Sigh. 

I am a dope. 

This summer. . .

  •  I’ve had ten cancelled dates. 
  • Been blown off  by dozens of cute guys (probably due to my weight)
  • Been lied to by a catfish
  • And been on dozens of dead end chats
  • Been blocked three times
  • Been ignored for politics 
  • Now I can say I’ve almost been scammed three times (I do not trust anyone who says itune cards.)

Aren’t there any cute, real, decent loyal guys left?

The more I talk to people, the more I like cats. 

I need to stop thinking. . .

I need to stop thinking because the mixture of loneliness, desperation, and self doubt. . . I start to overthink and go against my first impression, and gut feeling. 

My gut is 95% correct. It always been on the money with what I truly need. 

However with my hormonal imbalance my heart and my head keeps twisting my thoughts. Then you add all this time I have in the mixture and my desperate thoughts are trying to sneak against my own boundaries. I put those there for a reason . . . Somethings make me uncomfortable.

My gut is telling me hold my ground.

But. . .

  • My hormones want to have fun. 
  • My broken heart wants comfort. 
  • My soul is hallow. 
  • My head is lonely. 

I just want a friend who gets me. 

Honesty is the best policy

Please be honest with me. . . 

If I am too fat for you, okay not everyone enjoys bbw. (I’m trying to get more fit, but I have I’ll move on. If you are worried about weight, it is easier to move too.)

If I am too harsh or not harsh enough, tell me.  (I am who I am, if I am too harsh for you, we will not fit.)

I know I am not a nurturer, or sympathetic.  (However I’m a very generous and caring person. I’m also empathetic at times, but that drains me.)

The thing I have learned from honesty is that it is easier to heal and move on. (Thing someone is spearing my feelings by lying is mean and a fool.)

Note: telling me these things, does NOT  mean I will change, but does mean we are probably not compatible and to move on.

There 7.6 billion people in the world, I’m NOT for everyone. Just be honest with me and yourself.

I’m just trying to find a honest person who communicates often and connects with me. Is that too much to ask?

Waiting. Eh. 

I’m stupid. 

I’m wasting time. 

I’m wasting life.

I’m waiting

I’m waiting on someone who has his own life. 

I’m  wasting my own time waiting on someone that if I am lucky may give me 20 minutes of his time. I am way worth more than 20 minutes. 

I need to stop waiting on someone who is too busy for me. 

I need to work on my own life.

I need to get myself and my computer fixed.

I need to focus on my writing. 

I need to love myself. 

I am so much better than this. 

Secret confession 

I’m learning I need to face my own feelings and emotions. I realize I need to do this to get back to myself and my happiness. 

My confession is the statements “I’m okay.” and “I’m fine.” Are my go to saying. It’s better than explaining emotions or complaining about my life’s issues.  

For example, when someone asks “how are you? ”  I say ” I’m okay.” Instead of “my insurance gave me an error and I couldn’t get my meds. This guy push me to give him my number, and I wish I hadn’t. I just wasted a year on a guy who catfished and lied to me. The guy I think I like is too busy for me, but I can’t stop thinking of him.. My ride for errands cancelled on me. This is all making me edging and my anxiety is high. However our towel smell amazing.”

If I said all of that I think I would overwhelm a new person. 

I’ve been on a new therapy site called http://www.7cups.com and they have chats with groups, listeners and therapists. They also have tests and exercises to help with my depression and anxiety. I have getting more benefits from that site than my 2 therapists in real life. 

If you chat with me and I say fine or ok, there usually (9 times out of 10) there is more. Don’t ask about it unless you really want to hear about it, please. 

I think I can heal now

I chatted with a guy online, I was apprehensive at first and I should have been
I have written this and rewritten  this because I am a professional and I try not to slander those who can so easily take down himself. 

I just know I chatted with a guy on here for over a year and then he gets over sensitive and blocks me. I truly had no idea why he dropped me. 

I was going to post his name on here, but I know it’s not right. As much as I would like random people yelling at him for me, it’s not going to help me heal.  

He lied to me. However I got on a friend’s profile to find out he is causing his own soap opera. 

The thing was i thought that he was someone who understood me, but if he truly understood me . . . He would have been just honest with me, let us be be friends and move on.

I spend days wondering what I did wrong? What did I do to piss him off? What was wrong with me? I was hurt, broken all over again. Why would he talk to me everyday for over a year than to just to hurt me?

I just wish he was real and honest with me. I’m more hurt that he snunk behind my back than to say it is not going to work out. 
Maybe no one really gets me and I am just kidding myself. I am such a fool. 

At least, I know the truth and can and will move on. 

I feel alone

Just the other day, I had a guy proposed to me and several men wanting some harsh version of me that I don’t want to be. 

All day I was thinking about one guy, because I feel we are connected in an intellectual way. I also loved his positivity. (He also had gotten my mind off of this other guy who I had missed for two months now. )

HOWEVER. I am worried, there is an issue holding us back. He has a kid. I’m not a kid person, they can make my anxiety go off the charts. (My ex–stepmother really screwed it for me. I’m burnt out on kids because of her.)

I’m so flustered. I really like this guy, but does he have too much baggage? I’m so confused. I confronted him, and I feel like it’s just going to work. I know how important kids are, and I would never tell someone to change their life for me. 

I just feel a few days ago all these guys were into me and now I’m all alone. Sigh.

Things That Make Me Happy

Things that make me happy

  1. Getting an a long e-mail
  2. Baking
  3. Cooking
  4. Good Sex with lots of foreplay
  5. Hours of unbothered writing
  6. Writing 10,000 words in a day
  7. Finishing (reading) a good book
  8. A story with a good twist
  9. Not being able to predict something
  10. Soda-pop
  11. Going out
  12. Helping others
  13. Making others happy
  14. Cats
  15. Cuddling with someone nice during a movie
  16. Kissing and making out
  17. Getting actual mail: letters and package
  18. Bubble bath
  19. Having energy
  20. A nice walk
  21. Lots of pillows and comfy bed
  22. Good night sleep
  23. Talking all night
  24. Going to the zoo
  25. Sailing
  26. Swimming
  27. Good Morning Greeting
  28. Spooning: I like the inner spoon
  29. Flirting
  30. A good tone male hairless chest
  31. A fit six pack ab
  32. Bright blue or blue-green eyes
  33. A nice smile
  34. Hair on the a guy’s head that I can run my hand through
  35. A night of card or board games with friends

I’m just Tipsy

I hate talking when someone is drunk. . .
they get loud, frisky, and always seem to have argumentative ideas.
I either think they are always right or they have to save all of the world’s problems right there and then.
They also pull answers out of the thin air.
Why can’t just people drink quietly and go to bed?

 

On a bar note: 

I hate being drunk. . . I’m afraid I will get taken advantage of. . . I have to be in control.

Many of my friends think I am looser when I had a drink or two.

Just do not get me to pass to my emotional drunk, because then I am a wreck, bitchy, jealous, and no fun.