November all for me. 

I am not a selfish person, but next month is all about me. I am working on my writing and hopefully myself. 

My goal is in 2018 to move forward and away from my past.

I have two projects. . .  (Each project is 50,000 in 30 days)

  1. Finishing the The Broken Path 50,000 plus. 
  2. Working on the ghost stories for the Broken Path.

    I hope to figure myself out and do something for me, write. 

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    My brain will not stop 

    I can rant and go on and on, but my brain still will not stop. This has caused me insomnia and . .. 

     I’ve tried. . . .

    1. breathing exercises, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3
    2. Turning off the TV
    3. Mediating 
    4. Music
    5. Cutting down on my caffeine after 4

    I’m still up 5 out 7 nights a week with my everlasting thoughts. 

    Average thoughts

    1. Health issues, when will I get fixed
    2. Why do my hormones keep making me a b*tch?
    3. Food issues is there ever enough
    4. Why do I feel so useless? I do help with errands, and cooking
    5. Writing scheduling
    6. Errand scheduling
    7. Sleep issues and why I cannot sleep when I supposed to. 
    8. Depression
    9. Guys vs what I want 
    10. Hope’s and dreams vs depression

    This what my head is like . . . 

    Therapy: time and over thinking = worry

    I’ve learned that when you make me wait, and I can’t sleep, then I think. That is a very bad idea.  Well, it’s great while I’m working on a book,  but not good when I am worried about what is going on in real life. 

    It’s like the reason why a kid will check the bed or closet after watching a scary movie. It’s the same creative and yet over active and mentally dangerous imagination that gets sucked into regular thought and mixed with anxiety making careless worry. I am constantly worrying: over nothing and everything

    I’m not sure how to stop it. Lately, my anxiety is extremely high over having too much time to think. My sleep schedule is completely off, so most of the time I’m too tired to write. (Even now I’m yawning.) Basic thoughts get twisted into unneeded and unwanted traumatic, dramatic nightmares that make me freak out over nothing that is really happening.  

    For example, when someone stops talking to me for a few days. . . 

    • I instantly think they are in accident stuck in the hospital or out with their girlfriend that they never told me about. 
    • When the truth is they were working and doing errands. They gave some space because I was sick. (When I want to sleep give me 6 to 8 hours, not 48 to 72 hours.)

    I’ve tried to release my worries, but I just want to find a way to calm my thoughts. Maybe a movie or color.  

    Chatting games

    I try not to play the “hard to get” chatting games. 

    I’m trying to be more open in the dating pool, but I know what I want and yet the doors are current closed. 

    So I chat, but then guy gets aggressive even at my polite pushing away. 

    • “I’m not into your interests.
    • “I need to go to bed”
    • “We don’t live close, I’m seeking someone local. “
    • “I do not want just a chat, I want a real life relationship.”

     If I tell exactly how I see it, I sound like a b*tch

    • “I see us talking online, but then you will lie or be aggressive about something you really want and make me uncomfortable.” (Pusher)
    • “You’ll talk to me try to get pic and get off or I say no and you go on the the next easy chatter. You won’t chat again or if you do you ask for more pics.” (Pic weasel because the term I want to use is not nice)
    • “We chat for a few days, until either one say that is deal breaker ” (delayed dealbreaker I ask my deal breaking issues on chat 1.)
    • Chat, one date,  no call (fearful brats)

      I want a text, chat to continue after the first date, and then second and a third date etc. 

      If I don’t think we are going to be at least friends, then why are we even chatting? 

      Depression strikes again. 

      I’m exhausted. Sleep only happens in single cycles of 3 hours maybe more, here and there.

      I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks and depression fighting me all weekend. 

      Nightmares of being abandoned and lost and confused.  (My chest is getting tight just thinking of it.)

      Past coming back to literally haunt me, but migraines beating me instead. Past on hold. 

      Chest heavy, breathing hard, panic catching in my throat. 

      Stomach turns, food comes from helping hands, but doesn’t help.  

      That is my weekend. I did manage to get to write pieces here and there. There is a light. 


      Rolls eyes

      I suck. . .

      At playing it cool.

      I bite my tongue when he asks if I am ok as I am afraid I would chase him away with everything in my head. He doesn’t want to hear my true feelings, he barely texts he misses me. 

      He doesn’t want to hear that I am freaking out because I feel like he rather be somewhere else 9 times out 10 we text. Or that I’m freaking out because I do not feel I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, quiet enough, strict/dominant enough.  . . He wants to me to demand him what to do, how to do it and simply be happy with that. 

      He is out bettering himself. I cannot even get up to get a can of soda. I made dinner, but didn’t finish my fantasy football list. I feel completely deflated and not worthy.

      I cannot sleep.

      My mind will not stop.

      All I do is freak out.

      I’m loud and cannot play it cool. 

      What is wrong with me?

      Health vs reality

      Yesterday was a challenge to get out of bed.  I hate my life like that. I don’t need bitter, harsh people having me to jump into reality. . . They will piss me off and make me hug my pillows harder.

      However I simply need someone excited about life and telling me “let’s take one step at a time.” I want them to tell me “getting out of bed is a baby step, help me with dinner, and then we’ll go shopping or watch a movie.”

      I have goals and dreams. I have things I want to accomplish in my life. I feel I really need support getting there. . .

      My health issues are not always visible. Last night out of nowhere, after several really good days, I was completely down and out. I felt like nothing had meaning. My writing had no value and I felt depressed and empty. I hate that deflated feeling. . . Like deflated balloon in a dried up mud puddle. 

      Normally, I know my triggers, but I’m getting depressed without trigger. It’s starting to scare me.

      I just want to get better. A site that helps me http://www.7cups.com/21800318

      Baggage

      I used to watch the game show called Baggage. Jerry Springer was the host. There was the main person, male or female which had a piece of extreme baggage. Then they get to see three or four of the wanted type of partner with their small, medium, and large baggage. 

      It made me think what is my baggage. 

      Small baggage: I’m very close to my family. I moved back in with them. (My ex didn’t want me to work, so when he passed away, I had nothing. I try to help support my family and they help and support me.)

      Medium baggage: I am seeking someone to inspire me and support my writing career. 

      Large baggage: I have health issues which encourages me to entrance more of a dominant life style. I am a dominant yet sensual mistress who loves control. I love chastity and other fetishes. I want a submissive boyfriend who wants me for who I am and supports me. 
      Surprising baggage: I do not want kids, and I will not date those with kids. I rather have 2 to 3 cats. I helped raise my brothers and was forced into an education major, this burnt me out. I want adult fun, writing my book, like running around the house naked or have dinner parties or traveling more.  

      Smack the back of my head. My gut is always right.

      Grrrrrr. I did it again. I ignored my gut feeling. 

      My problem as a writer: I love words, and I love reading the right words. There are people out there all wrong for me, but can say just right thing at the perfect time. It catches you in the back of your mind and makes you have a war with that gut feeling saying it’s not right. 

      My gut is not judgemental, it just knows what is truly best for me. I need to listen to it more. 

      I want that situation in my life that is 90% too good to be true, usually it is. Sigh. 

      The encouraging words is one of my Achilles heel. It makes me feel wronged when the words are empty. Because at this point in my life all I have our my words. So I try to fill them with hope, faith, and truth. I just wish others would at least be honest. 

      Harsh people

      I believe the world needs harsh, realistic people. They need to be the “bulldogs ” and “bears.” I am a “bear” or “bulldog” if need to be. However I need someone who is understanding. I need someone who will encourage and support me, and let me do the same to them.

      I was interested in this local guy, but once we really started texting I got to see his true colors. He believe I was using my health issues as an excuse. However he was not in my shoes to know what I have gone through and what I’m going through now. (Our views on helping family and being there for each other are very different.)

      My head doesn’t stop. I’m always thinking, worrying, planning about something. (I probably over think, but that is another blog.) I am either barely sleep (due to nightmares, anxiety or hormones) or I over sleep like up 18 hours a day. I have endometriosis hyperplasia  (long words for extreme female hormonal issues) anemia, board line diabetic, headaches, panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and pstd. 

      I’m on my second therapist. I have several specialist. I am trying to better my health, but I know it is a daily struggle. I’m trying to find more people in my life  as many of my friends have kids and are married. I don’t feel at many times I can relate. (Many have stop talking to me after my ex died.) I know I will find some support. 

      It was guys like this that makes me afraid to talk about my health problems. 

      I feel bad for this guy who sees this world so harshly. I hope he finds a kind-hearted, gentle, understanding woman, who makes him a better man just by being in his world. He needs some sunshine.