I felt good all week but now. . .
It feels just another day.
I felt like my mind hyped it all for nothing.
I don’t feel any older or wiser.
Many of my online friends wished me a happy birthday early.
I’m getting a cake tomorrow.
My hair is funky and colorful.
I’ve done a lot within the year, but I still feel blah.
I hope Christmas goes better.
I do enjoy sleep when I have good dreams and the air is just right not too hot or too cold. The blanket is comfy and smells good. I wake up actually feeling refreshed.
This usually only happens maybe 1 time out every 50.
I usually wake up stiff, tired or exhausted (like I didn’t sleep at all). I’ve either hot, cold, in pain, with a headache. . . Or have to wake up due to my bladder or panic attack or choking with breathing problems.
Sometimes I can sleep for 12 hours and feel like I had not slept all. Sometimes I can run all day on four good hours of sleep, again, this is rare. My depression makes me want to sleep even more and not get out of bed.
I have sleep apnea where I do not get enough air in or out. I snore very loud, get dry mouth, grind my teeth, wake up with jaw pain, and headaches.
Apnea makes me wake up choking, my lips to be blue due to lack of oxygen, my head is foggy and it’s hard to focus, my eyes twitch, my eyes are heavy. I get migraines and my stomach don’t settle.
My animea makes me exhausted. I was so tired from the lack of blood cells that I have choked on my food several times.
Caffeine or lack of caffeine really screws me up. If I drink coffee or energy (no ginsing) at the wrong times and my day and night schedules are off.
My anxiety fills my head will ideas and I’m up with insomnia, but I am usually a zombie.
With all of these problems sleep is hard for me.
I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot.
I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot.
Note: I’ve tried to keep coffee stopped by 6pm and soda by 10pm.
Dec 1 2am to 8:15 9:20 to 10:35 choppy and feels exhausted
Dec 2 4am to 12:15pm still exhausted. Choked a few times
Dec 3 1:30am to 6:15 and 6:45 to 8:15 and 9 to 12 very choppy and foggy, headache, and crampy
Dec 4 12:15 to 8:05am and 9:15 to 12:35 exhausted, hard to get up
Dec 5 2:30 to 8:15 and 9:15 to 11:15 bad dream, tossed and turn alot
Dec 6 1:35 to 8:35 and 9:15 to 11 and 11:35 to 1. Foggy, exhausted
Dec 7 1:45 to 10:55 and 11to 1 and 4:45 to 715 could not stay awake
Dec 8 3am to 11:30 very choppy sleep
Dec 9 2:45 to 1:15 not super tired but foggy
The more I sleep through the night, the better I am.
Between, hormonal issues, sleep apnea, headaches, depression, and other mental issues. . . My sleep just is not balanced.
Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.
We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.
January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.
In August of 2016, he got a successful liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.
November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.
In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)
I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.
Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.
I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)
I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?
P.S. since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole.
Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors.
My anxiety goes up and down. I take a test for my health issues: anxiety, depression, and stress.
Results of the test of the last few months.
I’m exhausted. Sleep only happens in single cycles of 3 hours maybe more, here and there.
I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks and depression fighting me all weekend.
Nightmares of being abandoned and lost and confused. (My chest is getting tight just thinking of it.)
Past coming back to literally haunt me, but migraines beating me instead. Past on hold.
Chest heavy, breathing hard, panic catching in my throat.
Stomach turns, food comes from helping hands, but doesn’t help.
That is my weekend. I did manage to get to write pieces here and there. There is a light.
I just found out a friend of mine lost his child to drowning. Please keep him and family in your thoughts and prayers. Or you donate to her go fund me.
https://www.gofundme.com/47qwu5s
I am not a kid person, but she was a cute, giggly girl. I would never wish this on my own enemy. She was a sweet girl, taken from us too soon. RIP Zandra.
In my head 