Day 14: People in your life

Day 14: Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so, who and why?

I’m trying to better myself

My family tries, but I have not found any one made me feel good about myself. I feel bad, because I either ignore (one side as i do not feel they can handle my emotional side) or snap at them.

When I get compliments on my writings, I feel good. it’s a few second ego boost and done. Sigh. (I’m very grateful for all positive compliment and encouragement for my writing.it means the world to me. I feel good to know I have people who reads.)

However I think I’m more antisocial than I have ever been.(It feels the few people that I trust, not related to me, are too busy with their own lives or have just taken men out of their lives because I guess I’m just too much.)

I feel like a failure between, my anger (people stupidity), my mood swing, and my health issues keep me from friendships and relationships. (It can also be that I was hurt so bad but someone I trusted, I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again.)

I have noticed that there have been people in my life for a spec or moment . . .they serve their purpose and disappear. I’m grateful for those moments, but I would like a friend or submissive boyfriend for a permanent selection of time.

I’ve also learned people are not here to make me happy. If they do that is just the (super light yummy whipped) icing on the cake. If not, I can eat my plain moist cake on my own.

Bad Habits Part 2

Bad Habits Part 1 heres the link from part 1.
I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes.

I’m far from perfect, but I feel the more I write, the more I learn about myself.

I worry alot (over thinking doesn’t help.) I hate being out of control. If I can’t control something, I over think, over worry and then bite my nails and over eating to try and calm myself down. It usually ends in a stomache or headache

I feel have to plan and be in control. I feel better when I plan. Even though 90% of the time, nothing goes as planned. I love outlining, but my muses and character usually run the story their own ways. I love to make lists: chores, menus, take out orders, errands, grocery, budgeting with bills etc.

I love food. I mentioned in this in part 1, but I forgot the worst part of this habit is that I eat late at night. We joke I’m a vampire. Lol. I watch food network, and I get hungry. We have trying to only watching the food network in the afternoon or during meals.

I feel I have to come with a warning. . . . I can snap at any second for any reason. My mood swings are crazy. I’ve tried talking to several doctors and therapists. The therapist push it to the doctors, and the doctors push it to the therapists. It’s been over two years, and I haven’t gotten past a second date.

I am not a bad person. In fact, I’m the most honest and loyal person, I know.

I’m trying to fix myself. (I’m work in process. Perfection is boring.)

I am working on my current weaknesses. . .

I hate to clean, but with the right energy and good cleaning products, I have cleaned a bathroom pretty good. My bedroom and a kitchen are two rooms I hate to clean. I hate bed making, it can never get flat or even; I tuck in one side and I pull out the other. (But I love clean fresh tide-smelling sheets.)

Clothes wise, I don’t like to sew, cannot stay in a straight line. I also hate ironing. (I don’t dress up, so I need to do either.) I will throw a damp towel in a dryer with my wrinkled clothes so I don’t have to use the iron. I love folding towels, but I hate folding shirts. I am just bad with the sleeves. I am not a fan of laundry. It usually stays in the washer until, I remember or look on my do-to list.

My sleep schedule (my sleep apnea makes thinks worst for me.) Makes a lot of thing hard for me . . . Working a 9 to 5 schedule, day schedule period, (I seem to have the most energy between 8pm to 2am), it’s harder to heal, and harder to control my moods. (I plan to get a cpap machine soon. I hope will get more energy during the day. Coffee and soda are my main sources of energy, right now.)

However I do NOT believe I am over honest or that I write too much.

Why my hands?

I love to write. The feel of a good pen in my hands as it glides on the page. It invites the words, the color, the creativity.

However my hands have been swelling and cramping for weeks now. I tried water pills, but I sleep and they are swollen again. There are cramps as I write. Pushing down on my palm hurts, moving it too much hurts.

It hurts to hold a pen or a fork. It hurts to make a fist. These damn cramps. I probably have arthritis or carpal tunnel syndrome.

I refuse to give up my writing. I felt due my ear issue, I had give up music. I’m not giving up my writing too.

Maybe I can get my computer fixed soon . . . So I can type more.

I’m going to the doctor soon.

My Short Stories

I’m writing Short Stories.

I put my feelings in each one. These are flash fiction but very personal. In the last few year my heart and soul shattered, each of these pieces are my a piece of shattered heart and soul.

I hope to find myself and piece myself together.

I’m posting them on my Short Story blog. . .

Rebekah Quinne Short Stories

What I Learned in 2017

1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 

I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

What I Learned in 2017

1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 

I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

5 Minute Rant

I’m taking 5 minutes out of my time. . .    to rant. I am living in a location with extremely poor WiFi. (I cannot afford to pay for my own WiFi, so we have to deal with what we get.) 

However it only works in the window when the landlords are not using  it. . . (porn, extreme gaming, and Netflix all take a lot of WiFi, and the modem needs to be reset daily. It rarely ever happens.) 

I closed the window because it is 15 degrees for the high today and all I want to is to play my damn candy crush soda saga and it keep telling me to connect to Facebook. I do not want to connect it to anything, I just want to play my damn game, grrrr. 

Can’t I just play my damn game? I don’t need WiFi for everything. Grrr screw it I’m going to color. 

Levels of Depression

Level One

• Just feeling blah/blue, but can be shaken off
• Just general sad feeling
• Feeling sluggish
• Mood swings, but mild: they can be talked out
• Can still get up and function

Level Two

• Mood swings can go from content to blah 
• Easily bored
• Things take a bit more energy
• Want to cry
• Telling jokes may help

Level three 

• Things can take longer to do
• May talk slower
• Harder to make a decision 
• May nap more
• Have to push yourself to get motivated
• Going for a walk may help

Level four

• Restless and exercise may not help
• May snap or bitch for no reason
• Doesn’t want to go out
• Venting may not help or feels stuck and can’t vent
• Shopping may help (temporarily)
• Activities like sex just feel like a chore (they to require more energy than normal.)

Note: Usually after Level Four these don‘t work or they take more work to achieve. 

• Talking out feeling, but feelings linger
• Some dark feelings pop up, but disappear
• Sometimes chocolate or caffeine helps
• Sometimes walking or exercise can help
• Talking out out feelings
• Talking a shower or bath with favorite soap

Level five

• Doesn’t brush teeth 
• May have headache (lacking caffeine or food)
• Eats little
• No pleasure in fun activities
• Emotions feel as if the run together
• Chores feel like torture
• TV is meh. 
• Start to wonder why you exist/purpose. 
• Dark thoughts start (life vs death)
• Sluggish with caffeine like it doesn’t work
• Can not see the positivity in things

Level six

• Doesn’t brush hair
• Think of darkness and death
• Does not want to think
• Does not to do anything
• everything seems to mix together and looks ugly

Level seven

• Feel hopeless
• Doesn’t shower for days
• Doesn’t want to eat 
• Doesn’t want to to get out bed
• Thoughts of taking out yourself or humanity
• Lazy
• Bitter
• Angry
• Sad
• Hopeless
• Sleeping for long periods of time
• Everything feels meaningless
• Everything feels impossible

By levels six and seven you may need others to help you. 

I been on all levels. I try to stop myself by level four.

Anything can cause depression and you can start at any level depending on the trigger. 

Not everything happens for everyone. If you get to level five or higher get help. 7 Cups is a therapy website that really helps me. 

2017 death, men, meh.

It has been a trying year.

 I think I’ve had more bad days and blah days than nice days. 

I’ve lost more people and been more rejected this year than all of my life. 

I’m not sure why or how I keep doing it. 

With the winter coming, I will need as much mental help as I can get. . .

I claim now 2018 . . . Better than 2017. 

Do I care too much?

Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.

We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.

January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.

In August of 2016, he got a successful  liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.

November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.

In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)

I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.

Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.

I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)

I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?

P.S.  since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole. 

Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors.