Okay I had what I thought was depressing and boring day . . . until dinner today. There was this guy I was really into and I thought he was into me until he just stopped talking to me out of nowhere no, I found someone else or I just cannot handle you. Just silence for weeks almost 6 weeks now. I saw him picking dip dishes and delivering pizza to the table including my table He just completely freaks out okay I know my double takes and being out with the whole family doesn’t help. I would have left a tip it he didn’t almost get3 girls wet at the pop machine trying to avoid me. (This was an old post I had about him. . . I guess I shouldn’t have been worried about anything.) https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2016/01/01/he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not/
I felt like I was in the 5th grade again when I had A crush on tho class clown he didn’t like me back
Not overanalyze it is just like my dream with the blue eyed blondes and how 90% of them are not going to like me. I need to see men for their heart and soul. Link here . . . https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2016/01/25/who-do-i-want-for-me/
besides I currently have a guy who adores me even if it is just an online fantasy maybe it is what we both need right now. (More on that guy later. . .)
I thought I just had another epiphany . . . and I had a dream in which I had a long line of men different sizes but all had blonde hair and blue eyes. They all seem had a reason to reject me: too short, too perky, too fat, lazy, too clingy, I’m not currently working, I’m into art, I’m tolerant certain political issues, I’m not smart enough, or I’m a writer, etc. None of them wanted me, and worst of all, it was the ones I thought were the cutest that were the meanest.
I know I had crushes on looks, but most of the guys I’ve date never look like my crushes. Maybe it’s good. Maybe looks aren’t everything . . . what are the chances I would actually find my unicorn?
Maybe I just need to find someone who is seriously into me, all of me . . . would that be enough?
I think this dream just made me more confused.
© 2016 Rebekah Quinne
I have not written poetry in a while. Maybe I will start again. . .
This for someone very special.
My Written Angel. . .
He walks within
With the sweetest words
Just for us
To see. . .
Even in pain
He is there for me
Do I deserve. . .
A gentle soul?
He is hidden
Within the words
© 2016 Rebekah Quinne
You watch these couples on TV like Cory and Topanga (Boy Meets World), Kevin and Winnie (The Wonder Years), Lily and Marshal (How I Met Your Mother) and Dharma and Greg (Dharma and Greg) and makes you wonder if there are couples actually out there like that. . .
I would love guy who is devoted and excited about life as Cory, as straight-forward and determined as Kevin, as passionate and goofy as Marshal, and as open and nonjudgmental as Greg. I think I found him. I think this guy I am chatting with is all that.
Maybe TV just makes guys look good. Maybe I am asking for too much, and if I got this am I good enough to receive it?
I’ve had a crush on this guy since before high-school- he had blonde hair that would hang in his crystal blue eyes . . . his blue eyes were endless water-waves of untold emotion and secrets-his soul is profound.
The things that made him so special and why I had a crush on him for so long. . .
- He never made me feel stupid, even with his larger vocabulary. In fact he made me want to learn, and strive to be a better person.
- He would always talk to me. He would smile when we talked to, not stand there like he felt he had to, but wanted to.
- He never had judging or mean thing to say, at least to my face.
- He was physically everything I wanted in a guy.
- He made me laugh.
However I do not feel I am good enough for him . . . he is good with the ladies and successful with business. He probably wants a sophisticated woman who would be smart, kind, cool, and good eye candy. I know I am smart, but I do not feel smart enough for him. I know I am not pretty/beautiful enough for him. The girl I think he is with is a thin elegant woman with chocolate hair and sea blue eyes she could be a model . . . I feel like chopped liver compared to her.
I keep dreaming about him, and it’s driving me crazy. The thing is that none of my dreams with him are over PG-13. Its an innocent love. . . . I mean I can see him naughty just not with me. I want to, but I don’t feel good enough for him. How do I overcome this?
The dreams keep repeating so I have decided to write about it, but I wonder if he would get offended if I base a character off of him. . . so when I finish this story do I tell him about it?
Reasons why I am good enough
- I am generous and selfless. I am always putting others before myself. I get abused and used a lot for it, but I cannot change who I am.
- I am caring. I worry a lot, but it’s a part of who I am.
- I go out of my way to make those I care about happy. I want the best for those I care about.
- I love to laugh, and I try to get others to laugh. My main humor is either corny or dirty.
- I get excited over the small things. I like things like poetry, flowers, talking until the sun comes up, laughing, cooking together etc.
- I try to support my beloved hopes and dreams. I am also realistic, I want my dearest to have a decent future.
- I’m smart, sweet, and I try really hard.
- I’m good at cooking and baking. I will clean, but I really do not like to.
- I am a writer . . . at one point or another you will be in my work.
- I am passionate, but nervous if I really like someone. I fear that they will not like me back.
I’ve had some serious health issues and lately they keep playing a roller coaster of unpredictability with me. Anyway I thought I had serious case of diabetes-I’ve been tired all of the time. I’m been sluggish lack of focus I snappy, emotional, drained, nauseated, constantly thirsty, dizzy, and frequent urination. All of these symptoms mixed with day to day errand and chores was crushing me
I got some blood work done to find out I am still boarder line diabetic. However my blood was low especially my red blood cells. Just over half what they are supposed to be. Sotho doctor gave me iron and vitamins they help but no one knows why my blood count is so low it could be female issues which is what I really believe. However I am still running more tests.
Some days I’m good and some days and I’m just plain exhausted. I hate sleeping for 12 plus hours, whether it 12 hours straight or 6 hours here, 2 hours here and 4 hours there. I want to sleep less and write more why won’t my body work with me?
I also have moments of depression and anxiety still . . . my stepmom just doesn’t stop from the moment she gets up to the moment she goes to bed. . . how the f*ck does she do it? The thing is I feel guilty when I cannot keep up with her, but my anemia barely lets me have a normal schedule. 9 times out of 10, if I am up but 9am, I am either napping until noon or I am out by 9pm. She gets up by 11am and doesn’t go to bed until 2am.
The snow has started to come in, and now everyone has colds. I can feel my body trying to fight, but I still get a running nose and sneezing. This pushes me back even more . . . I can write with a cold, but physical stuff is hard.
A few things happened this weekend. . .
I’ve had an epiphany. . . I had a wise friend tell something that I probably already knew, but I was too blah (or stupid for the lack of better words) to see it. Anyway, he basically said I need to find myself, figure out what I want in life, and then who I want in life . . . then live my life and the right guy should fall into place. (It is so easier said than done, why I do I think I am so lonely? And why do all I want to do is cuddle?)
I also had a weird dream. . . . I had my family all in hospital beds . . . the cats roamed freely through our unit. However they were taking the building down and moving us. . . I wanted to take the entire closet of stuff we had collected, but the paramedic in a dark jump suit said “You can’t keep it where you going. . .” Then I said, “Okay, then just make sure we take our cats.”
I think it was a life metaphor for “You can’t take it with you.” I think that it works for everything, relationships, new chapters in life, even death (but I am not at the third one yet.) So I decided that whoever I am with better love cats, because the cats are coming with me.
So my epiphany is that I just need to let some things go. . . I cannot take them with me.
I also played a few games of pool with my mom. I still cannot hold the stick right.
I cheated on my diet, but still managed to lose a 1.4 pounds. Yay. . . secret is drink enough.
Other than that it was a pretty calm weekend.
First of all, it is NOT perverted, everyone keeps thinking that when I say it.
Secondly, if you know me at all, you know I am writer. . . I try to make it 90% of the time I am awake, I either have a pen in my hand, or idea in my head or if I am very lucky both.
Thirdly, I am living with family now, so when it comes to personal, intimate stuff, I try to keep it on the down-low, if it happens at all.
Okay. . . on to the toy. . . at Christmas, I got a computer. What I love is that it is a tablet and I can write on it with a pen. I have a special pen and whatever I write magically turned into text. . . I know it’s not magic. . . it’s some computer program. I like to be creative not logical.
I wrote this with the pen. . .
I love my new toy it’s a new computer that is a computer and a tablet. I also can write all of my text with a pen. It can read my handwriting, well 90% of the time. It’s awesome!! I just need to motivate myself more to write.
I don’t know if I write or type faster …I don’t know if it really matters.