I felt good all week but now. . .
It feels just another day.
I felt like my mind hyped it all for nothing.
I don’t feel any older or wiser.
Many of my online friends wished me a happy birthday early.
I’m getting a cake tomorrow.
My hair is funky and colorful.
I’ve done a lot within the year, but I still feel blah.
I hope Christmas goes better.
I get compliment and thanked for different things. I try to put others before myself. I have a few skills. . . . Music, writing, cooking etc.
These are my greatest compliments I was given. . .
1. You are a gifted and/or awesome writer. You have so much talent and tell a twisted, creative story. Keep writing. Please don’t stop writing. (I try to write as much as I can. I try my best to ignore the others who say I write too much.)
2. Thank you for being an open and/Or honest person. (I believe in honesty, no point in lying. It will catch up with you and cause a mess.)
3. You are an awesome cook. I love (fill in the dish, I make a lot.) I love
4. I look forward to your future blogs, stories, messages or e-mail etc. (This one is my top 5 because it means the person wants to see or read more of me.)
5. Thank you for replying back. (Its simple, but to me it’s just matters. If you took the time to read my profile and message at least I can do is thank you for your time, even if I’m not interested. It helps for closure and for the other to move on. I hate to be hanging, waiting for a reply that would never happen, it’s rude.)
Honorable mention
You sing so well. I love your voice. (I enjoy singing and I’ve had 14 years of vocal training and won many awards. I had ear isdyes some just sing karaoke and myself now.)
Day 29: What do you think of your teeth and your smile? Do you like them and if so, why? If not, how can you view them more positively?
I used to love my teeth. When I was young I had them capped due to issues I had when I slept, but the caps started to chip a few years back. I need to get them done again, but my dentist is pushing every procedure but it.Sigh.
I used to sing and I used to have a big toothy smile, but now not so much.
My face is the first thing people usually noticed about me and yes i do have teeth problems, but majority are in the back of my mouth. I’m very apprehensive about the whole thing. I hate pain, and many times my teeth hurt
Day 30 Validation is important to our self-esteem. Do others encourage you? If not, what are some ways that you can ask them to so your self-esteem.
My family does help and those who read my writing and blog. . That comment really help my self esteem. It feels like a confirmation that I’m meant to be writing. (Esspecially when I have those who thinks it’s unstable and I’m wasting time writing too much.)
I give myself goals and rewards for myself.
Day 31. Rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1-10?
It was -5 on my lowest day, but currently I’m at 7.
Has your self-esteem improved?
I have learned about myself. I’ve also learned that I am valuable. My sleep issues make my depression and anxiety feel bigger than they are.
Day 2 of October Postive Challenge
https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/
5 Things That make me smile or happy
1. Writing for hours straight
2. Compliments about my writing
3. Getting paid for my writing, (see a pattern here)
4. Cooking or baking awesome food
5. Having and playing with cats
I’m taking part in 31 day self challenge. . . From http://www.7cups.com
That I posted here. . . https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/10/01/im-trying-to-better-myself-2/
Day 1: Self Esteem Challenge – List 10 things that you love about yourself. (Physical or personality)
1. My writing http://rebekahquinne.wordpress.com
2. My musical ability
3. Giving nature
4. Strength
5. Control
6. Endurance
7. My hope
8. Sense of humor
9. My hair
10. My eyes
I go to a therapy site that has helped quite a bit http://www.7cups.com
I will admit if I could afford in would try a few of the therapist there and maybe a few new paths.
I’m on the free account and forums really help, the path and the listeners sometime help. However I usually get good feedback and encouragement on the forums.
On one of forums they have a monthly challenge for positivity and building yourself up.
I’m going to post my answers on their and here. I’m going to try daily.
“The challenge is over 31 days, each day presenting a new task, encouraging us to value ourselves and recognize our skills and qualities. The tasks include:”
Day 1, October 1: List 10 things that you love about yourself. (Physical or personality)
Day 2: List 5 things that make you smile or happy.
Day 3: What is one fear or goal that you would like to conquer?
Day 4: What do you do to feel better when you’re having a bad day?
Day 5: What’s your proudest accomplishment?
Day 6: What are some obstacles that are preventing you from accomplishing your goals? What will you do to overcome them?
Day 7: Do you think you care too much about what others think? If so how can you change that?
Day 8: What is a food you enjoy that makes you feel good?
Day 9: Do you have genuine respect for yourself and who you are as an individual? And if not, how can you change that?
Day 10: Are you happy with your “inner person”? If so, why or why not?
Day 11: Is your self-talk negative or positive? If it is negative, what are some more positive ways to talk to yourself?
Day 12: What’s the last thing you did that made you feel proud of yourself? Why did it make you feel this way?
Day 13: Share about the last time you felt confident in yourself. Why did you feel that confident?
Day 14: Is there someone in your life who makes you feel good about yourself? If so, who and why?
Day 15: Do you like your personal appearance? If so, why? If not, what are some ways you could view yourself differently?
Day 16: Do you have makeup, clothing or an accessory that makes you feel positive about yourself? If so what is it, and how does it make you feel positive?
Day 17: What do you do to feel calmer when you’re stressed?
Day 18: Do you like the way you talk? If so, why? If not, how can you view it more positively?
Day 19: Do you have an activity that makes you feel alive and good within yourself?
Day 20: Has your self-esteem improved with doing this challenge so far during the month? If so, how? If not, why not?
Day 21: Name at least 5 things that you are good at.
Day 22: Which of your skills or abilities to you pride yourself on?
Day 23: What is your ideal outcome of this challenge?
Day 24: Do you compare yourself to others? How can you be more focused on yourself?
Day 25: If you met a person that was just like you, would you like them? If so, why? If not, how could you view the person more positively?
Day 26: When was the last time you were too hard on yourself? What do you think you could have done to treat and comfort yourself instead?
Day 27: What is the main barrier to you having positive self-esteem? How can you break free from it?
Day 28: What do you consider to be healthy self-esteem? Does this match the dictionary definition of healthy self-esteem?
Day 29: What do you think of your teeth and your smile? Do you like them and if so, why? If not, how can you view them more positively?
Day 30: Validation is important to our self-esteem. Do others encourage you? If not, what are some ways that you can ask them to so your self-esteem is improved?
Day 31: Rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1-10? Has your self-esteem improved?
Note: All of the credit goes to http://www.7cups.com
I final my spirituality in many things. . .especially art, music, and outdoors. (The are elements I do not like about outdoors like the bees and insects.) However I love to walk in the fall with my mp3 player and just focus on what God/Godess has created. (I get more into the God/Goddess issues on my spiritual blog http://spiritualbeck.wordpress.com/ )
I have many playlists and I have a worship playlist. . . In which I get caught up comtempary Christian, and other motivating and touching songs. I love when I have my headset on and I’m just into the music completely undisturbed. (It has helped my anxious and blue moods at times.)
I spiritual in most thing such as art. I love abstract art.
I love food and it can be a satisfying and spiritual experience.
Again I post my spiritual moments, beliefs, and such in my spiritual blog.
Growing up, my sibling and I were raised that our pets, were not just animals but they were a part of the family. They were family members. We always had at least a cat or dog. . . Sometimes we have rabbits or hamsters too. However most cats and dome dogs were furry babies, I can depend on to talk ur snuggle. The animals do listen and communicate back.
I was snuggling with a cat at age of 6 months, my parents have pictures if me in my baby photo album cuddling with my first cat, Spooky, she was a black Siamese. She got wild: she would hiss and scratch, and they took her to a farm. (My grandpa actually did, the same farm, he got his watermelons, he sold at his fruit stand.)
My first dog was a corgi named hopeless. She died when she got hit by a car . . . I was 7, my parents took it hard.
Mama was my second cat a miniature torishell, she had Orange, an orange tiger, who can open doors. She also had Joey (a grey tiger) and Roshell (torishell) who cuddled with each other.
Our second dog was a Keeshond, Bear, a grey fuzzy winter dog, hair everywhere. . . Who knocked down the Christmas tree the first day home as a puppy. It was sad to see him go. We had him 15 years, easy.
My dad go more corgis, were had four in the last ten years. One of the claimed my youngest brother. Ten years later, he had to put her down. It was hard, but it made him tough.
I had one of my favorite Mona a miniature caico, who loved my brother’s cat Dirty Dog, an orange tiger. (My brother has claimed all orange cats.) He was originally Sir Doughnut after eating an entire doughnut bigger than he was after eating weed when he was a kitten. Dirty would talk to me and would argue with Mona. my mom would feed Dirty, but he would burping my brother’s face.
I loved the other cats I had Sybelle who thought she was better than all, and Armand who was brother to Mona. Armand ran away.
I had MoMo for almost a year, but she by herself had anxiety whenever I would leave to do errands. So I sent her to a family that had other cats, because she needed to know that she was not alone.
My current cat that I miss is elmo. I helped heal him with an eye infection.
I am currently in a living situation in which I cannot have a cat. They help my anxiety, and I can cuddle with them.
We have a stray, I also call Mama. We got someone to take her kittens, but they said she was too wild, but I’m not supposed to feed her. It kills me.
I don’t want kids. https://beckyms1213blog.wordpress.com/2018/09/11/anti-kid-zone/
However I do want a few fur babies. I hope to find a guy who love cats and some dogs like I do. Someone who will help take care of them and let them sleep with us in bed.
I hope to get out of my live-in situation soon, so I can have my cats again.
They help me with my anxiety and depression. They are not just my fur babies, but my friends. They are the third thing that makes me happy. . . (1. Writing, 2. Good food, 3. Cats)
I posted a simple version of this on my therapy site 7 cups.
I’ve been to 2 therapists, one kept pushing a job, but I have energy issues.the second one kept saying most are my issues are hormonal.
My main thoughts in no particular order. . .
1. Are the different pieces of my family ok? My mom has her health issues. My dad side of he family still not talking to me. . . But I still think of them. My closest brother has health issues (but sometimes, I think he does better than me.). My one brother just got married and other just graduated with many options ahead for him. I have a very young sister, so young she could easily be my own daughter and yet, I haven’t gotten to bond with her. I rather play with the toddler than the infant. I have a sister-in-law who I wish I so could chat with more, but it all just turns into he-said, he-said drama.
2. When can we have our own space (My family and I?) (My mom, brother and uncle live in a very tight space, and it’s very crowded and not as fun as like the show “My Name is Earl.) I would just like my own desk, working computer, WiFi, and recliner to sleep in.
3. I can’t work, and a few doctors will write notes, but government facilities will not count it. (Stupid president killed that.) I can’t work, I can’t sleep right: I go to bed tired, I wake up tired. No one wants me to use those 5 hour vitamins shots, but it’s the only way I can function for errands.
4. I can’t lose weight due to hormones I’m taking and bad sleep issues. The body needs to be balanced and get right sleep in order to function correctly. I lose 5 pounds, but gain ten in water weight. I’m going to scream if I get more doctor thinking all of my health problems are based on me being overweight. I can’t work so I can’t buy decent groceries. Because of weight I feel I’m ugly and not worthy. . . My doctors or media do not help my self esteem.
5. I can go from sweet and caring to bitter and mean. I’m also losing the propper, politeness filter of saying things especially when I’m flustered. My family know I’m bruntly honest, and I try to watch for other’s feelings, but they call me the bear, because I can snap and growl for no reason. I’m afraid to date because it’s bad to snap for no reason in the middle of a date. I don’t know all of my triggers. I know it’s hormonal, and my doctors don’t seem to care.
6. My energy versus my “luck” versus my writing. I love to write, but my lights and computers keep breaking. . . I feel like fates are against me writing, why God/Goddess, why? Writing helps me release and express myself. I’m borrowing the third desk light from a neighbor. I have two computers: one broke in which wires are exposed, my other computer’s fan is broken and charger over heats. I’m using my mom tablet to write this because my tablet needs to be plugged in at all times and tries to run every program at once. (Even when I have them turned off, it’s like if my Wi-Fi is on, it tries to override my controls.)
7. Why can’t I have a cat? Cats help my anxiety, especially petting them when they purr. The current land lady doesn’t even want us feeding the old stray, friendly mama cat.
8. Where can I advertise my blogs? I feel I do not have enough readers and fans, but I feel Facebook pushes it too much.
https://rebekah1213.wordpress.com/
9. Why am in pain at least 5 days out of week? Headaches, pelvic pains, sinus pains, back pains, hip pain. . . Cramping when it’s not even my lady time. WTH? What is wrong with me? (I will let the doctors do their tests, but they can’t say it’s my weight.) I feel I get passed from doctor to doctor (as if they don’t want me) leaving me with more questions than any solutions. . .
10. I am so easily distracted. I can’t mediate or focus without someone or something pulling away my attention, especially during the day. So I try to write between the hours of 11pm to 3am, sometimes later, but I have to have a day schedule on at least Friday’s and any day I have a doctor appointment.
11. I’m lonely. I am not sure why all my so-called friends left me once my ex died. Were they only his friends, and I was just along for the ride? If it wasnt for me, they wouldn’t have hung out as much. I rather have a bunch of friends that hug me (and sometimes understands me,) than a random boyfriend who will just cheat on me when he realize with my health issues I cannot give him physical intimacy.
12. Can, I please win the Mega millions jackpot? I mean. . .May I please win the Mega millions jackpot? God/Goddess, you know 66% (2/3rds) will go to help others just like we agreed. I need a place to call home again, preferable our old land with a new house on it. You know if I had the choice right now. . . I would choose money over love. (I had love with Tom, and now it’s my time to work on me and help others. PLEASE. Today, I am buying a lottery ticket, may it have the six winning lottery numbers on it, again, please.).
13. I’m tired of the constant depressed and anxious feelings. . . That instant feeling of doom just around the corner. I hate how I am instantly sad like I want to cry but no reason why. . . Or I snap without warning. Who would want a friend who can bite your head off figuratively speaking?
There are more problems but these are the main issues that constantly boil in my head . . . It’s hard to sleep when my mind doesn’t stop. Maybe since I vented, I can sleep better. . . We’ll see.
Now you may go back to regular scheduled program. . . Lol.
Bad Habits Part 1 heres the link from part 1.
I am a chaotic, unorganized emotional mess, but I can be fun, sometimes.
I’m far from perfect, but I feel the more I write, the more I learn about myself.
I worry alot (over thinking doesn’t help.) I hate being out of control. If I can’t control something, I over think, over worry and then bite my nails and over eating to try and calm myself down. It usually ends in a stomache or headache
I feel have to plan and be in control. I feel better when I plan. Even though 90% of the time, nothing goes as planned. I love outlining, but my muses and character usually run the story their own ways. I love to make lists: chores, menus, take out orders, errands, grocery, budgeting with bills etc.
I love food. I mentioned in this in part 1, but I forgot the worst part of this habit is that I eat late at night. We joke I’m a vampire. Lol. I watch food network, and I get hungry. We have trying to only watching the food network in the afternoon or during meals.
I feel I have to come with a warning. . . . I can snap at any second for any reason. My mood swings are crazy. I’ve tried talking to several doctors and therapists. The therapist push it to the doctors, and the doctors push it to the therapists. It’s been over two years, and I haven’t gotten past a second date.
I am not a bad person. In fact, I’m the most honest and loyal person, I know.
I’m trying to fix myself. (I’m work in process. Perfection is boring.)
I am working on my current weaknesses. . .
I hate to clean, but with the right energy and good cleaning products, I have cleaned a bathroom pretty good. My bedroom and a kitchen are two rooms I hate to clean. I hate bed making, it can never get flat or even; I tuck in one side and I pull out the other. (But I love clean fresh tide-smelling sheets.)
Clothes wise, I don’t like to sew, cannot stay in a straight line. I also hate ironing. (I don’t dress up, so I need to do either.) I will throw a damp towel in a dryer with my wrinkled clothes so I don’t have to use the iron. I love folding towels, but I hate folding shirts. I am just bad with the sleeves. I am not a fan of laundry. It usually stays in the washer until, I remember or look on my do-to list.
My sleep schedule (my sleep apnea makes thinks worst for me.) Makes a lot of thing hard for me . . . Working a 9 to 5 schedule, day schedule period, (I seem to have the most energy between 8pm to 2am), it’s harder to heal, and harder to control my moods. (I plan to get a cpap machine soon. I hope will get more energy during the day. Coffee and soda are my main sources of energy, right now.)
However I do NOT believe I am over honest or that I write too much.
In my head 