Trying to write more

I am trying my best to write more about myself. . .

2020 was a trying year. . .

1. I had such bad writer’s block that I barely got role-playing and journaling in . . . .everything else (writing wise) I was completely blocked or I had to force it. (My boyfriend and writing partner helped me amazingly to get something out, but nothing got finished.) My writing updates will be here https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com
2. I gain the 19 pounds that I had lost in 2019 and gained extra. (It’s more frustrating.) If I get one more damn doctor claiming that weight lost is the cure all, I will scream. Yes, I am trying my best to simply slow down on my soda, but produce does not hold as well as rice and pasta. It’s hard to go for a walk with a mask on, breathing.
3. I did pray a lot but I still have depression mixed with being stuck inside due to the quarantine.
4. I was paranoid going out due to the viral pandemic. (Shopping wasn’t that fun anymore. I feel bad for local businesses. I am afraid to go to the doctor because I might get the virus. I have several family members with weak immune systems.)
5. The masks are causing teeth and breathing issues. (I am avoiding the dentist, because the last time he tried to fix my teeth the three doses of Novocaine did not work. A drill without Novocaine is excruciating. My lower jaw is way more sensitive.)
6. I will admit that I went through a lot of drama this year. (I hope I am wiser and stronger this year. I also am in a very complicated relationship, but I will not give it up for the world.)
7. I am trying to how to find my own happiness and self-love. (I learned you need to help yourself before you can truly help others. I am also working on my spiritual way.)

I hope to write more here as soon as I can, but I also want to write a few short stories this weekend.

2018 VS 2019

What have I learned in 2018

1. It’s ok to be single. Friends are better than a struggling relationship.
2. You should research therapist and doctors. It’s ok to switch to seek the doctor that works and listens to you. Second opinions are also ok. (Doctors are human, and they do make mistakes. There are issues with similar symptoms.)
3. Good deeds go a long way. They can be as simple as give money or complicated as giving your time to help someone living situation.
4. Celebrities have the same issues as an “average Joe.” They have depression, anxiety, panic attacks. They get nervous and can worry about roles.  They have diet issues and can get sick. They even have problem with sleep and some even go to therapy.
5. Life is short, be Happy! I have learned that happiness is up to you. It is that simple.  (Pursue things that make you happy.)

 

What I want to do in 2019

1. I want to finish several of my writing projects. (I will have my writing goals on my blog http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/ )
2. I want to make more friends. (I guess I need to socialize a bit more.)
3. I want to help others. (So many has helped me this year, I want to give back.)
4. Make my body healthier (Yes, I know lower soda, walk, and sleep more.)
5. I want to get a better place to live, more space. (Hopefully with a cat or two.)

I am focusing on me

I am focusing on me

I am NOT seeking a relationship for a while.

• I cannot find someone patient enough to truly get me, this does NOT just happen over night.
• I am NOT seeking an online wannabe relationship thing. (I have very weak wifi, my landlord is cheap and thinks a basic house modem can deal with more than ten devices. We have at least four running in our place alone. I also have NO privacy. I will NOT give my messengers or phone number just after one message or one day of messaging. I have learned my lesson. That just means I am dealing with impatient person. One word comes to mind catfish.)
• I think I do not have someone else yet is that I do not want to put my health issues on anyone else.
• I feel there is needs to be some kind of physical intimacy in a relationship. (I’m not asexual or grey sexual at the moment by choice.)
• I am not sure if I am truly over my ex as I keep comparing others to him and most do not add up (there is also a fear of getting hurt again. I know I am strong, but I am still working on the heal process. I do not think I can take another blow.)

I need to focus on my health issues.
• Currently my sleep patterns are off ( my cpap machine not really helping completely yet, I’m still very tired, low energy and easily cranky.)
• I have a rash from the location I am in (the cheap paint and some of the bleach products that they use).
• My emotional issues (hyper, sad, angry, bouncy. . . uncontrolled mood swings and hormonal issues), and my female pains (taking sexual intimacy off the table. Which honestly sucks).

I may take time off the personal sites for a while as there is no connection, no real relationship. I think I need to rewrite my profile because I keep getting guys against my deal-breakers. Some just want instant direction because they just do not want to control their own lives anymore and others just want to sexual please someone. . . I am NOT seeking either.

I think the best for me is to find friends who I truly connect with.
I rather have fun with friends some dinners, karaoke parties, card or board games, cuddles with movies, and if there is that submissive-yet-more-than-friends connections I get with someone, awesome. If not, I am still happy with who I am.

If you want to be friends, awesome. If not then I hope you find the dominant or the kinky girlfriend you need. (Note: if you are into a relationship, please let your partner know that you have friends. I will NOT be a secret.)

So I’m focusing on myself: my health and what makes me happy!

Holiday

I’ve been tired for days, but Christmas went well.

I’m a mixture of European, but my father’s side has Slovak in it, and we follow a Christmas soup (saurkuat and mushrooms etc.) tradition. Its to be made on Christmas eve. Its a required taste, and yet it does not feel like Christmas without it. I made it this year, and it turned out really good. Our neighbors even liked it.

Then I helped cook Ham on Christmas.

Between the cooking, salty meats with my gout, I’ve been pretty tired and swollen.

I hope everyone’s holiday went well.

It is so simple

Find the things that bring enjoyment and happiness. . .

• Seek those happy activities.
• Try to do one thing each day that makes you happy, even if it’s just 5 minutes with a cup of coffee
• I’ve listed my happiness activities, things and events
• Focus on things that bring you joy
• Focus on getting rid of things that don’t make you happy

Yes, it really is that simple.

Why do I make it so complicated?

My Birthday

I felt good all week but now. . .

It feels just another day.

I felt like my mind hyped it all for nothing.

I don’t feel any older or wiser.

Many of my online friends wished me a happy birthday early.

I’m getting a cake tomorrow.

My hair is funky and colorful.

I’ve done a lot within the year, but I still feel blah.

I hope Christmas goes better.

5 of my greatest Compliments

I get compliment and thanked for different things. I try to put others before myself. I have a few skills. . . . Music, writing, cooking etc.

These are my greatest compliments I was given. . .

1. You are a gifted and/or awesome writer. You have so much talent and tell a twisted, creative story. Keep writing. Please don’t stop writing. (I try to write as much as I can. I try my best to ignore the others who say I write too much.)

2. Thank you for being an open and/Or honest person. (I believe in honesty, no point in lying. It will catch up with you and cause a mess.)

3. You are an awesome cook. I love (fill in the dish, I make a lot.) I love

4. I look forward to your future blogs, stories, messages or e-mail etc. (This one is my top 5 because it means the person wants to see or read more of me.)

5. Thank you for replying back. (Its simple, but to me it’s just matters. If you took the time to read my profile and message at least I can do is thank you for your time, even if I’m not interested. It helps for closure and for the other to move on. I hate to be hanging, waiting for a reply that would never happen, it’s rude.)

Honorable mention

You sing so well. I love your voice. (I enjoy singing and I’ve had 14 years of vocal training and won many awards. I had ear isdyes some just sing karaoke and myself now.)

I wasn’t on here all November

I’ve been busy. . .

1. Working on Nanowrimo I explain more about it on my writing blog: http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com
2. Dealing with health issue: sleep issues, female issues, migraine, sinuses, and gout
3. Weekly Errands
4. Working on a writing project for a friend
5. Trying to find friends that understand me
6. Cooking
7. Sleeping
8. Seeing doctors
9. Thanksgiving

Late post: Thanksgiving

I’m sorry this post is late, but just before Thanksgiving I got gout, and I’ve been healing and sleeping ever since.

We had a good Thankgiving holiday in which I’m very thankful for. However there was no drama just family, friends, food and laughter. (It was nice, but I was waiting for someone to breakout or a couple bickering in the background, but just enjoy each other and food. Its sad that I’m used to that around the holidays.)

I’ve been sleeping a lot just to heal my painful ankles.

Days 29 to 31

I’m trying to better myself

Day 29: What do you think of your teeth and your smile? Do you like them and if so, why? If not, how can you view them more positively?

I used to love my teeth. When I was young I had them capped due to issues I had when I slept, but the caps started to chip a few years back. I need to get them done again, but my dentist is pushing every procedure but it.Sigh.

I used to sing and I used to have a big toothy smile, but now not so much.

My face is the first thing people usually noticed about me and yes i do have teeth problems, but majority are in the back of my mouth. I’m very apprehensive about the whole thing. I hate pain, and many times my teeth hurt

Day 30 Validation is important to our self-esteem. Do others encourage you? If not, what are some ways that you can ask them to so your self-esteem.

My family does help and those who read my writing and blog. . That comment really help my self esteem. It feels like a confirmation that I’m meant to be writing. (Esspecially when I have those who thinks it’s unstable and I’m wasting time writing too much.)

I give myself goals and rewards for myself.

Day 31. Rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1-10?

It was -5 on my lowest day, but currently I’m at 7.

Has your self-esteem improved?

I have learned about myself. I’ve also learned that I am valuable. My sleep issues make my depression and anxiety feel bigger than they are.