you see everything. 

      What irks me is when the exact pieces are under each other and it’s like problems that cannot be fixed. Grrrrrr. 

      Sometime you need to step away, scatter the pieces, if you are that lucky, or walk away for good from the mess. However what counts that you had a good time while you played. 

      There is this new guy. . .

      Don’t you just love hearing. . . There is new guy?

      I finally met a guy online who I connect with, didn’t cancel the date with some lame excuse, and he was very cute. 

      However this has made my anxiety go to extremes. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.  

      It has taken me so many empty conversations and bad pictures with guys and girls to get here. It makes it even more valuable.

      He is intelligent, creative, and wants a challenge. 

      My damn anxiety keeps me questioning me . . . 

      • Am I up to his expectations? 
      • Am I at his level?  
      • Is he interested me or just lonely ? 
      • Does he just want fun?
      • Is he for real?
      • Am I really good enough for HIM?
      • Am I dominant enough for HIM?

      I need to just enjoy the time we have together, but these thoughts hang on the back of my head.

      But there is this new guy. . .(excited and nervous)

      I’m Attracted To. . .

      Im attracted to.  . .

      • Positivity
      • Hope
      • Intelligence 
      • Creativity
      • Man who can clean, but does not complain about
      • A man to cook with
      • Cuddlers
      • Like PDA
      • A cat lover
      • Loves coffee
      • Artist
      • Sports lover
      • Writers
      • Readers
      • Understanding and patient of my health issues
      • Supportive
      • Semi romantic 
      • Likes shopping
      • Anyone who can truly make me laugh
      • Someone who tries to get me (I’m complicated, but at least they try.)
      • Ambition 
      • Fit
      • Spiritual (At least in a street kindness meaning doing good for others.)