Tom would get excited over whatever I made whether it was grilled cheese with tomato soup or super chocolate cake. He loved my desserts. . .
I’ve been thinking about what security is for me. Many say money is security, but 90% of jobs are not secure any more, so how can money be security. . . unless you own more than one business, have good stocks, or is a CEO of a major corporation. Most of these bosses will cut a guy working there ten year to hire two guys to do the same job for just a few dollars less. So money is not security.
Money is nice, but I really would not know what to do with lots of money. . . I know if I won the lottery, I was told in a dream. . .. That 2/3rds of the money must go to someone or thing else. So I would give to charities and places and people that have helped me in my past. It would also go to people who need that extra boost. I like helping people.
However too much money would worry me as I afraid someone would break in and hurt the ones I care about or myself just to get some money that they will blow on alcohol and drugs to hide from their conscience that they did wrong. When they run out of their crutches, they will hurt someone else for more money. Too much money, even with a security system and trained pets, is not security for me.
I know extra money is nice to travel, dine out, shop, go to parties or enjoy more things. Then it also scares me that people show up when you have money that would have never been there if you were broke. How do you know your friendship or relationship are build on trust or the false security and wrong love of money?
Security to me is when I have my hand in my special guy and I feel I can take on the world. I feel safe and truly loved ( not the love over what you have, but who you are). This has happened only once ( Tom). I hope to have the feeling again. I just hope the man I feel safe and secure with also loves and truly, loyally adores me.
Its the third day in which I’m not super depressed. This is good.
I hope that I can keep this better than depressed feeling will keep going.
I do miss him. However I hope he finds someone amazing. I’m more of his D.U.F.F.. ( Disignated ugly fat friend ). All I want is for him to stop complaining, be out of pain, and find him someone amazing to make him happy.
He had me spend over 200 dollars for my birthday. No one has ever spent that much on me ( not related to me.)
I do love that he trusts me. I’m scared that he’ll trust others because he trusts me. I pride myself on my honesty, most of the world is not as trustworthy as I am.
My birthday is Wednesday and I know it sounds like a bad lifetime movie, but after the year I had, I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday.
However I met a guy just before Halloween, and it was nice and exciting at first. . .
But then I realize he was not the same guy. . . It was like he split personality. . . Fun Tigger, which as time went on I rarely saw and wanted to complaining Eeyore. I have my own issues of depression, anxiety, and pstd which I’ve been holding back because I been trying to help him, but whatever I say rarely matters, because once he stops complaining over one thing, he’ll easily find another.
We agreed to just be friends. I have this feeling his next thing he’ll complain on is my birthday. He was the one who promised me to take me and such. . . I never asked for it.
I’m just not looking forward to my birthday and it sucks.
I mean a nice dinner but with a complaining Eeyore, SIGH.
- I want a house (shared with family) with my own space. I don’t need my own per say, but just my own space that I can make my own.
- Desk for my working computer with a comfy chair
- My own recliner with soft sheet set.
- Place for my writing
- Bigger kitchen to cook and bake
- I want a book shelf where I can store my books. Note: buy more books
- I want at least two cats. I want them cuddly and trainable. Yes, I have trained my cats, to beg for treats, follow me, and ask for food.
- I want a place close to city where mom or I can find at least a part time job.
- I want a place where I can paint.
- I want a bathroom with a large tub, I can soak in.
- Internet and cable throughout the house.
- Good heat and a/c
- Friendly neighbors
- More friends that really get me
- I want my health and sleep to get better
- Honest people (No catfish and canceled dates)
My anxiety goes up and down. I take a test for my health issues: anxiety, depression, and stress.
- I am a writer.
I know I have said this before, but I can make a seven course meal, clean the entire house, be on 4 hours of sleep, pay all of the bills, go shopping, and if I do not write something, I feel my day is unproductive.
I know a good meal, nice, and a clean place, feels good, but without writing, I just do not feel accomplished anything at all. (Http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com)
- I am a foodie.
I love food. (Yes, I am a bigger lady, and I am watching my weight for health. However I will not deny a new or fun food experience. )
I enjoy making food, cooking, baking, and going out. (When I got out, I usually try to order something, I usually I will not make at home.)
- I am always learning.
I’m always researching for my writing. I’ve learned from life experience as well.
I enjoy reading and finding out more about all kinds of things.
- I am a bear. (Or a bulldog whatever is cuter.)
I am a very determined person. The loyal person. The type of person who would do whatever I had to.
I may be sweet or cranky doing it, it depends on how people treat me.
I am not a selfish person, but next month is all about me. I am working on my writing and hopefully myself.
My goal is in 2018 to move forward and away from my past.
I have two projects. . . (Each project is 50,000 in 30 days)
- Finishing the The Broken Path 50,000 plus.
- Working on the ghost stories for the Broken Path.
I hope to figure myself out and do something for me, write.
I can rant and go on and on, but my brain still will not stop. This has caused me insomnia and . ..
I’ve tried. . . .
- breathing exercises, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3
- Turning off the TV
- Cutting down on my caffeine after 4
I’m still up 5 out 7 nights a week with my everlasting thoughts.
- Health issues, when will I get fixed
- Why do my hormones keep making me a b*tch?
- Food issues is there ever enough
- Why do I feel so useless? I do help with errands, and cooking
- Writing scheduling
- Errand scheduling
- Sleep issues and why I cannot sleep when I supposed to.
- Guys vs what I want
- Hope’s and dreams vs depression
This what my head is like . . .