Finding a Guy

After my semi vanilla relations, (Oct to Dec (2017)) . . . I’ve learned I cannot not go vanilla, but I do want to date and cuddle.

I want a positive, ambitious submissive boyfriend. (I do not want a mindless drone or a complainer.)

However I’m slowly learning that life or fate will never put you in the wrong spot. I learned I need to let life do it’s thing. I should not push because I feel desperately lonely.

I’ve learned life will put in me in the right place, at the right time, even if I’m confused in the present.

I just need to do my thing and Mr. Right will be there when I probably least expect it.

Meanwhile I should enjoy my life: good writing, good family, and good friends.

I just to realize I will find that genuine people that I’m into, but they are not into me. I’m not everyone’s favorite soda-pop or cup of tea.

I simply need to move on and focus and believe life knows what it is doing.

Music

My love of music is a blessing and a curse. . . It depends on the song and my mood.

I can either take on the world or cry hiding in a hole. . . Depending on how the song pushed my emotions. It could make me laugh or haunt me with a bitter memory of my past.

Music is always something I go to no matter emotion I feel. It is expressive for me and I can make a play list for anytime in my life. Sometime a song just says the words, that I cannot get out of my head.

I was originally a music major in college. I found out that I had inner ear problem on my right ear and it made it hard to play one thing and sing another. I changed my major because of my ear, so music is a bittersweet thing for me.

Sigh.

Between PTSD and depression, I have not been happy.

I’ve tried sims, cooking and the rest of my content list. . .

1. Listening to music

2. Comfortably writing for hours

3. Soda pop

4. Shopping

5. Walking

6. Getting out or dinning out

7. Talking to friends

8. Cats

9. Watching funny TV

10. Going to the movies

I just can’t get or find happiness. Why?

I’m giving him 5 more days and I’m done

I laugh because I know he will still haunt me. (He celebrated his birthdays for weeks, not days.) 

I’m talking about my ex Tom. He was my longest relationship so far. It is hard to get him out of my head . . . he passed away from cancer January 13, 2017.  (Saturday will be his anniversary of his death.) 

So starting today, I’m going to highlight a different thing about him until Saturday and I will write out his funeral the way he would have wanted it. 

(I find it funny that I told myself I was going to give myself until December 31st, 2017 and move on. He and I both know I am trying, but when someone lives you for 8 years of your life, they make an impact. ) 

A Healthy Balance

My health is like balancing on a high wire. 

Yesterday I had low blood sugar spell. . . tired, sore, cranky. 

It was 72. I had a few sugar cubes and it went  up to 138 and 150. I work my best at 120. However I have no figured how to balance it just well yet. 

However I love my soda, chocolate, and coffee. 

Just don’t want my damn diabetes to destroy my love of food. 

Sighs

This kills me because I pride myself on my honesty . . .but sometimes I lie about my feelings with the outside world. I will smile and laugh or be robotic when I’m sad and miserable inside. 

However I am sad, and hurt and mad and upset and I feel like I am stuck in a dark, cold very lonely hole. I feel like this hole is only getting deeper. 

I’m so sad. I’m going to bed. 

5 Minute Rant

I’m taking 5 minutes out of my time. . .    to rant. I am living in a location with extremely poor WiFi. (I cannot afford to pay for my own WiFi, so we have to deal with what we get.) 

However it only works in the window when the landlords are not using  it. . . (porn, extreme gaming, and Netflix all take a lot of WiFi, and the modem needs to be reset daily. It rarely ever happens.) 

I closed the window because it is 15 degrees for the high today and all I want to is to play my damn candy crush soda saga and it keep telling me to connect to Facebook. I do not want to connect it to anything, I just want to play my damn game, grrrr. 

Can’t I just play my damn game? I don’t need WiFi for everything. Grrr screw it I’m going to color. 

Do I care too much?

Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.

We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.

January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.

In August of 2016, he got a successful  liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.

November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.

In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)

I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.

Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.

I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)

I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?

P.S.  since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole. 

Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors. 

Depression strikes again.

I’m exhausted. Sleep only happens in single cycles of 3 hours maybe more, here and there.

I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks and depression fighting me all weekend. 

Nightmares of being abandoned and lost and confused.  (My chest is getting tight just thinking of it.)

Past coming back to literally haunt me, but migraines beating me instead. Past on hold. 

Chest heavy, breathing hard, panic catching in my throat. 

Stomach turns, food comes from helping hands, but doesn’t help.  

That is my weekend. I did manage to get to write pieces here and there. There is a light. 

Health vs reality

Yesterday was a challenge to get out of bed.  I hate my life like that. I don’t need bitter, harsh people having me to jump into reality. . . They will piss me off and make me hug my pillows harder.

However I simply need someone excited about life and telling me “let’s take one step at a time.” I want them to tell me “getting out of bed is a baby step, help me with dinner, and then we’ll go shopping or watch a movie.”

I have goals and dreams. I have things I want to accomplish in my life. I feel I really need support getting there. . .

My health issues are not always visible. Last night out of nowhere, after several really good days, I was completely down and out. I felt like nothing had meaning. My writing had no value and I felt depressed and empty. I hate that deflated feeling. . . Like deflated balloon in a dried up mud puddle. 

Normally, I know my triggers, but I’m getting depressed without trigger. It’s starting to scare me.

I just want to get better. A site that helps me http://www.7cups.com/21800318