My brain will not stop 

I can rant and go on and on, but my brain still will not stop. This has caused me insomnia and . .. 

 I’ve tried. . . .

  1. breathing exercises, in 1-2-3 and out 1-2-3
  2. Turning off the TV
  3. Mediating 
  4. Music
  5. Cutting down on my caffeine after 4

I’m still up 5 out 7 nights a week with my everlasting thoughts. 

Average thoughts

  1. Health issues, when will I get fixed
  2. Why do my hormones keep making me a b*tch?
  3. Food issues is there ever enough
  4. Why do I feel so useless? I do help with errands, and cooking
  5. Writing scheduling
  6. Errand scheduling
  7. Sleep issues and why I cannot sleep when I supposed to. 
  8. Depression
  9. Guys vs what I want 
  10. Hope’s and dreams vs depression

This what my head is like . . . 

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My Favorite Celebrities

My Current Favorite Male Celebrities

 

  1. Jamie Dornan                                                             (Actor/Model)
  2. Marcel Vigneron                (TV Chef)
  3. James O’Halloran                (price is right model)
  4. Gabriel Mann                (director, actor)
  5. Jonathan Brandis (director, actor, writer, RIP)
  6. Taylor Hanson (Musician, actor)
  7. Zak Bagans (Ghost Adventures host)
  8. Robin Williams (Actor, comedian, RIP)
  9. Nicolas Cage (Actor, producer)
  10. Kevin Love (Basketball player)

 

Honorable Mentions

  1. Jensen Ackles (Actor, director, musician)
  2. Jared Palacki (Actor)
  3. Ryan Gosling (Actor, musician)
  4. Neil Patrick Harris (Actor, musician)
  5. Paul Walker (Actor, RIP)
  6. Health Ledger (Actor, RIP)
  7. Jeese Spencer (actor)
  8. Nev Schulman (Catfish host)
  9. Wayne Brandy (Host, actor, musician)
  10. The Rock (WWE wrestler, actor)
  11. Michael Simon (host,   American Iron chef)
  12. Hugh Laurie (Actor, musician)
  13. Jack Black (Actor, musician)
  14. Stephen King (Author, actor)
  15. Tom Hanks (producer, actor)

Just because they are not on this list, there are a many male celebrities I would star struck with if I met them.

 

My Current favorite Female celebrities.

 

I am more drawn to men, so that is why this list is shorter. Hollywood makes women seek so picky, b*tchy and fake to me. The ones that make the list seem very real to me.

  1. Kat Dennings (Actress)
  2. Alex Guarnaschelli (Host, American Iron Chef)
  3. Anne Rice (Author)
  4. Kate Winslet (Actress)
  5. Rachel Ray (Host, chef)
  6. L. James (Author)
  7. Emma Stone (Actress, Musician)
  8. Kari Byron (Sciencist, Co Host Myth Busters)
  9. Katy Perry (Musicians)
  10. Emily VanCamp (Actress)

 

Honorable mentions

  1. Cat Cora (American Iron Chef)
  2. Kirsten Dunst (Model/Actress)
  3. Taylor Swift (Musician)
  4. Carla (Host, chef)
  5. Shannon Woodard (Actress)
  6. Angelina Jolie (Actress, producer)

Therapy: time and over thinking = worry

I’ve learned that when you make me wait, and I can’t sleep, then I think. That is a very bad idea.  Well, it’s great while I’m working on a book,  but not good when I am worried about what is going on in real life. 

It’s like the reason why a kid will check the bed or closet after watching a scary movie. It’s the same creative and yet over active and mentally dangerous imagination that gets sucked into regular thought and mixed with anxiety making careless worry. I am constantly worrying: over nothing and everything

I’m not sure how to stop it. Lately, my anxiety is extremely high over having too much time to think. My sleep schedule is completely off, so most of the time I’m too tired to write. (Even now I’m yawning.) Basic thoughts get twisted into unneeded and unwanted traumatic, dramatic nightmares that make me freak out over nothing that is really happening.  

For example, when someone stops talking to me for a few days. . . 

  • I instantly think they are in accident stuck in the hospital or out with their girlfriend that they never told me about. 
  • When the truth is they were working and doing errands. They gave some space because I was sick. (When I want to sleep give me 6 to 8 hours, not 48 to 72 hours.)

I’ve tried to release my worries, but I just want to find a way to calm my thoughts. Maybe a movie or color.  

Deal Breakers

Deal breakers

  • Cat Haters 
  • Smokers
  • Kids
  • Extreme pain
  • Abusive tempers
  • And biggest one liars 

 

I cannot handle liars and the Internet is full of them. 

Doms pretending to be a sub so they wrestle another dom for a power struggle. . . It’s like a secret turn on to them. 

Catfishing pretending to be someone else. . . Fake pics, fake facts, why are you doing this?

Saying you’re single when you have a girlfriend or wife and kids.  (I’M seeking a submissive boyfriend, I want your entire attention. I will not be second rate or just a play toy.)

 

If you are any of those, please leave me alone

 

What I want. . . In texting. . .

I want my submissive boyfriend cuddly, obedient, and semi-clingy. 
I want to hear from them several times throughout the day.
I’m not a morning person BUT I love morning messages. . .
Like. . .
“I woke up this morning and thought of you. . .”
“I had a wild dream of you. ”
“Wish you were talking a shower with me ”

OR day time messages. . .
“Just got out of work. . . Thing of you.”
“Wish you were here”
“Hugs and/or kisses”

I sleep better with night messages
“Wish you were here to cuddle with me”
“Wanted to wish you a good night”
“Miss you honey”

It’s obedience to keep constant with the texting, but I want them to mean it. (I’m not into guys  who don’t communicate.)

I want a guy who thinks of me and excited to be with me. I know that guys can be interested in more that just naughty things because I’ve had a few who were interested in me for me. Time and distance pulled us apart. Sigh.

The dating game

I’m starting to think my dating life is like rounds of Mahjongg. You don’t know if when start the game if you are going to win, lose, have one, two or three stars. 

Sometimes the pairs are easy, like problems or events with the latest boyfriend. However there are harder pieces to find like the big fights that change how you see everything. 

What irks me is when the exact pieces are under each other and it’s like problems that cannot be fixed. Grrrrrr. 

Sometime you need to step away, scatter the pieces, if you are that lucky, or walk away for good from the mess. However what counts that you had a good time while you played. 

There is this new guy. . .

Don’t you just love hearing. . . There is new guy?

I finally met a guy online who I connect with, didn’t cancel the date with some lame excuse, and he was very cute. 

However this has made my anxiety go to extremes. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing.  

It has taken me so many empty conversations and bad pictures with guys and girls to get here. It makes it even more valuable.

He is intelligent, creative, and wants a challenge. 

My damn anxiety keeps me questioning me . . . 

  • Am I up to his expectations? 
  • Am I at his level?  
  • Is he interested me or just lonely ? 
  • Does he just want fun?
  • Is he for real?
  • Am I really good enough for HIM?
  • Am I dominant enough for HIM?

I need to just enjoy the time we have together, but these thoughts hang on the back of my head.

But there is this new guy. . .(excited and nervous)

Baggage

I used to watch the game show called Baggage. Jerry Springer was the host. There was the main person, male or female which had a piece of extreme baggage. Then they get to see three or four of the wanted type of partner with their small, medium, and large baggage. 

It made me think what is my baggage. 

Small baggage: I’m very close to my family. I moved back in with them. (My ex didn’t want me to work, so when he passed away, I had nothing. I try to help support my family and they help and support me.)

Medium baggage: I am seeking someone to inspire me and support my writing career. 

Large baggage: I have health issues which encourages me to entrance more of a dominant life style. I am a dominant yet sensual mistress who loves control. I love chastity and other fetishes. I want a submissive boyfriend who wants me for who I am and supports me. 
Surprising baggage: I do not want kids, and I will not date those with kids. I rather have 2 to 3 cats. I helped raise my brothers and was forced into an education major, this burnt me out. I want adult fun, writing my book, like running around the house naked or have dinner parties or traveling more.