What I want for 2017

Personal Goals for 2017

1. I want to walk more. (At least three walks a week or several rounds on the stairs.)
2. I want to lose weight. (80 pounds. . . ultimate goal.)
3. I want to be more active.
4. I want to stretch more. (No charlie horses.)
5. I want to learn some basic yoga and be more physically flexible.
6. I want my tight clothes to be looser.
7. I want to lower my diabetes numbers.
8. I want to try more recipes.
9. I want to control my binge eating. I want to eat smaller sizes.
10. I want to eat better.
11. I want to get into the habit of three meals a day.
12. I want to paint more.
13. I want to read more.
14. I want to save a little money.
15. I want to meet my “wolfie.” He knows who he is.
16. I want to deal, maybe even cure my anxiety and depression.
17. I want to mediate more and be able to always access my happy place.
18. I want to finish some of the projects I have started.
19. I want to start some new projects.
20. I want to help my ex get stronger and heal.

Things that Happened in 2016

2016 was a very challenging year. I felt really stuck and trapped this year, so I really didn’t feel I accomplished that much. I mean I didn’t even finish a book: writing or reading. However I have learned a lot about myself.

My writing accomplishments link here. . . https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/2016/12/30/what-happened-in-2016/

Things I accomplished in 2016

1. I am working more on a day schedule. Eh, I know, but maybe I can figure out where to get more writing and editing in.
2. I have gone to the doctor myself.
3. I have gone to therapy by myself.
4. I feel I have more energy.

Things I have learned in 2016

1. I loved flavored coffee. (Mocha, coconut, caramel vanilla, and Chocolate raspberry are my favorite.)
2. My cat will look all over the house when I am gone.
3. I miss my cat very much.
4. Therapy really works as long as you are open and honest with the therapist and yourself.
5. I like cats sometimes better than people.
6. I would be a good vet assistant or care-giver.
7. I have less anxiety when I am busy.
8. I live and deal better when I am on my own.
9. I can do chores better when I am by myself (at my own time and doing it my own way.)
10. I’m sorry, but I am not a baby or kid person. (I rather have a fur-baby that purrs.)
11. I have learned I hate to be controlled or told what to do. I do NOT deal with authority well.
12. Distance is just a number when love is involved. (still makes me sad my “wolfie” is not here.)
13. I secretly like to fold towels and peel potatoes.
14. I do not like being treated like a 15 year old who needs a babysitter.
15. Not driving really limits me. (But I am terrified of getting in an accident again.)

New Facebook Survey

Do you:
Have a crush: Yes
Have a bestfriend: A few really good friends
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes
What’s your boyfriend/girlfriend name: River
Want a boyfriend/girlfriend: I have one
Want a new bestfriend: I like to have some more friends

Do you prefer:
Cats or dogs: Cats
Purple or blue: Purple
Choc or vanilla: Chocolate
Books or movies: Both
Being asleep or awake: I wish I didn’t have to sleep

Have you:
Snuck out: No
Been Suspended: no
Felt lonely: yes
Cried your self to sleep: yes
Gone to sleep with your clothes on: yes
Littered: I try not to

Whats your:
Fav TV shows: Big Bang or Chopped
Fav book: Currently Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles
Fav subjects: Music, and English
Fav food: Currently sushi, pizza, soups, and lasagna

Would you:
Cheat: No. I am extremely loyal to a fault
Kill an animal: I prefer to go to the store for my meat. I don’t think I could kill an animal other than a spider.
Sneak out: a moment to myself.
Break into a shop: No

Are you:
Scared to lose someone: yes
Scared of the clowns: do not like them (thank you Stephen King)
Scared of dying: Not much anymore
Scared of heights: yes
Scared of Spiders: I do not like them

Do you think:
People talk about you behind your back: Yes
Someone loves you (not including family): Yes
Someone hates you: I have my enemies
Someone secretly wants to date you: Maybe

Confession 23

I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I feel like I am getting my own voice back.

Since mid November: I have been taking therapy. I have needed therapy for years and finally had a break down big enough that everyone agreed I needed help.
It took a break down for it to happen. Break down

My therapy has been helping, and the fact that I am on my own has helped.

I do not deal with someone over my head.

I hate when someone tells me what to do.

I like doing my own thing.

I hate feeling like I am judged when I don’t agree on something.

I HATE FEELING like a kid. I am an adult damn it!

Did I say I am glad I am on my own?

Confession 22: Reality Vs Fantasy

Why does it seem lately that everything seems better in my head?

Examples:

#1
In my head: I wanted to go out to all you can eat wing place for my birthday and then have presents and dark forest cake afterward with part of my family and a few friends. There were would be laughs and good time with everyone.

Reality: I had several cats naps, because my sleep schedule is way off. Then for dinner a store bought pizza that wasn’t bad, but not what I wanted. I wanted a dark forest cake (chocolate and cherries), but what I got was a pumpkin pie that was just okay.

#2
In my head: I am cuddling and getting massages with my boyfriend and playing with my cat.

Reality: I’m helping my ex without my cat.

#3
In my head: I am touring promoting my books and give huge universe lectures on how to write a novel.

Reality: I can’t even write in my diary.  Damn writer’s block.

 

Reality Vs Fantasy: Sometimes reality sucks.
Did I do something wrong?

Confession #21: Meow

I do not regret making the decision to help my ex. I knew he needed my help and I feel appreciated for it.

I do; however, miss my furbaby, Elmo. I had to leave him behind.

He loved me, even though he was a biter.  I always wore his bite marks proudly.

I feel bad. He is probably looking for me in the house. (If I could have taken him with me, I would have.)

Many say that cats don’t care, but he did. (My older cat Mona, did too.) They both knew my smell and would snuggle with me. They helped with my anxiety and depression. I love the sound of a cat’s purr.

He was one thing I was affectionate with. I miss him very badly. I just hope he is happy.

My Furbaby This is a blog of pics when he was a kitten.

This is what he looks like now.

I made a decision

I know my ex had hurt me in the past, but I heard that he had gotten a liver transplant. It is a very dangerous and serious surgery.

I was requested to live with and help him. Free room and board and he will help pay for personal items. I thought about it hard. I knew that he had hurt me, but was that him or the toxins from the liver? No one was asking me to marry him (I am interested in someone else.) They just wanted me to help him with meals, supporting him with walking, helping with therapy and the nurses etc.
Long story short, I had a dream. . . where neither Jesus nor the Devil would take me. They said I wasn’t good enough for Heaven or bad enough for Hell. It was true. I was a robot merely surviving repressing my emotions where I was.
So I took the offer.  

I know I pissed people off. I’m sorry they are mad.

I know I confused people, but I felt I needed to do this. Maybe my communication was lacking but I never communicated right with them.

They never really allowed me to be who I needed to be. They made me feel lazy, useless, and not able to express who I am.

I am helping someone who trusts and needs me.

I feel less anxious at times because I can talk about it.

Now I feel like I can help and be me again, not a robot.