Distraction

It was weird my one of my distractions . . . actually relaxed me enough to put me to sleep last night. 

With in the 24 hour period, I have gone up 76 levels in candy crush soda saga (its different and more challenging than just the original candy crush.) 

I would have stopped but I kept getting free rewards and extra . . . I fell asleep with 8 free hours of the chocolate bombs, 7 hours of the sour candies that change colors, 9 hours of the fishes. I also had up 6 hours of unlimited play. Grrrrr. 

I need to use my energy to write blogs . . . for the year in review and new year resolutions. 

However last night (and the last three or four weeks) my stomach has been giving me problems. Once my medical gets fixed, I plan to see several doctors. The game and playing music was my only distraction from my stomach issues. So I guess it did it job. 

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What I Learned in 2017 

  1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
  2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
  3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
  4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
  5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
  6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
  7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
  8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
  9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
  10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 


    I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

    What I Learned in 2017 

    1.  Life is short. ( My ex boyfriend/fiance died at age 36 from cancer within the first two weeks of January. Life is short so make the most of it.)
    2. You can never have too many friends. (It seems like they are harder to make and keep as we get older?.)
    3. Do not settle ( it does not bring happiness.)
    4. Its OK to vent and let it go. Once you let it go stop, complaining. Complaining can turn toxic. (Just remember this as you complain, it can always be worst!)
    5. Its OK to cry. (It helps the release. If you need to make excuse to cry, a chick flick and ice cream helps.)
    6. There are still “good” people out there. (Sometimes you need to get a bad person to appreciate the good people in your life.)
    7. People need to stop lying. (I am honest and I wanted to save feelings, but lying to someone is not worth it. Stop catfishing while you’re at it people. There are 7.6 million people in this world, I’m sure you’ll eventually find someone who likes you foir if you stop lying and complaining.)
    8. Anxiety and depression meds can change your personality. It is not for the good. (The good news it is usually temporary and you can go back to normal when the pills work through your system. If this happens, communicate openly with your doctors and be specific.) 
    9. Money is nice but is does buy happiness and does not make me feel secure. (my security blog Writing make me happy. Being with positive people makes me happy. Cooking and baking makes me happy.)
    10. I need to stop comparing my past to my future. (New and different adventures are awaiting for me.) 


      I hope 2018 is way better than 2017. I did learn a lot. 

      Stray Cats

      We have four stray cats. . . this is driving me crazy. I can hear them crying but our landlord doesn’t want us to feed them .. .its mean.

      Its six degrees. I know other people have fed them but they are at our front door. 

      I just want to bring them in and cuddle with them. But I cannot the two dollars a month plus food and litter.

      My grandma put the love of animals in me, especially cats. She would take in all strays.. . puppies, kitties, people. 

      If I ever got a house, I would love to have a kitty santurary.   

      5 Minute Rant

      I’m taking 5 minutes out of my time. . .    to rant. I am living in a location with extremely poor WiFi. (I cannot afford to pay for my own WiFi, so we have to deal with what we get.) 

      However it only works in the window when the landlords are not using  it. . . (porn, extreme gaming, and Netflix all take a lot of WiFi, and the modem needs to be reset daily. It rarely ever happens.) 

      I closed the window because it is 15 degrees for the high today and all I want to is to play my damn candy crush soda saga and it keep telling me to connect to Facebook. I do not want to connect it to anything, I just want to play my damn game, grrrr. 

      Can’t I just play my damn game? I don’t need WiFi for everything. Grrr screw it I’m going to color. 

      Levels of Depression

      Level One

      • Just feeling blah/blue, but can be shaken off
      • Just general sad feeling
      • Feeling sluggish
      • Mood swings, but mild: they can be talked out
      • Can still get up and function


      Level Two

      • Mood swings can go from content to blah 
      • Easily bored
      • Things take a bit more energy
      • Want to cry
      • Telling jokes may help

      Level three 

      • Things can take longer to do
      • May talk slower
      • Harder to make a decision 
      • May nap more
      • Have to push yourself to get motivated
      • Going for a walk may help

      Level four

      • Restless and exercise may not help
      • May snap or bitch for no reason
      • Doesn’t want to go out
      • Venting may not help or feels stuck and can’t vent
      • Shopping may help (temporarily)
      • Activities like sex just feel like a chore (they to require more energy than normal.)

      Note: Usually after Level Four these don‘t work or they take more work to achieve. 

      • Talking out feeling, but feelings linger
      • Some dark feelings pop up, but disappear
      • Sometimes chocolate or caffeine helps
      • Sometimes walking or exercise can help
      • Talking out out feelings
      • Talking a shower or bath with favorite soap

      Level five

      • Doesn’t brush teeth 
      • May have headache (lacking caffeine or food)
      • Eats little
      • No pleasure in fun activities
      • Emotions feel as if the run together
      • Chores feel like torture
      • TV is meh. 
      • Start to wonder why you exist/purpose. 
      • Dark thoughts start (life vs death)
      • Sluggish with caffeine like it doesn’t work
      • Can not see the positivity in things

      Level six

      • Doesn’t brush hair
      • Think of darkness and death
      • Does not want to think
      • Does not to do anything
      • everything seems to mix together and looks ugly

      Level seven

      • Feel hopeless
      • Doesn’t shower for days
      • Doesn’t want to eat 
      • Doesn’t want to to get out bed
      • Thoughts of taking out yourself or humanity
      • Lazy
      • Bitter
      • Angry
      • Sad
      • Hopeless
      • Sleeping for long periods of time
      • Everything feels meaningless
      • Everything feels impossible

      By levels six and seven you may need others to help you. 

      I been on all levels. I try to stop myself by level four.

      Anything can cause depression and you can start at any level depending on the trigger. 

      Not everything happens for everyone. If you get to level five or higher get help. 7 Cups is a therapy website that really helps me. 

      Security

      I’ve been thinking about what security is for me. Many say money is security, but 90% of jobs are not secure any more, so how can money be security. . . unless you own more than one business, have good stocks, or is a CEO of a major corporation. Most of these bosses will cut a guy working there ten year to hire two guys to do the same job for just a few dollars less. So money is not security. 

      Money is nice, but I really would not know what to do with lots of money. . . I know if I won the lottery, I was told in a dream. . .. That 2/3rds of the money must go to someone or thing else. So I would give to charities and places and people that have helped me in my past. It would also go to people who need that extra boost.  I like helping people. 

      However too much money would worry me as I afraid someone would break in and hurt the ones I care about or myself just to get some money that they will blow on alcohol and drugs to hide from their conscience that they did wrong. When they run out of their crutches, they will hurt someone else for more money. Too much money, even with a security system and trained pets, is not security for me

      I know extra money is nice to travel, dine out, shop, go to parties or enjoy more things. Then it also scares me that people show up when you have money that would have never been there if you were broke. How do you know your friendship or relationship are build on trust or the false security and wrong love of money?

      Security to me is when I have my hand in my special guy and I feel I can take on the world. I feel safe and truly loved ( not the love over what you have, but who you are). This has happened only once ( Tom). I hope to have the feeling again. I just hope the man I feel safe and secure with also loves and truly, loyally adores me.