ZZZ’s

I do enjoy sleep when I have good dreams and the air is just right not too hot or too cold. The blanket is comfy and smells good. I wake up actually feeling refreshed.

This usually only happens maybe 1 time out every 50.

I usually wake up stiff, tired or exhausted (like I didn’t sleep at all). I’ve either hot, cold, in pain, with a headache. . . Or have to wake up due to my bladder or panic attack or choking with breathing problems.

Sometimes I can sleep for 12 hours and feel like I had not slept all. Sometimes I can run all day on four good hours of sleep, again, this is rare. My depression makes me want to sleep even more and not get out of bed.

I have sleep apnea where I do not get enough air in or out. I snore very loud, get dry mouth, grind my teeth, wake up with jaw pain, and headaches.

Apnea makes me wake up choking, my lips to be blue due to lack of oxygen, my head is foggy and it’s hard to focus, my eyes twitch, my eyes are heavy. I get migraines and my stomach don’t settle.

My animea makes me exhausted. I was so tired from the lack of blood cells that I have choked on my food several times.

Caffeine or lack of caffeine really screws me up. If I drink coffee or energy (no ginsing) at the wrong times and my day and night schedules are off.

My anxiety fills my head will ideas and I’m up with insomnia, but I am usually a zombie.

With all of these problems sleep is hard for me.

Do I care too much?

Tom and I were together off and on for 8 years. No kids, no marriage. We has three cats at one point. I’ve had depression, anxiety for several years now.

We broke up in september 2015, but I still cared for him. I loved him and wanted him to be happy. We just were not on the same level when we broke up. He was into someone, and he wasn’t supporting me with my fear of doctors. He also didnt know how to handle my constant crying in bed and my lack of motivation due to depressed.

January 2016 I was put on iron, vitamins, and paxil for my health and mental issues. However I was having side effects with my meds.

In August of 2016, he got a successful  liver transplant.
He went through a lot of painful physical therapy.

November 2016, I had a mental break down, I kept thinking of ways to take myself out. It was very unlike me. I felt alone and unloved. I started therapy.

In December of 2016, his mom called me at least a dozen times asking me to help take care of him. My therapist thoughts it would be good that I help him just as friends. (My father’s side of the family blocked, and told me off because I hurt my stepmother. Who was busy with her own adoptive baby, she told us just a week before it was born. I had zero time to adjust. I’m not a baby person.)

I spent my birthday taking care of him. He got a stomach infection, and then a blood issue and I spent Christmas and New Year’s I’m the hospital with him. My stepmother was leaving bitter and mean messages while i was in the waiting room while tom was in surgery.

Tom died in January 2017 of a cute and aggressive cancer that had spread due to the surgery.

I had an online guy who helped me through it. However he blocked in June, still not sure why. (I had talked to him 13 months and then all of his accounts blocked from me.)

I’ve tried dating since June, and I’ve had 6 no shows, three one time dates, and dozens of meaningless chats. At the end of October I talked to a guy and we dated, but then after two dates he just wants to be friends. What am I doing wrong?

P.S.  since I’ve stopped my paxil, so has my very bitter and dark though. Now I’m just a lonely, empty sadness that is swallowing me whole. 

Will friends help? A job? Different meds? I need to see the doctors. 

Being on best behavior

When first dating, I was always told you in need to bring your best foot forward and be on your best behavior. 

1. No burping on purpose. (Mouth closed and always say “Excuse me.”)
2. I have to hold my farts. (It really hurts to hold it back. It makes the stomach upset. I try to get to the bathroom to release gas, but the whole damn thing is embarrassing.)
3. No garlic or onion breath. (Always have gum or mints or candy )
4. Don’t eat out of plate in yesterdays clothes with mismatched socks. (You know you have done it or a variation . Lol)
5. Watch how much you cuss or yell at the tv with bad sports calls. (I was raised with brothers who enjoyed sports.
6. Be polite (9 times out 10, I am polite) 
7. No being moody or b*itchy (it is hard to hold back PMS if they are jerk.)
8. Watch my weirdness and creativity (It can scare off “normal” people.) 
9. Need to shave all of the right spots. (It feels nice, but is a lot of work.)
10. Dress up. (I know that guys want me to dress up, but it is not me. Unless you have a extremely nice place to take me, then there is no point in me dressing up.)

I am not sure if there is a guy worth all of this energy. I mean most of my best behavior isn’t really me. 

I am honest and can be a rough on the edges, but I am best damn loyal girlfriend you’ll ever have. 

Therapy: time and over thinking = worry

I’ve learned that when you make me wait, and I can’t sleep, then I think. That is a very bad idea.  Well, it’s great while I’m working on a book,  but not good when I am worried about what is going on in real life. 

It’s like the reason why a kid will check the bed or closet after watching a scary movie. It’s the same creative and yet over active and mentally dangerous imagination that gets sucked into regular thought and mixed with anxiety making careless worry. I am constantly worrying: over nothing and everything. 

I’m not sure how to stop it. Lately, my anxiety is extremely high over having too much time to think. My sleep schedule is completely off, so most of the time I’m too tired to write. (Even now I’m yawning.) Basic thoughts get twisted into unneeded and unwanted traumatic, dramatic nightmares that make me freak out over nothing that is really happening.  

For example, when someone stops talking to me for a few days. . . 

• I instantly think they are in accident stuck in the hospital or out with their girlfriend that they never told me about. 
• When the truth is they were working and doing errands. They gave some space because I was sick. (When I want to sleep give me 6 to 8 hours, not 48 to 72 hours.)

I’ve tried to release my worries, but I just want to find a way to calm my thoughts. Maybe a movie or color.  

Depression strikes again.

I’m exhausted. Sleep only happens in single cycles of 3 hours maybe more, here and there.

I’ve had nightmares, panic attacks and depression fighting me all weekend. 

Nightmares of being abandoned and lost and confused.  (My chest is getting tight just thinking of it.)

Past coming back to literally haunt me, but migraines beating me instead. Past on hold. 

Chest heavy, breathing hard, panic catching in my throat. 

Stomach turns, food comes from helping hands, but doesn’t help.  

That is my weekend. I did manage to get to write pieces here and there. There is a light. 

Waiting. Eh.

I’m stupid. 

I’m wasting time. 

I’m wasting life.

I’m waiting. 

I’m waiting on someone who has his own life. 

I’m  wasting my own time waiting on someone that if I am lucky may give me 20 minutes of his time. I am way worth more than 20 minutes. 

I need to stop waiting on someone who is too busy for me. 

I need to work on my own life.

I need to get myself and my computer fixed.

I need to focus on my writing. 

I need to love myself. 

I am so much better than this. 

Sigh! Only Words

Warning: Adult Rating

I still like him alot—at least the version of the guy in my head.

It started out as two writers working on a few online stories together. Then we talked and shared personal stuff. Next we know the “L” word get passed over some texts. A few phone calls and lots of pictures. . .

Stress and problems share. . . words of hope.

Then nightmares and depression has me struggling to believe anything and makes me feel alone. My fear haunted me. . . that he catfished (as I have been before), that he is married, that he is not who he says he is.)-0-

We never met and the dark cloud in my head believes we well never meet and keep telling me to move on.

365 days of feelings, arguments, stories, chats. . . I enjoyed it all, but I wanted and needed and still WANT and NEED more.

I want to cuddle, kiss, make out, dance, have sex with lots of foreplay, sleep together, spooning, get have him see me be bashful and blush.

I guess the Fates feel we are just not ready for each other (yet if at all.)

I am not the type to handle a long timed– long distanced relationship with someone with similar problems as mine. Sigh.

Confession 21: I’m An Adult who. . .

I am adult who doesn’t like babies or kids.

I’ve learned that I am not a baby person! Truth is I’m not even a kid person anymore. I’m afraid of hunting small babies. I freak out when someone wants me to hold them. I also cannot puke or spit up. I am horrified of dropping them and hurting their soft spot.  I was good with toddlers until they would run from me and split their head on the end table. (Happened to me twice)

I have health issues and due to my mental & emotional issues, I have zero patience for whinny, kids or crying babies!  In fact, I have anxiety & depression, do you really want that around your impressible young minds??

I used to be good with kids. I used to be able to get most kids to do whatever I wanted; with just my imagination and story time.  I could change a diaper with my eye closed. (I was tired enough that I may have.)
However my ex-stepmother pushed my younger brothers on me. (I love them, and I will go to hell and back for them, even now at 21 and 17.)  At 12, I was cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of brothers, and homework plus volleyball and basketball. I can’t remember when I slept.
Then in college I would take care of my 5 year old brother and my 1 year old brother between work and school. (Again I don’t remember seeping much!)
Then during church, I kept getting pushed into doing nursery duty for my ex-stepmother and then her friends’ shifts. I went to church once for three month and never saw a service.
I got burnt out of babies and kids! All of my 20’s I said I didn’t want kids. Then I tried to major in education in college to appease my dad. (He wanted me to have a stable job. I fell in love with music I move writing (opposite of stable right?)) That major last about two semesters before the college kept changing their classes and telling me the classes I took didn’t count. I have an Associates of Arts.

With my last ex (we were together 8 years) I had many times where my body thought it was pregnant. I even had believed I had a miscarriage, and I still have horrible nightmares over what I had passed in the bathroom. (I will keep you readers from the gross details.)

I had a doctor tell me I would be a high risk pregnancy because of my immune system and my hormonal imbalances. I am 90% sure I will never had a kid. And I am okay with that! I want fur-babies that meow and purr. If I had good money, I would have a cat sanctuary.

Between being burnt out and my health issues, now can others see where I do not want to be around babies and kids?

I like sleeping in. I like having ice cream for dinner or have dinner at 9pm. I like watching movies with adult scenes. I like to cuss, damn-it! I like sex with someone I am in a committed relationship with. I love uninterrupted time to write!

My problem is I currently live with family, and they just got a baby. (Sighs)