I am a dope.
This summer. . .
- I’ve had ten cancelled dates.
- Been blown off by dozens of cute guys (probably due to my weight)
- Been lied to by a catfish
- And been on dozens of dead end chats
- Been blocked three times
- Been ignored for politics
- Now I can say I’ve almost been scammed three times (I do not trust anyone who says itune cards.)
Aren’t there any cute, real, decent loyal guys left?
The more I talk to people, the more I like cats.
I love my blue eyes.
My glasses get in the way.
I need to stop thinking because the mixture of loneliness, desperation, and self doubt. . . I start to overthink and go against my first impression, and gut feeling.
My gut is 95% correct. It always been on the money with what I truly need.
However with my hormonal imbalance my heart and my head keeps twisting my thoughts. Then you add all this time I have in the mixture and my desperate thoughts are trying to sneak against my own boundaries. I put those there for a reason . . . Somethings make me uncomfortable.
My gut is telling me hold my ground.
But. . .
- My hormones want to have fun.
- My broken heart wants comfort.
- My soul is hallow.
- My head is lonely.
I just want a friend who gets me.
Things that make me happy
- Getting an a long e-mail
- Good Sex with lots of foreplay
- Hours of unbothered writing
- Writing 10,000 words in a day
- Finishing (reading) a good book
- A story with a good twist
- Not being able to predict something
- Going out
- Helping others
- Making others happy
- Cuddling with someone nice during a movie
- Kissing and making out
- Getting actual mail: letters and package
- Bubble bath
- Having energy
- A nice walk
- Lots of pillows and comfy bed
- Good night sleep
- Talking all night
- Going to the zoo
- Good Morning Greeting
- Spooning: I like the inner spoon
- A good tone male hairless chest
- A fit six pack ab
- Bright blue or blue-green eyes
- A nice smile
- Hair on the a guy’s head that I can run my hand through
- A night of card or board games with friends
1. A good cup of coffee
3. A Sweet text
4. Fried chicken
5. Soda-pop (pepsi)
6. New notebook
7. New colored pens
8. Clean clothes with tide
9. Clean sheets
10. First kiss
11. A good movie
12. A good book
13. Agood joke
15. Not having to put groceries back at the register
18. Writing a story
19. Finishing a writing project
21. Writing several blogs
22. A bubble bath
23. Going out
24. Ice cream
26. Dark Forest Cake
27. Time to write
29. Secretly dancing
30. Good night sleep
32. A good song
35. Body Spray
36. a long drive
Warning: Adult Rating
I still like him alot—at least the version of the guy in my head.
It started out as two writers working on a few online stories together. Then we talked and shared personal stuff. Next we know the “L” word get passed over some texts. A few phone calls and lots of pictures. . .
Stress and problems share. . . words of hope.
Then nightmares and depression has me struggling to believe anything and makes me feel alone. My fear haunted me. . . that he catfished (as I have been before), that he is married, that he is not who he says he is.)-0-
We never met and the dark cloud in my head believes we well never meet and keep telling me to move on.
365 days of feelings, arguments, stories, chats. . . I enjoyed it all, but I wanted and needed and still WANT and NEED more.
I want to cuddle, kiss, make out, dance, have sex with lots of foreplay, sleep together, spooning, get have him see me be bashful and blush.
I guess the Fates feel we are just not ready for each other (yet if at all.)
I am not the type to handle a long timed– long distanced relationship with someone with similar problems as mine. Sigh.
The version of people, places, dreams in my head are usually 75% or more way better than those in reality.
I do this with guys a lot; especially the pretty guys with hot eyes and nice chest. . . I always make them more sweet, caring and interested in me in my head than they are in reality.
In reality, they are busy with their own lives. I’m probably not on the first of their list.
In my head, they all head over heels for me. They make time for me and they want to please me and have me please them. (All of the naughty gossiping whispers are about how “good” I am.)
I really love the “naughty” and “nice” ideas in my head.
I need to stop fantasizing and face reality. . . just makes my depression worst. Grrrr. Movies and media do not help.
Reality makes my anxiety go nuts, because I think too much. I like the idea of a guy into me, but in reality the guy was just there for the moment. Or he was nothing like what he was in my head.
My unicorn would be the guy I see in my head and reality.
I should just stick my making my fictional characters worshiping. . . to them I am a goddess.