I’m Attracted To. . .

Im attracted to.  . .

  • Positivity
  • Hope
  • Intelligence 
  • Creativity
  • Man who can clean, but does not complain about
  • A man to cook with
  • Cuddlers
  • Like PDA
  • A cat lover
  • Loves coffee
  • Artist
  • Sports lover
  • Writers
  • Readers
  • Understanding and patient of my health issues
  • Supportive
  • Semi romantic 
  • Likes shopping
  • Anyone who can truly make me laugh
  • Someone who tries to get me (I’m complicated, but at least they try.)
  • Ambition 
  • Fit
  • Spiritual (At least in a street kindness meaning doing good for others.)

Things That Make Me Happy

Things that make me happy

  1. Getting an a long e-mail
  2. Baking
  3. Cooking
  4. Good Sex with lots of foreplay
  5. Hours of unbothered writing
  6. Writing 10,000 words in a day
  7. Finishing (reading) a good book
  8. A story with a good twist
  9. Not being able to predict something
  10. Soda-pop
  11. Going out
  12. Helping others
  13. Making others happy
  14. Cats
  15. Cuddling with someone nice during a movie
  16. Kissing and making out
  17. Getting actual mail: letters and package
  18. Bubble bath
  19. Having energy
  20. A nice walk
  21. Lots of pillows and comfy bed
  22. Good night sleep
  23. Talking all night
  24. Going to the zoo
  25. Sailing
  26. Swimming
  27. Good Morning Greeting
  28. Spooning: I like the inner spoon
  29. Flirting
  30. A good tone male hairless chest
  31. A fit six pack ab
  32. Bright blue or blue-green eyes
  33. A nice smile
  34. Hair on the a guy’s head that I can run my hand through
  35. A night of card or board games with friends

The Small Things

 

1. A good cup of coffee
2. Candy
3. A Sweet text
4. Fried chicken
5. Soda-pop (pepsi)
6. New notebook
7. New colored pens
8. Clean clothes with tide
9. Clean sheets
10. First kiss
11. A good movie
12. A good book
13. Agood joke
14. Laughing
15. Not having to put groceries back at the register
16. Lilacs
17. Carnations
18. Writing a story
19. Finishing a writing project
20. Massage
21. Writing several blogs
22. A bubble bath
23. Going out
24. Ice cream
25. Cheesecake
26. Dark Forest Cake
27. Time to write
28. Music
29. Secretly dancing
30. Good night sleep
31. Energy
32. A good song
33. Friends
34. Family
35. Body Spray
36. a long drive
37. Coloring
38. drawing
39. Painting
40. Pie

Sigh! Only Words

Warning: Adult Rating

I still like him alot—at least the version of the guy in my head.

It started out as two writers working on a few online stories together. Then we talked and shared personal stuff. Next we know the “L” word get passed over some texts. A few phone calls and lots of pictures. . .

Stress and problems share. . . words of hope.

Then nightmares and depression has me struggling to believe anything and makes me feel alone. My fear haunted me. . . that he catfished (as I have been before), that he is married, that he is not who he says he is.)-0-

We never met and the dark cloud in my head believes we well never meet and keep telling me to move on.

365 days of feelings, arguments, stories, chats. . . I enjoyed it all, but I wanted and needed and still WANT and NEED more.

I want to cuddle, kiss, make out, dance, have sex with lots of foreplay, sleep together, spooning, get have him see me be bashful and blush.

I guess the Fates feel we are just not ready for each other (yet if at all.)

I am not the type to handle a long timed– long distanced relationship with someone with similar problems as mine. Sigh.

When?

It’s interesting I saw the movie “Defiantly, Maybe” today.

The character April explained something which makes sense to me, right now at this moment.
“It’s NOT who . . . it’s when.”

It’s like watching how peguins go for years looking for their mate, and they wait for that moment. (That was in the movie as well.)

I feel I need to wait for when. . . maybe I have to learn something . . . maybe I simply have to wait until just the right time. However I am very impatient. . . I like this guy 1300 miles away, and we both have similar problems. I just wish we can both get over those damn ostabacles.

I have some health issues. . . aminea, sleep apnea, and diabetes. (Not to mention don’t work well with my hormone issues, depression, and anxiety.) These problems keep me from having a normal sleep schedule and make it almost impossible to get even a part time job.

Who knows maybe next year we will be together. . . I just have a hard at this point in my life seeing to the end of the week, or even just the end of the day.

However afterwards, I usually understand that I am right place at the right time to learn the lessons I need to.

I’m trying to find what my purpose it at this part in my life. I think it’s not about one purpose in life, but different purposes in life. As simple as cooking for family, to as complicated as working three jobs, and then writing a story and having cat naps in between.tumblr_nkacas3g2n1rg09p7o1_500

Last 6 Months. . .

“Oh be aware the of Idles of March. . . (two days.)” <– I laugh at you.

 

The last six months have been crazy. . .

I know the weak would have not survived . . . .or at least locked themselves away for a lot less. . .

I have at least a dozen people that I have been there in my head that have kept me going in their own way. (Whether they were happy, worried or mad at me.)

I am very thankful for whatever they did. . . made me laugh, took me to a doctor, texted me, or just gave me a hug. . . even the smallest thing meant something to me.

I have no idea how I am going to return my appreciation to these people. . . they know who they are.

th

Okay. . . now to get to the drama. . .

It started in October-November when I just got overwhelmed. I got pushed with a baby, (not mine). . . it is an anxiety for me: I’m afraid of dropping an infant. I can handle a toddler a small for amount of time, until it starts crying and screaming, and then I want to go in a corner and cover my ears. It has to do with the fact that I was burnt out with kids at very early age. . . they pushed nursery, day care, early childhood education. . . I went to school to deal with kids, I came home to deal with kids, and I even dealt with kids at church. I had almost forgot what being an adult was like.

In November, I had nervous break down. I was told to find a therapist or lock myself away. I found a therapist and diagnosed with depression and anxiety. (The worst part is that my brain will not stop. . . I am constantly thinking about something. . . worrying, hoping, fearing etc. I feel trapped and suck in my own thoughts. I just want it stop for a while. )

I also felt I was being pushed away for Thanksgiving. . . I felt because I had my fit. . . like they watched what they did and said with me.

In December, I pissed off my father’s side of the family which is not what I meant to do, but I felt I NEEDED to help Tom. He had been through hell and back. . . I knew his last girlfriend wasn’t supportive, which was what I wanted out of Karma. (So be careful what you ask of Karma. . . it just might happen that way. It was not what I wanted. . . or at least didn’t feel as satisfying as I wanted it to be.)

However I was NOT looking to get back with Tom; in reality I just knew he needed help. To be honest, my heart was shattered and he had the hammer, so to speak. I called him dear out of habit; we had been together 8 years, and I am still working things out.

I would have communicated with my family if they didn’t make me feel like I just dealt with an AIDs victim and I was going to affect them. (I’m sorry I pissed them off, but they taught me if someone was in need to help them. I was supposed to help others. I had just wanted them to be proud at the fact that I was helping someone who needed it. . . I felt I was being the bigger person.)

I did a really good job. . . it wasn’t easy. I had to deal with cranky relatives, frustrated nurses, teams of doctors, and aides: everyone who wanted to do different things; I had to think to what was best for Tom. His medicine schedule was crazy: 6am, 9am, 1pm, 3pm, 6pm and 9pm . . . my birthday I was alone, Christmas and New Years I stayed in a hospital . . . that is the loneliness, most depressing place one could be during the holidays.

I felt horrible, because Tom asked me if he was going to get out of the hospital. . . I didn’t know what to really say . . . .so I told him to focus on one day at a time and use the main goal was get back home. I would have done more if I knew it would have never happened.

(What made me feel horrible was the bitter and threatening texts from people while I was nervously waiting during Tom’s unexpected surgery.)

In January, Tom was diagnosed with cancer that they believe started in the liver and had spread within days. He was off the vents, he was joking with his mother and I. . . then just two days later . . . he was just gone. Dealing with death has always been a roller-coaster for me. . . sometimes I am calm, cool while everyone else is sobbing, and then out of the blue I will hear a song or eat something and start crying because I think of him. (all I have to say is that eight years is a long time. He had just less than one-fourth of my life so far.)

January to now I have good friends who have supported me whether it be under their roof, or told a joke, or a hug. . . so I feel like I owe them so much. They have been there even with my depression and my anxiety. Now I feel like I am getting pass around. . . I have lost a piece of myself with Tom’s death. I also feel like an adventure, but my depression, anxiety, and worry still haunt my thoughts. . . (please calm down and let me sleep.)

happiness-is

What I want for 2017

Personal Goals for 2017

  1. I want to walk more. (At least three walks a week or several rounds on the stairs.)
  2. I want to lose weight. (80 pounds. . . ultimate goal.)
  3. I want to be more active.
  4. I want to stretch more. (No charlie horses.)
  5. I want to learn some basic yoga and be more physically flexible.
  6. I want my tight clothes to be looser.
  7. I want to lower my diabetes numbers.
  8. I want to try more recipes.
  9. I want to control my binge eating. I want to eat smaller sizes.
  10. I want to eat better.
  11. I want to get into the habit of three meals a day.
  12. I want to paint more.
  13. I want to read more.
  14. I want to save a little money.
  15. I want to meet my “wolfie.” He knows who he is.
  16. I want to deal, maybe even cure my anxiety and depression.
  17. I want to mediate more and be able to always access my happy place.
  18. I want to finish some of the projects I have started.
  19. I want to start some new projects.
  20. I want to help my ex get stronger and heal.

Things that Happened in 2016

2016 was a very challenging year. I felt really stuck and trapped this year, so I really didn’t feel I accomplished that much. I mean I didn’t even finish a book: writing or reading. However I have learned a lot about myself.

My writing accomplishments link here. . . https://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com/2016/12/30/what-happened-in-2016/

Things I accomplished in 2016

  1. I am working more on a day schedule. Eh, I know, but maybe I can figure out where to get more writing and editing in.
  2. I have gone to the doctor myself.
  3. I have gone to therapy by myself.
  4. I feel I have more energy.

Things I have learned in 2016

  1. I loved flavored coffee. (Mocha, coconut, caramel vanilla, and Chocolate raspberry are my favorite.)
  2. My cat will look all over the house when I am gone.
  3. I miss my cat very much.
  4. Therapy really works as long as you are open and honest with the therapist and yourself.
  5. I like cats sometimes better than people.
  6. I would be a good vet assistant or care-giver.
  7. I have less anxiety when I am busy.
  8. I live and deal better when I am on my own.
  9. I can do chores better when I am by myself (at my own time and doing it my own way.)
  10. I’m sorry, but I am not a baby or kid person. (I rather have a fur-baby that purrs.)
  11. I have learned I hate to be controlled or told what to do. I do NOT deal with authority well.
  12. Distance is just a number when love is involved. (still makes me sad my “wolfie” is not here.)
  13. I secretly like to fold towels and peel potatoes.
  14. I do not like being treated like a 15 year old who needs a babysitter.
  15. Not driving really limits me. (But I am terrified of getting in an accident again.)

New Facebook Survey

Do you:
Have a crush: Yes
Have a bestfriend: A few really good friends
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes
What’s your boyfriend/girlfriend name: River
Want a boyfriend/girlfriend: I have one
Want a new bestfriend: I like to have some more friends

Do you prefer:
Cats or dogs: Cats
Purple or blue: Purple
Choc or vanilla: Chocolate
Books or movies: Both
Being asleep or awake: I wish I didn’t have to sleep

Have you:
Snuck out: No
Been Suspended: no
Felt lonely: yes
Cried your self to sleep: yes
Gone to sleep with your clothes on: yes
Littered: I try not to

Whats your:
Fav TV shows: Big Bang or Chopped
Fav book: Currently Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles
Fav subjects: Music, and English
Fav food: Currently sushi, pizza, soups, and lasagna

Would you:
Cheat: No. I am extremely loyal to a fault
Kill an animal: I prefer to go to the store for my meat. I don’t think I could kill an animal other than a spider.
Sneak out: a moment to myself.
Break into a shop: No

Are you:
Scared to lose someone: yes
Scared of the clowns: do not like them (thank you Stephen King)
Scared of dying: Not much anymore
Scared of heights: yes
Scared of Spiders: I do not like them

Do you think:
People talk about you behind your back: Yes
Someone loves you (not including family): Yes
Someone hates you: I have my enemies
Someone secretly wants to date you: Maybe