Why am I analyzing myself with the questionnaire questions and articles from Eharmony?
Note: for those who do not know Eharmony is a Christian online date site which uses many questions to figure out your just right partner if they have that person online too.
So why am I doing this (especially when I failed their questionaire twice and was kicked off the site once when I said I thought I was bi-curious.)
First, I I usually overanalyze most things and dating is not different. Some things I’ve overanalyzed, I’ve gotten right and other things I’ve learned from.
Second, I’m not doing this to date (yet), but I hope to learn more about myself. (If I find friends who get me or maybe Mr. Right-for-me, then awesome. I’m here to learn first.)
Third, I really love answering questions and talking surveys and quizzes about myself.
My mom used to tell that . . . “Opposite attract.” That might be right in science, but mom and dad were opposites and they didn’t last. (Its also probably why I argue with myself too. J/k lol.)
I think for partners, there needs some similarities and some differences to keep things interesting p. As long as they keep communication open and honest, that is what is most important.
I need to know myself and get my “stuff” together before I can get someone else involved in the chaotic fun that is me. Lol.
As mentioned in my previous blog, I discovered a difference in being alone and be lonely.
Last month I made a release book. . . (I bought a cheap composition notebook, and I released everything. . . my hopes, dreams, fears, heartache, worries. . . then I reread it and ripped it to shreds. Normally I would burn it, but my current living situation will not allow that.) I felt lighter, but I learned about myself in the process.
With it, I deleted accounts that were wasting my life like plentyoffish or other personals. I kept getting the same horny guy or a guy to ask advice for another girl or the catfish (yes, I’ve caught my share, sigh.)
I have learned I need to love me first. I started working on my novel again.
I’m content writing in my own world.
The world feels so open and amazing.
My emotions feel like I have been in the crappiest amusement park . . .
My depression had me stuck on a rollercoaster that just kept dipping lower and lower and for a while wouldn’t let me off the damn ride.
Once I get off, I just get on a ride having me go in circles.
I finally get to the back of park, to get on another rollercoaster which gets stuck on the top and doesn’t go down. Angry, I had to get off and walk down the stairs.
However I realize by the time, I get down, I wasn’t angry anymore but just relived.
Then by the time, I got some ice cream, a corn dog and soda. . . And won a few stuffed animals. . . I belted out of the park.
This was a metaphor. . .
I was in a bad place, but I have been writing a release book, Making myself face all of the thoughts and emotions in my head.
I’ve learned a few things. . .
- There are a few things that make me happy.
- There are people that support me.
- This situation isn’t as bad as I have it in my head.
- Hope is a very good thing.
- Coffee is liquid hope.
- Creative cooking is fun.
- I am responsible for me and my life.
- Helping is ok to expect nothing in return.
- I’m not selfish for fixing and advancing myself.
- Bad things happen, but we pick ourselves up and move on.
- I need to let go and move on.
- I love to write.
I know at four doctors I need to schedule in. . . Maybe four if I need a specialist for my hands. ( They keep swelling, and my joints hurt. It hurts sometimes to hold a pen or fork.)
I’m doing camp Nano but I’m only giving myself a word count of 30,000 for my main goal. It’s only 1k per day. I thinkmi can type that. I did 35,000 both last August and November. I how to write a book of short stories. I talk more about it in my writers blog. . . Rebekah Quinne
I also hope to walk at least three times a week. I want to get in better shape and get more energy. I’m hoping to sleep better from it and get more focus.
The thing is I’m doing this for me. I’ve learned that I need to focus on myself and heal myself before I can help others.
After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.
I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)
However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.
I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.
I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.
Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.
I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.
I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.
My sleep schedules are really off. . .
If I fall asleep between 7 pm and 9pm will be up by the latest 2am and my schedule is completely off.
Then I usually write 2am until 8 am and the light has known to give me migraines. Grrr.
However my body loves to sleep between the hours of 7am to 1pm (or if anyone wants to text me in the morning. )
If I get at least a good five to nine hours, I write well.
Ideally I would love to go to bed 3am and wake up by 10am and write 12pm to 5pm, but my muses have different ideas.
I try to find just a few hours for myself.
Can’t I just have six hours for out time and 18 hours of active time?
I’m usually tired all of the time.
I have to thank whom ever made caffeine my best friend. I love coffee and my Pepsi.
Things I’ve been up to. . .
- I went out three times this week, which was nice. However I’m exhausted and it’s the weekend, grrr.
- I worked on a release book. . . For my depression, anxiety, ptsd and spiritual so I can let go things and move on. . . I feel lighter and I’ve been sleeping better.
- I’ve made several friends which is nice.
- I’ve been trying to organize my writing.
- I’m also trying to figure out why computer cord keeps buzzing: I think it’s a mixture of a bad cord and broke fan either way I need to take it to a computer guy.
- My hands have swollen from writing so much. I think it’s carpal tunnel syndrome. . . Because water pills don’t always help and there is pain too. Bummer, huh?
- I have finished draft one of my thriller novella trilogy “Driving Lies.” I know I keep bragging, but it’s a project that about 150,000 words give or take divided into three parts that started as a corny thriller script I wrote as a teenager because I needed more action in my life.
- I’ve cooked a lot with the slow cooker.
I’ve been busy. I always try to stay busy.