My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .
My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.
Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.
I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.
However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.
Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.
This was a metaphor. . .
I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.
I’ve learned a few things. . .
- There are a few things that make me happy.
- There are people that support me.
- This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
- Hope is a very good thing.
- Coffee is liquid hope.
- Creative cooking is fun.
- I am responsible for me and my life.
- Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
- I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
- Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
- I need to let go and move on.
- I love to write.
My time of day is off.
My energy is off. . .
Im just off. . . It’s because I’m worried.
I’m worried because my mom is the hospital waiting on medical specialists to figure out what to do with her inopratiable hernia. She now has a small obstruction, so I just hope they can fix it.
Meanwhile I’m doing her work and my work on lots of caffeine . . . Mostly coffee.
I would be with my mom, but I have a procedure I’ve scheduled six weeks ago to figure out my own health problems. Sigh.
I’m going crazy, and I’m mentally off. My mom issues just make my problems seem so trivial right now. I hope to get things figured out.
My Bad Habits
1. “I’m sorry.” I will say it even if I did nothing wrong. If the situation is wrong or bad. “I’m sorry.” Are the few words that come out of my mouth as if it’s my fault, it rained or that hot woman didn’t like you. It’s a bad force of the habit. I am the oldest of my siblings… and if something went wrong … it was my instant go to.
However I will not simply accept “I’m sorry,” or flower (I prefer candy or notebooks and pens.) for an apology especially if a person does not tell me what they are sorry about.
2. Over thinking… I question everything and if I have to rethink my questions and ideas … I wonder if my original ideas were right or wrong… I have talked myself out dates, meeting people, new experiences, jobs, writing projects. Please do NOT make me rethink my ideas.
I try myself to follow my hunches (gut), hearts, and then head… in that order.
3. I’m too soft. I feel I give in to easily, because I do not want to be alone. I have done stuff or meet people that I know don’t fit just because I want to get out. I need to stop this.
4. I keep blaming my health. I got dealt a weird and weak hand with life. I have to stop blaming myself for bad health and get creative. My health can impact my moodiness. I really need to stop hiding behind my health problems.
5. I can be lazy. I can write for hours or walk over a mile but I hate to clean. I simply blame my laziness. My laziness can talk me out of doing things… it’s hard to motivate myself when I simply do not want to do something.
6. I love food, and it can be a weakness such as going to my favorite restaurant. I love to cook, bake, and having nice dinner parties (nothing fancy just friends, food, games and movies.) It is a weakness to me, and lately it’s one of my only motivation which is sad.
I need to face my weaknesses…
- Food and shopping. (I love shopping whether it’s for fun or I have a list and goals.)
- Feeling guilty after bitchiness even someone deserves it. (I should only feel guilty if the person did not purposely push my buttons.)
- Loneliness vs being semi-social. (I have to understand not everyone has such an open schedule like I do. However there are time where I am simply tired, focused, or just too drained than to talked to people.)
I’m lonely, but I’m not stupid. I will not meet up with someone who does not show me their picture. It can be anyone.
We post pics all over media. . . Facebook, personals, blogs etc.
Please send a pic and may it really be you.
I hate the excuses. . .
- Work won’t allow it, then take it at home.
- My family doesn’t know, then email it to me. (I delete pics if the guy doesn’t work out, why should I keep pics of guys who aren’t meant for me?)
- My phone is new and I have no pic. Then take a pic.
If you are hiding something, please just leave alone. I only want open and honest people in my life.
This is me.
I went to the doctor. . .
- UTI, I knew that one.
- My stuff updated, bloodwork and meds.
- I lost 5 pounds within the year.
- I have an appointment with my female stuff doctor. Most of my main problems are with my female junk.
- My hands are just sore from overuse, nor carpal tunnel syndrome or arthritis. Yay.
- I do have sleep apnea and need more test.
However why am I more tired with my meds, then when I was off of them?
After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.
I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)
However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.
I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.
I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.
Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.
I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.
I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.
I love to write. The feel of a good pen in my hands as it glides on the page. It invites the words, the color, the creativity.
However my hands have been swelling and cramping for weeks now. I tried water pills, but I sleep and they are swollen again. There are cramps as I write. Pushing down on my palm hurts, moving it too much hurts.
It hurts to hold a pen or a fork. It hurts to make a fist. These damn cramps. I probably have arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome.
I refuse to give up my writing. I felt due my ear issue, I had give up music. I’m not giving up my writing too.
Maybe I can get my computer fixed soon . . . So I can type more.
I’m going to the doctor soon.