Sigh. 

I am a dope. 

This summer. . .

  •  I’ve had ten cancelled dates. 
  • Been blown off  by dozens of cute guys (probably due to my weight)
  • Been lied to by a catfish
  • And been on dozens of dead end chats
  • Been blocked three times
  • Been ignored for politics 
  • Now I can say I’ve almost been scammed three times (I do not trust anyone who says itune cards.)

Aren’t there any cute, real, decent loyal guys left?

The more I talk to people, the more I like cats. 

I need to stop thinking. . .

I need to stop thinking because the mixture of loneliness, desperation, and self doubt. . . I start to overthink and go against my first impression, and gut feeling. 

My gut is 95% correct. It always been on the money with what I truly need. 

However with my hormonal imbalance my heart and my head keeps twisting my thoughts. Then you add all this time I have in the mixture and my desperate thoughts are trying to sneak against my own boundaries. I put those there for a reason . . . Somethings make me uncomfortable.

My gut is telling me hold my ground.

But. . .

  • My hormones want to have fun. 
  • My broken heart wants comfort. 
  • My soul is hallow. 
  • My head is lonely. 

I just want a friend who gets me. 

Waiting. Eh. 

I’m stupid. 

I’m wasting time. 

I’m wasting life.

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on someone who has his own life. 

I’m  wasting my own time waiting on someone that if I am lucky may give me 20 minutes of his time. I am way worth more than 20 minutes. 

I need to stop waiting on someone who is too busy for me. 

I need to work on my own life.

I need to get myself and my computer fixed.

I need to focus on my writing. 

I need to love myself. 

I am so much better than this. 

Secret confession 

I’m learning I need to face my own feelings and emotions. I realize I need to do this to get back to myself and my happiness. 

My confession is the statements “I’m okay.” and “I’m fine.” Are my go to saying. It’s better than explaining emotions or complaining about my life’s issues.  

For example, when someone asks “how are you? ”  I say ” I’m okay.” Instead of “my insurance gave me an error and I couldn’t get my meds. This guy push me to give him my number, and I wish I hadn’t. I just wasted a year on a guy who catfished and lied to me. The guy I think I like is too busy for me, but I can’t stop thinking of him.. My ride for errands cancelled on me. This is all making me edging and my anxiety is high. However our towel smell amazing.”

If I said all of that I think I would overwhelm a new person. 

I’ve been on a new therapy site called http://www.7cups.com and they have chats with groups, listeners and therapists. They also have tests and exercises to help with my depression and anxiety. I have getting more benefits from that site than my 2 therapists in real life. 

If you chat with me and I say fine or ok, there usually (9 times out of 10) there is more. Don’t ask about it unless you really want to hear about it, please. 

I think I can heal now

I chatted with a guy online, I was apprehensive at first and I should have been
I have written this and rewritten  this because I am a professional and I try not to slander those who can so easily take down himself. 

I just know I chatted with a guy on here for over a year and then he gets over sensitive and blocks me. I truly had no idea why he dropped me. 

I was going to post his name on here, but I know it’s not right. As much as I would like random people yelling at him for me, it’s not going to help me heal.  

He lied to me. However I got on a friend’s profile to find out he is causing his own soap opera. 

The thing was i thought that he was someone who understood me, but if he truly understood me . . . He would have been just honest with me, let us be be friends and move on.

I spend days wondering what I did wrong? What did I do to piss him off? What was wrong with me? I was hurt, broken all over again. Why would he talk to me everyday for over a year than to just to hurt me?

I just wish he was real and honest with me. I’m more hurt that he snunk behind my back than to say it is not going to work out. 
Maybe no one really gets me and I am just kidding myself. I am such a fool. 

At least, I know the truth and can and will move on. 

How do I get over him? 

I feel like the Gain laundry soap commercial.  . . “How do I get over her? She left month ago!”

It’s been 8 months (Tom’s, my ex, birthday month). I’ll be honest, he crushed me. However the shattered pieces of my heart still have memories and extreme emotion on them. (I need emotional cleansing. The thing was if he was still alive, I would have not gotten back with him. We are two different people.)

I feel bad he died young. (He would have been 37 on the 17th.) 

However all of these things we would have really enjoyed are popping up everywhere.

  • He was a “Dark Tower” fan.
  • True Blood writers made a new show Midnight, Texas. 
  • WWE has a new tap wrestling game.

I know there is more. I can’t think right now. How am I supposed get over when I’m around all of the things he likes?

I feel alone

Just the other day, I had a guy proposed to me and several men wanting some harsh version of me that I don’t want to be. 

All day I was thinking about one guy, because I feel we are connected in an intellectual way. I also loved his positivity. (He also had gotten my mind off of this other guy who I had missed for two months now. )

HOWEVER. I am worried, there is an issue holding us back. He has a kid. I’m not a kid person, they can make my anxiety go off the charts. (My ex–stepmother really screwed it for me. I’m burnt out on kids because of her.)

I’m so flustered. I really like this guy, but does he have too much baggage? I’m so confused. I confronted him, and I feel like it’s just going to work. I know how important kids are, and I would never tell someone to change their life for me. 

I just feel a few days ago all these guys were into me and now I’m all alone. Sigh.

I should be sleeping

I should be sleeping, BUT . . .

My mind will not stop

Things on my mind. . .

  • Who is right one for me?
  • Am I going to be alone forever?
  • Why do I keep having headaches?
  • My head knows I need to deal with my past, but my hormones say I’m lonely.
  • I just want to cuddle. 
  • Will I ever get better?
  • Will I ever be happy again?
  • Will I ever get a cat?
  • Will my family be ok? (Can I move on?)
  • Why am I still mad?
  • Why all I want to do is cry?
  • Why do I keep pushing nice people away?
  • Will my the blemishes on my face ever clear?
  • Will I lose weight or at least get fit for more energy?
  • Why does my body want to sleep up to 18 hours or not at all?
  • Why do I feel I kicked in the gut for doing something good?
  • Why do I feel like I get handled wrong or used?
  • Why do people use me?
  • Will I will  the lottery?

My coffee. Sigh. 

When I get stressed I easily get sick and/or drained. Over this last week I have been up and down.  Yesterday was hard on me. . . plans got cancelled. My medical insurance has issues now everything is pushed back and my anxiety is on high. My body fights between insomnia and bad sleep from sleep apnea. 

I crashed only to eat dinner at 9 last night. I was exhausted eating I was careful not to choke. However I went for a walk last night to get candy and coffee  (that would be my autobiography be called “Candy and Coffee.”) I walked home took like three sips of my coffee put in the fridge and thought about it all night even in my twisted dreams. 

My brother went to hand me it this morning, and it slipped and spilled all over the carpet . . .damn it. It just fits into the ahhhhh theme this week. Okay back to rotating water and Pepsi. 

Tomorrow is a new day and this are going to to get better.

Weekend plans

I plan to play my brother’s ff rpg. (It’s a dice and fantasy game). 

I also plan to cook, work on some blogs and short stories  (Not sure what genre yet). 

I’m also watching catfish, I’m obsessed with that show. I do a lot of chatting and online flirting, so I’m always cautious. 
I had a stressful day yesterday I had issues with insurance. I hope next week to get it worked out. Meanwhile I have to hold off on all my doctors and meds. I have some to hold me off, but it really freaked me out. 

I’ve had a few people (besides family) who really helped me out yesterday and I’m very thankful for that. I’ve learned it’s one day at a time with my depression. Each day is a hill, and I got over yesterday. The weekend is hopefully just going to be relaxing.