November all for me. 

I am not a selfish person, but next month is all about me. I am working on my writing and hopefully myself. 

My goal is in 2018 to move forward and away from my past.

I have two projects. . .  (Each project is 50,000 in 30 days)

  1. Finishing the The Broken Path 50,000 plus. 
  2. Working on the ghost stories for the Broken Path.

    I hope to figure myself out and do something for me, write. 

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    My brain will not stop 

    I can rant and go on and on, but my brain still will not stop. This has caused me insomnia and . .. 

     I’ve tried. . . .

    1. breathing exercises, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3
    2. Turning off the TV
    3. Mediating 
    4. Music
    5. Cutting down on my caffeine after 4

    I’m still up 5 out 7 nights a week with my everlasting thoughts. 

    Average thoughts

    1. Health issues, when will I get fixed
    2. Why do my hormones keep making me a b*tch?
    3. Food issues is there ever enough
    4. Why do I feel so useless? I do help with errands, and cooking
    5. Writing scheduling
    6. Errand scheduling
    7. Sleep issues and why I cannot sleep when I supposed to. 
    8. Depression
    9. Guys vs what I want 
    10. Hope’s and dreams vs depression

    This what my head is like . . . 

    2017 things I want. . .

    It’s been ten years and I have noticed a lot of thing have changed in who I am and what I want.

    This is my list from 2007

     

    2007 in THINGS I HAVE WANTED TO DO (INNOCENT AND GUILTY):

    • Have my own place.
    • Have my own car. (Note: Paid and manage by me. Not a hand me down.)

    (How can I have my own car when I freak out behind the wheel?)

    • Have a “rainy day” stash of money
    • Buy something I can wear that’s designer

    (Really? I’ve never gone after something designer. In fact, I cannot stand dressing up and heels.)

    • Have sex outside

    (I have a list on my naughty blog. I really do not like outside, especially with my sinuses.)

    • Wake up to a guy kissing me
    • Have a guy spoil me with nothing sexual in return
    • Be romanced (Candle light, bath, flowers dancing etc.)
    • Tickle and cuddle with a guy without sexual tension
    • Continued to be romanced

    (I never believed that I deserved to be romanced and swept off my feet, but with Tom had a few really nice moments.)

    • Write another stage play
    • Finish at least 3 out of 10 of my scripts within the year
    • Publish at least one novel under my own

    (11 to 13, I’m still working on my writing, but I have learned that it is a process.)

    • Publish a book of poetry It’s now smash words
    • Manage a credit card for one year and keep good credit
    • Fine a guy who fits my personality (someone who can put up with me) (RIP Tom)
    • Have someone throw me a surprise party (preferably on my Birthday) (Worst wish ever)
    • Go to Disney World or Land with my boyfriend (before marriage or kids of my own, so I can still act like a kid.)
    • Get the guts to sky dive
    • Sky dive

    (19 & 20 I’m not sure what I was thinking when making this list, but not common sense.)

    • Have a friendship with a guy and have it turn into a relationship without it ruining the friendship
    • Get my scripts put on the “big screen”
    • Have a guy who looks attractive like me for me
    • Learn patience
    • Learn independence

    (23 & 24 I’ve learned I need people in my life and I am not a patient person and I do not want to be. Why would I ask for that?)

    • To bake for my boyfriend (For Health reasons.)
    • To go on birth control
    • Not to have kids until I’m at least 29
    • Find a guy my age for an activity partner: Movies, music, darts, bowling, putt-putt
    • To score at least 200 in a game of bowling

    (Now that is a laugh. I have bowled probably like 5 times in the last ten years, unless you count wii bowling and I have over 200 with wii bowling.)

    • To find a guy who will take care of me when I’m sick
    • Learn self-control
    • Learn self-discipline
    • Learn self-motivation
    • Be financially secure

    (32 to 35 I just want to be able to be constant with my writing and eventually make a profit with my written artwork.)

     

    2017 What I want now

     

    1. No kids, I want at least two cats
    2. Poly house
    3. To make money on my writings
    4. To finish and publish my writings
    5. To have my own agent and editor
    6. To have my own place with a nice kitchen and my own office
    7. I want to be able t dine out at least once a week
    8. Once I get a guy, I want a constant date per week.
    9. Indoor picnic
    10. More cuddling
    11. Breakfast in bed
    12. More massages
    13. More hours of soaking in the tub
    14. To know my mom and brother are taken care of
    15. Constant encouragement

     

    Therapy: time and over thinking = worry

    I’ve learned that when you make me wait, and I can’t sleep, then I think. That is a very bad idea.  Well, it’s great while I’m working on a book,  but not good when I am worried about what is going on in real life. 

    It’s like the reason why a kid will check the bed or closet after watching a scary movie. It’s the same creative and yet over active and mentally dangerous imagination that gets sucked into regular thought and mixed with anxiety making careless worry. I am constantly worrying: over nothing and everything

    I’m not sure how to stop it. Lately, my anxiety is extremely high over having too much time to think. My sleep schedule is completely off, so most of the time I’m too tired to write. (Even now I’m yawning.) Basic thoughts get twisted into unneeded and unwanted traumatic, dramatic nightmares that make me freak out over nothing that is really happening.  

    For example, when someone stops talking to me for a few days. . . 

    • I instantly think they are in accident stuck in the hospital or out with their girlfriend that they never told me about. 
    • When the truth is they were working and doing errands. They gave some space because I was sick. (When I want to sleep give me 6 to 8 hours, not 48 to 72 hours.)

    I’ve tried to release my worries, but I just want to find a way to calm my thoughts. Maybe a movie or color.  

    Deal Breakers

    Deal breakers

    • Cat Haters 
    • Smokers
    • Kids
    • Extreme pain
    • Abusive tempers
    • And biggest one liars 

     

    I cannot handle liars and the Internet is full of them. 

    Doms pretending to be a sub so they wrestle another dom for a power struggle. . . It’s like a secret turn on to them. 

    Catfishing pretending to be someone else. . . Fake pics, fake facts, why are you doing this?

    Saying you’re single when you have a girlfriend or wife and kids.  (I’M seeking a submissive boyfriend, I want your entire attention. I will not be second rate or just a play toy.)

     

    If you are any of those, please leave me alone

     

    Chatting games

    I try not to play the “hard to get” chatting games. 

    I’m trying to be more open in the dating pool, but I know what I want and yet the doors are current closed. 

    So I chat, but then guy gets aggressive even at my polite pushing away. 

    • “I’m not into your interests.
    • “I need to go to bed”
    • “We don’t live close, I’m seeking someone local. “
    • “I do not want just a chat, I want a real life relationship.”

     If I tell exactly how I see it, I sound like a b*tch

    • “I see us talking online, but then you will lie or be aggressive about something you really want and make me uncomfortable.” (Pusher)
    • “You’ll talk to me try to get pic and get off or I say no and you go on the the next easy chatter. You won’t chat again or if you do you ask for more pics.” (Pic weasel because the term I want to use is not nice)
    • “We chat for a few days, until either one say that is deal breaker ” (delayed dealbreaker I ask my deal breaking issues on chat 1.)
    • Chat, one date,  no call (fearful brats)

      I want a text, chat to continue after the first date, and then second and a third date etc. 

      If I don’t think we are going to be at least friends, then why are we even chatting? 

      Depression strikes again. 

      I’m exhausted. Sleep only happens in single cycles of 3 hours maybe more, here and there.

      I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks and depression fighting me all weekend. 

      Nightmares of being abandoned and lost and confused.  (My chest is getting tight just thinking of it.)

      Past coming back to literally haunt me, but migraines beating me instead. Past on hold. 

      Chest heavy, breathing hard, panic catching in my throat. 

      Stomach turns, food comes from helping hands, but doesn’t help.  

      That is my weekend. I did manage to get to write pieces here and there. There is a light. 


      Overthinking and I think I know why. . .

      I am unbalanced. (Okay, you can stop laughing now.)

      • But the thing is that I do walk with my heart on my sleeve,
      •  and I want to help everyone, 
      • and I feel guilty whenever I ask for something

      However learned a few things (Not even in school. . . Lol.)

      I have learned

      • If I look at things logically, I’m responsible, but I have no fun. 
      • If I just wig it, I have even more anxiety than if I plan it.
      • Letting go is way harder to do, and you may have to do over and over until you get it. 
      • Music uplifts my mood.
      • Small things count. 
      • It is ok to ask for things.
      • Do not judge someone, you have never been in there head or in their shoes. 
      • I’m not really alone. 

      I need to stop over analyzing and just enjoy the moment

      The dating game

      I’m starting to think my dating life is like rounds of Mahjongg. You don’t know if when start the game if you are going to win, lose, have one, two or three stars. 

      Sometimes the pairs are easy, like problems or events with the latest boyfriend. However there are harder pieces to find like the big fights that change how you see everything. 

      What irks me is when the exact pieces are under each other and it’s like problems that cannot be fixed. Grrrrrr. 

      Sometime you need to step away, scatter the pieces, if you are that lucky, or walk away for good from the mess. However what counts that you had a good time while you played.